During 5 years, she broke up with me 3 to 4 times; need advice!

[Ben ang]

Hi all,

 

i been with my gf for near 5 years. Throughtout the 5 years, 2 years I was serving army, 1years working and currently back to Sch for my degree.

 

during this 5 years, she broke up with me 3 to 4 times. 1st time was when she told me she was worry that her parents know I am a smoker. but before she get together with me she told me she can accept me because she love me. so I manage to convince her telling her I will cut down on smoking and try to quit but I cannot guarantee anything and she decide to stick to me agn.

 

I tried cutting down and managed to quit smoking for 4 months and I went back to smoke agn. and I did not dare to tell her. occasionally when she ask, I need to lie to her because I know she will be mad and mention break up agn. after a month, I decide to tell her the truth and she broke up with me agn. and I manage to convince her agn. I told her u can't change me but accept me like u used to. but she say she cannot Trust me while I can't tell the truth because she will leave me. I manage to convince her and she told me she can understand.

 

during our 3rd years, I went to work and she is still studying for degree. although I am busy with my workloads. I still forge out time whenever I can. Meet her after work but we tend to meet lesser than before. so she broke up with me agn stating that I got no time for her and when she text me I take long time to reply her. because I need to rush my work I usually will not use my phone. whenever I meet her, I will get home late and sleep less than 6hrs before I go work. so I tend to meet her less as I need my own time and space too. she broke up with me agn stating that I did not spend enough time with her and mentioned I take long time to reply her msg. I manage to explained to her agn and she give up the ideas agn.

 

when I went back to School, one of our lesson is the same. my ex gf was suppose to finish the degree in 3 years but she fail many modules therefore she need to study another year. so whenever I sit beside her during the lesson, she will disturb and distract me and I was quite angry about it. we quarrel Abit and she agree we should sit separately to concentrate on the lesson. when I ask her to revise homework, she does not want to focus and Cont distracting me and I got angry agn and she will use her phone.

 

during the valentine day, I mention to her I am going to bring her out for good food but I will save on Rose. as a student now, I have no extra income so I told her I want to save the money on Rose and spend on food. she immediately got fed up and mad at me and I feel very disappointed

 

so just one month before the final exam, she broke up with me and she told me she has thought about it and sure she want this. I was devastated. I miss my prelim paper because I couldn't study and now I need to prepare for my final exam.

 

the trigger to this break up was when I studying for my prelim with my guy friend. out of a sudden she msg me and ask me to accompany her for lunch. so I told her I was rushing for my study and ask her to eat alone and she got really mad. I admit that I was too focus on my study because it's very important to me.

 

after she broke up with me, I keep wanting her back, text her and please her. even she broke up with me I still celebrate her birthday and she cry when I gave her a dress for present.

 

we still study a few times together and something she was using her phone consistently. I told her to focus on study and she will ask me not to care. she was msging and smiling secretly and whenever I try to peek she will hide away from me. she will check my whatapps when we meet up, so I ask her to borrow her phone to me to play game but I went to check her whatapps and I notice she has been texting one of the guy who was her study group before but he had graduated. she was telling him her daily stuff. when I confront her, she lied to me and was angry at me so she block me from Facebook, instagram and whatapps.

 

for the break up, she state that she knows what she want already. she say she did not need me anymore. she can be alone and ensure there is not 3rd parties involved. she also mention she has no feeling for me anymore. after the break up she took a day to reply my msg or ask me not to pester her.

 

it's been a month plus and I still miss her badly and could not focus on my exam which is coming. I could not believe someone that I use to trust so much and put so much hope will do this to me before my final exam. she knows that this exam is impt to me. our mutual friends told me she has changed, she become more arrogant and full of herself but I did not notice it and I guess I accept whatever she become. throughout the years, she seems to be very confused

 

any advices? trying to focus on study but I know it is not progressing

Edited April 20, 2014 by Ben ang

[jackny123]

Ben - as a third party with no emotional investment in the situation and after reading your story, my advice would be to forget about this girl and initiate NC.

 

Her behavior sounds erratic and jealous (checking your texts when she borrows your phone) as well as selfish (dropping you saying she is fine being alone etc).

 

This girl will only hurt you again and again. It's difficult to let go of someone we're comfortable with and that we believe truly loves us, but if she did, she wouldn't treat you this way.

 

You will find a girl who fully loves you and doesn't break up with you multiple times. A girl who really wants to be with you will work through the challenges you two have together.

 

My advice: Delete everything. Block her as well. Do not contact her under any circumstances. If you have to see her at all, do not sit anywhere near her in class or speak to her any longer than necessary.

 

If you're having trouble studying alone, study with a guy friend, and ask him to help you focus and get through your situation.

[Ben ang]

Hi jack,

Thx for reading and your reply.

 

after the broke up, when we meet she will check on my whatapps so when I secretly check hers and found out that I assume was emotional cheating on me and lying to me.

 

since then I broke I have not talk to her anymore. she block me on Facebook first so I assume she has the upper hand now. she can unblock and check on me and block me agn but I can't block her.

 

during the relationship, she will compare me to other couples. and say why other bf can do this for their gf and I can't. but what I can say is I give her what I can. I save up what I can as a student and give my all to her. End up during the break up, she told me I stop putting effort anymore.

 

it seems like she do not see my effort and my time with her. she just demanding more and told me she is unhappy.

 

our mutual friend has told me that my ex gf was kind of looking down on me and keeping herself open to choices as she mentioned lot of guys are chasing her which she has Never voice out to me before.

 

feeling sad that she could act so differently in front of me and when she is this kind of person behind me. after the break up, she do not feel sad at all and I can see that she is enjoying her life thru the photos she post on instagram.

 

I am glad she block me in all ways as to end my suffering

[Ben ang]

anyone has any idea how to block someone who has blocked you first on Facebook?

[Jiivy]

It would appear that this relationship you're in is a game. There are things you really don't want to hear - but the behaviour here is childish, mistrusting and downright immature.

 

You need to work on yourself and grow up.

 

I'm not inclined to be particularly harsh with my comments, so I'll balance it out for you. Regardless of my opinion of the maturity here, I don't deny that you're going to feel the same torment that most of us on LS are also feeling. I can tell you from my current experience that this is one of the hardest things you will ever have to overcome. You are not alone going through these things.

 

Read up some of the guides here on NC & healing. It'll get you started.

[Ben ang]

Hi Jiivy,

 

I treat this relationship seriously. I even care to plan our future. Try explaining to her but she won't understand anymore. but since she want to move on I will have to let her go.

 

I know that a break up does not Consist of one person mistakes. right now I am just accepting and reflecting on myself and at the same time trying to focus on my study too. I dun intent to block her but I feel that I need go nc and stop her from stalking me if any

 

thanks for guidance.

[Jiivy]

Hi Jiivy,

 

I treat this relationship seriously. I even care to plan our future. Try explaining to her but she won't understand anymore. but since she want to move on I will have to let her go.

 

I know that a break up does not Consist of one person mistakes. right now I am just accepting and reflecting on myself and at the same time trying to focus on my study too. I dun intent to block her but I feel that I need go nc and stop her from stalking me if any

 

thanks for guidance.

 

Listen, at the end of the day...how people view loving relationships can be fundamentally different. For the record, it takes 2 people to make a relationship to work but only 1 to end it.

 

It's difficult to separate your faults from the simple hurt of the relationship having ended. Don't be afraid to take the stance that maybe it wasn't you who needed to work on themselves but her as well!

 

If you're inclined, I would read the following book:

 

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing - Susan Anderson.

 

It talks a lot about how to cope in the long term and has a very psychological/self development view that might really get your focus right.

[Ben ang]

Okay. will refer to the book you recommend.

 

I know that I can't do much on my side but I will treat it as a experience to me and learnt from this relationship.

 

it's just hurts me when she blame everything on me during the break up. I guess time will heal everything. it's still shocking to me how she treat me like this. the person who I put so much hope and trust in it.

 

but I know that I am not alone. I will remain nc and move on.