Red123 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I posted a little while ago that the MOW that had an A with my H contacted him out of the blue after 4 months of NC. I feel stuck in my own head about her motivation. I heard a lot if reasons from other posters that make complete sense but I over analyze things to a fault and can't seem to stop. I question my H as to what he thinks her motives are and his response is always the same that he doesn't care what she thinks and has told her as much. My question anyone who have been here is when did the OW/OM become a nonissue? Or when did you stop focussing on them and back on R with your spouse? 1
yellowmaverick Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Red - it's tough when the OW is desperate like that and just won't let go. I can't for the life of me understand why they hang on. My WH's OW was/is like that. She stalked all of us for years after d-day, even after we filed a police report. I know it's inconvenient, but you and your H need to change all of your phone numbers. If she calls him at work, he needs to just hang up on her. She is irrelevant to both of you, separately and jointly. You and your H need to stay united. I know it's difficult, but try not to give her any head space. 3
Spark1111 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 they need, or want to believe he returned out of obligation....not love. They secretly hope he is pining away for them. the ongoing romantic fantasy and drama is the daydream that keeps their life interesting and less small and boring. take your pick. have you spoken with her? become a real woman with hopes and dreams of your own? Because IF she contacts him again, she still views you as a non-entity of no import to her fantasy. Time to step up to the plate and be a real, breathing, living human being, ONE she cannot ignore. 6
notserene Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I have gotten less hung up on OW and her motives. It's only been six weeks. I am sure that there hasn't been any contact with him and if there were, that he would tell me. He doesn't want to talk to her. She threatened him with bodily harm and he was worried that she would go after me as well. I think we are out of the woods but I am still a little anxious about her showing up at my job (she lives about a mile from my office). I am more worried about my husband these days. What was he thinking??? I don't believe he WAS thinking. 2
harrybrown Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I have to agree with you. What was my wife thinking and is she still thinking that way? I just do not know anymore.
Popsicle Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I posted a little while ago that the MOW that had an A with my H contacted him out of the blue after 4 months of NC. I feel stuck in my own head about her motivation. I heard a lot if reasons from other posters that make complete sense but I over analyze things to a fault and can't seem to stop. I question my H as to what he thinks her motives are and his response is always the same that he doesn't care what she thinks and has told her as much. My question anyone who have been here is when did the OW/OM become a nonissue? Or when did you stop focussing on them and back on R with your spouse? I don't know your story but as a fOW may I suggest you talk to her yourself and tell her to leave you and your husband alone. Your husband should be there too in the background agreeing with you. Remind her that your husband told her to leave him alone but she didn't get it, so now you're telling her. 1
Author Red123 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I don't know why but I am always shocked when I hear that an OW has gone so far that the police need to be involved. I have seen it on a lot of threads and each time it surprises me. I hear the A being referred to as a real relationship often and i can honestly say that I have dumped and been dumped before and never had the police involved. I'm so sorry that you have to live with that fear in your life. I agree that my H and need to stand united and we are trying. He has been very transparent and forwards me all if the contact from her. I am just so confused about how she can still be pining for him. She is my age we both have kids, careers and husbands, so u try to think of myself in her shoes but can't because I don't believe I would make those kind if choices for myself. I agree that she does not see me as a person, in her emails I am "she" or "her" never my name or your wife. We have decided that If she contacts him again I will respond and my H states he will forward all of her emails to her H. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what comes next. Thanks for replies it helps a lot. 2
dichotomy Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I posted a little while ago that the MOW that had an A with my H contacted him out of the blue after 4 months of NC. I feel stuck in my own head about her motivation. I heard a lot if reasons from other posters that make complete sense but I over analyze things to a fault and can't seem to stop. I question my H as to what he thinks her motives are and his response is always the same that he doesn't care what she thinks and has told her as much. My question anyone who have been here is when did the OW/OM become a nonissue? Or when did you stop focussing on them and back on R with your spouse? For me a couple of things needed to happen for me to "move on" or stop focusing on OM constantly. 1) That I help with the NC and isolation of him from my wife. I had to take the lead on somethings. Once we had a few years of confirmed isolation and NC it was a big step. 2) I needed to have focused enough on OM to understand him. Like in the police crime shows - I built a profile of him. Using everything I knew of and what I could get out of wife and other sources. 3) What motived my wife to get inolved with him. Her profile if you will and what made them click together. Basically I needed to understand things in my own mind well enough, and that things stopped - and then I could put it to bed. If this seems extreme - so be it - I need to figure things out before I can move on. I took a long while for it not to be constantly on my mind. Now when he does come into my mind - It does not stay long because there is nothing new for me to work out. 1
Author Red123 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Popsicle - as a FOW do you feel that would have changed your actions? I fear contact with her will open things up for more contact and I feel that her and I are better off to move on. I have not contacted her H as if yet because I don't know if he is abusive or not and I would never want to be party to that. This was a very PG short lived A, I guess I thought she would be over it by now. My H has been for months now. Me on the other hand........ 1
notserene Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I don't know why but I am always shocked when I hear that an OW has gone so far that the police need to be involved. I have seen it on a lot of threads and each time it surprises me. I hear the A being referred to as a real relationship often and i can honestly say that I have dumped and been dumped before and never had the police involved. I'm so sorry that you have to live with that fear in your life. I think it says a lot about either the nature of the relationship or the OW in these cases...not sure which exactly.
Author Red123 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I would guess the OW. Even if the A was extremely intense most women don't go that far. At least none I know. Maybe I am just naive to infedelity and the measures people will go to have what they want.
Popsicle Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Popsicle - as a FOW do you feel that would have changed your actions? Yes, definitely. But of course not all OW are alike. It's worth a shot. I wouldn't tell her husband though (that's just me) but I would threaten it.
Author Red123 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Popsicle- thanks for your input. Why would you not tell her H? I know for me why but I often feel I'm the only one who is not convinced it is a good idea. Ill never say never but we have threatened it. Just curious to why you don't think it's a good idea.
Popsicle Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Popsicle- thanks for your input. Why would you not tell her H? I know for me why but I often feel I'm the only one who is not convinced it is a good idea. Ill never say never but we have threatened it. Just curious to why you don't think it's a good idea. I'm just not a fan of telling. I'd let her work her own problems out. It's important that your husband be within ear shot of her if you talk to her. She needs to know that he feels the same way and backs you up. If he's not there, she may think he secretly didn't want you to call her or didn't want the same thing you want.
Author Red123 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I agree. I can imagine she thinks this is me because she doesn't know me at all. The truth is I gave my H the option to be with her and he chose to disclose and change himself to work on R. She doesn't know this though, he has been very blunt in responses to her and wrote her a very detailed NC letter that was all from him. Yes I read it before he sent but had no input. I have seen OW post that those kind of responses are obviously his W looking over his shoulder so I can see why she might think that. Thanks for the insight.
frogss29 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 The FOW's feelings never really bothered me at all. Ever. Couldn't care less if she breathed, died, loved my husband/hated him. SHE called me a couple of months ago because she was scared of what I would tell her husband. And scared she should be! If I was a mean , vindictive person I could share the emails etc with him. I haven't.....yet! My focus is on our R. I know for a fact that if she contacted my H again, he would hang up. He is not interested in her at all. It sounds like your husband feels the same way. She obviously cares for him still and is wanting him to know it. Just be happy.......best revenge ever! 1
Author Red123 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Sounds similar for sure. That's really great advice. Thank you. I'm trying:)
jnel921 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 The OW called my H's place of work and had him paged saying she was his sister. When he got on the phone she said who she was and wanted him to call her back later. He responded by telling her he doubted very much that he would do that. He then called me very upset to let me know about this call. He did not want her interfering in his life or trying to contact him. This was about 15 months after DDay. My first thought was to reach for the phone and tell her to stop calling my H or get slapped with harassment charges.... But then I decided to leave it alone. The less attention we give her the more non-important she will realize that she is. I am sure she is lonely and desperate. But that is her issue and I could give a rats a$$. 2
notserene Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 My first thought was to reach for the phone and tell her to stop calling my H or get slapped with harassment charges.... But then I decided to leave it alone. The less attention we give her the more non-important she will realize that she is. I am sure she is lonely and desperate. But that is her issue and I could give a rats a$$. You do have to be careful...some people think any attention is good attention...they think that if you acknowledge them that you must think they are important. I'd definitely ignore it and your H did the right thing. 1
gettingstronger Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Our OW intruded for 14 months-everything from calls, to letters, emails and texts-its also possible she flew from GA to CO to put a note on my car in my driveway (although she could have had a relative do it) Yes, it hindered our reconciliation-how could it not- Her motives-who knows-I think its something like this- 1- she tried to split us up by texting an anon tip that exposed the affair that did not work so- 2- started harassing me so I would leave that did not work 3- threatened his job so he would contact her that did not work (well, he did contact her but it was not pleasant) We have done all we can-police, attys, you name it-I even contacted her husband- its been quiet for a month so hopefully she has moved on but who knows- Her motivation- shes a kook I guess (and please, no admonishment or spin off thread from OW or fOW about how unkind I am for calling her a kook) 1
notserene Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Our OW intruded for 14 months-everything from calls, to letters, emails and texts-its also possible she flew from GA to CO to put a note on my car in my driveway (although she could have had a relative do it) Yes, it hindered our reconciliation-how could it not- Her motives-who knows-I think its something like this- 1- she tried to split us up by texting an anon tip that exposed the affair that did not work so- 2- started harassing me so I would leave that did not work 3- threatened his job so he would contact her that did not work (well, he did contact her but it was not pleasant) We have done all we can-police, attys, you name it-I even contacted her husband- its been quiet for a month so hopefully she has moved on but who knows- Her motivation- shes a kook I guess (and please, no admonishment or spin off thread from OW or fOW about how unkind I am for calling her a kook) If you behave in a crazy way, people are going to think you are crazy. Funny how that works. I can get that someone might be very emotional in this situation but if it gets to the point where you are threatening or harassing others then you have a serious problem I don't think you owe it to the OW to "be kind" in this situation. Ignoring her and getting the appropriate third parties involved if you have to is the best thing to do. 1
gettingstronger Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 notserene- I agree-but I was lambasted for saying an ill word about the behaviors and the person harassing me- Back on topic- I do believe on some level the OW became competitive with me and "losing" to someone she believed she had pulled something over on eats away at her-I know during the A she had infiltrated my social media circles with fake accounts-including professional networking sites-her interest in my life was scary-believe me, I am not that interesting that someone would follow me all over the internet to get a glimpse in to my life, but she did-I suppose she felt she had one up on me and when that came crashing down it became very, very personal-
notserene Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) notserene- I agree-but I was lambasted for saying an ill word about the behaviors and the person harassing me- Back on topic- I do believe on some level the OW became competitive with me and "losing" to someone she believed she had pulled something over on eats away at her-I know during the A she had infiltrated my social media circles with fake accounts-including professional networking sites-her interest in my life was scary-believe me, I am not that interesting that someone would follow me all over the internet to get a glimpse in to my life, but she did-I suppose she felt she had one up on me and when that came crashing down it became very, very personal- I think a big part of the thrill for some (NOT ALL) OW in an affair is feeling like she has something that the wife doesn't and that the WH "chose" her over the wife. I must be really hot, irresistable, special if I can get a guy to cheat! His wife must be really clueless and stupid! What they don't see is that it's the MAN who has convinced himself to cheat and they just happen to be there with their insecurity or poor boundaries to stroke his ego. When the WH ends it they are deprived of that feeling of specialness. They also view themselves as the "loser" where before they were the "winner." I admit that I also felt like the "winner" for about five minutes when my H told me about the A, and told me that he didn't want to be with the OW - that even if I threw him out he didn't want to be with her. Then reality kicked in and I realized how hard R was going to be. There are no "winners" in this situation, just damaged people. However, two of us have a relationship of long standing and still have a lot of love for each other so in our case I think we have something to put back together. (I don't think this dynamic is as common where the WS is female and there is an OM in the picture.) Edited April 22, 2014 by notserene 1
gettingstronger Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 NS- I so agree on this-some of the communication from our OW included such gems as advice to me on how to satisfy/keep my husband (get a make over, he loved the highlights in my hair to which he responded-she had highlights-guys just don't notice that) to what kind of lotion smells he likes (coconut I guess) some were downright mean like he was so proud to show me off when I dressed up- whatever, so odd and such a warped sense of self image (the co worker that "caught" them way back on a business thought she was a hooker and gave my husband crap for spending money on a hooker and betraying his family) I agree- for a hot minute I thought I "won" too-but then also realized there are no winners in this-we also have a 23 year marriage to rebuild from-its odd, the length of our relationship did not prevent the affair but some how is what keeps us moving on reconciliation- 2
fellini Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 The OM in my WS's affair is a constant in my life. They work together, there is nothing that either of us can do about that. The only thing was to avoid seeing him until she was certain she was over him on an emotional level. Not that one can really know when that is! We are both very aware that he wants nothing more than to be with her, and since he has already had her in every meaning imaginable, he probably thinks he can still win her back. In my case I learned that the AP is a divorced BS, who lost his WS to her AP, after a year of supposed attempted R. So from his perspective, he still has hope it will turn out for him what turned out for the AP of his own WS 3 years before. The A between my WS and her AP was long enough from me to worry. They had a good year in EA and several months of PA. So I have to be on my toes, year one DDay is in 3 days, and I don't doubt that those involved are forgetting this, its not just about the BS getting through Dday.
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