Targetlock Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 From my experience I would say no, especially if it turns out to be a one way attraction and it ends up ruining the friendship this happened to me at college and I learned my lesson the hard way.
carhill Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Does starting off as friends first really work when you want it to develop it into a relationship long term? IME, as a man, never has for me, and that goes back to my first interactions with 'girls' as a post-puberty male.
iiiii Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Right. Why is it so important to pretend to be friends? I think its more palatable to call them friends to admit whats really going on? I don't even find it palatable, since I think it's a lie. I am all for taking it slowly in a new relationship, but IMO taking it slowly is not the same as just being friends. In most of those "lets just be friends first" situations, the people aren't really friends -one person wants to progress to a relationship and the other person has them on probation to see if they pass the "test". Nothing wrong with that either, but why lie and call it what it isn't? Keeping them on tenterhooks to see if they are good enough is not how you treat a friend.
hotpotato Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I don't even find it palatable, since I think it's a lie. I am all for taking it slowly in a new relationship, but IMO taking it slowly is not the same as just being friends. In most of those "lets just be friends first" situations, the people aren't really friends -one person wants to progress to a relationship and the other person has them on probation to see if they pass the "test". Nothing wrong with that either, but why lie and call it what it isn't? Keeping them on tenterhooks to see if they are good enough is not how you treat a friend. The person who wants to progress things, is prone to have an outburst. I dont need that in my life. See, when I say I want to be friends, I mean it, and I even pick guys I wouldn't want to date. Friends first isn't an option for me. I'd have to choose men who I'm sexually attracted to, but that's not friendship, is it? Moving from friends to lovers doesn't just happen, either. Men spend a lot of time trying to position themselves to get a sex or date after you. If a man is hanging around you and isn't gay, he probably is attracted to you. They wait until you have problems with your boyfriend so they can swoop in and save you. I screen guys for compatibility, but that is no where near the same as being friends.
hotpotato Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 From my experience I would say no, especially if it turns out to be a one way attraction and it ends up ruining the friendship this happened to me at college and I learned my lesson the hard way. On the other side, it can turn into a stalker/sexual harassment issue. That has happened to me several times. I have to keep a lot of distance between myself and male acquaintances.
Strength in Healing Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I'm not big on the whole friends first thing. I don't mean this offensively, but I suspect that this works for more average or below average looking people, because they need to start as friends since there isn't so much of an initial attraction, so they need to show themselves off in other ways. I personally have NEVER started dating a girl I'm friends with. Ever. I'd friendzone her or she may friendzone me, who knows, never tried, never care to. I don't mean to bash anyone, but psychologically, the above comment is the only instance where I think being friends first is viable if not necessary. You can build a friendship along with the relationship simultaneously. 1
carhill Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Perhaps antithetically, being of average looks and unremarkable 'zing' in the popularity scheme of things, I found a clearly focused and identifiable romantic interest and pursuit were paramount to avoiding the 'friendzone' or the 'brotherzone' (the latter far more likely!) Although this controverted my natural style of 'getting to know' a woman before becoming markedly attracted to her romantically, it was a necessary adjustment because women were/are single so briefly in my demographic. There was no time to 'get to know', at least at my level of socio/romantic status. Move or lose. Simple as that!
sillyanswer Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Does starting off as friends first really work when you want it to develop it into a relationship long term? As a deliberate strategy? No. 1
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I'm not big on the whole friends first thing. I don't mean this offensively, but I suspect that this works for more average or below average looking people, because they need to start as friends since there isn't so much of an initial attraction, so they need to show themselves off in other ways. Yeah right, noone can feel attraction to average or below average looking people and they are uncapable of feeling strong attraction because it is the monopoly of the good looking people. 1
bluegreen Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 You don't build a house on a "plain" only grass you build it on strong solid foundation right. Why would then relationship that is not hook up casual dating rebound or similar start different ?
pink_sugar Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 My husband and I started off as friends for a few months...took us awhile to admit our feelings were more than platonic. It was a first for both of us. Married almost 6 years now. 1
blueskyday Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 (edited) Trying to be friends first only works (for me) in cases where I don't want to date. Period. I'm taking a dating break. A lot of guys are ok with this because they will hang around hoping a woman will eventually date him. They do anything for her and basically act like an exclusive boyfriend. Bad strategy. A woman will think that he doesn't have any other dating options and his stock in her eyes will go down. It's much better to stay friends with a woman but keep dating other women. She will then see you as a possible romantic interest if she is attracted to you at all. I met the guy I'm with now after I decided I was going to take a dating break. I went out with some friends to meet more potential friends and I met him. Of course I was so attracted that I had to start dating him immediately! Edited April 30, 2014 by blueskyday 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 It can do, yes. Easily. I'd say there are better chances of it working for longer than relationships that begin right off the bat after a few dates with a stranger. I've even had a long term relationship start as friends for a couple years and then FWB for several months. At no point during either of those parts of our friendship did I see him as a possible boyfriend. Then he fell for me through the FWB thing and pursued me, and we began a proper relationship. He was the love of my life at the time, we had two years together until he dumped me. But the split was nothing to do with how we started.
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