Window Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 Based on a list of descriptions, can anyone offer advice on what kind of psychological issue(s) my boyfriend might have? I’ve been trying to figure it out for a long time now, but not sure I ever will. He is in his 40s. My intuition tells me that there is something very wrong here, but sometimes I doubt myself. Sometimes I think I'm being emotionally abused, but again, not sure. (I've been very confused for some time now about a lot of things having to do with him/us.) Sometimes I think he matches the descriptions for schizoid… - He is HIGHLY, HIGHLY critical of everything that I do (he has lectured me on how to properly use the bar of soap in the shower so that it lasts longer, has told me how to correctly hold a dish sponge in order to more quickly wash utensils, has questioned my choice of tampons, will often give detailed instructions on how to do things that I already know how to do, will question why I do the things I do and how I came to the conclusions that I’ve come to, etc.) - almost never displays any positive emotion (almost never laughs, smiles, or shows joy) - is HIGHLY intelligent - is HIGHLY rational - believes that love is an “obnoxious emotion” (has never told a girlfriend, including me, that he loves her) - lives in isolation most of the year (works from home and almost never leaves the house except to go to the grocery store) - when we do go grocery shopping he becomes extremely anxious and frustrated [shopping for groceries is a waste of his time; for reasons I won’t go into here, yes, he has to go shopping w/me] - can come across as very cold, some days not showing any affection (physical or otherwise) toward me - Once, when a sort of ex-girlfriend of his was going to come stay with us for a few days, he was going to allow her to sleep with us in the same bed (and no, no sex would’ve happened or been expected to happen, etc.). I was emotionally and mentally stressed at this time due to medical issues that occurred, and I was running on empty. I could not tolerate the idea of this other person spending a week with us, let alone sleeping in our bed. I would never have time alone w/Tom, she would always be there. While she is a nice person she, in all seriousness, has a pathological talking problem. (She talks incessantly, it’s hard to get a word in. She will use every adjective available to describe something long after you’ve understood what she was trying to convey.) Anyway, the week before she was possibly going to visit, Tom and I got into a big argument (one of very few that we’ve ever had) about her coming and where she’d sleep. He said it would be hurtful to her to have her sleep alone in the guest bedroom while the two of us were together in our room. (She was going through a tough time in her life and is still in love w/Tom.) He said if she can’t share our room then he’d just sleep alone on the couch. My own boyfriend would not even share a bed with me that week if she were to visit and not be allowed to sleep (literally, just sleep) with us. This blew my mind. - he hates other humans/hates the world - when we do socialize (not often), he seems like a totally different guy around other people. He will come across as charming, easygoing, and personable. It is this version of him that I fell in love with. But I now know he’s really nothing like that. - he is extremely anxious, all day every day - Everything we do has to be planned in advance. We can’t even just go to a restaurant spontaneously. Instead we have to extensively comb through reviews on Yelp and make comparisons. - It’s not just restaurants, but most anything we do has to be extensively and meticulously researched. It takes the fun and joy out of life. - He never lives in the moment. Not once have we ever sat somewhere just enjoying the moment or the experience of being where we were. - I experience extreme social anxiety if I have to talk to another person while Tom is there and can hear. I used to talk to my mom on the phone nearly every day, but after moving in with Tom I could no longer talk to her or my best friend on the phone due to my anxiety being so bad. In the beginning I made myself call them anyway thinking that I’d overcome it with practice, but it never got better. I’ve pretty much stopped calling anyone b/c when I do, everyone gets worried that something is very wrong with me because of how unlike myself I sound. My best friend says that I sometimes sound scared. - I do sometimes experience extreme anxiety and dread with Tom, especially if he comes into the kitchen while I’m cooking one of our meals. I’m nervous that he’ll start criticizing me and telling me how to do everything differently. He often does his criticizing and/or questioning in a way that leaves me feeling really stupid. - If I ever misinterpret something or fail to understand something he becomes extremely annoyed. This makes me feel bad and nearly scared to converse with him anymore on the more abstract, complex issues that we often like to discuss. - He can sometimes be controlling about our meals. If portion sizes seem too small or too large *for him*, he’ll say *we* should cut back (or have more, depending). It’s like he’s deciding how much I will or won’t have as well based on *his* preferences. - He refers to his parents (both of whom are dead) by their first names, never as mom or dad. (I mention this b/c I think it helps illustrate the fact of how unattached he is to anyone.) - Speaking of attachment, it is something that he does not do, not even in relationships. Because of this, the entire time that I’ve been with him, I’ve not once felt loved, truly cared for, or secure. I never felt like we were a team. Sometimes he uses the pronoun “I” where most boyfriends would say “us” or “we.” - I have no friends and have not been able to make any due to being too socially anxious to be myself and get to know anyone as long as Tom is around. I'm not sure why my anxiety is so bad this way (socially) when he's around. Anyway, it’s been a year and a half now and I cannot go on like this much longer. I stopped being myself a long time ago. I used to be a friendly, cheery person who was full of life. Lately I’ve become depressed (I have no appetite and have very little energy). I daydream about all the simple stuff in life that brought me pleasure, stuff that I no longer do b/c Tom just wants to be at home 24/7 and get anxious and and depressed about everything. I feel like I'm suffocating. The smile on the face of a clerk at the store is enough to make me nearly want to hug them and hold on tight. I miss human warmth and emotion so much. I miss sitting outside with someone who cares about me like I care about them, and feeling the sun on my face. I miss eating the foods that I want to eat, when I want to eat them. I miss experiencing the beauty in life. I miss spontaneity. I miss living life with passion. I miss laughter. I miss my family and old friends I no longer talk to, and I miss me.
GoreSP Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I don't see any psychological issue with him. He's just a controlling and abusive ass. If I were you I would get out if there before it's too late and he destroys your self worth enough so you stay with him... 4
Candy_Pants Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Sounds like Aspergers to me. Everything except the "charming in social situations" part.
iiiii Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 People can be jerks without necessarily having a psychiatric disorder. Sounds like a toxic relationship. "Diagnosing" him over the internet isn't going to help that. Why are you still there? 3
TheGuard13 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 He sounds like an anal-retentive, control freak who is probably very insecure. 1
KaliLove Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Holy personality disorder Batman! Not Aspergers. Definitely Cluster B. Run. Now.
Author Window Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 Why are you trying to understand it? Why are your shoes not on and your arse out the door?? A part of me wants to understand it in the same way that I want to understand many things in life. It's just how I am. I am putting on my shoes, slowly but surely. 1
Author Window Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 The wrong question. You might want to get some help and learn why you are with a man like this. He is what he is. Who knows without more impartial information. But, you can seek help for your attachment to him so you don't to repeat the pattern in your next relationship. I have been doing a lot of introspection in order to figure out how/why I ended up (and stayed in) a relationship like this. I will learn from this and try my best not to make the same mistake again. I should've listened to my intuition and left closer to the beginning, but I remained hopeful thinking things would change. This is the first long-term/live-in relationship that I've ever had so I didn't have past experiences to look at. But I am learning a lot from this one and in the future I will know to get out the second I sense that things are not right. And, yeah, impartial information would be beneficial here. I was aware of that as I posted this thread.
Candy_Pants Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 A part of me wants to understand it in the same way that I want to understand many things in life. It's just how I am. I am putting on my shoes, slowly but surely. He's not a puzzle. He's a person who doesn't love you or care about your feelings. He's verbally abusive and doesn't care enough to see what damage he's done to you. 5
VeronicaRoss Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 You need to run, but to a therapist to understand why you were drawn to someone like this and why you stayed this long so you don't ever do it again. There are a million people like that in the world, you need to do something so these people have no interest for you. 2
iiiii Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I love it. Maybe there is a degree in Twatology? Not laughing at you, by the way, OP. I do reckon you should leave this dude and try to understand him when you're out of the toxic situation. Things will probably seem clearer then, anyway. It's often hard to see things when you're in the middle of it, distance can give a lot of perspective. 4
GemmaUK Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I don't think he has any disorder. He is just a controlling and emotionally abusive man who can easily switch his charm on when required. I suspect his charm worked on you in the early stages and you felt your first hunch that things weren't right within the first couple of months. He has beaten your self esteem down and has found subtle ways to disconnect you from others. The next thing will be that you are difficult to live with and no other man would put up with you if that hasn't already happened. You need to get out and sooner rather than later. Tell your family what is going on. Write to them if needs be. If you try to end this yourself he will either turn on the charm or will tell you no one else will have you. Either of those will make you stop and stick around for longer. It took me 4 months to end a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship as my then guy turned the charm on. The charm didn't last long..just a few short days each time. If your family are made aware then you will have support and they will probably just come and get you. They would also need to be made aware that his charm is just an act. Be really honest with them about everything. There is a free kindle book on Amazon called The Jealousy Game by Mandy White which is a short read (took me about an hour) but shows how this kind of relationship can progress. It'll show you why you need to get out now as this has every chance of getting worse, it won't ever get better nor stop. If you aren't able to write to your folks as he would find any letter you could even just ask them to read the book and tell them which page your life is at. Anyone can download a kindle app for free on a pc or a phone so you don't even need to buy a kindle if you don't have one. They already suspect something is up so I think they will understand. You don't deserve this treatment, no one does. ((hugs)). 1
eye of the storm Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Window, if you want to figure out what makes him tick....do it from a distance. A looooong distance. good luck. 1
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