Am I marrying a loser?

[sooshi]

What is the reality that creeps is? What happens to your interest in the relationship when the spark is missing?

 

My ex-fiance didn't feel a spark for me, so he left. Feeling a spark wasn't important to me. I was attracted to him, although didn't necessarily feel butterflies and all that a lot of the time. I didn't need to. But maybe you do.

[pink_sugar]

A guy who came from a rich upbringing who didn't get spoiled but rather wants to earn his way through life, who supported you better than any friend could have, loves you with all his heart, sacrifice his career to be there for you, great in bed, and yet you even think he is a loser? OMG. I can't believe you even have that thought about him.

 

That is one thing I dislike about female mentality. No matter how great a guy is, if he makes less than them, he's suddenly not worthy.

 

Seriously! It's not like your fiance has never held a decent job. Job loss happens to everyone and sometimes it takes some people quite some time to find another decent job. If he was a loser, he'd be sitting around doing nothing, rather than taking another job so he can make an attempt to pay his bills and not rely on mommy and daddy. If this is your only issue, you should hold off on the engagement until he gets his financial footing. I can understand if your finance has never held a decent job, but that is obviously not the case. Unfortunately, you both encountered rough times...your loss of your dad and his loss of his job.

[Tiara_Avril]

Job loss happens to everyone and sometimes it takes some people quite some time to find another decent job.

 

That is so true. He once asked me why did I choose to stay with him, even though he is unemployed. I asked, "wouldn't you be with me if I'm jobless, or would you leave me when my looks fade, or when I become fat, or if met with some accident n become disabled? (He said he'll always love me) I know you would still be there for me, like you always were. Thats how it is". I always told him that we'll be very happy together and our lives would become better with our love.

 

Its just that, sometimes I think how can something this good, be truly happening in my life, and what if things become worse in future.

[pink_sugar]

That is so true. He once asked me why did I choose to stay with him, even though he is unemployed. I asked, "wouldn't you be with me if I'm jobless, or would you leave me when my looks fade, or when I become fat, or if met with some accident n become disabled? (He said he'll always love me) I know you would still be there for me, like you always were. Thats how it is". I always told him that we'll be very happy together and our lives would become better with our love.

 

Its just that, sometimes I think how can something this good, be truly happening in my life, and what if things become worse in future.

 

You will endure good and bad, no matter who you're with. It's an unfortunate part of life, but it's how you handle it that matters. From everything you've mentioned, aside from him being unemployed and issues with how your families view both of you, it sounds like you've gotten something great going on here. It doesn't sound like the problem is with him, but with the economy and he's doing the best he can to make ends meet.

[oldshirt]

When I lost my dad, my BF was jobless because he was fired from his old job for taking vacation without informing.

 

 

 

That's not taking a vacation. That's not showing up for work. That's going to be a big black mark that's going to follow him for awhile. He probably has a "do not rehire" mark on his employment record from that employer that is holding him back.

 

 

This shows immaturity and lack of responsibility. He may not be a "loser" per se but he needs to grow up and clean up his employment record even if that means working the counter at McDonald's for awhile and striving for a spotless record.

 

 

He may not be a bad guy and he may rub your feet and treat you well but you should not even be discussing marriage until he is gainfully employed in a steady position.

[VeronicaRoss]

Tiara,

 

You don't have to get married because you love him. You have our permission. My sister tried to let me know that before my first marriage, I wish I had listened to her and my gut! And I think your gut is talking to you and it's darned smart.

 

You've been through a big loss, you want a family again NOW. That makes emotional sense but not a smart emotion to respond to. Let me put it like this: do you know why Jessica Simpson married Nick? Because of the shock of 9/11. They had broken up but she talked herself into the man who had been the best one up til then. You know what happens after that, she looks bored to death on their anniversary dinner filmed before the world and they're divorcing soon after. A lot of people bond because of horrible experiences and talk themselves into rewarding that person with marriage. Don't marry in reaction to your parent passing. Bad reason.

 

He made a major, major mistake playing knight in white armor instead of manning up to his responsibilities at work. Not taking the phone calls from his boss, that makes it even worse.

 

The way he treats anyone else will be the way he treats you. He runs away from responsibilities. If you get married it will be you he won't take the call from when he doesn't want to. He will tell you never you, but believe me it will be you too. I think your gut is telling you something: this guy may have a real problem holding his end of the bargain. He's young, he may learn, but the jury is still out.

 

If I were you I'd come up with a major financial goal and say: "Honey I love you a ton. I want to enjoy our time together without responsibilities. But I'd like to get married knowing we can work as a team. I'd like us each to contribute $15K to a bank account so we can put money down on a house when we get married."

 

That'll slow things down and give him a goal. By watching to see what he does to meet that goal you will learn a ton about him, and your feelings about him too.

 

Is this the first time he REALLY had to face consequences for his actions, has his parents tried to shield him and excuse from his responsibilities? If you marry now, you're going to be raising each other. This is exactly the way it is and the way it looks when you marry young! So take your time, don't marry a loser.

 

Marry him if and when you feel confident in him.

[Million.to.1]

I can see why you have concerns OP, but your choice of words "like loser" here are not making you come across well which is why you are getting a hard time.

 

The issues here are :

 

Your respective families not 100% approving of your choices with each other and therefore you feel the need to defend their concerns..

 

Your BF made bad choices about "taking a vacation" he basically didn't show up. He used you as an excuse to be slack about his work commitments. And i agree with Oldshirt that his employment record may now be holding him back.

He didn't check an email which means a missed opportunity. These are not good traits. He needs to sort this out.

 

Apart from the above he sounds like a really awesome and supportive partner. You need to recognise his strengths and HELP him overcome this weakness. Maybe being career orientated isn't him. Maybe he'd make a great stay at home dad while you work. Who says he has to earn more than you. Your family? Pft.

 

If his lack of dedication for moving out of this employment slump is bothering you, you need to talk to him about it. Him being from a well off family maybe means he just never had any experience of financial struggle before so therefore he just doesn't have much motivation cause it's always been easy and he has never really missed out on anything. I have friends from well off families a bit like this... They just don't have the drive like someone who has always had to work for what they have. That's probably the issue your family has... as they have seen you work hard, and him just coasting along. But he has been supportive in other ways and they can't see that.

[ja123]

Your BF made bad choices about "taking a vacation" he basically didn't show up. He used you as an excuse to be slack about his work commitments. And i agree with Oldshirt that his employment record may now be holding him back.

He didn't check an email which means a missed opportunity. These are not good traits. He needs to sort this out.

 

 

 

Those are 2 points that I thought of, as well.

 

 

OP, does he even like his computer science field?

 

 

Perhaps that is why he is undermining his employment.

 

 

He could take the Myer's-Briggs (Jung) personality test, and research careers.

 

 

This is one, but there are others:

 

 

http://similarminds.com/jung.html

 

 

 

 

You might also want to look at your core values:

Edited April 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[William]

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[pink_sugar]

That's not taking a vacation. That's not showing up for work. That's going to be a big black mark that's going to follow him for awhile. He probably has a "do not rehire" mark on his employment record from that employer that is holding him back.

 

 

This shows immaturity and lack of responsibility. He may not be a "loser" per se but he needs to grow up and clean up his employment record even if that means working the counter at McDonald's for awhile and striving for a spotless record.

 

 

He may not be a bad guy and he may rub your feet and treat you well but you should not even be discussing marriage until he is gainfully employed in a steady position.

 

While I agree with this, there is also a misconception about black marks an unemployment record. Technically I have a "black mark" from an old job due to quitting without giving a full 2 weeks notice (long story) but I have had several jobs since. You can simply avoid negative comments from this employer by putting no to contact. The only thing prospective employers can do is ask whether or not you are eligible for rehire at a previous employer and they usually will say yes or no and 90% of the time, that's all the answer will be. The black mark pertains to that particular employer in the sense that they will not hire him back in the future. But formal employment records do not show that type of thing.

Edited April 22, 2014 by pink_sugar

[whichwayisup]

First off, I'm sorry for your loss, it isn't easy losing a parent (been there too).

 

How can he be a loser? The man is kind, loyal, loving, giving and puts you first over just about everything. That is a guy to hold onto!! He lost a well paid job to look after you! He can find another job, he's young and smart.

 

If you think he's a loser then maybe you need to re think if you actually love him or not. Just keep in mind, if you end it and find another guy, that guy may make shi.tloads of money but may not treat you as well, be there for you in the best possible way.

[Radu]

Please don't judge me or jump to conclusion just because i poured my heart out.

 

I tried to refer him in my company but got reply that he doesn't have enough experience. My friend referred him in her company but he didn't check mail n missed the interview.

His friend referred but despite impressing the interviewer, they took a candidate referred by a senior manager. (office politics) he lost hope there.

 

I was always supportive. Its just that I'm tired.

I tried to work on his interview skills but he denied saying that he wants some peaceful time with me n he'll be alright if I just hugged him.

 

And I love him a lot. He knows that. I really do.

But I panick whenever I think of married life.

 

I don't know if he's a loser, but i'm getting a doormat and rich kid vibe here.

 

Well, doormat as in, he is not masculine, or knows what masculine is.

Which can be a function of his immaturity.

 

When i said 'rich kid' i did not mean trust fund baby.

It's one thing to go through life knowing you have to succeed no matter what because you have no to little backup, and it's another thing to go through life knowing that you have the luxury of not working very hard.

[Els]

First off, I'm sorry for your loss, it isn't easy losing a parent (been there too).

 

How can he be a loser? The man is kind, loyal, loving, giving and puts you first over just about everything. That is a guy to hold onto!! He lost a well paid job to look after you! He can find another job, he's young and smart.

 

Yes, this. If he had lost his job through too much partying or a video game addiction or something... yeah, I'd tell you to ditch him. But if he lost it to take care of you, I'd think you should be more appreciative and support him in return.

[Tiara_Avril]

I guess I have to give him more time. No he doesn't like computers, but he's trying job in that field because thats where his educational qualification is.

 

I suggested to change the field but he's worried that he's not so young to start his career all over from scratch. And doesn't wanna be a stay at home person. He has some ego that he should earn enough, like a real man, and buy me gifts and take me on vacation. I told him to consider all options.

 

And yes, we think that there is a black mark in his record which is screwing up his interviews in background verification or something. I understand why he didn't show up, but the interviewers would not care.

 

Yes, he is the kinda person who wouldn't take calls if he is really busy or not in a position to speak. So it is expected that I would be on the receiving end some day. I'm ok with that because that is how he is. And he never forgot to call back after seeing my message.

 

I don't know how long he's gonna be at the current job. He told me that he's attending some certification class after work, so that he can keep his skills updated and be more employable.

 

After finishing college, he wanted to do masters in business administration but that needs lot of money, which he didn't have at that time. He sought his parents help, telling that he would repay them but they refused to help (they wanted to invest that money is business instead of paying his fees). He couldn't get loan too.

 

So he changed his plans and started working in computers for few months, after which he got fired. So he is working in a field where his heart is not, but he couldn't pursue higher studies in another field either.

[soccerrprp]

He promises that he'll take good care of me. I'm sure we have enough love to live happily for a life time but what about money? He loves kids but I don't even know if we can afford to have kids and provide them with good education. Am I just being paranoid? Can love be everything in life? Am I being selfish? Is he a loser?

 

You kind of remind me of someone I know. She was in love, tolerated laziness for an extended period of time, tolerated other behaviors that were tell-tale signs of dysfunction and ignored it until it became DANGEROUS to ignore. Why in the world would you marry this guy knowing what you know is troublesome for you and your future????

 

He's from a rich family but has little or no motivation, ambition. He is not even behaving like a man which I think is worse. His behavior under the circumstances is indicative of what kind of guy he is going to be whether or not you two become financially stable.

 

You may love him, but I suspect that it's not an all encompassing love. You only remember the time he supported you during your tough times, but ignore his inadequacies, short-comings b/c you may feel "obligated?"

 

No, you NEED to think very carefully about this. Your love is not enough. His love and demonstration of that love is also needed. 2-way street, not one. When it becomes a 1-way street, that is co-dependency, not love.

Edited April 22, 2014 by soccerrprp

[Lei Ping]

You kind of remind me of someone I know. She was in love, tolerated laziness for an extended period of time, tolerated other behaviors that were tell-tale signs of dysfunction and ignored it until it became DANGEROUS to ignore. Why in the world would you marry this guy knowing what you know is troublesome for you and your future????

 

He's from a rich family but has little or no motivation, ambition. He is not even behaving like a man which I think is worse. His behavior under the circumstances is indicative of what kind of guy he is going to be whether or not you two become financially stable.

 

You may love him, but I suspect that it's not an all encompassing love. You only remember the time he supported you during your tough times, but ignore his inadequacies, short-comings b/c you may feel "obligated?"

 

No, you NEED to think very carefully about this. Your love is not enough. His love and demonstration of that love is also needed. 2-way street, not one. When it becomes a 1-way street, that is co-dependency, not love.

This BF is not a "loser". He is obviously very giving of his time, love and concern which is a perfect fit for the OP who is emotionally needy and unstable. Fortunately she seems fiscally responsible enough for the two of them and that's a good thing because he won't ever change.

 

 

Here's something to think about....if his Parents, who are described here as somewhat wealthy don't think that investing in furthering his formal education is a good idea that speaks volumes about him. Who knows a person better than their Parents? If they see funding his education in a field where he will obviously never succeed as good money after bad then maybe he should be working at the Post Office.

 

 

Marriage? What's to gain? It's a comfortable relationship, why can't that be enough? Marriage isn't for everybody and this Guy doesn't sound anywhere near responsible enough to trust any farther than hanging out on the weekends and massaging her bunions for gas money and a meal.

[Fugu]

I think it sounds like you both have a little growing up to do, at least in terms of understanding what a marriage is.

 

You say that you're tired of lending him money. Well guess what? In a marriage, your money is his money, and the other way around, so you need to understand that before you get yourself into that kind of commitment.

 

I think the deeper issue here is that you're concerned about whether he is capable of contributing equally to the financial stability that marriage requires. I'll say this, many, many marriages lack parity when it comes to income and career. My wife earns more than I do and had to help me a little bit before we got married. I helped her with other things. Couples find ways to help each other. Seems like you've helped him financially and he's helped you emotionally. I would acknowledge, though, that the longer you stay well psychologically, the less your previous instability becomes an issue, and the more his financial instability will become an issue as time goes on.

 

On his side, it seems like he needs to grow up a little bit when it comes to things like finding work and getting income. I think a good sit-down talk is in order. Try not to get accusatory but just keep it objective. Tell him your observations. And get him to think of ways to change his behavior. Have him talk to a mentor or a career coach. Some people with great degrees simply don't know how to get hired and to stay hired. He may also not be sure what he wants to do with his life exactly. Talk about that too.

[gaius]

Sounds like a loser to me. What kind of guy bends over backwards like that to meet the needs of another person? At such expense to themselves? No wonder you have a certain level of disdain for him. He would make a much better friend than a lover.

 

You go through with this marriage and you're gonna regret it.

[d0nnivain]

He sounds like a good guy who made a stupid mistake, not telling his boss he needed time off. The fact that he had a good reason, doesn't make it a good decision.

 

 

Eventually he will get a new job. As long as he's actively looking, no I don't think you are engaged to a loser but if he's not actively looking, then there may be a problem. FWIW, IMO, actively looking is sending out 5-10 resumes / applications per day; spending at least 1 hour per day on the internet looking for jobs; talking to at least 1 recruiter / headhunter / temp agency per week and attending at least 1 networking event per week. While you are out of work, getting a new job should be your 40 hour per week responsibility.

 

 

For now, love him. Enjoy your engagement but be smart, don't put down deposits or move forward until he gets his career in order.

[pink_sugar]

I guess I have to give him more time. No he doesn't like computers, but he's trying job in that field because thats where his educational qualification is.

 

I suggested to change the field but he's worried that he's not so young to start his career all over from scratch. And doesn't wanna be a stay at home person. He has some ego that he should earn enough, like a real man, and buy me gifts and take me on vacation. I told him to consider all options.

 

And yes, we think that there is a black mark in his record which is screwing up his interviews in background verification or something. I understand why he didn't show up, but the interviewers would not care.

 

Yes, he is the kinda person who wouldn't take calls if he is really busy or not in a position to speak. So it is expected that I would be on the receiving end some day. I'm ok with that because that is how he is. And he never forgot to call back after seeing my message.

 

I don't know how long he's gonna be at the current job. He told me that he's attending some certification class after work, so that he can keep his skills updated and be more employable.

 

After finishing college, he wanted to do masters in business administration but that needs lot of money, which he didn't have at that time. He sought his parents help, telling that he would repay them but they refused to help (they wanted to invest that money is business instead of paying his fees). He couldn't get loan too.

 

So he changed his plans and started working in computers for few months, after which he got fired. So he is working in a field where his heart is not, but he couldn't pursue higher studies in another field either.

 

OP, as I mentioned this "black mark" isn't available for the world to see. It only means he is no longer elligible for rehire at that company. Is he putting "no" to contact on his application? Many of us have been fired for all kinds of reasons and it's not the end of the world. It's not like he was stealing from the company or something. Just made a stupid mistake. What's his experience like and how marketable are his skills? This is a big deal when looking for jobs. If you're looking for an administrative job for example, there is tons of competition, so those may be harder to land if you have no experience. Also, how are his interview skills? Maybe he needs to freshen up his resume. It's a tough job market and it's harder for some than others to find work. I get calls for interviews all the time and it still took me about 3 months to find work.

[soccerrprp]

This BF is not a "loser". He is obviously very giving of his time, love and concern which is a perfect fit for the OP who is emotionally needy and unstable. Fortunately she seems fiscally responsible enough for the two of them and that's a good thing because he won't ever change.

 

 

Here's something to think about....if his Parents, who are described here as somewhat wealthy don't think that investing in furthering his formal education is a good idea that speaks volumes about him. Who knows a person better than their Parents? If they see funding his education in a field where he will obviously never succeed as good money after bad then maybe he should be working at the Post Office.

 

 

Marriage? What's to gain? It's a comfortable relationship, why can't that be enough? Marriage isn't for everybody and this Guy doesn't sound anywhere near responsible enough to trust any farther than hanging out on the weekends and massaging her bunions for gas money and a meal.

 

Lei Ping,

 

I am confused. You disagree with me??? In the end you seem to agree that he will not change and be responsible enough.

Edited April 22, 2014 by soccerrprp

[Tiara_Avril]

Well, its not like he is not behaving like a man or he is trying to enjoy the weekends on my money. I wouldn't accept that. He's a great guy. He loves me. I actually suggested that I can take loan from my company if he wants to apply for higher education (not a good idea, I know) and he denied that he cannot ask me to get into debt for him and that he would continue looking for a job that pays well.

 

I tried to talk to him about his career twice before, but he said he doesn't wanna talk about it. Mainly because, when I start, I'm not able to avoid that accusatory and panicky tone and it makes him feel guilty and bad. He is trying hard but probably its his bad luck. We are dating for 18 months, (out of which he was jobless for 12 months) and we just had 2 fights, both about his career. He said he is happy and feels peaceful only when he meets me and he doesn't wanna ruin it. He assured that things will get better.

 

He has dream and ambition. He wants to start his own business but obviously thats gonna take time and hell lot of money, which he doesn't have now. So his goal is to get a better job and save money for his plan. His current job is very stressful, yet low paying. What I am afraid of is, thinking whether he would lose hope and become a bitter person after marriage. Opportunities are very low in his field of experience for people who have less experience. And he's not comfortable to start his career all over again in a new field...

[pink_sugar]

Well, its not like he is not behaving like a man or he is trying to enjoy the weekends on my money. I wouldn't accept that. He's a great guy. He loves me. I actually suggested that I can take loan from my company if he wants to apply for higher education (not a good idea, I know) and he denied that he cannot ask me to get into debt for him and that he would continue looking for a job that pays well.

 

I tried to talk to him about his career twice before, but he said he doesn't wanna talk about it. Mainly because, when I start, I'm not able to avoid that accusatory and panicky tone and it makes him feel guilty and bad. He is trying hard but probably its his bad luck. We are dating for 18 months, (out of which he was jobless for 12 months) and we just had 2 fights, both about his career. He said he is happy and feels peaceful only when he meets me and he doesn't wanna ruin it. He assured that things will get better.

 

He has dream and ambition. He wants to start his own business but obviously thats gonna take time and hell lot of money, which he doesn't have now. So his goal is to get a better job and save money for his plan. His current job is very stressful, yet low paying. What I am afraid of is, thinking whether he would lose hope and become a bitter person after marriage. Opportunities are very low in his field of experience for people who have less experience. And he's not comfortable to start his career all over again in a new field...

 

Honestly, I think it's best you lay off him for now and let him do his thing. I've learned from experience that 'mothering him' for lack of a better term or 'nagging on him' isn't helping the relationship. You're not even married yet and this is already becoming unhealthy. I'm assuming you don't live together? If so, I would give him space until things start picking up. If I could do it over, I would wait until both of us were financially stable before mingling our finances. It's not your responsibility to get a loan for him either, no matter how responsible about this you feel. How old is he? Are his parents finances an obstacle from him getting financial aid for his education? I am thinking about going back to school for my Masters degree myself, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's important that I have a stable full time income before adding more debt.

[Tiara_Avril]

No we don't live together. I'm not a nagging GF (thankfully). He is a very decent man when in a committed relationship so I never felt less loved. He is 26 years old. Yes, he doesn't really come off as a person who needs loan, so thats the end of it. He also decided not to study after all this. We could've been a wonderful couple but all these thoughts and my insecure feeling and his new found low self confidence, all these are messing up with my head.

Edited April 22, 2014 by Tiara_Avril

[pink_sugar]

No we don't live together. I'm not a nagging GF (thankfully). He is a very decent man when in a committed relationship so I never felt less loved. He is 26 years old. Yes, he doesn't really come off as a person who needs loan, so thats the end of it. He also decided not to study after all this. We could've been a wonderful couple but all these thoughts and my insecure feeling and his new found low self confidence, all these are messing up with my head.

 

This is what I mean by mothering or nagging:

 

 

I tried to talk to him about his career twice before, but he said he doesn't wanna talk about it. Mainly because, when I start, I'm not able to avoid that accusatory and panicky tone and it makes him feel guilty and bad.

 

My advice is to leave him alone about it and make his own choices. Taking on this stress isn't necessary for you. It'll cause anger and resentment on both sides.