I literally can't stand dating anymore, I wish I was a girl...

[PinkInTheLimo]

It's not really surprising that you are having a hard time if you're trying to date as a 40+ woman.

 

Though when you say that it's never been a big success, you mean that you've never had a serious relationship?

 

I'm 32, and got my first girlfriend at 31 (not for a lack of trying), and that only lasted for six months, would you say that I've had more dating success than you?

 

Most likely up until your mid 30's or later, you weren't able to relate at all to the men who really struggled.

 

The vast majority of women never have a clue what it feels like to truly believe that nobody wants you. The only ones who do, are the few who are trying to date at 40+ for one reason or another.

 

I have had longtime relationships. But they did not work out so I cannot really see them as a success. Looking back to these relationships, if I would know what I know now I would never have entered these relationships. The guys in question were too selfish. I want more from a relationship than what they gave me.

 

Concerning the men who struggle, I am looking for a relationship, not for a charity project. I have a lot of understanding and empathy but I refuse to build up someone's selfconfidence, that's mission impossible.

 

I think it is unlikely that I will ever find a man who really loves me and that I can really love. I am not average enough for that and I don't want average. I am an older woman and my standards are higher than they ever were as I think that my relationship failures in the past came from having too low standards. Since I am an older woman I actually should lower my standards even more but I have no intention to do that . Which is probably a recipe for remaining single. Fact is that I care less than before about being on my own. It's a pity yes and a loss for the men who don't appreciate me but I will be fine.

[hotpotato]

My dating life was never a big succes but during the last 10 years it got more difficult to meet someone available and decent. This said it is also a fact that the older I get the less inclined I am to put up with crap. Plus I don't doubt myself as much as I used to so I have toughened up which I guess makes me less approachable and "sweet". I have many qualities but I am not a flirt and I am not superficial.

 

My Myers Briggs type is INTJ, I am highly sensitive and I am gifted so I am not your average and sweet girl. Probably come across as rather intellectual although I am very sensitive and romantic at heart (as in the kind of person who wants to cuddle babies and puppies - yes really).

 

Your personality type is more of a hindrance than your age. Im younger and have similar issues.

 

When a female has an outlier personality type, she is going to have problems. If you are a woman, its best to be average.

[somedude81]

The number one reason why women have trouble dating is because they are too picky.

[Lostinlife4now]

I'm actually not as awkward or ugly as people would think. I can have a fun random conversation, in shape, I work at a fortune 100, have my own place. I have 0 luck, and with the multiple posters who have said they or their male relative didnt get a gf until they were well into their 20s or 30s...holy crap that is scary for me.

 

But nothing works, its so depressingly lonely. Because I drew the male card in life and have to 'hunt' well god d*mmit hunting sucks and obliterates your confidence and gets you nowhere unless the girl falls head over heels for you immediately. I literally have no idea what to do.

 

Its like a hell begets hell issue. I would actually rather pay for a prostitute at this point. Just to actually be able to touch a human being, instead of all these cruel dating games that punches me in the face and wallet.

 

 

Oh honey....slow down....you are ONLY 23!!!!! I am a 50something kinda sexy woman and haven't been on a date in 4 years!

 

Don't let it get you down! When you least expect it.....it will happen.

[hotpotato]

Then be more selective on who you have sex with...

 

If 100 men are interested in you, then you can filter out the men who just want sex, and only focus on the guys who want a relationship.

 

If 0 women are interested in you, then you can't do sh*t.

 

No one said I was having sex with any of them.

 

If I want a relationship, and every guy is after sex, I still have 0 potential suitors. There is nothing or very little left.

 

I was illustrating how a woman can have a hard time dating. I really think you missed the point.

 

Also, op, ive rarely had guys ask me out. If I dont do old, I definitely wont get dates.

[Disillusioned]

The number one reason why women have trouble dating is because they are too picky.

 

The number two reason is because they don't want to break the rules by pursuing men.

[KungFuJoe]

Well...here's the million dollar question.

 

For guys who have had NO luck with girls all the way up til their mid 20s or older...what do you think is the problem?

 

Is it your attitude that has kept you single? Or has your lack of luck spoiled your attitude?

 

Honestly...I think it's the former. I think you probably don't realize it, but you have a self defeatist attitude that has kept the women at bay.

 

I'm sure a lot of the guys here would have had better luck if you had more confidence in yourself. Something, somewhere in your early life caused you to lose self esteem.

 

If I were you, my goal would be to find out how and why self esteem was lost and do whatever you can to build it back up. Otherwise, you will be stuck in this downward spiral until you're too old to do anything about it.

[somedude81]

No one said I was having sex with any of them.

 

If I want a relationship, and every guy is after sex, I still have 0 potential suitors. There is nothing or very little left.

 

I was illustrating how a woman can have a hard time dating. I really think you missed the point.

 

Also, op, ive rarely had guys ask me out. If I dont do old, I definitely wont get dates.

You're making the misguided assumption that every guy just wants sex.

 

No matter how you try to spin it, women have a much easier time with dating than men do.

[Imajerk17]

Ok hello LS members, I am a athletic 23 y/o male who has never had a girlfriend and has never had sex in his life. Talk about suck...

 

Although the past 2+ years or so I have gotten way more confident about approaching women, confidence doesn't necessarily help or beget results. I will admit that I have been absurdly unlucky in pursuit of a partner which would imply I'm not all at fault. (Born-again Lesbian, 2 forever ghosts, 2 flakes, and 3 'lets just be friends (LOL after you buy me 1+ dinners))

 

I just can't take it anymore. I can't take getting my confidence obliterated or dishing out money for dates. Note I dont mean I shell out 200+ and expect sex, but being 23 y/o with student loans and a modest salary I literally can't repeatedly feed girls. I just can't. Only once in my life has a girl ever even offered to pay for a date, and I've been on plenty.

 

I guess this is more of a rant, but I really don't mean to put all women into one category, I'm smarter than that.

 

Just I don't know what to do anymore and the loneliness and desperation builds. I try, I embarrass myself plenty at bars or grocery stores, but every rejection hurts.

 

When you've never had even a casual gf (never brought anyone home to the parents), and you're younger cousin gets married, and without warning, you're mom kisses you on the forehead and tells you 'don''t worry its not a race, some lovely lady will love you..' you want to go 1000 miles away and puke repeatedly. That was not fun,

 

So any advice? I guess this is a vague scenario, but the longer this lasts the more frustrated and hopeless I feel....

 

 

1. You actually don't sound "absurdly unlucky", going by the numbers you posted anyway (the first bit of text I bolded). If you got friend-zoned 3 times and got flaked on 4 times and got a crazy excuse one other time, then that is hardly that unlucky.

 

2. Maybe you're trying too hard. If *your mom* is telling you not to worry (the second bit of text I bolded), then you are likely wearing your angst on your sleeve. It's probably especially clear when you are on a date and it is so obvious how much you really want the girl on a date with you to like you. Neediness and desperation just isn't attractive.

 

How are you meeting women. You have any hobbies that are putting you in front of them? Many people meet their s/o's from social circle. Didn't you say you were athletic? There are plenty of young single women in kickball leagues.

 

The guys who do well with women tend to stress a lot less. There are plenty of women out there. If you are really a good-looking guy (and even if you are not) and you live in the Northern Hemisphere, summer is coming. There will be plenty of women out a lot more now that the weather is getting nice. You'll get to meet plenty of them if you only put yourself out there.

Edited April 22, 2014 by Imajerk17

[PinkInTheLimo]

When a female has an outlier personality type, she is going to have problems. If you are a woman, its best to be average.

 

It might be best to be average as a woman to attract a lot of men but I have actually tried to be more average. The result was that I attracted guys who were not a good match and did not treat me well. On top of it I was suppressing the features that make me unique.

I have to remind myself very often to make the most of my talents and not to try to fit in. The hard thing about it is that it is such a lonely road but it is the only one which is the right one. Just to give you an example: I started studying law a couple of years ago. Now what woman of almost 50 spends most of her evenings, weekends and holidays studying law? Well I do and I can't help it: I need this intellectual challenge and I need to finish what I started. It gives me satisfaction.

Where on earth will I find a guy who understands this?

 

I wish I would have known earlier that I was INTJ because it would have helped me to understand myself better. I would have felt less bad when I noticed that I was not good at the typical dating games.

 

When I will have obtained the law degree, I would want to follow a course to learn how to be a DJ. Again totally odd for a 50+ woman but that's me: there are very diverse things that I find interesting and that I want to learn...

[PinkInTheLimo]

The number one reason why women have trouble dating is because they are too picky.

 

Oh come on stop this nonsense which you spread over this website.

 

There is no law that says that women have to take the first man they meet and try to build up a relationship with him. Everybody has the right to want someone they are really attracted to and have fallen in love with.

 

Women are a lot more forgiving concerning the flaws of men than the opposite. Just see how many men on this website measure the attractiveness of women in numbers ("she's a 6 or a 7". Djeezes, it's like you are talking about cows).

 

Women reject men for the following reasons:

- They don't take good care of themselves: not properly groomed, badly dressed, smelly, overweight, smoke, drink

- Addictions: alcohol, drugs, tobacco, porn... Everything which indicates a lack of self control

- Bad employment/financial situation: no job, not looking for a job, lack of education, unrealistic employment/financial projects

- Bad manners, not knowing how to behave in a social setting, at all costs wanting to be very alternative in clothing, hairstyle

- Negative character: jealous, insecure, raining on other people's parade, very greedy, very messy, extremely stubborn.

 

I don't know any man who is single who does not have some serious character flaws. And why are some women single? Because there are too many men with serious character flaws and women know that there life will be miserable if they get together with such a flawed guy.

[hotpotato]

You're making the misguided assumption that every guy just wants sex.

 

No matter how you try to spin it, women have a much easier time with dating than men do.

 

No, im not trying to spin anything. Ive met many, many guys who wanted sex asap. There are many men who are trying to hit ut and quit it or make a transaction.

 

Women might have an easier time getting sex, but dating is a different story.

[shet]

I don't know any man who is single who does not have some serious character flaws. And why are some women single? Because there are too many men with serious character flaws and women know that there life will be miserable if they get together with such a flawed guy.

Woah.

 

Moving on.

[hotpotato]

It might be best to be average as a woman to attract a lot of men but I have actually tried to be more average. The result was that I attracted guys who were not a good match and did not treat me well. On top of it I was suppressing the features that make me unique.

I have to remind myself very often to make the most of my talents and not to try to fit in. The hard thing about it is that it is such a lonely road but it is the only one which is the right one. Just to give you an example: I started studying law a couple of years ago. Now what woman of almost 50 spends most of her evenings, weekends and holidays studying law? Well I do and I can't help it: I need this intellectual challenge and I need to finish what I started. It gives me satisfaction.

Where on earth will I find a guy who understands this?

 

I wish I would have known earlier that I was INTJ because it would have helped me to understand myself better. I would have felt less bad when I noticed that I was not good at the typical dating games.

 

When I will have obtained the law degree, I would want to follow a course to learn how to be a DJ. Again totally odd for a 50+ woman but that's me: there are very diverse things that I find interesting and that I want to learn...

 

I definitely dont think you should try to be someone else.

I can relate to a lot of what you said actually. Im very curious and live to learn. I was in the gufted class. I have no problem keeping myself busy with books, hobbies, or whatever is my latest obsession.

[MsINTJ]

Maybe you're missing something or someone right in front of you? Maybe you're looking or trying too hard? Sometimes, when we're focused on one thing - in your case it's getting a gf - we miss a lot of things, like a good friendship that may potentially develop into a great relationship. Just try to be open-minded and not focus so much on finding a gf. Focus on you! Go out and chase adventures, not girls! Sooner or later, you may even have girls chasing you. Guys who are driven, passionate, and adventurous are SO damn attractive!

 

You said you're an athlete, why not check out places where you can go play some pick up games and meet other people outside of your circle? You never know, you might meet someone and fall in love without much effort. Plus, 23 is so young! You have a lot of years ahead of you.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. I have a 22 yr old sister who is getting married next month. I'm 28 and people keep coming up to me, asking why I'm not getting married and how come my younger sister is getting married before me. lol. I could let that bother me, but i don't. I'm just not ready to be there yet, although sometimes it does get to me and I wish I had a companion to share my adventures with. The single life isn't exactly the greatest, especially when everyone around you seems to be in a relationship, but honestly, you just have to stay positive!

 

Good luck!

[kart180]

Maybe you're missing something or someone right in front of you? Maybe you're looking or trying too hard? Sometimes, when we're focused on one thing - in your case it's getting a gf - we miss a lot of things, like a good friendship that may potentially develop into a great relationship. Just try to be open-minded and not focus so much on finding a gf. Focus on you! Go out and chase adventures, not girls! Sooner or later, you may even have girls chasing you. Guys who are driven, passionate, and adventurous are SO damn attractive!

 

Very good advice for anyone, i feel the same sometimes, just want to date but just hate when i see cute couples and no women would go near me ever.

[Do_The_Herp]

I've always thought of myself as an attractive guy, and have always been led to believe so, but I just had two girls whom I weren't even attracted to basically put me down nonchalantly when I literally did nothing to them and had no attitude, nor was I giving off a negative vibe, so I feel your pain.

 

And then when you think about what has happened, everyone else will tell you that it's your self-defeating attitude that is ruining you, even though you don't actually have a self-defeating attitude, you're just getting rejected and contemplating it. God forbid someone doesn't take dozens of rejections, no matter how major or minor, with a smile.

[kart180]

I want to date or just have a casual relationship with women but i find it so hard to get out of my depressing phrase in life. I know that i can find hot women in gyms etc but i just feel i cant even approach them

[PinkInTheLimo]

I definitely dont think you should try to be someone else.

I can relate to a lot of what you said actually. Im very curious and live to learn. I was in the gufted class. I have no problem keeping myself busy with books, hobbies, or whatever is my latest obsession.

 

"... whatever is my latest obsession" makes me chuckle. I think I know what you mean.

I have for example a huge passion for tennis. I play a bit myself but most importantly I really follow tennis tournaments all year round, on the internet, on TV, I go to tournaments (have even been to Australia for the Australian Open). And I know a hell of a lot about tennis. Maybe I should apply for a job with a TV channel.

It's a total harmless hobby but I like to be obsessive about it.

 

You always hear women complain that their man wants to watch the soccer. In my case my man would maybe complain about me watching tennis all the time .

[lollipopspot]

Women might have an easier time getting sex, but dating is a different story.

 

Right.

 

Men can actually get sex as easily too. They just have to go what they would consider "beneath" themselves to do it. Having sex or dating someone you are not attracted to or into is within most anyone's realm.

[iiiii]

 

I have to remind myself very often to make the most of my talents and not to try to fit in. The hard thing about it is that it is such a lonely road but it is the only one which is the right one. Just to give you an example: I started studying law a couple of years ago. Now what woman of almost 50 spends most of her evenings, weekends and holidays studying law? Well I do and I can't help it: I need this intellectual challenge and I need to finish what I started. It gives me satisfaction.

 

Where on earth will I find a guy who understands this?

 

I'm a off-the-curve smart, socially awkward, 30-something year old who works/studies crazy hours 7 days a week as a medical intern, and intends to run away and backpack through Asia solo (again) in the next couple of years.

 

I'm like you, I think - in the past I've tried to put myself in a smaller box to make guys happy. It doesn't work for long.

 

When you meet the right dude, he'll move heaven and earth to let your plans happen because he knows cutting your wings off won't make either of you happy. That's how you know he's the right guy.

 

Or so says the crazy INFP.

Edited April 23, 2014 by iiiii

[hotpotato]

Right.

 

Men can actually get sex as easily too. They just have to go what they would consider "beneath" themselves to do it. Having sex or dating someone you are not attracted to or into is within most anyone's realm.

 

They might have to have sex with a "whale" or a woman who is only a "2." Oh the horror! Not to mention they could just pay for it, which is also beneath them because screwing a hooker doesn't garner bragging rights.

 

But yet if a woman rejects a man because she's not attracted, let the insults fly...

[jothebo41]

I really appreciate all the replies, and curious how this has become a discussion. But I'll address a few of the more common replies:

 

Confidence?

 

I'm not 'unconfident' I'm not even sure people know what that means anymore. I can go up to girls, I've been on dates. I have 0 luck. I can't believe someone even told me my 9 cases of rejection (they all lasted at least 2 dates, not counting one-offs, those happen) were good odds. Holy crap? 0/9 over the course of about 2 years isn't unlucky? Doesn't that imply I have had the 'confidence' to ask a girl out? I actually don't enjoy going up to people and asking them out, its not exactly fun, some guys enojy it, I don't. But that sure as chit doesn't mean I go up to girls with a droopy dog face on. As for the women on here a common word in your messages is approach. Fair enough that's how the world works. But I HAVE to do that. Repeatedly. With a very high chance of failure. If I don't I'm 'not confident'. I'm literally at the mercy of a girl, whether she wants to talk to me, give me her number, go out on a first date, or a second date. Its all up to her, I mean that changes deeper into dating but early on its so inherently unequal its a laugh/cry situation.

 

Age?

 

I can't help my age, its a double edged sword. People say and have said 'oh you're so young don't worry about it'. I mean is 23 really that young? I guess. I'm actually kinda old to have never to have had an actual girlfriend. Like my cousin's wedding over the summer, a few people said 'lol don't worry about it, they are going to get divorced, they are too young for that' I mean yeah probably, probably everyone in the reception was thinking that. They are both a year younger than me. But that doesn't mean people weren't happy for them. I had a good time, when my mom came up to me and said that I was just having a quiet moment to myself and swirling my drink around. she knew I was humbled a younger cousin got married before I even had a girlfirend. So am I really that young? On the other edge of the sword the 'oldest' I can realistically go for a woman is 24, maybe 25. After that is pure rejection, because of I guess a taboo on younger guys or I can lie, but is lying really the way to go?

 

General happiness?

 

I know full well having a relationship doesn't cause somone's world to change. But it would be nice to have a sexual relationship with somone. I get that women don't automatically have it carefree easy, but its a lot easier. Just yesterday in the span of 5 minutes at a gas station I saw 2 fairly attractive women both about the same age (26?). One was with a dude at least 10 years older and driving a porshe, one was with a guy tatted head to toe and dreads down to his butt and wasn't even wearing shoes. Wait what? Two extremes I guess but they were both at the gas station across the street. Is that what I have to look forward to? See how that is kind of depressing? Its not easy to just get rejected all the time and just click your heels about it, especially when you see that scenario. See how frustration builds? I'm not a person who's soul hinges on and off on getting into a relationship, but I am a human and things like this sting, but doesn't mean my overall demeanor or personality changes.

 

I guess that was more than I intended to write lol, but I think it sums it up in more detail better.

[hotpotato]

"... whatever is my latest obsession" makes me chuckle. I think I know what you mean.

I have for example a huge passion for tennis. I play a bit myself but most importantly I really follow tennis tournaments all year round, on the internet, on TV, I go to tournaments (have even been to Australia for the Australian Open). And I know a hell of a lot about tennis. Maybe I should apply for a job with a TV channel.

It's a total harmless hobby but I like to be obsessive about it.

 

You always hear women complain that their man wants to watch the soccer. In my case my man would maybe complain about me watching tennis all the time .

 

Yes, sounds like you would love that!

[PinkInTheLimo]

I'm a off-the-curve smart, socially awkward, 30-something year old who works/studies crazy hours 7 days a week as a medical intern, and intends to run away and backpack through Asia solo (again) in the next couple of years.

 

That sounds great, iiiii, I wish I would have had the nerve to do such things 20 years ago. Back then I was way too insecure to follow my own path so that now I am trying to make up for lost times.

 

Whether or not we will meet a man who can love us we don't know. Therefore it is vital to try to live the best life we can have.