Friends First Does it Work?

[napy666]

Does starting off as friends first really work when you want it to develop it into a relationship long term?

[Gaeta]

I personally do not believe in it.

 

A romantic relationship is based on attraction. I believe you've got to use that attraction and build on it. If you hold back that attraction to play friends it will die.

 

When I did online dating a lot of men said in their profile they wanted to start at friends. It was a 'no go' for me. I don't want a 'friend' or a 'buddy', I want a boyfriend. I want him to see me as a girlfriend and treat me as a girlfriend.

[Tressugar]

Yes! Every relationship needs a healthy, trustworthy foundation to build from. And how that's done is through a friendship.

[Kamila]

It depends.

 

1) I can't be friends with a guy i'm attracted to. I just want to run away if he has a gf or date him.

Or a small period of 'getting to know each other' before we date/don't date. I don't do the friends thing.

 

2) Or attraction built over time between two friends, it can happen. But in my case, rare.

[almond]

I feel that this is, for me, the absolute best way. I highly prefer it.

 

Building a friendship, getting to know each other over a period of time, observing how they treat themselves and others, and knowing that we genuinely enjoy each others company on a platonic level is very important to me.

 

I don't develop romantic feelings easily...they develop slowly and over time as I get to know someone. I'm overall very happy single, and often feel that dating and relationships can be a distraction that I would rather avoid at this point in my life (when I am single that is, I'm currently in a LTR)...it takes a fair bit for me to want to take the plunge with someone. This could surely work against me, as I see that many men won't "waste" their time in building friendships with females, but thankfully, it has worked in my favor thus far.

 

My boyfriend and I were close friends for three years before taking it further...truly and strictly platonic...zero flirting or jealousy, and we had both seen other people during that period. In fact, I was a pretty damn good wingwoman for him...lol. The friendship was fun and easy. Sure he was always very attractive, but feelings didn't develop until later down the line. Attraction is of course incredibly important, but it requires much more for me to want to invest time into someone. By the time my boyfriend and I had realised that we had developed feelings, we were both relatively deeply in love with each other. We knew each other so well...absolute trust and respect had already been built and proven over time, so no second guessing - we knew exactly what we were in for more or less. It helped. I don't expect this to be the norm however, or for it to be able to be repeated should we break up, which is unfortunate.

 

My last partner and I were also friends for an extended period of time before getting together.

 

I suppose it would be impractical to require a long term friendship before being open to a romantic relationship, especially as you get older. Which is a shame, because I think this works brilliantly. Clocks are ticking though I guess, but I much prefer to take my time and choose carefully.

[joystickd]

For most men no, but it can be if they figured out that is their style of dating/attraction/relationships. I say no for most men because it's can be hard to make that attraction sale in a friends first scenario. It will end up as friends and no romance. Plus why take things so slow. Asking the right questions helps you get to know someone. Most of what men and women do is a lot of small talk. It's useless in the process of getting to know someone and only drags it out. You have to ask people very personal and very provocative questions to get to know them.

[almond]

Plus why take things so slow. Asking the right questions helps you get to know someone. Most of what men and women do is a lot of small talk. It's useless in the process of getting to know someone and only drags it out. You have to ask people very personal and very provocative questions to get to know them.

 

...because actions speak louder than words.

 

Observing someone's behaviour over time tells you a hell of a lot about a person...much more than their answers to questions in a situation where they are trying to impress the person asking them.

[joystickd]

...because actions speak louder than words.

 

Observing someone's behaviour over time tells you a hell of a lot about a person...much more than their answers to questions in a situation where they are trying to impress the person asking them.

Actions during a thought provoking question say a lot. How do you know this person isn't just playing the role? If a person has an intended goal they can wait and usually slow can work in these people's favor. Let's be honest here time parameter on these things only prolong useless small talk. People are not doing the real stuff to get to know someone, but if that is your style of doing things then more power to you. It's not mine. If a person wants you they want you and will show it. People that want to drag out things usually want to have some level of control in the dynamic of the relationship.

[kodakgirl]

Great relationships can definitely come out of friendships, but in my observation it doesn't happen as a self-aware, mutual agreement of "let's be friends now and have a relationship later." There's a mitigating factor-- they both like each other and have a spark but a) both are too shy to express romantic interest in each other, b) they feel it would be awkward/inappropriate to date, ie, if they are co-workers or roommates, c) one or the other is in a relationship or just out of a break-up, and/or d) there is distance. But they are drawn to each other so make an effort to be genuine friends, and eventually circumstances change or are overcome, and then there is this great foundation of friendship plus a fire that's been burning for a while. But I don't think you can plan this. If you are both single, expressly interested, and free to date-- you date, you don't put it off. You can go slow and take your time getting to know each other before getting all romantic and couple-y but there is a big difference in getting to know each other with the aim of romance than with the aim of friendship, even if they might look superficially similar sometimes.

[Shepp]

Great relationships can definitely come out of friendships, but in my observation it doesn't happen as a self-aware, mutual agreement of "let's be friends now and have a relationship later." There's a mitigating factor-- they both like each other and have a spark but a) both are too shy to express romantic interest in each other, b) they feel it would be awkward/inappropriate to date, ie, if they are co-workers or roommates, c) one or the other is in a relationship or just out of a break-up, and/or d) there is distance. But they are drawn to each other so make an effort to be genuine friends, and eventually circumstances change or are overcome, and then there is this great foundation of friendship plus a fire that's been burning for a while. But I don't think you can plan this.

 

As someone in a realtionship that came from being just friend I couldnt say it better!

It works really well but it's not a scenario you can recreate with someone you just met! - that's more like dating just really really slowly!

[Keenly]

It does work but its hard to keep the friend part going for any length of time once you realize the mutual attraction.

[salparadise]

Great relationships can definitely come out of friendships, but in my observation it doesn't happen as a self-aware, mutual agreement of "let's be friends now and have a relationship later."

 

^^^Bingo.

 

I'm not interested in forming new platonic friendships with women in the hopes that it may someday become romantic. I'm looking for attraction and romance right out of gate. When I see a dating profile containing the phrase "friends first" my first thought is, what a shame that this woman is delusional. She's not ready. Next.

[joystickd]

^^^Bingo.

 

I'm not interested in forming new platonic friendships with women in the hopes that it may someday become romantic. I'm looking for attraction and romance right out of gate. When I see a dating profile containing the phrase "friends first" my first thought is, what a shame that this woman is delusional. She's not ready. Next.

Usually these women are looking for orbiters. Men that hang around to boost their ego.

[hotpotato]

I avoid friends first like the plague.

I have run into a lot of problems trying to be friends or friendly with men. Nowadays its either we are dating or not, no grey areas.

 

Some girls have orbiters, some of whom they are attracted to. This probably works to some degree for them. What you are doing there is choosing suitors not friends. There is a difference!

[PinkInTheLimo]

^^^Bingo.

 

I'm not interested in forming new platonic friendships with women in the hopes that it may someday become romantic. I'm looking for attraction and romance right out of gate. When I see a dating profile containing the phrase "friends first" my first thought is, what a shame that this woman is delusional. She's not ready. Next.

 

If a dating profile contains the phrase "friends first" it does not mean that the woman in question is not looking for a romantic relationship. She most probably wants to indicate that she wants to get to know a man before engaging in more romantic behaviour. I think that this is a sensible approach seen how flaky guys are. I mean, a guy who is immediately very romantic in his behaviour can be dating several women at the same time, or disappear from the surface of the earth after 3 months. Most women have had such experiences and are more careful now.

 

It sounds like your attitude is one of "if you don't give me romance immediately all the time I spent with you is wasted." This is a very selfish and opportunistic attitude. Everyone has their own timeline and every contact has its own dynamic. By dismissing all the women who put "friends first" in their profile you most probably dismiss some women who could be a good partner for you. A woman does not have to give you anything for you spending time with her. She is after all spending her time with you.

 

In general I think that in a relationship there has to be friendship and there has to be attraction. A strong attraction is not sufficient to make the relationship last. Only friendship but no attraction results in a brother-sister relationship.

[napy666]

I know my cousin knew her husband for 10 years 5 of those we're being together as a couple when they were married. So I guess it does work?

[verhrzn]

For me, no. If I'm attracted to a guy, I want to date him right off the bat. That's what dating is for....to get to know the person. If I don't date a guy I'm attracted to pretty much right off the bat, I start losing attraction for him. If it seems like we're just going to be friends, I make it a point to lose attraction. I don't want to be one of those lame folks who is head over heels for a friend when they don't feel the same way.

 

What is so wrong with just, ya know, dating a person? What is the point of making them your friend first, just to then attempt a Back Door Gambit into dating?

[PinkInTheLimo]

What is so wrong with just, ya know, dating a person? What is the point of making them your friend first, just to then attempt a Back Door Gambit into dating?

 

Maybe a very basic question, but what exactly is dating? It sounds as if it is immediately behaving as if you are in love or a couple but how on earth can you do that if you don't know each other?

 

I think I still approach things the way I did back in the eighties. If I meet a guy, the first date tells me whether I can ever be attracted physically to that person. Certain physical traits simply don't do it for me and then I will not meet this person again.

If I want to meet the man again it is because I think that there is enough common ground and potential for physical attraction (this does not mean that I am already attracted the guy, I just think it could happen somewhere down the line). The next meetings will serve to get to know him. And getting to know him will happen as friends. I am not going to engage in any romantic behaviour like kissing or holding hands because at that point there is no way I will be feeling anything since I don't know the guy.

 

At any point where I will notice a dealbreaker, something which tells me that there is no way I could ever have a happy life together with that guy, I will break off the contact (and tell him why).

 

People seem to be in such a hurry these days and are oh so afraid to waste their time. If I meet men it is with the goal of a longterm relationhip. I'm not going to decide on this after a couple of dates.

[PinkInTheLimo]

My view on life is that in order to get something good you have to work for it. If every time you invest time and energy in something that does not work out, you see it as a waste of your time and energy then you won't achieve much in life.

 

I don't see the time I waste with a guy as lost time if it does not lead to the serious relationship I am longing for, as long as the guy has not been lying.

[MissBee]

Does starting off as friends first really work when you want it to develop it into a relationship long term?

 

Many relationships started off with the couple being friends first, usually in some kind of organic setting.

 

I'm not sure if you're talking about naturally being friends and overtime it becoming more or some kind of friendship pretense while hoping to be upgraded to more, the latter may not work, but many people have formed relationships which started off as platonic friends first, where there was always latent attraction that blossomed or attraction developed unexpectedly overtime.

[iiiii]

I think it can definitely happen naturally, but it's a bit strange to deliberately start a relationship that way.

 

Perhaps it depends on your definition of "friends". If I am friends with a guy, that means we are platonic - as in, I don't mind if he dates other girls, in fact I'd congratulate him on getting a date and want to hear how it went if he wanted to share. That seems like a weird category to put someone into at the start of a relationship?

[joystickd]

I see friends first just like I see making a man wait for sex. It's only a way to control the relationship dynamic. A person deludes themselves into thinking if I control this then they will be more invested in the relationship than I will and stay. When dealing with another person there will always be unknowns. The only way you could be sure of anything would be if you could listen to their every thought 24/7. Is it really worth it? If a person wants you they want you and they will show it.

 

Sometimes friends first can bite you in the a$$. It's just like the guy that wants sex and says come over to my place and we can watch a movie after dinner or some other non sexual thing. The woman can come over and expect that instead of sex. A person wanting friends first expecting it to evolve into a relationship may be in the same position as that guy and only get nothing but friendship. If you want something go after it. You only live once. Why waste time playing the power struggle? If it doesn't work out then it wasn't meant to happen.

[hotpotato]

I think it can definitely happen naturally, but it's a bit strange to deliberately start a relationship that way.

 

Perhaps it depends on your definition of "friends". If I am friends with a guy, that means we are platonic - as in, I don't mind if he dates other girls, in fact I'd congratulate him on getting a date and want to hear how it went if he wanted to share. That seems like a weird category to put someone into at the start of a relationship?

 

Right. Why is it so important to pretend to be friends?

I think its more palatable to call them friends to admit whats really going on?

[Disco Lemonade]

Does starting off as friends first really work when you want it to develop it into a relationship long term?

 

I have heard that you need to be friends first, but I think that idea gets confusing. I mean, you do basically need to be friends to have a real relationship. But you need the romantic aspect too. You can end up with an uncommited, fwb situation where neither person really knows/trusts how the other person feels. Or worse, maybe you feel that "special night" was something more than the other person does. Messy. I can understand wanting to take things slow. That is usually something that should be discussed early on.

[shet]

Trying to start a dating relationship off in some kind of probationary "friends" period first, obviously no.

 

Developing a dating/romantic relationship out of an existing friendship, happens all the time. Most of my friends did it that way who are now married.