XMM contacted me

[movingon45]

If it is causing so much distress already and anxiety, leave it alone.

 

That is the ONE thing that's within your power. When you don't reply you control the situation for yourself and don't need to worry about what if he doesn't answer, what if he says it was a mistake etc.

 

He won't die because you didn't reply to his message. Trust me. Neither will you. It was just a text, not a handwritten letter sent with much forethought. He can be the one to worry about maybe you didn't get the text, maybe this, maybe that instead of you working yourself up over it. Been there, done that and usually the follow up is not at all that exciting, in fact it's often very disappointing.

 

You aren't totally over him, which is to be expected as it hasn't even been a year not even, but if you have declared he isn't the man for you and you're moving on, I don't see how it's helpful to start opening up communication. If you were healed and didn't care then it wouldn't be an issue, you wouldn't even be mulling it over. But the fact that you are says that you should keep NC. NC isn't ignoring someone for malicious reasons, it's closing those channels so you can move on and heal. Too many OW (and regular broken up singles) get one text message and go into a tailspin when the text changes nothing 9/10 times....breathe and let it go. If anything changes or it was that deep, trust me, he would reach out again or call or send an email or find another way of getting to you. As is, I'm sure he's still married and maybe missing you or curious or any of the other things you've also suggested and it will not be a situation at all any different than what you are trying to leave behind.

 

I truly admire and appreciate your wisdom, MissBee!

[I'mNotYours]

Update:

 

I haven't heard more from him, so I guess it's really over now. He didn't fight for me, he didn't try to convince me..he got a little upset and childish, but in the end he accepted. That should of course be a good thing, but I have to admit I'm just a little bit disappointed that he let me go so easily. And I still envy the W (she doesn't know about the A). It's silly

[Mickey1982]

Update:

 

I haven't heard more from him, so I guess it's really over now. He didn't fight for me, he didn't try to convince me..he got a little upset and childish, but in the end he accepted. That should of course be a good thing, but I have to admit I'm just a little bit disappointed that he let me go so easily. And I still envy the W (she doesn't know about the A). It's silly

 

That is the hardest part, I'mNotYours.....realizing just how easy they can let you go......

[txgrl]

It's not easy to let go but it's even more immoral and selfish to hold on .

[Mickey1982]

It's not easy to let go but it's even more immoral and selfish to hold on .

 

 

I have to disagree....it was VERY EASY for my exMM to let go. And, he was VERY SELFISH. If there is one word that I could use to describe him at the end, it would be selfish.

[Snipercatt]

Imnotyours, your feelings are totally understandable. The response you received might help you to have closure. Closure because you responded that you didn't want to be the OW and his response was to be peeved. That tells you that he didn't contact you out of deep concern for you, but to scratch some itch he had.

 

Time diminished your resolve to move forward, and now you know, even with all that time, nothing changed with him. As much as that hurts, put that together with the other things that you know about him that would make a R with him difficult, and use it in your momentum to move on. He had a mantrum because you Established the boundary of NC unless he is divorced, how selfish and childish of him!

 

And, fimally? " He doesn't know what he wants?" How insulting! That isn't confusion on his part, but him not choosing to leave his M! That is such a back-handed slap, in my opinion. I agree with you that it would be very difficult to be in R with someone who doesn't admit, and take responsibility, for their choices.

 

Feeling that you were in competition with his M, and his W, and that you lost is also very understandable. However, in reality, if your supposed opponent didn't know about the competiton, then it wasn't one. Also, you and your team mate (MM) were never on the same page, never fighting for the same thing. Actually, there was team MM, and then team Imnotyours, but never a joint team. If anything the tussle was between MM and you and not you and BW. It is difficult now for you to see that your loss was really a win, but in time you will appreciate that.

 

I'm sorry for your loss of hope. Vent and rant here when the need arises.

[I'mNotYours]

Thank you all

 

I just don't like to think badly of him. I got closure before he broke NC and it was fine with me. We said goodbye and he could be a nice memory and I would think I was very much in love with him, but there was no future for us. And now he returns and wants to meet up for sex, and it seems like all his feelings have disappeared. Is it just the way he really is? Was it really the man I fell in love with? It hurts to think of it that way :-(

[Snipercatt]

I think focusing on feelings, yours, or his, leads to confusion. Focusing on facts might make things clearer and you more resolute.

 

Facts:

 

You've chosen not to be the OW. He's married.

[I'mNotYours]

I think focusing on feelings, yours, or his, leads to confusion. Focusing on facts might make things clearer and you more resolute.

 

Facts:

 

You've chosen not to be the OW. He's married.

 

Good idea

[I'mNotYours]

As some of you know my XMM broke NC a week ago after almost 4 months. I was doing ok and was moving on, but of course thought of him from time to time. He had ended the A to work on his marriage. When he contacted me last week, he didn't really want anything..oh well, nothing else than meet up and have sex I said no and that I don't want to have contact unless he's single. And so it ended.

 

At first I was annoyed and disappointed, but also proud of myself, but today I have been thinking "we are never going to be together". I always kind of knew that, but since I'm in my early 30s and haven't been married (I'm single) and don't have children, I was fantasizing about me and him starting a family. Now I have to forget all about that. He's not the man who will wait for me at the alter. And we're not going to have kids.

 

Maybe someday he will get divorced and will contact me, but then I will be the plan B and not number 1. And that's not what I want. I don't want him just because he couldn't make it work with the W.

 

I guess it's the final closure

[Goodbye]

I'm glad you have closure, you seem to be doing well.

 

I do remember when I realized that I wouldn't be with exMM. It was a devastating moment. He'd confessed to lying to me about the status of his "divorce" (that there wasn't one.) I knew that even if he DID leave his wife and come to me, he'd ruined our chances of ever being together with the lies. It took a while for me to wrap my head around it because we'd done so much planning for our futures together...he was so specific with all that he wanted with me, right down to where we'd live and what we'd name any kids. Talk about future faking. I think he actually believed it on some level...he was so good at compartmentalizing that when we were together, all of this was real to him, and of course it was very real to me. I've known that we would never be together for a year now, but I'm still healing.

[inappfriendly]

Ouch.It's a rational and realistic conclusion but still...

OUCH.

((Hugs))

[Striver]

As some of you know my XMM broke NC a week ago after almost 4 months. I was doing ok and was moving on, but of course thought of him from time to time. He had ended the A to work on his marriage. When he contacted me last week, he didn't really want anything..oh well, nothing else than meet up and have sex I said no and that I don't want to have contact unless he's single. And so it ended.

 

At first I was annoyed and disappointed, but also proud of myself, but today I have been thinking "we are never going to be together". I always kind of knew that, but since I'm in my early 30s and haven't been married (I'm single) and don't have children, I was fantasizing about me and him starting a family. Now I have to forget all about that. He's not the man who will wait for me at the alter. And we're not going to have kids.

 

Maybe someday he will get divorced and will contact me, but then I will be the plan B and not number 1. And that's not what I want. I don't want him just because he couldn't make it work with the W.

 

I guess it's the final closure

 

Sounds like you are taking very good care of yourself!

 

Long term, if marriage and children are your goal, it's perfectly alright to pursue that goal openly. Get on dating sites, pursue new activities where single men might be there, etc.

 

It's perfectly OK when you are dating anyone to make clear what your long term goals are. If they don't share those goals, then you and he will not work together. If you do share the goals, don't become desperate in the relationship itself and try to move too quickly, because even good candidates for spouses need time for their feelings to develop.

 

On your side of it, while things are still casual with other dating partners, it's okay to keep looking yourself until you've decided to be exclusive with someone. Take your search for a partner as seriously as you would looking for a new job or a new house. Too many people go with the flow in dating and that isn't always the best plan.

[dubliner]

As some of you know my XMM broke NC a week ago after almost 4 months. I was doing ok and was moving on, but of course thought of him from time to time. He had ended the A to work on his marriage. When he contacted me last week, he didn't really want anything..oh well, nothing else than meet up and have sex I said no and that I don't want to have contact unless he's single. And so it ended.

 

At first I was annoyed and disappointed, but also proud of myself, but today I have been thinking "we are never going to be together". I always kind of knew that, but since I'm in my early 30s and haven't been married (I'm single) and don't have children, I was fantasizing about me and him starting a family. Now I have to forget all about that. He's not the man who will wait for me at the alter. And we're not going to have kids.

 

Maybe someday he will get divorced and will contact me, but then I will be the plan B and not number 1. And that's not what I want. I don't want him just because he couldn't make it work with the W.

 

I guess it's the final closure

 

Indeed you should be proud of yourself, I'm glad you can see this as closure, make moves forward to finding a relationship that will be all that you want, with someone who wants the same with YOU.

 

I realised at Christmas last year that he was making the choice to have a future with his SO. it hit pretty hard to give up hope of all we'd spoken about and a part of me didn't want to believe it, big time denial...but over the past few months it's got easier to distance myself and let it go.

Like you, if he came to me now I wouldn't want to be with him, someone who could so cruelly play with another's heart so doesn't deserve to share my life.

Edited April 26, 2014 by dubliner

[I'mNotYours]

Thank you all

 

I'm not doing all that great today. I keep thinking "he doesn't want me". It has just ended. He's with his W, living his life, probably doing ok..his life hasn't changed. He hasn't lost anything. It's not fair and it hurts, because I'm just here..alone.

[EnderA]

Thank you all

 

I'm not doing all that great today. I keep thinking "he doesn't want me". It has just ended. He's with his W, living his life, probably doing ok..his life hasn't changed. He hasn't lost anything. It's not fair and it hurts, because I'm just here..alone.

 

Like the weakness of the body after a bad stomach bug; you do not feel it, but you are better and more healthy now than in your A.

 

Focus on one day, one step, at a time. And find a way to find yourself and your self-respect again.

 

You are worth more than this.

[I'mNotYours]

It's beginning to hurt now It hurts so much that he only reached out, because he wanted sex, and when I said no, he disappeared again. It hurts that he doesn't want me, that he claimed he was in love, but not enough to be with me for real. And his last texts were only about sex..nothing like they used in the beginning.

 

I wanted to believe we sad something special. That we were in love. I know I was, but now it's all gone, at least for him.

 

I try fo focus on myself. I try to think "do I really want him?", and a part of me know that our relationship wouldn't have been all that great. Maybe he would cheat on me. Maybe it would be hell livning with him and be with him everyday. I don't know. But the fact that he doesn't want me anymore just hurts.

 

And it hurts that this didn't work out either. I have never had a long term relationship and I'm scared it will never happen and I will never get married and have children. People say "you deserve so much more", but what if I don't? What if I'm just a sucky person who doesn't deserve more than being a OW and only get breadcrumbs. Because..if I was a good person I would probably have a healthy relationship by now, right?

[Devastated1969]

It's beginning to hurt now It hurts so much that he only reached out, because he wanted sex, and when I said no, he disappeared again. It hurts that he doesn't want me, that he claimed he was in love, but not enough to be with me for real. And his last texts were only about sex..nothing like they used in the beginning.

 

I wanted to believe we sad something special. That we were in love. I know I was, but now it's all gone, at least for him.

 

I try fo focus on myself. I try to think "do I really want him?", and a part of me know that our relationship wouldn't have been all that great. Maybe he would cheat on me. Maybe it would be hell livning with him and be with him everyday. I don't know. But the fact that he doesn't want me anymore just hurts.

 

And it hurts that this didn't work out either. I have never had a long term relationship and I'm scared it will never happen and I will never get married and have children. People say "you deserve so much more", but what if I don't? What if I'm just a sucky person who doesn't deserve more than being a OW and only get breadcrumbs. Because..if I was a good person I would probably have a healthy relationship by now, right?

 

INY, my heart goes out to you.. You have done so well and you totally deserve more. You sound like a lovely person who has been respectful of NC and just hurting from his reaching out in a selfish manner. You did the right thing and should be proud of yourself. I understand your pain and feel very similar but keep going, you can bounce back to the healing you were at before this break in NC.. (((((Hugs)))))

[I'mNotYours]

INY, my heart goes out to you.. You have done so well and you totally deserve more. You sound like a lovely person who has been respectful of NC and just hurting from his reaching out in a selfish manner. You did the right thing and should be proud of yourself. I understand your pain and feel very similar but keep going, you can bounce back to the healing you were at before this break in NC.. (((((Hugs)))))

 

Thank you

 

The NC makes it easier to forget him, but it's also hard that he's just gone.

 

I'm not sure I want him anymore, but the fact that we're not in love anymore is hard to accept. But ok, now I know how his wife is feeling..maybe it's just karma.

[Waverly]

It's beginning to hurt now It hurts so much that he only reached out, because he wanted sex, and when I said no, he disappeared again. It hurts that he doesn't want me, that he claimed he was in love, but not enough to be with me for real. And his last texts were only about sex..nothing like they used in the beginning.

 

I wanted to believe we sad something special. That we were in love. I know I was, but now it's all gone, at least for him.

 

I try fo focus on myself. I try to think "do I really want him?", and a part of me know that our relationship wouldn't have been all that great. Maybe he would cheat on me. Maybe it would be hell livning with him and be with him everyday. I don't know. But the fact that he doesn't want me anymore just hurts.

 

And it hurts that this didn't work out either. I have never had a long term relationship and I'm scared it will never happen and I will never get married and have children. People say "you deserve so much more", but what if I don't? What if I'm just a sucky person who doesn't deserve more than being a OW and only get breadcrumbs. Because..if I was a good person I would probably have a healthy relationship by now, right?

 

You DO deserve more. Finding a good healthy relationship is, I'm convinced, just as much dumb luck as anything else. You sound like a kind, sensitive person. Don't take this situation to be a reflection of your self-worth. You deserve more than breadcrumbs.

[Yoko72]

Hi ImNotYours -

 

I stumbled on your posts and I understand exactly what your going thru. My situation is a tad different. My relationship was more of an emotional affair rather then sexual. We met two years ago. We were both single and after some casual dating he met someone else. I continued seeing him and two weeks ago after snooping on his instagram found out he and his gf moved in together. I always knew things would eventually end between us. As a regular stalker of his IG page I literary saw this relationship grow. When I confronted him he told me that he cared for me but loved his girlfriend. He tried to be kind but I feel like he was only being kind bc he was scared that I would expose him....sigh. I asked all the questions you did...how can he truly love her when he was cheating with me? Was there ever a time he considered leaving her for me. He would text me 3-4x a week. We work near each and had lots of lunches/coffee breaks together. We rarely had sex but talked about it often. Its tacky I know but many of our texts were highly sexual.

I know i'm in a better place and that the only person my AP will ever truly love is himself. BUT...I still struggle with jealousy.

She has the life with him that I want. I'm 41 and may never have kids. The thought that she's still young enough to give him a child kills me. Its so hard doing the right thing.

 

Do you still envy your xMM's wife? How did you move on? I don't want to dredge up hard feelings for you but I'm struggling with this everyday.