Do I tell her? [update]

[starryeyedsurprise]

So, realistically, both for your good, AND his - you really should end this for good, once and for all, and start again with a new, clean slate, right?

 

Yes, I have to start over again, clean state, no more bringing up the past, taking it slow and steady. I have to commit this to myself. I have to make a commitment to me that this behavior will stop. The only person I am going to destroy is me and continue to hurt him.

 

and realistically, what man wants or needs an ultimatum? He told me from the beginning of what he needs to do and what he will be capable of. I made the choice to continue. Not once did he say he wanted to end this. Not once did he say for me to go. The only thing he has asked me for is time, to sort himself out, be patient and just enjoy what we have.....and it doesn't take overnight to fix and change your life.

[eye of the storm]

Starry, TaraMaiden gives hard truths but they are the truth.

 

Im glad you are working on you. You might want to stay out of relationships until you get a better handle on your own issues. Its easier to work on you when you don't have a we to deal with.

 

Good luck

[starryeyedsurprise]

Starry, TaraMaiden gives hard truths but they are the truth.

 

Im glad you are working on you. You might want to stay out of relationships until you get a better handle on your own issues. Its easier to work on you when you don't have a we to deal with.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you....and yes I have a lot of me to work on. I am trying.

 

I should probably come on here when I am having one of my "episodes" so in a way you guys can talk me off the ledge that I create.

[eye of the storm]

Starry, give yourself props. You recognize you have issues. That is HUGE! You have decided to get help. That is AMAZING!

 

2 steps forward and 1 step back is still forward progress.

 

Forgive yourself for your screw-ups. learn from them. and keep moving forward.

 

You are doing great. Keep it up.

[starryeyedsurprise]

It's been a hard few days. I have kept busy, had dinner with friends a few nights, and took care of my son. I have decided to end it with him. I sent him a text and said this:

 

I have called you everyday since Monday, I know your busy, but there is time in the day to get in touch with a person. You said you wanted to fix us. You said we are getting closer but it's not happening again. You need to sort out your life and come find me if it's meant to be. There is too much dysfuntion here. Very toxic and to much push pull. I am deleting your numbers and I will not be able to contact you again.

 

I did it again, ended it with him. This time has to be for real. It just has to. I will eventually go crazy, and I have already lost myself with all this. He was never mine, and I don't think he could ever be. He has lied and cheated in the past. He lied to his ex while they were engaged and living together, what makes me the exception? Who is to say that if I did get him, he wouldn't do the same to me? On Sunday when we were together I heard him lying on the phone to his friend. He does this with everyone. He is a coward and sociopath. I feel so stupid for all my actions and everything I have done over the last year. How many chances can I give him? and yet he blames me for ending it every single time.

 

Either way, it's never going to work. If I have a "mental" problem well its up to me to fix me right now. That's all I can do.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Anger, betrayal, wanting revenge…I am beyond pissed off. The reality is that he used me. Used me for sex, money, ego boost, etc. He lied to me about their relationship for over a year, and guess what, they are still on. Just days after being intimate with him, him telling me there is nothing going on with them, all lies. She is parading around how she has a wonderful man in her life and never been happier. She has no clue about me, and our relationship that has been going on behind her back for over a year. I am pissed that I became the OW without even knowing!! I am pissed that he walks around without a care in the world.

 

 

What hurts the most is knowing he used me, that he treated me like a piece of trash. Where is the justice in all this? I could never imagine using someone, how can he live with himself? Everyone told me from the beginning that I was too good for him, but I was in “love” with him. Boy did I get a kick in the gut and a punch in the face, reality sure has a way of getting me back. I wonder what I did to deserve this?

 

 

 

Some of you don’t know that I was with my ex for 7 years, share a son, owned a business together, the whole 9….my ex took off and eloped to a stranger 5 weeks after we broke up. So this is 2 men in the last 1 and ½ years that have stepped on me and destroyed my spirit. How does one recover from this? I am in therapy and have a wonderful son, great friends and family, job, home, dog, looks, etc. How does one get over being used???? And how does one stop seeking revenge???

 

 

I have a lump in my throat, I am on the verge of a break.

[nais]

Anger, betrayal, wanting revenge…I am beyond pissed off. The reality is that he used me. Used me for sex, money, ego boost, etc. He lied to me about their relationship for over a year, and guess what, they are still on. Just days after being intimate with him, him telling me there is nothing going on with them, all lies. She is parading around how she has a wonderful man in her life and never been happier. She has no clue about me, and our relationship that has been going on behind her back for over a year. I am pissed that I became the OW without even knowing!! I am pissed that he walks around without a care in the world.

 

 

What hurts the most is knowing he used me, that he treated me like a piece of trash. Where is the justice in all this? I could never imagine using someone, how can he live with himself? Everyone told me from the beginning that I was too good for him, but I was in “love” with him. Boy did I get a kick in the gut and a punch in the face, reality sure has a way of getting me back. I wonder what I did to deserve this?

 

 

 

Some of you don’t know that I was with my ex for 7 years, share a son, owned a business together, the whole 9….my ex took off and eloped to a stranger 5 weeks after we broke up. So this is 2 men in the last 1 and ½ years that have stepped on me and destroyed my spirit. How does one recover from this? I am in therapy and have a wonderful son, great friends and family, job, home, dog, looks, etc. How does one get over being used???? And how does one stop seeking revenge???

 

 

I have a lump in my throat, I am on the verge of a break.

 

 

 

Sometimes you have to build from the Ashes... you need to rebuild you. If you are happy in the position your in then live it to the fullest. If not step away some how- will telling her help you? Do you want to be apart of that drama when it happens? Often the best revenge is watching others go through it all on their lonesome. He will be discovered...

[fellini]

Some of you don’t know that I was with my ex for 7 years, share a son, owned a business together, the whole 9….my ex took off and eloped to a stranger 5 weeks after we broke up. So this is 2 men in the last 1 and ½ years that have stepped on me and destroyed my spirit. How does one recover from this? I am in therapy and have a wonderful son, great friends and family, job, home, dog, looks, etc. How does one get over being used???? And how does one stop seeking revenge???

 

Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me.

 

People do not walk all over people who do not let them.

One gets over being used by not being used by others.

 

I see you have a wonderful son, great friends, family, a job you love, a home, a dog, great looks: But what you don't have is something INSIDE that you love: yourself.

 

Work on that and your troubles will disappear.

[QuakerOats]

Sometimes you have to build from the Ashes... you need to rebuild you. If you are happy in the position your in then live it to the fullest. If not step away some how- will telling her help you? Do you want to be apart of that drama when it happens? Often the best revenge is watching others go through it all on their lonesome. He will be discovered...

 

 

I agree with needing be rebuild. You say "he will be discovered." Will he though? I suspect many affairs fly enough under the radar that they go undiscovered.

[starryeyedsurprise]

I agree with needing be rebuild. You say "he will be discovered." Will he though? I suspect many affairs fly enough under the radar that they go undiscovered.

 

That's the golden question! Will she ever know the truth about him, or will he just simply get away with it. I want her to know so bad, but only for her own good, to give up on him because he is not what he portrays to her. He has cheated on her for over a year and already gotten away with it, while they were living together.

 

Perhaps she has some gut feeling, but he is sooooo good at lying and covering his tracks. He is a manipulator, in fact he admitted he manipulated his whole life, was taught at the age of 13 how to do it and kept at it. He has used woman to buy him things, clothes, pay the rent, pay the motorcycle and car payments. He has used women his whole life....and poor dumb me, believed him when he said he wanted to change and he is not that man anymore. Stupid me.

 

I have walked away from him.....but this pain, sadness, anger, depression, all the moods I have in a day are horrific.

[gettingstronger]

You sound like you have a lot to offer the right person. Remember that! You may want to stay away from relationships for a bit. You are really vulnerable right now. Find strength in you and remember you are a gift.

[Babolat]

I need advice….please help.

 

I haven’t posted in a few months. You can read my threads if you wish. Long story short though….I have been in a “relation****” with this man for over a year. When we first started dating, he told me about his “ex” and how they were still living under the same roof, sharing the bills until the lease ran out. He made it clear to me that they were done and she knew it. Not true at all, in fact, they have been playing the on and off game as well. I kept breaking it off with him, but I allowed him back each and every time. I take blame for this, I should have just walked away in the beginning. I did not go into it knowing I was the other woman, I found out after months and finding cold hard facts.

 

He came back into my life in January again, with promises of change, saying how happy he is that we are getting closer. We have been spending more time together and talking constantly. Going to visit his family, having dinners at my home with my son, etc. Realizing now that it was all future faking once again. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear, without any action behind it.

So the last few days he has been distant again, so I checked the ex’s facebook and there it was. He was out to dinner with her, and the caption read that she posted “ out with the love of my life”. I guess they are on again.

 

This has been going on for over a year. My question is do I contact her and tell her about me? I know I would want to know if my guy was with another woman. Funny thing is that I know of all the women in his life, but none of them know about me. It’s almost like I am a dirty little secret

 

Should I tell her?

 

Oh, I found out 6 months into our relation**** that they were engaged. They no longer live together, but they still have something going on. So he has been playing with us both. I am done with him, I have to this time. He has come back and begged more times that I can count. I deserve better than being triangulated, or even being someone’s option. I don’t even think I love him anymore. How could I after all the lies and cheating

Any pics and/or references to your relationship with him, on your FB page? If yes, maybe send her a link, then kick him to the curb.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Any pics and/or references to your relationship with him, on your FB page? If yes, maybe send her a link, then kick him to the curb.

 

No, I don't have anything on my FB, I rarely go on there. I will not start a war, because it will become a war.

 

Just a week ago, we were together, slept over, etc...and now she is professing how wonderful he is and how lucky she is to have him in her life. Well dear, good luck because he cheated on you for a year, and I bet there's more of us out there. I was just a stupid one that believed all the lies for a year.

Edited April 28, 2014 by starryeyedsurprise

[fellini]

No, I don't have anything on my FB, I rarely go on there. I will not start a war, because it will become a war.

 

Just a week ago, we were together, slept over, etc...and now she is professing how wonderful he is and how lucky she is to have him in her life. Well dear, good luck because he cheated on you for a year, and I bet there's more of us out there. I was just a stupid one that believed all the lies for a year.

 

Every post I read of yours says one thing, but at the same time says the exact opposite.

 

It does not sound like you are over HIM at all. It does not sound like you are not going to war, it sounds the opposite, that you are preparing yourself for war.

 

You need some cool off time, no question. Something is going to snap, and when it does, I suspect all hell is going to break lose and they will need a lot of precincts to put out the fire that ensues.

 

If he is as good as a liar as you say, I would keep that in mind. In 5 minutes you could find yourself painted as the rabbit boiler with a restraining order in your hands, if that is what he thinks he needs to do to protect his lies from whomever is willing to stick with him. And betrayed partners have been known to listen to their lovers over the absolute purity of evidence. Yours would not be the first to backfire and cause you more pain than pleasure at revenge. Why don't you just lay an anonymous message onto her: X has been cheating on you. You've been warned. Good luck with him!

 

I know you say you think you owe it to this girl to tell her, but guess what: you were not born on this earth to follow this guy around to denounce him for every relationship he gets in. And there will be many more like you, like her, in his life.

 

You have a life to live. Go live it and let him create his own hell on earth.

Edited April 28, 2014 by fellini

[starryeyedsurprise]

Every post I read of yours says one thing, but at the same time says the exact opposite.

 

It does not sound like you are over HIM at all. It does not sound like you are not going to war, it sounds the opposite, that you are preparing yourself for war.

 

You need some cool off time, no question. Something is going to snap, and when it does, I suspect all hell is going to break lose and they will need a lot of precincts to put out the fire that ensues.

 

If he is as good as a liar as you say, I would keep that in mind. In 5 minutes you could find yourself painted as the rabbit boiler with a restraining order in your hands, if that is what he thinks he needs to do to protect his lies from whomever is willing to stick with him. And betrayed partners have been known to listen to their lovers over the absolute purity of evidence. Yours would not be the first to backfire and cause you more pain than pleasure at revenge.

 

Of course I am not over him, this relationship has been off and on for over a year, and I am finally walking away. Starting today, I am walking away. I have no more energy to put towards him. I will not let her know anything as well, it's not my place to start anything.

 

I am simply venting. At least I am on here getting my frustrations out instead of contacting him. At least I am trying to take the steps in the right direction. Yes, I am pissed. Pissed that he probably used me this last month because I had his taxes taken care of for him. Makes sense why he stepped it up, constant calls, texts, hanging out, having dinners, sleepovers, etc. Makes sense that as soon as tax time was over, he vanished into thin air again.

 

Being used is not a good feeling at all....admitting that I was used is tough because that proves something is wrong with me.

[Goodbye]

Write letters of what you'd want to say to him and what you'd want his wife to know and then throw them out. Of course, I ended up telling my exMM's W because exMM was being persistant...but I don't know in your case. Putting your thoughts out there and ditching them can be relieving. Just stay away from him. Sick of these slippery married guys.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Write letters of what you'd want to say to him and what you'd want his wife to know and then throw them out. Of course, I ended up telling my exMM's W because exMM was being persistant...but I don't know in your case. Putting your thoughts out there and ditching them can be relieving. Just stay away from him. Sick of these slippery married guys.

 

I have been texting myself all the things I want to say to him. It's a reminder that I can look back on in case I ever get tempted again.

 

Things like....Who are you really?

 

A sick, sick bad guy...one that evokes drama everywhere you go....That about sums it up.

[The Like Fairy]

Of course I am not over him, this relationship has been off and on for over a year,

 

 

At least I am trying to take the steps in the right direction. Yes, I am pissed. Pissed that he probably used me this last month because I had his taxes taken care of for him.

Being used is not a good feeling at all....

 

 

 

 

admitting that I was used is tough because that proves something is wrong with me.

 

 

There is something wrong with everyone. Don't beat yourself up to much.

 

 

Might be a great time to do some reading, a few books I would recommend are -

 

 

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood (oldie but goodie)

 

 

Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie

[starryeyedsurprise]

Just an update. I have been NC for a week now. No calls, texts, internet stalking, nothing......I feel indifferent and numb, and worried of what's to come. I really haven't cried, if I start to I stop myself within seconds.

 

I quit smoking this past weekend, I have been smoking for 22 years, since I was 16, except when I quit for 2 years when I got pregnant.

 

I feel like these are huge milestones for me, a big change is happening. I think my relationship ran it's course naturally and there is nothing left to do about it....water under the bridge. I can't go back to that place, in fact I refuse to re-live the woulda, coulda, shoulda's anymore. It makes no sense and if I allow it to take over me, it will destroy me.

 

I don't worry about when or if he is going to contact me, and I know this because during our final conversation, we both apologized and I said if this was real and meant to be you will come find me in the future. He won't because the last year was not real. It was a fantasy that I created and lived in the fantasy. Now it's time to get my life back. I hope I can keep this strength up, God knows I have to stay strong and move on.

[EnderA]

Just an update. I have been NC for a week now. No calls, texts, internet stalking, nothing......I feel indifferent and numb, and worried of what's to come. I really haven't cried, if I start to I stop myself within seconds.

 

I quit smoking this past weekend, I have been smoking for 22 years, since I was 16, except when I quit for 2 years when I got pregnant.

 

I feel like these are huge milestones for me, a big change is happening. I think my relationship ran it's course naturally and there is nothing left to do about it....water under the bridge. I can't go back to that place, in fact I refuse to re-live the woulda, coulda, shoulda's anymore. It makes no sense and if I allow it to take over me, it will destroy me.

 

I don't worry about when or if he is going to contact me, and I know this because during our final conversation, we both apologized and I said if this was real and meant to be you will come find me in the future. He won't because the last year was not real. It was a fantasy that I created and lived in the fantasy. Now it's time to get my life back. I hope I can keep this strength up, God knows I have to stay strong and move on.

 

He will come find you when he is weak and needs his cake. Be ready for it.

[snappytomcat]

great job on quitting smoking,i smoked for 20 years quitting was one of the hardest things ive ever done.

good luck with everything,and continue to take care of number one(you)

[starryeyedsurprise]

He will come find you when he is weak and needs his cake. Be ready for it.

 

No, he won't come find me. I can 100% guarantee this. He has exhausted himself with me and I am no longer good supply for him and his needs.

[starryeyedsurprise]

great job on quitting smoking,i smoked for 20 years quitting was one of the hardest things ive ever done.

good luck with everything,and continue to take care of number one(you)

 

Thank you, it hasn't been that difficult yet. A bit moody but that's to be expected. I am happy to quit finally ;-)

[starryeyedsurprise]

Still not smoking. It has been almost a week since I quit. Quit 2 things that is....still NC with the ex and I am thrilled he has not reached out to me. I have been experiencing a wonderful week filled with happy times. No Drama, absolutely no drama and it feels good to feel this free.

 

I have deleted all his contact information, I have no way of getting a hold of him even if I wanted to. I have no idea where he lives either. Cutting it off, complete cold turkey, no regrets. I have to move on.

 

A funny thing is happening, I am being brought back to reality....of what it really was, the whole last year. I have no regrets, only experiences that I would never do over again.

 

Happy mother's day to all the moms out there...here is to a happy fun filled weekend ;-)

[snappytomcat]

Still not smoking. It has been almost a week since I quit. Quit 2 things that is....still NC with the ex and I am thrilled he has not reached out to me. I have been experiencing a wonderful week filled with happy times. No Drama, absolutely no drama and it feels good to feel this free.

 

I have deleted all his contact information, I have no way of getting a hold of him even if I wanted to. I have no idea where he lives either. Cutting it off, complete cold turkey, no regrets. I have to move on.

 

A funny thing is happening, I am being brought back to reality....of what it really was, the whole last year. I have no regrets, only experiences that I would never do over again.

 

Happy mother's day to all the moms out there...here is to a happy fun filled weekend ;-)

 

sounds like you are in a good place,keep up the great work

have a wonderful weekend,and happy mothers day to you as well