maturityassets Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) Hey LS, Kind of venting and reflecting here but here goes: I've been with my girlfriend for a year now. Great relationship. We are pretty much complimentary to one another in most aspects. But it has been a year of turmoil because her parents don't approve of her dating even though she is 19 (I'm 21)and we come from a culture that tends to cause bad upbringings in a psychological sense when it comes to living in America. Mainly because of her upbringing she is a bit insecure at times. We do talk everyday in messages but just over the past weekend we didn't talk as much as usual. Maybe like 5-10 messages back and forth per day. Because of the Easter weekend I was mainly able to hang out with friends who came home from college and so most of my time had been late nights at people's houses and a couple of parties. I would have loved to bring my girlfriend but we are restricted to seeing each other once a week because of her parents. So today I got a message from her asking if everything was alright between us and that she felt like we were growing apart. Which is rather strange because we talk all the time but particularly this week her phone has been broken so we've been stuck emailing so that slows down conversation a bit. So I comforted her and told her that emailing doesn't work as smoothly on my phone as does texting and that it's alright we all get a bit insecure because she kept apologizing for it. She just didn't respond after I said it's nothing to feel sorry for and mainly I assume is she retreating to punishing herself emotionally. Anyway I'm her first love. But I was once like her as well. I grew up in basically the same cultural context and it caused some deep problems with anxiety, depression and self-esteem. I found a way to cope with it after 3 years of therapy and reading lots of philosophy. But I remember with my first love I was very similar to her. Needing to call every night just to make sure my first love and I were on the same page on a day to day basis when we didn't see one another. Think that was one of the main factors that caused the wedge in that relationship. So I guess do you think insecurities are amplified in the first love situation because people don't want to lose a love they felt deprived of their whole lives? Or is everyone a bit insecure in their first loves and only with time and experience do people learn to be better and more confident partners in relationships? (Of course the main problem is her family and upbringing. But she is working on it through moving out this summer into the dorms of her college and starting to seek therapy as well). Edited April 22, 2014 by maturityassets
Eivuwan Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I am just wondering. What is this culture that causes these problems?
tekkenfan2 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Yeah just keep comforting her. She's moving out soon so that stops most of the problems, just be gentle with her as she goes thru that transitioning phase as she moves into dorms.
Author maturityassets Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I am just wondering. What is this culture that causes these problems? Our families are from the Balkan region, southern European (probably the biggest pop reference is the beat in that song "Talk Dirty" is called Balkan beats). It's a very judgmental, image and collectivist based culture. Even as someone born in America, it was a constant battle between living at home surrounded by not only immediate family but grandparents, uncles and cousins on a daily basis and that of going to school, meeting friends and having autonomy/individuality. Some people flourish in that culture but in all honestly most of our relatives have some kind of toxic upbringing and they just assume to be anxious is the norm of life.
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