Would you date someone who has knowingly been the other man/woman?

[Radu]

I know we have had threads asking if someone would date a past cheater...but what about dating someone whos helped someone cheat in the past by being the other man/woman? I cant remember if Ive made this thread before...so lets talk now.

 

Personally I see that behavior to be almost just as bad as the person in the relationship. Its still very selfish to knowingly sleep with someone whos got a mate or try to steal that person away. I feel that one's behavior in any sort of cheating situation lends to their beliefs regarding fidelity as a whole. I couldnt really believe that a woman whos selfishly been the other woman could hold honesty and fidelity in enough high regard so that she wouldnt lie or cheat to me.

 

Ive always felt respect for relationships was something that cant be a pick and choose type thing. Like I dont buy the idea of disrespecting someone elses relationship, but then being trustworthy enough to respect your own. Either you respect love and fidelity or you dont. And if someone is into picking and choosing which relationships get respect...than that selfishness isnt something that makes them a quality mate for me.

 

While there is a small chance I could overlook a girl being the other woman if it was well in the past and she showed a good bit of regret...it would have to be in situations where one time things got out of hand and she quickly ended it. An ongoing affair would just give me no ability to trust such a person.

 

I know no one is perfect...but I my desire for honesty and my being cheated on at the young age of 18, instilled within me a low tolerance for infidelity.

 

In my view they are almost as bad as the cheater itself.

 

I can see it happening in one of two situations :

- they are genuinely remorseful, and have learned from this [and not just saying it either]

- they might think we are dating, but it's only sex on my end ... or FWB kind of situation [and i would be very paranoid about protection]

 

Otherwise no, and i would definitely avoid a past cheater.

[veggirl]

It would depend how long ago it was, what the reasoning behind it was and so on. People who get involved with married partners are either naive with low self-esteem or simply looking for sex imo. No one with a healthy dose of self respect would settle for being someone's secret side piece. I wouldn't date someone who'd done that and not DEEPLY explored why / dealt with those issues. I would be worried about their lack of self respect & boundaries. I'd be very worried if they rug-swept and said anything like "it just happened".

 

I think overall I'd be very turned off and not interested, unless it was many, many years ago (but I'm only 30 so tbh if they were over like, 21, that'd be too recent for me I think...) and the personal issues that led to choosing a married partner were dealt with.

[Under The Radar]

I used to look at such issues as purely black and white many years ago ...... much like Kaylan does now.

 

 

I thought anyone who cheated was morally vapid, untrustworthy for life, and generally a "bad" person.

 

 

My mother cheated on my father; my first long term girlfriend cheated on me. It hurt on an inexplicable level and further cemented my philosophy (at that time) of "good" people versus "bad" people. I promised myself I'd never cheat or be cheated on in my entire life.

 

 

Ending up an OM, as a young adult, threw me for a loop. We were friends for some time before that line was crossed; I never anticipated it. She was 23 years older than me and provided a much needed love I'd never experienced from my own mother.

 

 

I was single at the time; technically not a cheater ...... though I supported a cheater in being deceitful ...... something I am not proud of nor willing to do again.

 

 

The relationship hurt me on a great many levels. When it ended I spent years in therapy to understand how I ended up in this situation and was I a "bad" person. I was obsessed ...... still ...... with this idea of "good" and "bad" people. Pre-affair I put myself confidently in the "good" person category. Afterwards I dwelled on how "bad" of a human being I'd become.

 

 

It took me many years coming to terms with my actions ...... which hurt myself and others. The funny thing is that I was so loyal to the MW; never once straying from her in that time. Opportunities were there to be with women my own age, but I never betrayed her ...... I felt as if I'd be cheating on her!

 

 

I look at people as a combination of good and bad. We are all capable of doing great things and evil things. Knowing this now, and stepping down from my high horse, allows me to be more aware. More aware of myself, others, and the world around me. That awareness is the best defense against hurting other people ...... including myself. The world is far more gray to me now than ever before. Black and whites certainly exist, but self righteousness, unforgiveness, and arrogance are a slippery

slope for most people. Those traits, to me, would be red flags along the same lines as any precious cheater could be.

 

 

Though I unequivocally believe that cheating is wrong, and wouldn't do it, I don't condemn people for their past ...... especially if they have grown and taken ownership.

[Under The Radar]

I wanted to add that over the years I've shared my past, in detail, with a great many people. In more cases than not I was accepted ...... and some of these individuals are incredibly judgmental.

[Under The Radar]

Edit: It should say "previous" cheater, not "precious" cheater in the last sentence of the 2nd to last paragraph of post # 58.

[Leigh 87]

I think it is all about the risk you are willing to take and the values you have.

 

If you have never been the OW/OM then it is perfectly reasonably to expect a partner who has also not been involved with a person that was married.

When I was 16, the first guy I fooled around with had a girlfriend. She was super nice. I KNEW he had her, but I was dying to fool around for the first time and didn't care enough about her feelings at the time.

As soon as we did it, I emailed her and told her that her bf had cheated on her with me and my friend (yes we both fooled around with him SEPERATELY, at the movies. We took turns. LOL. )

I felt awful and had to tell the girl. We ended up being friends. I NEVER did it again to this day and I never will.

 

Now I would never cheat or get involved with a guy who had a partner NOW. But the fact I did it when I was 16 may very well be a deal breaker.

I do think it is stupid to assume a woman who knowingly fools around with another girls man, will do it at age 27 (my age) JUST because they did it when they were 16.

Still though, men have a right to discard me based on what I did when I was a teen. I would think " well they are missing out on a loyal, devoted girl, as devoted as a woman who has never done as I once did as a teenager"

I would still accept it though, their preferences are their own right and not something I should try to control or ridicule.....

People discard people due to crap they have done in their past. Plain and simple. It doesn't mean they think we are bad people; sometimes they might well think we are crappy though.

 

I have not had a problem finding sexually conservative guys who wanted a relationship with me in spite of my past. With over 20 guys I have bedded, threesomes and the like.

I have learnt to just let this go. I can totally understand why women don't fully disclose their sexual history. On one hand, a man could fall head over heels in love with a woman who WAS the OW. He could have a happy, fairy tale life.

 

He could go on to have the most wonderful relationship with a woman who was the OW, when he would have actually opted to not date her HAD he known at the time that she was an OW...

 

 

 

Who looses out in this case? If the girl had a conscience, wouldn't they feel lousy for tricking him into a relationship?

 

Perhaps it is no big deal. If the guy is over the moon about her. That is all that matters right?

[janedoe67]

I agree with the OP in that it makes perfect sense to try and find a partner that has the same moral viewpoint as yourself.

 

I completely agree.

 

So what if, for most of their life, they HAVE had the same moral viewpoint, but they made some very bad choices for a period of time and forwhich they were truly remorseful? Are they frozen in that period as no longer ever having the same values again?

[Quiet Storm]

That's because it's not presented as "logic", it's just a simple fact. As someone else has already said, do you really think a quality, "innocent" woman who's worth being with will even stand for these little questions? OF course not, because she has a lot of other men to pick from. The only women you'll end up with will be the cheaters who are lying to you.

 

Really, I think you're spending too much time on this forum. You're running around saying "I won't stand for this or that", chances are you've already dated women with those issues and not even realised it. If a woman is, in fact, going to cheat on you, there are far more reliable indicators in their current behaviour than you'll ever get from asking questions about their past. In fact, if I were a female and dating you, I'd probably be more likely to cheat on someone who *was* asking those questions, simply because I'd be pissed at all the questions.

 

Maybe he would have dodged a bullet.

 

I would never cheat because I am not a cheater.

 

Someone asking me questions would never prompt me to cheat. My integrity isn't contingent on other people being good or fair to me.

 

My character remains consistent, whether or not someone deserves my loyalty.

 

So keep asking your questions Kaylan. If I was single, I'd never exclude a good guy just because he was interested in my past. If a girl dumps you for wanting to know about her...think of it like, that's her loss, not yours.

 

Sure people can lie, but that in no way means that you should be less discerning. When you are looking for a lifelong companion, possible mother of your kids, it absolutely benefits you to make sure you are compatible. If more people did this, there would be less divorces, and less people staying married in order to buffer the kids from their spouses issues.

[Leigh 87]

I completely agree.

 

So what if, for most of their life, they HAVE had the same moral viewpoint, but they made some very bad choices for a period of time and forwhich they were truly remorseful? Are they frozen in that period as no longer ever having the same values again?

 

 

Welp, I would never kiss a woman again the thought disgusts me and I was never once into it for the 5 seconds I did fool around with women.

I would never fool around with a man who was married or had a girlfriend.

I would never sleep with a man outside a relationship as I have tried it and realised I hated it.

 

So what if a guy judges me for my past though? I know I am not frozen in time as a 16 year old who slept around, kissed girls and, you know, cheated on guys and willingly fooled around with TAKEN guys......

 

The fact a man doesn't believe you have changed means willy nilly if YOU know you have changed.

[notserene]

I might if the cheating relationship happened when they were very young (young to me is under 25, I am in my 40's) and didn't involve boundary crossing such as being the AP in a marriage or long term committed relationship.

 

I think everyone is narcissistic to a degree when they are in their teens and early 20s.

 

I do think that people can change and reform, but I think that they have to be introspective and really look at why they did these things, and figure out what they are going to do to make things better. If they were a person who took pride in being able to "steal" someone I would run in the other direction.

 

I am a BS so you can take that for what it is worth.

[kaylan]

It isn't poor. You only know what people will tell you. You're so busy setting all these little psychological tests, that even innocent people with high self-esteem aren't going to stand for it. They're just going to walk away.

let them walk.

 

And let me repeat...just because people can lie or omit the truth, does not mean I shouldnt be very selective about the type of gf I want when I decide to be in a relationship again.

So that leaves you with the people with low self esteem, who bend over backwards to please you. Who word-vomit their life story. Who let you look at their phone and read their emails. And you end up holding your history over them like the sword of Damocles. "I was hurt in the past, you better not hurt me!"

Um no, itll hopefully leave me with a girl who naturally just talks to me about her life as if its no big deal. Thats how I am. It should be natural. No need to be scared and hide things from one another. Im a genuine guy with nothing to hide, and I look for the same in a long term lover.

We all get hurt in dating, multiple times. For the most part, people don't mean to. Look, I would say without a doubt, given your posting history, that your strategy isn't working. You cannot psych someone into telling you their history just so you get the satisfaction of dumping them first, because I can promise you, the true quality women don't fall for these games. We walk, irrespective of whether we're as pure as the driven snow.

Lolol, we both have very different definitions of quality, Im sure. So Im not really concerned about how you view my dating life. My strategy has kept me out of trouble in recent years. And Im sure itll serve me well when Im ready to commit to someone again.

[Quiet Storm]

I completely agree.

 

So what if, for most of their life, they HAVE had the same moral viewpoint, but they made some very bad choices for a period of time and forwhich they were truly remorseful? Are they frozen in that period as no longer ever having the same values again?

 

 

No, you aren't frozen in that period and can certainly evolve and change.

 

But if someone doesn't want to date you because of those choices, it is their right. You may not feel that those choices are relevant. But other people might.

 

We all make mistakes. We can mature and improve ourselves, but we can't erase our past choices. There are consequences, just like if you went on a crazy spending binge five years ago and ruined your credit.

[kaylan]

First quote truncated for size.

.....Apparently he was still sleeping with his ex-wife, was also cheating with a married woman at work, and was having 3-somes (MFM) with a guy at work and his wife ( !! ).....

 

I told him that it was over and handed him his coat. He cried all the harder and said that he never would have done it if he knew it would have meant losing me (?)......

I literally said "lol what?" when I read the bold. Wow. How the hell didnt he figure his behavior would cause you to leave?

That's because it's not presented as "logic", it's just a simple fact. As someone else has already said, do you really think a quality, "innocent" woman who's worth being with will even stand for these little questions? OF course not, because she has a lot of other men to pick from. The only women you'll end up with will be the cheaters who are lying to you.

A lot of assumptions. You assume that because people lie, its not worth someones effort to find the kind of mate they want. Then you go on to assume that honesty and transparency are too much for people. These "little questions" are something a lot of people are comfortable with.

 

Just look at the responses and "likes" in this thread. Clearly Im not alone in my views...which means its possible I can find a likeminded woman to date. Just because YOU assume its futile, does NOT make it so. Give it up buddy, youre wasting your keystrokes.

Really, I think you're spending too much time on this forum. You're running around saying "I won't stand for this or that", chances are you've already dated women with those issues and not even realised it. If a woman is, in fact, going to cheat on you, there are far more reliable indicators in their current behaviour than you'll ever get from asking questions about their past. In fact, if I were a female and dating you, I'd probably be more likely to cheat on someone who *was* asking those questions, simply because I'd be pissed at all the questions.

Worry about youre own time. You could just not reply homeboy.

 

Yeah, in the past Ive compromised on what Ive really wanted out of a woman, and Ive learned its better and more beneficial not to do that. So please stop with your assumptions about who I have and havent dated.

 

And yes, while present indicators can detect cheating...past is a good thing to look at when selecting a mate. Our pasts make us who we are today....so lets not get into the tired ole "the past is the past" tripe. Thank ya very much. And trust me, Id never date a female with your views. Id pick up your attitudes on this kinda stuff easy.

 

You think I outright have these kinda convos with dating prospects? Trust me its very covert and natural. And trust me, I dont rush thing...I really take my time before a woman can win me over to commit.

No, it isn't. Clearly you've not read any of my posts, preferring to simply rant about what you'd prefer to believe I said. What I actually said was you need something more reliable to assess whether or not people meet your standards than asking them about their past, because you won't weed anybody out that way. Seriously, do you really expect woman who *has* cheated on someone to tell you that? What Planet do you live on?

Past is pretty reliable for me. Its part of what makes a person who they are today. I assess the past and present. Just give it up buddy. Everyone has their own standards and vetting process for potential partners. Move on.

 

And actually, plenty of people are honest about cheating. Ive had women tell me and then say theyve changed. Or I found out during our flirty friends stage before anything had a chance to happen between us. Thats a good thing about starting as friends...I feel you get to know someone in a way that their guard isnt so up.

 

What Planet do you live on where you assume everyone lies about important relationship information? Let a girl go ahead and lie to me...because I will make her look like a fool for it later.

Again, you don't know that. You're basing that on a few lines of text on a screen. Dude, you need to get away from this forum and learn how the world really works.

And YOU DONT KNOW IF SHE ISNT HONEST. Dont you see the hypocrisy of your posts? You cant say anything for certain yourself...so how the hell can you have the audacity to tell me that I should change my standards and process for finding relationship suitable women? How can you tell me that the way I find a lover is wrong when you cannot say anything certain of women yourself?

 

How about you realize youre simply trying to supplant your standards over mine and that its stupid to do so.

Edited April 18, 2014 by kaylan

[janedoe67]

No, you aren't frozen in that period and can certainly evolve and change.

 

But if someone doesn't want to date you because of those choices, it is their right. You may not feel that those choices are relevant. But other people might.

 

We all make mistakes. We can mature and improve ourselves, but we can't erase our past choices. There are consequences, just like if you went on a crazy spending binge five years ago and ruined your credit.

 

I completely agree with this. This makes sense to me.

 

It's the whole universal eternal trash assumption that gets me.

[MissBee]

People live and learn.

 

Having been the OW before when I was younger and having no plans to be in that position again, I can attest to that. It is not a mark that lasts forever or necessarily a sign of an indelible character flaw.

 

For me, what I look at with anyone and their past is where are they today? What have they learned? How do they talk and think about it now? That's what I care about. Any man asking me about that situation would be able to tell that I am leaps and bounds away from it, that it isn't some lifestyle choice that I am flippant about and it would be pretty clear that it was something I learned from and have no plans of doing today.

 

That's the criteria I use to judge someone's fitness. How much time has elapsed also makes a difference. For me, the affair relationship (he also wasn't married technically) was 3 relationships ago and several years out. For example, it hasn't come up with my current boyfriend. The exes that come up for both of us are our most recent exes not exes many times removed. However, it is no big secret and should it come up I would tell him and I'm sure he'd be fine as hearing my opinions, how I think about it etc would make my character clear. If it was my last relationship it would be more pressing likewise if my current bf was an OM most recently I would be more iffy, simply because enough time might not have passed for it to be removed and to truly grow from it. But as we discuss our views on fidelity and honesty I seek like-minded men and if he was an OM but expresses it as something he isn't proud of, understands himself and how and why he got there, and seems clear he has no intentions of going back I have no issues dating him. If however he expresses the view that it is no big deal, he did nothing wrong, affairs are A-okay and seems to spend more time justifying and coming up with a dissertation explaining it as an enlightened choice, as I sometimes see people do , I'd politely decline to date him as we would clearly be sharing opposing views, and more importantly given that he is flip about it or doesn't see it as necessarily to be avoided, there is no telling if he'd feel as flippant about cheating on me, so I'd pass him by.

Edited April 18, 2014 by MissBee

[CaseG]

I just got hooked on playing the guitar and Ukulele. I learned from The Music Garage SG | Private Guitar and Ukulele Lessons | Singapore , the teachers there are friendly and great.

[Under The Radar]

I completely agree with this. This makes sense to me.

 

It's the whole universal eternal trash assumption that gets me.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, it absolutely makes sense ...... I agree as well.

 

 

People have the right to know the facts, past or present, and make an informed decision based on what's best for them.

 

 

What's NOT ok is deliberately shaming, or abusing people, based on poor past choices ...... especially if the offending individual has suffered, matured, and ultimately repented.

 

 

If I am honest and kind with you ...... which shows respect ...... have the decency to return that respect ...... even if it means walking away from each other forever.

[cocorico]

But seeing as you were the OW in his first marriage and have been the OW in other marriages too then really it would have been very hypocritical of you not to date someone who has had an affair.

 

Please cite the source of your information. You seem to be making unsubstantiated claims.

[Furious]

I know we have had threads asking if someone would date a past cheater...but what about dating someone whos helped someone cheat in the past by being the other man/woman? I cant remember if Ive made this thread before...so lets talk now.

 

Personally I see that behavior to be almost just as bad as the person in the relationship. Its still very selfish to knowingly sleep with someone whos got a mate or try to steal that person away. I feel that one's behavior in any sort of cheating situation lends to their beliefs regarding fidelity as a whole. I couldnt really believe that a woman whos selfishly been the other woman could hold honesty and fidelity in enough high regard so that she wouldnt lie or cheat to me.

 

Ive always felt respect for relationships was something that cant be a pick and choose type thing. Like I dont buy the idea of disrespecting someone elses relationship, but then being trustworthy enough to respect your own. Either you respect love and fidelity or you dont. And if someone is into picking and choosing which relationships get respect...than that selfishness isnt something that makes them a quality mate for me.

 

While there is a small chance I could overlook a girl being the other woman if it was well in the past and she showed a good bit of regret...it would have to be in situations where one time things got out of hand and she quickly ended it. An ongoing affair would just give me no ability to trust such a person.

 

I know no one is perfect...but I my desire for honesty and my being cheated on at the young age of 18, instilled within me a low tolerance for infidelity.

 

 

First off...I was Betrayed spouse. Before coming to LS I would have 100% agreed with your assessment. I hate cheating...

 

The couple of years here and learning about infidelity has changed my views.

 

I never imagined when I first arrived in the infidelity forum that I could feel empathy for some current and former OW and former WS. These people were genuine and genuine in their effort to grow and learn from the poor choices they made.

 

Those that grow and learn and reach out to help others and encourage them to live authentically have my admiration and respect.

 

If I were single and met someone who was honest about their past and how they came full circle into being authentic I would definitely not hold their past against them.

 

Being cheated on does not make you a saint, and being a former cheater does not condemn you to being unworthy of love.

 

My advice to any single individual, is if someone you're interested in is transparent and open about their past, the good and bad, this is someone to not overlook.

Edited April 19, 2014 by Furious

[kaylan]

More power to you. I've never been able to have empathy for the other men or other women given the selfishness of their behavior. I would be more inclined to feel and emathety for the betrayed spouse.

 

Though I would admire someone for being honest and transparent about their past mistakes.

Edited April 19, 2014 by kaylan

[Raena]

First off...I was Betrayed spouse. Before coming to LS I would have 100% agreed with your assessment. I hate cheating...

 

The couple of years here and learning about infidelity has changed my views.

 

I never imagined when I first arrived in the infidelity forum that I could feel empathy for some current and former OW and former WS. These people were genuine and genuine in their effort to grow and learn from the poor choices they made.

 

Those that grow and learn and reach out to help others and encourage them to live authentically have my admiration and respect.

 

If I were single and met someone who was honest about their past and how they came full circle into being authentic I would definitely not hold their past against them.

 

Being cheated on does not make you a saint, and being a former cheater does not condemn you to being unworthy of love.

 

My advice to any single individual, is if someone you're interested in is transparent and open about their past, the good and bad, this is someone to not overlook.

 

More power to you. I've never been able to have empathy for the other men or other women given the selfishness of their behavior. I would be more inclined to feel and emathety for the betrayed spouse.

 

Though I would admire someone for being honest and transparent about their past mistakes.

 

The thing is...not every OW/OM's story is the same. Some of them are not selfish people and did not have any intention of hurting someone else. I say SOME, not all, not most, just SOME.

 

Me though, I don't trust anyone right now so I seriously doubt I'd continue dating someone who admitted they had either cheated or been involved in an affair situation. It's hypocritical of me because I have a past that isn't stellar either, but I'd rather be with someone who is strongly against it than someone who has made the same poor choices I've made. I want someone I can grow with and learn from, not get stuck in the same rut I've always been in. I know, I know... it is hypocritical and I'll never find it and it wouldn't be fair to that person if I did but that's where I'm at with it. I want to be with someone who shares my same viewpoint NOW... not the one that I had years ago when I screwed up.

[Furious]

More power to you. I've never been able to have empathy for the other men or other women given the selfishness of their behavior. I would be more inclined to feel and emathety for the betrayed spouse.

 

Though I would admire someone for being honest and transparent about their past mistakes.

 

 

I was that way too, I can totally see where you're coming from.

 

I still am firmly against cheating....and am vocal about it.

 

The weirdest thing that I learned in the past couple of years.

 

There are some former OW/OM who have grown and learned from their past who advise against cheating. Who, had family of origin issues, or had been used and vulnerable to predatory married men.

 

There are some former wayward spouses who have done a 180 and are very vocal about how wrong cheating is and own it.

 

Surprisingly, what I did discover and learn here was there is a significant percentage of former betrayed spouse who go on to become the OW/OM. This shocked me because I could not wrap my mind around this. I could not understand how someone could do to someone else what had been done to them. These folks, it seems are more about.... cheat with me, but not on me.

 

 

I admire, integrity, honesty, forthrightness, remorse, change, authenticity, more than just splitting people into this or that.

 

In this thread are former WS's and former OW whom I respect and admire. Who advocate honesty and integrity. These posters are valuable in advising and helping others grow and move away from infidelity and into a healthy and better life filled with authenticity.

 

I will always be against deceit and distance myself from those who practice it. But I will always welcome those who no longer wish to be a part of it and go on to live genuine and honest lives.

[kaylan]

Reana,

 

Im really not concerned if the intention wasnt to hurt someone. Once you make the decision to be the other person on an affair, you've made an informed decision to be selfish and invade someones relationship. I am just unable to have sympathy for pain someone in an affair might feel when theres someone on the other end of that relationship being betrayed. I understand that every situation is different, but we all have free will.

[Raena]

Reana,

 

Im really not concerned if the intention wasnt to hurt someone. Once you make the decision to be the other person on an affair, you've made an informed decision to be selfish and invade someones relationship. I am just unable to have sympathy for pain someone in an affair might feel when theres someone on the other end of that relationship being betrayed. I understand that every situation is different, but we all have free will.

 

I understand completely where you are coming from and I don't disagree with you... however... keep in mind that the "other person" isn't making that decision to "invade someone's relationship" all by their lonesome. The cheating spouse plays a HUGE role in this. It wouldn't happen at all if the WS didn't want it to happen. Most of the time, it happens simply because the WS wants it to happen. They lie, they manipulate, they say and do things that make the "other person" believe that they aren't doing anything wrong. It isn't ALL on the OW/OM... even if they know or suspect that the person is cheating to be with them, there are many WS out there that make it sound like it isn't what it really is. I'd just keep that in mind if you happen to meet someone who got sucked into being this "other person." There is a good chance that all they really were is gullible and naive and not the kind of person to deliberately try to ruin or invade someone else's relationship.

 

I must be crazy to say all this because I've been on the receiving end of being cheated on and I know how much it hurts. I know how easy it is to place the blame on the OW/OM. The fact of the matter is, the OW isn't always fully aware of what the real truth is. Are they foolish to believe the lies... yes. Do they often put blinders on... yes. Should they know better and not get involved?... yes. But that's easy to say until it happens to you.

 

It's just not cut and dry. I like to think in black and white too... good versus bad, wrong versus right. It's how I think... but I do think it's important to see the whole story from every angle, not just one sided. Still, I tend to pick one camp, plant my flag (as I was accused of in another thread) and go from there. I do feel that affairs are WRONG. You'll never convince me otherwise... but I'm starting to see that there is more to the story than just what I see from my "camp."

 

If I met some man that I really liked and then found out that he had been the "other man" in a relationship I'd want to know his whole story before I dismissed him as being incompatible with me. I'd want to know if he regrets it, if he sees the truth about the situation and if he feels like what he did was wrong. I'd want to know his story... and THEN I'd make the decision about whether he is the right person for me.

[ThatMan]

That's exactly what OW/OM™ so often do when they really haven't moved on in the slightest. They minimize their own active role in their affair by focusing on the obvious culpability of a wayward married spouse instead of reflecting on their own actions. There's simply no room for self-examination within this rhetoric. It quite frankly doesn't matter what the wayward spouse did or said. From of the point of view of an OW/OM, anything they've been told is irrelevant because they're free to pursue what is best for themselves. Should anyone discover they've been lied to, and that a new date is secretly married, then they can easily choose to move on immediately. Just because a wayward spouse wants an affair to happen doesn't mean that he can do or say anything to force it to happen. - That's called rape and not an affair.

 

You're not crazy Raena but I think you should take the time to consider what empowerment means to you. What you've said isn't entirely grounded in reality.

Edited April 19, 2014 by ThatMan