zivo Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Hey everyone, so guess I just want some thoughts / inputs and basically I'm the type of person that wants to learn from every experience good or bad. So my main reason isnt really to vent, but to seek some opinions on what was going on and how to improve my relationship next time. Also I am in my early 20s. The story: Ive been dating this girl for around 2 years now, she was a few years younger than me and a bit imature but after a few months I was really able to open her eyes and make her a much more well rounded person, at least in my opinion. She had been suicidal and is extremely dependent on people, and when we first started dating she always had to talk to guys, not really flirt, but just to keep other guys around for security which I didnt really like since 9 out of 10 of them wanted only to get in her pants. Anyways, a few days ago we got in a small fight about her not being a good gf and always complaining, and she said I was being a bad bf and I diddnt appreciate her for the things she does. It wasnt a big fight, we've had plenty of worser ones, and we would always talk through it. Im a big believer in if you both love each other than there is basically nothing that cant be talked through and changed. If you dont like something I do tell me and we can work on it together... but I guess this time it was different. She texted me and said she had a talk with her family and how she hasnt been happy in a while and doesnt think its going to work out anymore. I tell her to come and talk to me so we can figure it out and fix things, she says no I dont think anything will change... so i text her back asking so are we still together, and she tells me no, and that was basically it. I texted her after a few times saying is this really what you want and are you serious, and she was just very short and didnt care to explain herself or anything. After a few days I find out she got back with her ex boyfriend that she dated in highschool for 3 years. She was with me for 2 and now shes back with this guy that she told me cheated on her which is why they broke up. How does that make any sense? I also found out according to social media that they got back together within 5 hours of the break up text that I got. I always thought we understood each other very well, we definitely had the same mindset on things and we always fixed our problems. Then all of a sudden I get something like this out of the blue? Literally 3 days ago she told me she loved me and maybe a few weeks ago she would tell me how she cant imagine being with anyone else. She has also mentioned a few times that if I asked her to marry me she would say yes. I felt very secure with her because of all of that, I thougth she really loved me and wanted to be with me. Then I get a complete 360 she breaks up with me out of the blue and is back with an ex that she told me she hated and thought was gross. What do you guys think happened? And most importantly what can I learn from this and how do I improve my next relationship? Basically with this one it opened my eyes to what love really is. For her to do that to me and just leave me like that, she never really loved me. She was in love with the idea of having a boyfriend I think, but the moment she found out her ex was interested in her she felt like she had the ball in her court and had options. The main reason it has hurt me is because it really surprised me that she could do this to me, I thought we understood each other on a very deep level. Literally the same day she broke up with me she found a replacment for me. So if she really didnt love me, how do you go about hanging out with someone like every other day for 2 years and having sex all the time and not develop any feelings of love? I care for her a lot and now she doesnt even respond and just ignores my texts so I have given up totally on her. This was my first girlfriend as well so what I want to get out of it is just how to improve my next relationship! Thanks!
Jiivy Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) She had been suicidal and is extremely dependent on people, and when we first started dating she always had to talk to guys, not really flirt, but just to keep other guys around for security which I didnt really like since 9 out of 10 of them wanted only to get in her pants. Thanks! What convinced you from the start that you particularly unique here? I also found out according to social media that they got back together within 5 hours of the break up text that I got. Firstly - I'm incredibly sorry that you had to experience something like this. I think it's fair to say that whilst still with you, she and her ex had been talking and made this decision together. You were cheated on. Emotionally or physically or whatever, it's important to acknowledge that this is the reality. What do you guys think happened? And most importantly what can I learn from this and how do I improve my next relationship? Basically with this one it opened my eyes to what love really is. For her to do that to me and just leave me like that, she never really loved me. She was in love with the idea of having a boyfriend I think, but the moment she found out her ex was interested in her she felt like she had the ball in her court and had options. The main reason it has hurt me is because it really surprised me that she could do this to me, I thought we understood each other on a very deep level.One of the most painful things I've had to try and reconcile is the WHY? We all seek a root cause for the problem, especially when things come totally out of the blue. If we could just understand what it was, it would make moving so much easier wouldn't it? But we can't - and your rationalisation for this might be totally wrong...for every theory you have about one thing, I guarantee you there's someone out there who'll tell you the cause was something else. It will exhaust you, it will tire you out until either give up trying reason with it and accept you won't ever truly know, or you nose dive off a cliff. I think I can't ever tell you exactly what happened. Nobody can. We can all tell you the outcome and you can react on that. She left you to be with her ex. Your relationship is over. Read Tara's NC guide. Stick around on LS if it helps you, you're not alone. Edited April 25, 2014 by Jiivy spelling, ugh!
Chi townD Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Real answer? She was cheating on you. She may or may not have slept with the guy, but she was in contact and probably was carrying on an emotional affair. It's the only thing that explains get back with this dude 5 hours after she ended things with you. Now, if you think back to those fights that you two were having, I'm guessing, dollars to donuts, that she started most of those fights. If this is the case, it was to ease her guilt about communicating with her Ex while she was still with you. She needed to demonize you in her mind to ease her guilt about doing something that she knows she shouldn't have been doing. But, at least you know you won your last argument about her not being a good girlfriend. Because, she wasn't your girlfriend at that point. She pulled away from the relationship and became emotionally invested in this other guy. At that point she had already made the decision to be with this dude and she was just waiting for an opportunity. And this "little nothing argument" was just what she needed to pull the trigger on this relationship. So, time to heal up from this and move on. But, at least you can take solace in this, our Ex's are our Ex's for a reason. They're not going to last. And she'll have to live with the fact that she threw away a good guy for a cheating douche rocket. 2
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