Different Rules for Children in Blended Families

[ASG]

Oh, and if she didn't like what was for dinner, that's fine, their choice, they can not eat it; but they won't get anything ELSE until the next mealtime. Works wonders.

 

My parents were the same. Like my mom used to say, no child will starve if there's food on the table. What they don't eat now, they'll eat later.

And if we didn't eat lunch/dinner, we weren't allowed any snacks.

 

My mom changed that approach somewhat with my brother, at some point, because he literally would not eat. Not that he didn't like the food, he was just too lazy to eat anything at meal times. He would sit at the table, play with the food a bit, maybe have a few bites... and that was it.

It started to become a bit of a problem. So my mom started feeding him whatever he would eat. Donuts, marmelade cubes, whatever. It wasn't ideal, but he would eat that (and even then, not that much) because they were snacks... Sat down at a table for a proper meal, he would barely touch the food, even if it was donuts!!

It's not that he didn't like veggies... he was just a lazy eater and the doctor ended up saying it was better to feed him something, anything, than to have him malnourished.

 

But even though we were in the same house, I was VERY happy with my proper meals! And thought the things my brother ate were disgusting! Sure, I liked cookies and ate some every now and then, but was always much more of a savoury person anyway.

[RonaldS]

Well, the first thing you need to do as a parent is relax.

[turnera]

ASG, your story reminds me of my DD23's friend. Korean family, males get everything, well, the daughter was expected to do the housework, get straight As, help make meals, and of course sit and EAT the meals. Her younger brother? From the time he was about 10 to graduation, he lived in his bedroom attached to the game console. The girl had to bring him his food, whatever he wanted. I think I saw him 1 time in 5 years. Now, at 20, he couldn't cut it at university and is back home being doted on by his mom again. And eating whatever he wants.

[ASG]

ASG, your story reminds me of my DD23's friend. Korean family, males get everything, well, the daughter was expected to do the housework, get straight As, help make meals, and of course sit and EAT the meals. Her younger brother? From the time he was about 10 to graduation, he lived in his bedroom attached to the game console. The girl had to bring him his food, whatever he wanted. I think I saw him 1 time in 5 years. Now, at 20, he couldn't cut it at university and is back home being doted on by his mom again. And eating whatever he wants.

 

Our case wasn't really like that. My brother has always been a fussy eater. Even today, at 30, he will still not eat a full meal. He's skin and bones. And I was never made to do *any* housework.

My mom also bought treats for me. Cookies, which was what I liked. But I preferred actual FOOD! My brother was still made to sit and eat, but he never ate much, and since he was so skinny, my mom would let him eat the snacks.

 

And even though he wasn't a great student, he finished his degree and is now very successful professionally.

 

It wasn't a case of him doing all he wanted, but a case of my mom and my brother's doctor actually being worried about the amount of food he would eat and trying to increase calorie intake, even if via bad calories.

[UnderAttack2014]

Before you embark on children with your partner, you should feel at total ease to bring up the issues with him, the fact you came to the board instead as first port of call should be warning in itself, unless of course you have already discussed!

 

I prefer to treat all the children, step included the same, different rules for one and other causes animosity and some unfairness. Obviously that only works in your house you can't dictate what happens in the steps other house. But I have ground rules for this house and they all follow them and get reprimanded the same... It's no plain sailing though!

 

Speak to your partner! He's the only one who can give you an answer really we'd just be second guessing.

[RiverRunning]

OP, were these different parenting styles not something that you were exposed to prior to marriage...or, did you later change your mind about having kids, so they became more important?

 

You clearly have very strong opinions about parenting -- which isn't a bad thing, as I agree with what you have said. You seem to have a more...authoritarian approach to parenting; your husband has an authoritative one.

 

It is unlikely that those parenting styles are ever going to change: being that this prospective kid will belong to both of you, it's likely to stir conflict. Right now, while you're not keen on how he handles things, you respect your role as the step-parent...but that will clearly have to change with your own children.

 

I agree with others: having different rules for all of the children is a BAD idea. It is determined to cause sibling rivalries, fights and other problems, rather than bonding together as a family. It may make certain children feel that others are favored and given unfair advantages.

 

Now's the time to talk about it. Go over all kinds of scenarios in rearing your kids: punishments, etc.

 

I'd also recommend that both of you take a look at some parenting resources that are out there: kidshealth.org, healthychildren.org, the March of Dimes (sometimes), Ask Dr. Sears, etc., all have advice on appropriate punishments, handling food, etc.

[turnera]

You seem to have a more...authoritarian approach to parenting; your husband has an authoritative one.

And authoritative is THE preferred method. Rule a child by setting rules and expecting them to be followed and embraced, and you'll get a child who learns how to lie and steal to get what they want. Nearly every single time. I watched friends put bars on the windows to keep their daughter IN because they just couldn't understand why she wouldn't just do what they told her.

 

If you want them to understand about good eating choices, show them why and then trust them to make the right choices. Keep all 'fun' food out of the house and they will be just like those friends of my daughters and run to their friends' houses to scarf up their 'fun' food so you won't know.

 

Authoritative Parenting - What Is Authoritative Parenting

[jbelle6]

And authoritative is THE preferred method. Rule a child by setting rules and expecting them to be followed and embraced, and you'll get a child who learns how to lie and steal to get what they want. Nearly every single time. I watched friends put bars on the windows to keep their daughter IN because they just couldn't understand why she wouldn't just do what they told her.

 

If you want them to understand about good eating choices, show them why and then trust them to make the right choices. Keep all 'fun' food out of the house and they will be just like those friends of my daughters and run to their friends' houses to scarf up their 'fun' food so you won't know.

 

Authoritative Parenting - What Is Authoritative Parenting

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is so true. I allow my son some treats but he rarely asks for them since I taught him what the bad stuff does to our teeth and bodies in a way a little one his age would understand. He'll say he wants a snack and I'll ask what he'd like and he usually says "something healthy" lol. I still give him McD's every few weeks or so and some chocolate once a week or so. If they are eating fruits and veggies and protein with proper fat the rest of the time they are good I feel.