Author Mary Oak Posted April 15, 2014 Author Share Posted April 15, 2014 I have really worked hard at this job, and it's a good job. I really don't want to leave it. I have avoided seeing her. I have only seen her once in the hall since December. I really feel like I am trying to do this for myself. I did just recently realize that I love myself more than the idea of us anymore. That is when I stopped contacting her. And as I have stopped contacting her, I can see the contacts I had with her were so superficial and searching for validation. I now have no more questions, because it doesn't matter. All that I see that matters is she is not here with me by her choice. I messed this relationship up. I wasn't there emotionally as I should have been. But, I also believe she screwed it up because she tried to deal with it internally. ANd when she couldn't, she literally drowned, and couldn't take anymore. She left and did not look back. We talked for months about maybe reconciling but she just didn't trust me anymore. So, basically, I know it is over. It is sad. But, I want more than anything to move on. At first, I didn't want that and I held on to every word she said. This time, I WANT to get out of this disgusting tunnel vision. I have done everything you are supposed to do...exercise, counselling, on meds, more counselling, go out with friends.... dated... but I just can't seem to move past the love. Help?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 ...exercise, counselling, on meds, more counselling, go out with friends.... dated... but I just can't seem to move past the love. Help?!?! The problem may lie in your motive; If you've done all this in an effort to 'replace' her and fill the gap in your life, it won't work. If you've done this with the sole focus of improving yourself, making yourself more social, more gregarious, more skilled and gifted in other pastimes - then you have more of a chance... Find a hobby about which you can become passionate and throw yourself into to the point of quasi-obsessive attentiveness. My H when he split from his ex, began to practice and study poker. He's very good now.... because it involved calculating and observation. That is, total concentration with a good bit of intuition thrown in. Do something for you. do something to generate well-being, satisfaction, and achievement. Don't look to fill the hole. Look to build on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 (edited) ***Update*** Today, I am so damn angry that I even feel guilty for the negative thoughts I am having. Still, she is getting to me, even through anger!!! It's got to get better than this. Edited April 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 It is and I understand about the anger thing. It is the same in every situation. You control your anger as you know, and she does not. You are not "letting her" control you. You are simply not controlling yourself. I don't mean to sound harsh, but in order for you (and I speak to myself this way at times too) to get over your anger and move on, you must take control of your feelings. You must learn to understand why you feel as you do and resolve the feelings. It is not easy especially if you have been rightfully wronged and someone else gets away with doing an injustice. But you and only you can choose to deal with your anger. It can be done, and by speaking about it, I think you are on the right track to dealing with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Jiivy Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Today, I am so damn angry that I even feel guilty for the negative thoughts I am having. Still, she is getting to me, even through anger!!! It's got to get better than this. care to elaborate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 So, yesterday, my ex sent me an email to wish our dog (my dog now) a happy birthday. Kinda through me for a loop...made me mad and sad all at once. How dare she even think about my dog? I know, so silly, but it was what I felt at the moment. I did replay with a "thank you". But that was it. I probably shouldn't have replied at all, but I am not sitting here waiting for a response, so there is no expectation. She has a girlfriend who has a dog...let her love that dog now...she left all of us, when she left... so don't look back now. But, I will admit, it made me cry. And I was doing so much better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 How can one feel so much anger, resentment, and hate at the same time they love and miss their ex? I am having a real hard time with this. I have just gotten to the anger stage...it has been a long road for me... but this stage makes me feel so guilty because I never wanted to hate her, but i feel like I am beginning to. ANd on the flip side I love her and miss her so much. I have always had a hard time being able to identify specific emotions, but I have been working on that in therapy. But this is just causing so much confusion and heartache. Does anyone else ever feel this? Does it make any sense or am I completely crazy? I should say the anger is a typical "I hate you " anger...it is an anger that makes me cry because I feel so damn guilty for feeling it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 You're quite right - replying was a big mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 So now what? Guess I can't do anything but just keep not talking to her... Why do you think she bothered? I know it doesn't even matter, but I am curious. My opinion is I think she still believes we will be friends one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Cessius Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I am at the same stage right now in my recovery so rest assured you are not crazy. There are days where I feel amazing and days where I have so much anger. I love the girl and always will so it does feel very conflicting. I know that my anger towards her stems from her actions pre/post break up. I hate cheaters and got cheated on by her with a mutual friend. She goes on day to day happier than ever with her new guy and it makes me sick. Yesterday we had classes together at the same college for 8 hours with limited breaks. Normally I get anger that just boils inside me, but yesterday it was different. I felt normal, like I knew she was there, I could hear her voice, I had to see them together but the anger wasn't there at all. I guess what I am trying to show you is mainly that you are not alone, this is very normal with coping and is something that you will feel from time to time. You are in the anger stage of grief. That doesn't mean you should try to emotionally hurt or physically hurt her or her belongings... But use it. Understand that what you had didn't work and that you have made it very far in making yourself a better person. Either she or you decided that you were not good for each other anymore. The best person for you at this point is in fact you... I understand that you love her but at some point you have to understand that your own feelings and emotions HAVE to come first before hers. Once you accept this idea, the days will get so much easier. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Now you ignore any reply you get and go back to NC. Why did she do it? To see if you're still there. You showed her that you were. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 damn... that sucks... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Breadcrumbs.... *sigh*.... Read the No Contact Guide in my signature/link. Again. And again. And again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 18, 2014 Author Share Posted April 18, 2014 So.... today is 29 day LC. I can say I do feel better. But, I still don't feel right. I am mad, sad, tired... not to the extent that I was...but it is all still there. Maybe in 29 more days, I will feel even better. Hope so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 I am on day 33 with limited contact. I feel stronger in the aspect of not wanting to contact her. It is definitely easier to restrain myself from reach out. In fact, at this point I am so scared of getting hurt, that I don't want to talk to her. We work in the same building and I have managed to avoid her completely. The thing is today is super hard for some reason. I really, really miss her. THe "missing" feeling doesn't seem to be going away. I feel like I am finally accepting that there is no going back at this point, but I still miss her so much. I am also having a hard time with my emotions. I can't even understand what I am feeling. My emotions are so back and forth. Sometimes I hate her...then I hate myself for hating her. But deep down, I just love her. That's all.. probably always will...but it will be from afar... Not contacting her on Easter was a big accomplishment for me. It is the first holiday I didn't acknowledge since we broke up. I feel accomplished by not contacting her, but I feel weak in the aspect that I can't get over her. Ugh.... a work email just came through from her... hate even seeing her name in my inbox... I just want to stop hurting...how much longer???? Link to post Share on other sites
rubberman Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 It's time to climb over the fence and move on. Go out with friends, **** other girls, take dancing lessons, go skydiving, take diving certificate. There is endless things to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 It's not the lack of something to do. I am always busy. I am exercising, going out with friends, dated, etc. It is just there is this gray cloud above me that will not go away. Even when I am "happy" I am not quite there yet. I want to just feel like myself again... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 I keep having this thought today that I wonder IF she would even respond if I did contact her... I wonder if she has the same number... I know... none of it matters, but just where my head is today... I won't break though... I can't go back to day 1, this has been a LONG journey... Link to post Share on other sites
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