Under the Bus and Back Again......

[inappfriendly]

Yes and yes.

I was completely and totally thrown under the bus. He told her I came on to him and did all of the pursuing. Apparently he had no choice but to drop his pants for me! He contacted me after DDay so I was privy to all of the horrifying details of their R. Hysterical bonding and all. All while he knew (and didn't really care) that my M was falling apart. She detests me, as well she should, but he certainly made sure he took as little of the blame as possible for the A.

 

 

He was starved for attention. During our relationship, I gave him an ungodly amount of love, affection, and validation. After DDay, his W fought hard for him. I originally assumed her constant need to talk for hours about the A in conjunction with him not being to leave her side (she even started working from home...he is a stay home dad) was obnoxious to him but it is becoming painfully clear that all along he was just begging for her to acknowledge and pay attention to him.

 

 

Guess HE got what he wanted. The whole thing is just a hot dysfunctional mess. Mickey, I know the feeling of wanting him to contact you. Even after he tossed my heart into oncoming traffic and went back to his life without a backwards glance, I am still not over him. Sad times...

[Mickey1982]

Yes and yes.

I was completely and totally thrown under the bus. He told her I came on to him and did all of the pursuing. Apparently he had no choice but to drop his pants for me! He contacted me after DDay so I was privy to all of the horrifying details of their R. Hysterical bonding and all. All while he knew (and didn't really care) that my M was falling apart. She detests me, as well she should, but he certainly made sure he took as little of the blame as possible for the A.

 

 

He was starved for attention. During our relationship, I gave him an ungodly amount of love, affection, and validation. After DDay, his W fought hard for him. I originally assumed her constant need to talk for hours about the A in conjunction with him not being to leave her side (she even started working from home...he is a stay home dad) was obnoxious to him but it is becoming painfully clear that all along he was just begging for her to acknowledge and pay attention to him.

 

 

Guess HE got what he wanted. The whole thing is just a hot dysfunctional mess. Mickey, I know the feeling of wanting him to contact you. Even after he tossed my heart into oncoming traffic and went back to his life without a backwards glance, I am still not over him. Sad times...

 

 

Inapp---that is exactly what my situation was so it helps to hear your story again. I can't tell you what it means when you hear that you are not alone in these incredibly painful experiences.

 

My exMM was starved for love as well. He told me over and over how cold and unaffectionate his wife was. Their realtionship had become like a brother/sister living arrangement and their life had transformed into this situation over many years.

 

After d-day, he did a 180 with his feelings for her (claimed to have zero 'real love' for her before) and she did as well. Their marriage now became 'better than it ever was.' She was petrified that he was going to leave her so I know she was 'ALL OVER HIM' with love, attention and hysterical bonding. He craved this for so long from her and of course he claimed to me that no one could or would ever be able to love him again as I had. I'm not sure how change happens overnight for another person, but I got the impression from him that she was just eager to move past the pain of the affair quickly and forgive him just as long as he did not leave her or his family.

 

My therapist tells me that this 'showering of love' WILL eventually wear off and she will revert to the person she once was as that is her inherant nature. It almost doesn't matter anymore beacuse I don't think he will ever be back anyway. And, even if he does ever contact me, I know like others have said, it will never be the same. He hurt me a lot after d-day with his actions and more so with his words.

 

But, I agree, the sad part is that my heart is not even close to have mended from him nor do I think it ever will. It's crazy how we suffer and I see him as getting what he finally wanted from her-- this so called resurrected love. When he left, he took a piece of me that can't ever be replaced.

[Poppy's sister]

no he didnt...

 

but now ...well things are difficult and i am having a really bad day so doubts and insecurities a plenty..

[chelsea2011]

Your heart will mend and that piece you think he took from you is still with you. It's just wounded and healing right now. There will come a day when the relatonship you had with him is simply a part of your past and a learning experience that helped you grow. I know it is impossible to see it at the moment, but you will one day.

 

Regarding his 180, well, it was easy for him because he handled the discord in his marriage in an unhealthy way. He chose to involve a third person instead of facing the issues with his wife head on. It wasn't fair to either of you and it speaks more about him than you. If they don't deal with their issues through counseling there will be a repeat performance in the future. Hopefully you will be over him by then so you aren't at risk of being pulled back in.

[Popsicle]

Yes and yes.

I was completely and totally thrown under the bus. He told her I came on to him and did all of the pursuing. Apparently he had no choice but to drop his pants for me! He contacted me after DDay so I was privy to all of the horrifying details of their R. Hysterical bonding and all. All while he knew (and didn't really care) that my M was falling apart. She detests me, as well she should, but he certainly made sure he took as little of the blame as possible for the A.

 

What's really amazing to me is that the BS's buy this line.

 

But I guess they feel the exact same way about us OW buying all the lines MM tell us about their horrible wife and M.

[Mickey1982]

Your heart will mend and that piece you think he took from you is still with you. It's just wounded and healing right now. There will come a day when the relatonship you had with him is simply a part of your past and a learning experience that helped you grow. I know it is impossible to see it at the moment, but you will one day.

 

Regarding his 180, well, it was easy for him because he handled the discord in his marriage in an unhealthy way. He chose to involve a third person instead of facing the issues with his wife head on. It wasn't fair to either of you and it speaks more about him than you. If they don't deal with their issues through counseling there will be a repeat performance in the future. Hopefully you will be over him by then so you aren't at risk of being pulled back in.

 

 

Chelsea, you are correct. It is IMPOSSIBLE to see right now how I will ever heal from this. I know you are right and it will happen, just not a reality at this time.

[Poppy's sister]

mickey, i think you underestimate yourself...you have done 10 + weeks of n/c ( ok one small slip up)

It will become bearable with time

I dont know how long but it does happen

[Mickey1982]

mickey, i think you underestimate yourself...you have done 10 + weeks of n/c ( ok one small slip up)

It will become bearable with time

I dont know how long but it does happen

 

 

The hardest part for me right now (just like Waverly said) is the thought of never having him in my life in any capacity. We were first friends before we were lovers. He helped me thru some major life crisis's and he became my very best friend. It more that aspect of the realtionship that I find missing on a daily basis. We have not had physical contact in months but it is the emotional aspect that still is hard to imagine ever not having again. I miss that---a LOT!

[Poppy's sister]

as much as my situation is different in manner ways...i do understand. it must just feel awful.

My AP and I have huge restrictions on our relationship at the moment, worse then after d-day. And I miss the ease with which we communicated and the emotional intimacy that came with that. I am currently more guarded with my emotions....and occasionally it spills over into melt down ...he is dealing with all sorts of issues his end and withdraws from me...then has meltdown ....dont want to highjack with my mess...however i do know that missing the emotional bond and support is incredibly difficult...i am tyoing this , and desparately trying not to email or txt him to say " ahh....miss you so much...need you ..." blah blah....if tha tmakes sense

[FoolishOW]

While many BS don't care about motives for disclosing, it mattered to me.

 

I told her to put any end to her confusion as to why he was telling her he was unhappy and would probably divorce. Intentional or not, he was abusing the trust both of us had in him. She deserved a choice. She deserved the truth.

 

She was gracious to me. More than I deserved.

 

 

My best guess is that YOU approached her graciously as well, and that your genuine motive was readily obvious. There is typically a calm in your posts that leads me to feel this way, along with an authenticity that the BS most likely felt and trusted as well. (I know that seems like a difficult word to read, "trusted", under the circumstances, but it fits, oddly enough.)

 

 

I don't see, or "feel" that, in most discussions of disclosure, or an intent to disclose, but in this case I do. More often than not, there are several statements of resentment towards the MM, with a small blurb at the end about, "BS deserves to know". True motive doesn't really ring true for me in those cases.

[Cocochai]

Inapp---that is exactly what my situation was so it helps to hear your story again. I can't tell you what it means when you hear that you are not alone in these incredibly painful experiences.

 

My exMM was starved for love as well. He told me over and over how cold and unaffectionate his wife was. Their realtionship had become like a brother/sister living arrangement and their life had transformed into this situation over many years.

 

After d-day, he did a 180 with his feelings for her (claimed to have zero 'real love' for her before) and she did as well. Their marriage now became 'better than it ever was.' She was petrified that he was going to leave her so I know she was 'ALL OVER HIM' with love, attention and hysterical bonding. He craved this for so long from her and of course he claimed to me that no one could or would ever be able to love him again as I had. I'm not sure how change happens overnight for another person, but I got the impression from him that she was just eager to move past the pain of the affair quickly and forgive him just as long as he did not leave her or his family.

 

My therapist tells me that this 'showering of love' WILL eventually wear off and she will revert to the person she once was as that is her inherant nature. It almost doesn't matter anymore beacuse I don't think he will ever be back anyway. And, even if he does ever contact me, I know like others have said, it will never be the same. He hurt me a lot after d-day with his actions and more so with his words.

 

But, I agree, the sad part is that my heart is not even close to have mended from him nor do I think it ever will. It's crazy how we suffer and I see him as getting what he finally wanted from her-- this so called resurrected love. When he left, he took a piece of me that can't ever be replaced.

 

Mickey ur therapist is right... Love is not forced, it's a natural thing that happens, because you want to do it. If his BS is FORCED to shower him with attention all the time, it's only going to last for so long before she gets tired of it. Especially if they have kids.

 

 

If you have to FORCE someone to do right by you whether your the MW/MM or OW/OM... It's not going to work and you'll be back at square one.

 

 

Without counseling a zebra doesn't change its stripes over night. But I do Believe a person can change but... They have to want to.

 

We all know when we've had enough and deserve better. A lot of times people decide to just settle.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey ur therapist is right... Love is not forced, it's a natural thing that happens, because you want to do it. If his BS is FORCED to shower him with attention all the time, it's only going to last for so long before she gets tired of it. Especially if they have kids.

 

 

If you have to FORCE someone to do right by you whether your the MW/MM or OW/OM... It's not going to work and you'll be back at square one.

 

 

Without counseling a zebra doesn't change its stripes over night. But I do Believe a person can change but... They have to want to.

 

We all know when we've had enough and deserve better. A lot of times people decide to just settle.

 

I'm not sure if they are in counseling or not. I don't think they are but I I could be wrong. I know that had not considered it for at least the two weeks after d-day that we chatted. They were trying to work it out on their own and as he td me " it was better than it had ever been." If someone would have told me that he could have turned on me like he did at the end, I would have sworn in my life that it never could happen. He always said he could never imagine me not in his life......I wish I could see how he lied and be glad he's HER problem and not mine. It's just not that simple for me to toss my love out the window.

[Speakingofwhich]

I'm not sure if they are in counseling or not. I don't think they are but I I could be wrong. I know that had not considered it for at least the two weeks after d-day that we chatted. They were trying to work it out on their own and as he td me " it was better than it had ever been." If someone would have told me that he could have turned on me like he did at the end, I would have sworn in my life that it never could happen. He always said he could never imagine me not in his life......I wish I could see how he lied and be glad he's HER problem and not mine. It's just not that simple for me to toss my love out the window.

 

Well, Mickey, your MM is a part of a troubled R, that at some point, will probably revert to the condition it was in when you met him.

 

YOU on the other hand, have the opportunity to look forward to an R that'll be untainted by infidelity!

 

Right now you are in the healing phase, maybe the toughest part of your journey. And yet, the very worst is over for you.

[Mickey1982]

Well, Mickey, your MM is a part of a troubled R, that at some point, will probably revert to the condition it was in when you met him.

 

YOU on the other hand, have the opportunity to look forward to an R that'll be untainted by infidelity!

 

Right now you are in the healing phase, maybe the toughest part of your journey. And yet, the very worst is over for you.

 

 

You are right---the worst is over. Those first few weeks were unimaginably the most painful weeks of my life...I'd never want to revisit those feelings ever again. I am healing, but it is just taking so much longer than I ever imagined and the missing still consumes me at times. You just never think that one person could impact your life and your emotions so much to create the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

[Speakingofwhich]

You are right---the worst is over. Those first few weeks were unimaginably the most painful weeks of my life...I'd never want to revisit those feelings ever again. I am healing, but it is just taking so much longer than I ever imagined and the missing still consumes me at times. You just never think that one person could impact your life and your emotions so much to create the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

 

I know.

 

You have made and continue to make such progress!

[Hope Shimmers]

Mickey, I have been flung under the bus so many times and in so many ways I lost count. We had at least 2 D-days after which there was no contact for quite awhile afterward. He always... ALWAYS came back fishing. At first it was to re-start the A, but after time and MANY meltdowns and MANY years it was to get to a place where we could get the friendship back.

 

I have gone through hell emotionally - many people have said to me that I deserve it, and maybe I do. But I do know how you feel.

 

I think the other posters are correct in that this 'change' in your ex-MM's marriage is likely to be temporary. I know you don't see it this way but I'm glad he hasn't come crawling back to you (yet) because I think you need time to get strong enough not to get sucked back into an A that has no future for you and only has benefits for him. Hugs Mickey.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I have been flung under the bus so many times and in so many ways I lost count. We had at least 2 D-days after which there was no contact for quite awhile afterward. He always... ALWAYS came back fishing. At first it was to re-start the A, but after time and MANY meltdowns and MANY years it was to get to a place where we could get the friendship back.

 

I have gone through hell emotionally - many people have said to me that I deserve it, and maybe I do. But I do know how you feel.

 

I think the other posters are correct in that this 'change' in your ex-MM's marriage is likely to be temporary. I know you don't see it this way but I'm glad he hasn't come crawling back to you (yet) because I think you need time to get strong enough not to get sucked back into an A that has no future for you and only has benefits for him. Hugs Mickey.

 

THANK YOU, Hope.....thank you.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yep - completely thrown under the bus. The funny thing is I knew that would happen - my gut told me - I didn't listen because I trusted him - lol.

 

And honestly it isn't even that he chose to reconcile - that was fine. It was the total disregard for my family - my husband and my kids. The church absolutely surrounded him, I became the perpetrator (poor weak man), they (BS and xmom) divided our family more by purposely becoming bffs with an old family friend and our niece and nephew (both of which do not speak to any of us anymore, and for awhile that worked - some people perceived me as the more guilty one.

 

But after a few years of being pretty steadfast, that changed. When I didn't do what they thought I would do (ie chase him down, become a bunny boiler, etc), then the views of who he was and who I was completely changed. There are a few small people that still have the same concept of who I am, but only a handful. Most now see me as the stronger one and the one that held her head up and walked through it while he ran.

 

It took some time. I know this isn't always the way it is, but in my case I (and my family) certainly took the hit initially. But now, the tables have turned. He is looked at as a weak asshat. In the end it comes out in the wash.