BS Contacting me

[Goodbye]

The OW chose to include the W by revealing the A. The MM was lying to both women. The OW needed closure and hoped revealing would keep her XBF from contacting her. The response from the W could have been anything actually and OP took her chances. From her account the W handled it fairly well, and without malice. Unfortunately, I think she may have mistook the OP's actions and thought she was revealing as an act of altruism toward the W. The woman is trying to sort out the truth, the OP is over it and NOW wants to move on. It's certainly her perogative to drop the bomb and disappear but she's leaving the W in a bad place. A place that she is at least somewhat responsible for by revealing. It seems the right thing to do is to give her the info she needs. It's my understanding that the OP didn't realize that the MM was actively married.

 

 

So, in turn, does this give me the right to ask the BS all sorts of questions about her sex life with the MM? The sex life he claimed didn't exist because they were in a divorce of her choice? Of course I'd like to know the truth about what was going on behind MY back too...but enough already.

[yellowmaverick]

So, in turn, does this give me the right to ask the BS all sorts of questions about her sex life with the MM? The sex life he claimed didn't exist because they were in a divorce of her choice? Of course I'd like to know the truth about what was going on behind MY back too...but enough already.

 

I agree...enough already. You have provided her with some information, but the rest now needs to come from from her H. I have been where she is...I understand the need to know. But she is seeking it from the wrong source.

[HermioneG]

Huh? I don't understand your response.

 

Affair partners insert themselves into the betrayeds life, in the vast majority of situations. It is different with an unwitting OW/OM but a knowing OW interferes in the betrayed's life.

 

That's what that means.

[notserene]

Affair partners insert themselves into the betrayeds life, in the vast majority of situations. It is different with an unwitting OW/OM but a knowing OW interferes in the betrayed's life.

 

That's what that means.

 

That's exactly what I meant in my earlier remark. It hits a nerve to be told I'm "interfering" by someone who didn't hesitate to "interfere" in my life. I am sorry if my comment seemed snarky or poorly thought out.

 

For the record, I have no desire to talk to the OW my husband had an affair with. He's been pretty honest, sometimes painfully so.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

So, in turn, does this give me the right to ask the BS all sorts of questions about her sex life with the MM? The sex life he claimed didn't exist because they were in a divorce of her choice? Of course I'd like to know the truth about what was going on behind MY back too...but enough already.

 

If the two of you are sharing information I can't imagine what it would hurt to have your questions answered as well.

[gettingstronger]

Ladies I totally understand about the ow inserting herself on our lives as BS. But this poster left the relationship when she found out her was married. In this situation I believe she has done her part. We can not let the MM off the hook. He owes his wife the answers she is seeking.

[QuakerOats]

The OW chose to include the W by revealing the A. The MM was lying to both women. The OW needed closure and hoped revealing would keep her XBF from contacting her. The response from the W could have been anything actually and OP took her chances. From her account the W handled it fairly well, and without malice. Unfortunately, I think she may have mistook the OP's actions and thought she was revealing as an act of altruism toward the W. The woman is trying to sort out the truth, the OP is over it and NOW wants to move on. It's certainly her perogative to drop the bomb and disappear but she's leaving the W in a bad place. A place that she is at least somewhat responsible for by revealing. It seems the right thing to do is to give her the info she needs. It's my understanding that the OP didn't realize that the MM was actively married.

 

 

The BS was involved before the OW told her. She was involved because her husband had stepped outside the marriage and was having a full blown relationship with another. Her husband involved her.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The BS was involved before the OW told her. She was involved because her husband had stepped outside the marriage and was having a full blown relationship with another. Her husband involved her.

 

Her husband put her in this position but he did not involve her in their affair.

[gettingstronger]

Goodbye, this is how our situation played out. We declined to voluntarily become involved in their divorce. He had his atty subpoena us. We had to decline again through our atty. it's been an ugly mess. Again, it's their mess not ours. We have our own mess to deal with we don't need to get in any deeper in theirs.

[jellybean89]

Oh my god, the irony. You jump down the throats of women who think of telling the W, and you jump down their throats when they do, and now if they don't give the W free access? It is never "enough" or "right" in your minds...seriously. This is one of those things that gets debated here like every week and every week its the same crap. Basically, the BS is some saint to be worshipped and glorified and the OW can not possibly address her "the right way."

 

The OP did the brave thing and contacted the BS when the H WOULDN"T LEAVE HER ALONE. She answered her questions. She didn't send some anonymous text, she didn't stalk the BS. She did fine. If she wants to communicate with the BS further, up to her. BS should probably get counseling and work on her marriage and let the OW heal. As the BS's like to say, "Stop inserting yourself in the OW's life."

 

What? I jumped down whose throat? Or are you generalizing about BS's, which I am not one. Why is it hard to understand that it isn't just BS's who have issues with affairs? Free access? I think you are being quite over dramatic and obviously this thread has triggered you for whatever reason. How do you not know that the BS isn't already in counseling? Maybe the BS has a specific question? Maybe the BS wants to confirm something that the H is adamant that didn't happen? no one knows until the call is returned. I have no idea why you are so angry; but my response wasn't directed at you. It was in response to the OP's post, which was posted asking for opinions/thoughts on her response.

 

I don't understand the big deal of responding to the BS. The BS is the innocent in all this -- not that she is some saint to be worshipped....lol.. I don't even understand how you came to that conclusion. The BS didn't berate the OW, didn't call her names, etc. She called and left a vm asking for a return call. I guess you can't understand how a BS may need to speak to an OW when she isn't getting the truth from the cheater. It seems so funny to me to say "go ask the H" when we know he is a known liar! Do people expect him to man up and tell the truth? Heck, Goodbye didn't get the truth from him, the wife didn't get the truth from him...why in the world would anyone else think it would be a good idea to ASK HIM for the truth?????

 

Ladies I totally understand about the ow inserting herself on our lives as BS. But this poster left the relationship when she found out her was married. In this situation I believe she has done her part. We can not let the MM off the hook. He owes his wife the answers she is seeking.

 

Agree - but we know the MM isn't giving the wife the truth -- he didn't when he chose to have an affair and he didn't give the woman he was having an affair with the truth. I guess I don't see the big deal with answering a few questions and then telling her that you would prefer her to never contact you again. I don't get it. She, the wife, wasn't mean or rude or anything...if she had been, I totally understand Goodbye not wanting to deal with her. But that isn't what Goodbye said in her post. I just figure that if Goodbye can provide the BS with answers to whatever questions, why is that such a bad thing?

 

Also Goodbye didn't end the affair upon learning he was really not divorcing. Her affair continued several months before it 'officially' ended - the MM kept 'sucking her back in'. I went back and read Goodbye's post from February. She even mentioned in that thread that she was going to send a letter to the wife's place of business and said the wife probably won't do anything about her H's affair except get mad at him for a little bit. She admitted the reason she was writing the letter to the wife was to hurt the MM; not to help the BS, apologize or alert her about the affair - but to get back at the MM for the hurt he caused her. That confirms why I feel it would be a 'nice' thing for Goodbye to return the phone call -- maybe now she will want to apologize to the wife for continuing to see the MM after she discovered he was not divorcing.

[Goodbye]

What? I jumped down whose throat? Or are you generalizing about BS's, which I am not one. Why is it hard to understand that it isn't just BS's who have issues with affairs? Free access? I think you are being quite over dramatic and obviously this thread has triggered you for whatever reason. How do you not know that the BS isn't already in counseling? Maybe the BS has a specific question? Maybe the BS wants to confirm something that the H is adamant that didn't happen? no one knows until the call is returned. I have no idea why you are so angry; but my response wasn't directed at you. It was in response to the OP's post, which was posted asking for opinions/thoughts on her response.

 

I don't understand the big deal of responding to the BS. The BS is the innocent in all this -- not that she is some saint to be worshipped....lol.. I don't even understand how you came to that conclusion. The BS didn't berate the OW, didn't call her names, etc. She called and left a vm asking for a return call. I guess you can't understand how a BS may need to speak to an OW when she isn't getting the truth from the cheater. It seems so funny to me to say "go ask the H" when we know he is a known liar! Do people expect him to man up and tell the truth? Heck, Goodbye didn't get the truth from him, the wife didn't get the truth from him...why in the world would anyone else think it would be a good idea to ASK HIM for the truth?????

 

 

 

Agree - but we know the MM isn't giving the wife the truth -- he didn't when he chose to have an affair and he didn't give the woman he was having an affair with the truth. I guess I don't see the big deal with answering a few questions and then telling her that you would prefer her to never contact you again. I don't get it. She, the wife, wasn't mean or rude or anything...if she had been, I totally understand Goodbye not wanting to deal with her. But that isn't what Goodbye said in her post. I just figure that if Goodbye can provide the BS with answers to whatever questions, why is that such a bad thing?

 

Also Goodbye didn't end the affair upon learning he was really not divorcing. Her affair continued several months before it 'officially' ended - the MM kept 'sucking her back in'. I went back and read Goodbye's post from February. She even mentioned in that thread that she was going to send a letter to the wife's place of business and said the wife probably won't do anything about her H's affair except get mad at him for a little bit. She admitted the reason she was writing the letter to the wife was to hurt the MM; not to help the BS, apologize or alert her about the affair - but to get back at the MM for the hurt he caused her. That confirms why I feel it would be a 'nice' thing for Goodbye to return the phone call -- maybe now she will want to apologize to the wife for continuing to see the MM after she discovered he was not divorcing.

 

 

 

Kept sucking me in EMOTIONALLY. That didn't make me get back together with him, or break NC on my end. Try reading for clarity.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Goodbye

[Red123]

I agree that this poster has done everything she can do. She answered the list of questions the BS had the first time and was respectful. I think that continuing to have contact will prevent both the poster and BS from moving forward and the BS will remain stuck if she feels she can verify every detail with the poster. As a BS myself I feel that if her H is serious about R then he must give his W the answers she needs and commit to supporting her through HIS betrayal.

[Lady2163]

OP, I would do what is best for you. You need to heal and put yourself first.

 

As much as people are encouraging you to have one last conversation with the bs, let's face it, if he continues to lie to her, your conversation is all in vain. It is your word against his.

[underpants]

Hey there.

 

I just read your story. Sad, I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

You seem to have handled yourself pretty well, it had to be tough, and in the end you did the right thing, for you and her, and even him. Everyone has the truth.

 

Has he remained no contact since?

 

I wouldn't send a certified letter. I don't even think you need to respond to her messages. It could open an avenue for him to contact you, or for her to drag you into their drama. A drama that you have hard fought to remove yourself from.

 

If anything you could send a text or email (from another number, or throw away email) that says you have been honest, there has been no contact and you wish to keep it that way, that you wish her healing but you are done...or something that makes it clear you wish no more contact and will not respond.

 

You sound like a strong lady.

[gettingstronger]

I see all sides on this and I think it comes down to our own experiences- for me our OW will not leave us alone and so I believe that any contact just prolongs the crazy- I feel like at some point everyone needs to move back in to their own world and get on with the healing- I do believe Goodbye is at that point as she has done quite a bit to answer the BS questions- I still feel like its her husbands responsibility to answer her questions and I sympathize that may not be happening but he still needs to buck up-

[Goodbye]

Hey there.

 

I just read your story. Sad, I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

You seem to have handled yourself pretty well, it had to be tough, and in the end you did the right thing, for you and her, and even him. Everyone has the truth.

 

Has he remained no contact since?

 

I wouldn't send a certified letter. I don't even think you need to respond to her messages. It could open an avenue for him to contact you, or for her to drag you into their drama. A drama that you have hard fought to remove yourself from.

 

If anything you could send a text or email (from another number, or throw away email) that says you have been honest, there has been no contact and you wish to keep it that way, that you wish her healing but you are done...or something that makes it clear you wish no more contact and will not respond.

 

You sound like a strong lady.

 

 

yes, he hasn't contacted me since I contacted his W back at the end of February. That has been good.

[gettingstronger]

BTW- as I recall he is in CO where infidelity is not a factor in divorce so you may not be dragged in to their divorce- for us it was GA where it does factor in- we had to plead the 5th as adultery is a crime in both GA and CO so that was our legal loophole to not be involved in their divorce-what a mess right?

[Goodbye]

BTW- as I recall he is in CO where infidelity is not a factor in divorce so you may not be dragged in to their divorce- for us it was GA where it does factor in- we had to plead the 5th as adultery is a crime in both GA and CO so that was our legal loophole to not be involved in their divorce-what a mess right?

 

 

Adultery is a crime in Colorado? My divorce was in Ct. and it is a no fault state although my exH admitted in one of his pre-hearing depositions that he cheated on me. The judge may have used this in factoring the distribution of assets, but it wasn't a crime or a "condition" of divorce. She can certainly try to subpoena me if it is that important to have my testimony.

[Summer Breeze]

I think you did just right OP. I agree an OW doesn't need to be a continuing resource for the BS. You were up front about who you are and the situation. You didn't shy away from anything. I'm sure she'll have all kinds of questions as time goes on but at what point is the line drawn and who draws it? My answer, it gets drawn by you when you want drawn. I went through a number of ddays and I spoke to his W any time she wanted. I hid nothing. I did let her know that I wasn't going to be doing that forever. If they were going to move on with their lives then I was going to do the same. I didn't see why I had to sit there like a scab waiting to be picked.

 

I totally see where everyone is coming from about helping out the BS but my thoughts are different. When my xH cheated on me I ended the M. He cheated and that was all I needed to know. I don't understand the drive to reconcile or to figure out all the bits and pieces of what went on.

 

You did good OP.

[Goodbye]

Update:

 

So, the BS called me today on my HOME phone number. I answered because I didn't want her to think this was an "ok" way to get in contact with me given I've got kids who sometimes answer that line.

 

I heard her out and this is what she wants: She wants to meet me with her H. They are coming to the east in May and she wants all of us to discuss what happened. My response: Absolutely no. I suggested that if she has THAT many questions about her H, perhaps she should be calling divorce lawyers and not the exOW. She said they were "happy." Ok. So, hearing her made me sick. My gut response was to call the exMM! And tell him to manage his own freakin' messed up situation. But, I did not. Thankfully. I have blocked her number (although she has numerous) from my land line now. Done, done, done with that crazy stuff. If she "needs" to talk to me, she can get a court order.

[Goodbye]

I think you did just right OP. I agree an OW doesn't need to be a continuing resource for the BS. You were up front about who you are and the situation. You didn't shy away from anything. I'm sure she'll have all kinds of questions as time goes on but at what point is the line drawn and who draws it? My answer, it gets drawn by you when you want drawn. I went through a number of ddays and I spoke to his W any time she wanted. I hid nothing. I did let her know that I wasn't going to be doing that forever. If they were going to move on with their lives then I was going to do the same. I didn't see why I had to sit there like a scab waiting to be picked.

 

I totally see where everyone is coming from about helping out the BS but my thoughts are different. When my xH cheated on me I ended the M. He cheated and that was all I needed to know. I don't understand the drive to reconcile or to figure out all the bits and pieces of what went on.

 

You did good OP.

 

 

Yes, I'm the same way, but I suppose everyone is different. To me, an affair is an affair. The little dirty details doesn't make or break the situation. I gave her enough "proof" back in February; if she has chosen to allow her H to gaslight her, she needs more help than any more little nuggets of info I can provide will help. Seriously, I gave her dates, places, hotel names, length of our times together, what he was telling me...all she needs to do is verify his cell phone records. It doesn't take a master spy to put 2 and 2 together with what I gave her already.

[QuakerOats]

Update:

 

So, the BS called me today on my HOME phone number. I answered because I didn't want her to think this was an "ok" way to get in contact with me given I've got kids who sometimes answer that line.

 

I heard her out and this is what she wants: She wants to meet me with her H. They are coming to the east in May and she wants all of us to discuss what happened. My response: Absolutely no. I suggested that if she has THAT many questions about her H, perhaps she should be calling divorce lawyers and not the exOW. She said they were "happy." Ok. So, hearing her made me sick. My gut response was to call the exMM! And tell him to manage his own freakin' messed up situation. But, I did not. Thankfully. I have blocked her number (although she has numerous) from my land line now. Done, done, done with that crazy stuff. If she "needs" to talk to me, she can get a court order.

 

 

Wow, just wow. This is why I posted here about "wishing she knew" but i'm not about to open that can of worms. What exactly does she want for you and her husband to talk about? I assume it is in front of her? Have you ever met her?

[Hope Shimmers]

I don't understand the big deal of responding to the BS. The BS is the innocent in all this --

 

The BS didn't berate the OW, didn't call her names, etc. She called and left a vm asking for a return call. I guess you can't understand how a BS may need to speak to an OW when she isn't getting the truth from the cheater. It seems so funny to me to say "go ask the H" when we know he is a known liar! Do people expect him to man up and tell the truth? Heck, Goodbye didn't get the truth from him, the wife didn't get the truth from him...why in the world would anyone else think it would be a good idea to ASK HIM for the truth?????

 

With all due respect, in my opinion you're missing the point. The point is that if she can't get the truth from her H and has to keep on contacting the OW for answers to her questions, then maybe she shouldn't be "reconciling" in the first place. The OP owes her nothing. I disagree that the BS is the only innocent in all of this... the OP was lied to about his intent to divorce.

 

Also Goodbye didn't end the affair upon learning he was really not divorcing. Her affair continued several months before it 'officially' ended - the MM kept 'sucking her back in'. I went back and read Goodbye's post from February. She even mentioned in that thread that she was going to send a letter to the wife's place of business and said the wife probably won't do anything about her H's affair except get mad at him for a little bit. She admitted the reason she was writing the letter to the wife was to hurt the MM; not to help the BS, apologize or alert her about the affair - but to get back at the MM for the hurt he caused her. That confirms why I feel it would be a 'nice' thing for Goodbye to return the phone call -- maybe now she will want to apologize to the wife for continuing to see the MM after she discovered he was not divorcing.

 

It seems you went out of your way to find something that the OP did wrong in order to justify her responsibility to the BS (although as the OP pointed out, you misread). I just don't understand the need to do this. A's are hurtful for both ends, and human beings aren't perfect. Why is there a need to assign blame and point fingers all the time? I will never get it. That's just me I guess.

 

In any event, OP... I am floored that she wants to have a meeting with you and her WS. I can't even imagine how that would go. Would you all sit around having coffee and discussing the affair details? Just wow... I feel sorry for the BS, being married to him... but she is in denial with a capital DENIAL.

Edited April 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Goodbye]

Wow, just wow. This is why I posted here about "wishing she knew" but i'm not about to open that can of worms. What exactly does she want for you and her husband to talk about? I assume it is in front of her? Have you ever met her?

 

 

Yes, she wants a 3 way meeting. I've never met her.

[Red123]

I totally think you made the right choice. I could see the request of the meeting if you were still contacting her H but you are completely done. This seems very bizarre to me, and I don't think the motivation is her healing anymore. You should trust your gut on this and stay away from them.