Large percentage of cheaters do not leave marriages

[Spectre]

Okay, but nobody is "blowing off" someone being raped. That is not what is being said. I never said she deserved to be raped, there is never ever a scenario where someone does.

[janedoe67]

I never said it justified the actions. Merely that they are both F'ed up. It is true, nobody deserves to be raped. It is also true nobody deserves to be cheated on. These are BOTH horrible actions, but cheating can leave JUST as many scars as rape can, depending on the person. That is all I am saying. One action does not cancel out the other.

 

 

Then why the need to make the remark. it's like every time a cheater experiences pain, we have to make sure to qualify it by saying "well, they cheated," like they sort of deserve it.

 

I mean if an arrogant jerk gets hit by a bus, you're not gonna see me saying, "Well, he WAS an arrogant jerk."

[Spectre]

Then why the need to make the remark. it's like every time a cheater experiences pain, we have to make sure to qualify it by saying "well, they cheated," like they sort of deserve it.

 

I mean if an arrogant jerk gets hit by a bus, you're not gonna see me saying, "Well, he WAS an arrogant jerk."

 

Because we are on a forum about CHEATING.

[goodyblue]

Yes it is, I am talking emotional scars. Who are you to say it can't? That is mind boggling in itself. Are you the authority on emotional pain?

 

I'm not saying being cheated on doesn't hurt. I'm saying if you let it ruin your life, you need help. And it is NOT as bad as rape.

 

NOPE.

[Spectre]

I'm not saying being cheated on doesn't hurt. I'm saying if you let it ruin your life, you need help. And it is NOT as bad as rape.

 

NOPE.

 

And I am saying it can be just as bad. It's nice if you disagree, maybe you haven't seen the destruction cheating can cause, but okay.

[janedoe67]

And I am saying it can be just as bad. It's nice if you disagree, maybe you haven't seen the destruction cheating can cause, but okay.

 

And if YOU disagree, that's fine. Maybe YOU have not been climbed on top of by someone twice your size and forcibly raped.

 

Gosh, this whole pain competition thing reminds me of 2nd grade.

 

And what does it have to do with why cheaters don't leave. They don't leave because at that time in their lies they are elfish and cowardly. Some of them just know how to put a noble spin on it.

[goodyblue]

Because we are on a forum about CHEATING.

 

I mentioned that her husband shouldn't have raped her, you said 'she's no prize herself'. Which SAYS you JUSTIFY what he did because of what she did.

[BHsigh]

You said this:

 

but cheating can leave JUST as many scars as rape can,

 

 

And it's not true.

 

Whatever gets you to sleep at night.

 

But I disagree as well, an affair can change the outcome of someone's entire life, it caused an unbelievable amount of pain and it had been shown that it can cause PTSD.

[goodyblue]

Whatever gets you to sleep at night.

 

But I disagree as well, an affair can change the outcome of someone's entire life, it caused an unbelievable amount of pain and it had been shown that it can cause PTSD.

 

I sleep just fine. My life is good.

[Spectre]

I mentioned that her husband shouldn't have raped her, you said 'she's no prize herself'. Which SAYS you JUSTIFY what he did because of what she did.

 

No, I never said it justifies anything. Pointing out both are at fault doesn't equate to justification. Stop putting words in other peoples mouth.

[BHsigh]

I sleep just fine. My life is good.

 

Then maybe I should have an affair, because I sleep horribly, I'll trade you places and you can deal with being a BS.

[Spectre]

And if YOU disagree, that's fine. Maybe YOU have not been climbed on top of by someone twice your size and forcibly raped.

 

Gosh, this whole pain competition thing reminds me of 2nd grade.

 

And what does it have to do with why cheaters don't leave. They don't leave because at that time in their lies they are elfish and cowardly. Some of them just know how to put a noble spin on it.

 

That is the thing, there is no competition. This person came in saying "one is worse then the other!" which is just bull.

 

In case there is an issue, let me make it clear: rape is never justified. Cheating is never justified. Both can cause mass amounts of damage to people, period. One is not worse then the other, it really just depends.

 

So if the discussion turned into this direction because of my comment, then there, I have now clarified what I intended to express.

[janedoe67]

Here is the difference between foggy thinking and honesty, at least in one case.

 

During my initial A, my husband was not working full time, and so he had no benefits of his own. I had a good job with good family benefits. Also, because he was not working full time, there is no way he could have made it on his own. Our children were also a lot younger and I thought they needed both of us. i used all of that to "noble up" my reason for not leaving. Of course, none of that seemed to make me noble enough to make them reasons for NOT CHEATING, which just proves how disingenuous that "nobility" was. I actually almost convinced myself it was...I may throw up in my mouth....unselfish for staying in such a bad marriage for his benefit. Yes, I know. But of course, poor, sacrificial me deserved SOME happiness, so was it really SO bad if I trashed my fidelity by rolling around in someone else's fluids?

 

NOW, I see exactly what was going on. I was unhappy, and yes, understandably so. But I didn't want my little world to crumble and my little image to crumble, so I put on a face and cheated on the side. It was all about ME.

 

That is to me one hallmark of someone who gets it. When a WS or AP clings to the whole "WS as martyr" routine, I know they have zero clue.

[HermioneG]

I'm not saying being cheated on doesn't hurt. I'm saying if you let it ruin your life, you need help. And it is NOT as bad as rape.

 

NOPE.

 

You forgot to say "to me".

 

You do not get to make those determinations for other people.

 

You know, it's funny to me.

 

A pretty blatant OW, who blames the betrayed wife in her situation is irritated by the idea that these things, these affairs cause real and lasting damage to people. The above quote smacks of "get over it already", and that might be more offensive than anything else posted already.

 

To me.

 

( apologies for going a little far afield from the OP, but it seems to follow the direction the thread has followed)

[Hope Shimmers]

Here is the difference between foggy thinking and honesty, at least in one case.

 

During my initial A, my husband was not working full time, and so he had no benefits of his own. I had a good job with good family benefits. Also, because he was not working full time, there is no way he could have made it on his own. Our children were also a lot younger and I thought they needed both of us. i used all of that to "noble up" my reason for not leaving. Of course, none of that seemed to make me noble enough to make them reasons for NOT CHEATING, which just proves how disingenuous that "nobility" was. I actually almost convinced myself it was...I may throw up in my mouth....unselfish for staying in such a bad marriage for his benefit. Yes, I know. But of course, poor, sacrificial me deserved SOME happiness, so was it really SO bad if I trashed my fidelity by rolling around in someone else's fluids?

 

NOW, I see exactly what was going on. I was unhappy, and yes, understandably so. But I didn't want my little world to crumble and my little image to crumble, so I put on a face and cheated on the side. It was all about ME.

 

That is to me one hallmark of someone who gets it. When a WS or AP clings to the whole "WS as martyr" routine, I know they have zero clue.

 

This is a great post Jane.

 

Probably one of my biggest triggers is when someone tells me I shouldn't have been as upset or devastated as I was at the ending of my A. That kind of pain (whatever causes it - death, rape, being cheated on, being cast aside by the man you gave your heart to) is real, it is individual, and it is heartbreaking. There is nothing worse than going through something which is devastating to you personally and have someone else dismiss it or make light of it.

[Charlie Harper]

A lot of people cheat, and if my experience serves a lot of married women cheat and will never ever tell.

Of course they will not divorce, they will stay and have some adventures.

 

Tons of people come here with a lot of labels and trying to judge, based on past experiences of being lied to ro cheated.... if they knew how high the percentage is, maybe that would change some of their views.

 

bottom line is this a lot of people should never get married or have a family....

[Spectre]

A lot of people cheat, and if my experience serves a lot of married women cheat and will never ever tell.

Of course they will not divorce, they will stay and have some adventures.

 

Tons of people come here with a lot of labels and trying to judge, based on past experiences of being lied to ro cheated.... if they knew how high the percentage is, maybe that would change some of their views.

 

bottom line is this a lot of people should never get married or have a family....

 

I'm not exactly sure what you are trying to say. As in, I don't know if you were saying people should be harsh on cheaters or shouldn't be. There is one thing I need to point out though, I don't think the amount of people who do something bad matters. Just because a lot of people do something doesn't make it okay. If everyone decided to wake up tomorrow morning and punch the nearest baby in the face, would it be okay?

 

That is the thing, something being common place doesn't make it right or mean we should accept it. Yes, a lot of marriages do end in divorce and yes a lot of people do cheat and not tell. This just means we should work really hard on opening up the lines of communication between people. We need to try to change this behavior instead of trying to accept it. Every person deserves to share their life with their ideal partner. If their ideal partner is a faithful one then they deserve to know when that changes. It is that simple.

[peaksandvalleys]

Yeah, I've heard this before. "being cheated on is just as awful as (rape, murder, fill in the blank)". It's NOT.

 

Although for you it must be, you've been a member for nine years. Time to MOVE ON.

 

 

For you it might not be. For others it very well could be since perspective is individual.

[MissBee]

Most Cheating Spouses Won't Leave Their Marriages, And Here's Why

 

New Huffington Post article only reinforce what many of us already knew about cheaters. I do not like how this article makes it seem like cheating is just something most marriages have due to boredom. I'm a little bored in my marriage ho-hum I think I will have something on the side for a while. I find it funny that 69% of cheaters have no intention of leaving their marriages. The 69% statistic is what is funny to me. If people have no intention of leaving is the excitement worth risking a marriage? I know people are self entered but the risk reward in cheating seems silly. Cheaters eventually get caught, slip up and when they do it may not be up to them to decide whether or not their marriages will remain intact. If a person is lucky enough to have a reconciling spouse it takes years to rebuild the marriage. Maybe I'm too rational or analytical but cheating doesn't make much sense morally but even less for what a person gets out of it for themselves. I'm trying to wrap my mind around why cheat if you don't see the relationship going anywhere? It seems like it is only a self inflicted trap that leaves a lot of pain to others and regret from the cheater. The other women board will not like this study. Why does a person cheat if they know the outcome for both parties is likely not going to be positive or the relationship is one of self satisfaction?

 

People don't always make rational choices...in fact most times people don't, especially when you add feelings, emotions, lust into it. That's one reason why it's notoriously easier to give advice to others and think rationally when you are on the outside but when you're the one experiencing the feelings, all sense, what's rational etc. flies through the window and people resort to just how they feel or most commonly they speak as though no thinking is involved and something else takes over, i.e. "It just happened..." or "I don't know how it happened" or "One thing led to another and I didn't expect it..." and so on. Lots of cheating is couched in language like this.

 

Most people don't sit around a conference table with charts, graphs, statistics and talk through their choice to cheat and break down whether or not it makes sense or is a smart risk....they really don't. Most feel now, think later or they think about it and know rationally that it makes no sense or that they won't leave but the thought alone doesn't override the instant gratification...which is the perfect idea of what "fog" is to me. It's not like you are insane but clearly rational thought is not your guiding principle and only when caught and reality slaps you in the face do many cheaters' minds clear and they drop the affair and start thinking more rationally. Reminds me of being drunk or buzzed and having a great tipsy time but if something happens like you see the police or some crisis comes it snaps you out of your drunkenness soooo fast!

[carhill]

Large percentage of cheaters do not leave marriages

 

My anecdotal experience would support that, at least short-term and, while my infidelity was disclosed and no 'cheating' was involved, our outcome was perhaps outlier, as is normal for me in life, and we divorced and I was happy to do so once going through MC, even at substantial financial and emotional cost and without the prospect of continuing with the AP. I doubt that's common, hence my support of the title and recognition of the marriages I've been privy to regarding disclosed (to me) infidelity and reconciliation/divorce. Predominantly, so far, reconciliation has been prevalent, regardless of which spouse was unfaithful.

[Charlie Harper]

I'm not exactly sure what you are trying to say. As in, I don't know if you were saying people should be harsh on cheaters or shouldn't be. There is one thing I need to point out though, I don't think the amount of people who do something bad matters. Just because a lot of people do something doesn't make it okay. If everyone decided to wake up tomorrow morning and punch the nearest baby in the face, would it be okay?

 

Nobody wakes up thinking "hey lets punch a baby in the face", as the majority of people never wake up thinking "hey I am going to be unfaithful because its going to be swell". The point here is that every situation is different but deep down boils to 3 areas that should never be "taken" by one spouse :

 

Money

Decisions/power

SEX

 

Get into a struggle in any one of those areas and have them unresolved for some time and most probably you will end up divorcing or having an affair.

 

So its not as easy to label someone and say, "wow he lacks integrity so surely he /she must be a cheater" a lot of cheating boiled down to CHANCES and or opportunities... the right time, the wrong person...

yes if the majority are doing unfaithful things do not make it right, and WILL NEVER DO, but slandering people, labeling and thinking you will never do so, is as naive, as to think that a "fling" doesn't have consequences.

 

 

That is the thing, something being common place doesn't make it right or mean we should accept it. Yes, a lot of marriages do end in divorce and yes a lot of people do cheat and not tell. This just means we should work really hard on opening up the lines of communication between people. We need to try to change this behavior instead of trying to accept it. Every person deserves to share their life with their ideal partner. If their ideal partner is a faithful one then they deserve to know when that changes. It is that simple.

 

IN REAL LIFE ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE. Example, if when you marry the guy up front told you, "your wife will get sick and you will have to take care of her for 8 years, and end up broke because of the insurance and medical costs" I guess 9 out of 10 would bail, the point here is that not everyone is destined or SHOULD not get married... but society pressures ..and then we have infidelity left and right for a LOT of reasons , and some pretty understandable....

[PinkInTheLimo]

In hindsight I realise that my xMM was just looking for a bit of distraction. He knew that if I found out that would be the end of our relationship so he fed me whatever I wanted to hear. Thanks god I snooped which allowed me to see how schizophrenic he was. All while telling me how miserable his marriage was, he and his wife were doing all kind of things together, had friends over for dinner, organised holidays, etc...

Turned out he also had various As over the years, among them with a married woman. I think it is time I give this one a call, just to let her know that if you cheat, chances are someone will find out. I'm sure that if her husband would ever find out about this, that would be the end of their relationship.

Snooping gave me a unique insight into the sick nature of cheaters.

 

I did not let him get away with it. When I had enough I told his wife. Not because I hoped she would leave him, I knew she would not.

 

I think she should be grateful to his different mistresses because I think they kept him in his marriage and not to totally freak out.

 

In the end I think it bothers her a lot more that there is someone out there who knows the truth about her relationship rather than the fact that he cheated on her. But I'm pretty sure that this does not mean that she will tolerate more cheating. That's probably the main reason why he is very angry with me: his ugly truth has been revealed so it's game over for him now. His wife won't give him the freedom he once had.