FredJones80 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I just really want to catch up because I miss him and I'm so sick of this silence. It's not like I will tell him that I miss him, and want him back. I don't see how a simple email can do any damage. It's really not like me to ignore people, and no contact has been the hardest thing I ever had to do I want us to be able to catch up and be "friendly" to each other again! and say he replies, then you reply and he replies and reply reply reply. Are you happy being his friend without thinking it is going to move more towards you getting back together? Are you happy hearing about his new relationship or how he just proposed to his new gf? If yes, then email.
Author Virgin26 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 and say he replies, then you reply and he replies and reply reply reply. Are you happy being his friend without thinking it is going to move more towards you getting back together? Are you happy hearing about his new relationship or how he just proposed to his new gf? If yes, then email. I thought about the same thing. I know he's not involved with anyone at the moment, but he will find someone new eventually of course. I thought I didn't want to be around to see that and went no contact. But now that I think about it, I didn't just lose a bf, I lost my best friends. I don't want such thoughts to get in the way of our friendship. We do like each other and enjoy each other's company. I know we're not going to be besties or anything like that. But we can be friendly to each other. I really hate this silence and all the crazy thoughts going through my head. At this point, I think it's better for me to maintain low contact than going extreme no contact!
FredJones80 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I thought about the same thing. I know he's not involved with anyone at the moment, but he will find someone new eventually of course. I thought I didn't want to be around to see that and went no contact. But now that I think about it, I didn't just lose a bf, I lost my best friends. I don't want such thoughts to get in the way of our friendship. We do like each other and enjoy each other's company. I know we're not going to be besties or anything like that. But we can be friendly to each other. I really hate this silence and all the crazy thoughts going through my head. At this point, I think it's better for me to maintain low contact than going extreme no contact! I understand your situation, my ex was my best friend too. Unfortunately I have to accept I lost not only my gf but also my best friend, I can't have one without the other Too painful for me. Good Luck!
Author Virgin26 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 I understand your situation, my ex was my best friend too. Unfortunately I have to accept I lost not only my gf but also my best friend, I can't have one without the other Too painful for me. Good Luck! It really sucks I thought it would get better by now, but it just didn't. Months of no contact just didn't do it for me. I guess it's a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. I don't do well with silence, and avoidance. I'm going to wait a bit on that email. But I think 90% of me wants to send it.
KaliLove Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I agree with Fred. I think your motivation is clear. You don't want to be friends, you want him back. Are you going to be ok when he meets someone else? Are you going to look for other people? Could you meet her? Are you going to be ok knowing they're having sex? Sleeping next to each other? Will you be ok knowing that he's probably calling her the same cutesy nicknames that he called you? I know I'm being harsh, but being friends with an ex is always messy. Always. These are all things you will have to face eventually if you're friends with him. Also, if you're in NC, how do you know he doesn't have a girlfriend? 2
Author Virgin26 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 I agree with Fred. I think your motivation is clear. You don't want to be friends, you want him back. Are you going to be ok when he meets someone else? Are you going to look for other people? Could you meet her? Are you going to be ok knowing they're having sex? Sleeping next to each other? Will you be ok knowing that he's probably calling her the same cutesy nicknames that he called you? I know I'm being harsh, but being friends with an ex is always messy. Always. These are all things you will have to face eventually if you're friends with him. Also, if you're in NC, how do you know he doesn't have a girlfriend? We have many friends in common and I hear about him all the time, even if I don't want to. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in months and it's killing me. Of course I mentioned that I don't want to hear about him, but he just pops up in conversations all the time. I also made things so hard for my friends because now they have to pick sides and hangout with either me or him separately. It's just messy and a lot of work for everybody! Rebuilding a friendship is going to be hard and I know I'll be a bit hurt to see him with someone else. But it would be so much better than what's happening now. I'm literally going crazy with thoughts, dreams, and mental conversations. Perhaps maintaining low contact will help a bit. And no, I'm not delusional, he's not coming back. So why not build our friendship back. we were friends for so many years, and losing that is torturing me more than losing him as a lover. I miss him so much and no contact is making me miss him even more
KaliLove Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I think you should go for it. Some people need to learn by putting their hands in the fire multiple times. I should know..I am one of them! It's going to hurt like hell but you'll always have LS. I'm not judging by the way. Like I said, I'm the same way. 1
Author Virgin26 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 I think you should go for it. Some people need to learn by putting their hands in the fire multiple times. I should know..I am one of them! It's going to hurt like hell but you'll always have LS. thanks a lot. Today is especially hard for some reason. I'm just sick of feeling this one. I know he'll reply immediately, be polite and courteous like he's always been. I don't know what the outcome of contact will be!
swfc_77 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 You would be a fool to get in touch, trust me. I am hurting like hell too, feels **** doesn't it, rejection. Trust me, you'll feel worse after about 20 minutes of you sending and email or text and you realise nothing is coming back, or better he replies then, as has been stated, what happens next? Iv done both, I broke NC with my first ex about 4 years ago, after being NC for 2/3 months, she even came back, great, she then left again after 2/3 months, I had to start again and go through it all again, trust me getting dumped once by someone hurts, getting dumped twice by the same person....... I laugh now, I didn't back then. Currently just gone through a bad breakup, my ex just upped and left for NZ, I didn't really get a say in much, just sat there and watched everybody make the decisions in front of me, I just got told by her that we were done and she was going, over the phone too which was nice of her, amazes me how some people are. I wouldn't contact her now, I am dying too at times but I won't give her the last thing I kept which was my dignity, I, like you are in a ****ty place, surrounded by her friends, they probably all tell her I'm depressed and can't move on via Facebook, mind, I don't think she really gives a ****, she had what she wanted from me, which was everything. Anyway, try and talk to a few people about it, I currently speak to my mother and my 2 x therapists/counsellors and people on here only about it, try not to talk about it to mutual friends. Don't give up, it could be worse
Author Virgin26 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 why is there an assumption that any contact with the ex will be just an ego boost for them and detrimental for the initiator? I don't know where such hypothesis came from. I had exes before, and while we're not best friends, we still exchange the occasional "how are you" emails. I haven't heard of no contact until my most recent breakup, which drove me to this forum. And while I appreciate and understand the logic behind it, I don't think it's universal solution to every breakup. In my case, I feel much worse than how I felt after the breakup. There wasn't any real progress to be honest.
Author Virgin26 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 Anyway, try and talk to a few people about it, I currently speak to my mother and my 2 x therapists/counsellors and people on here only about it, try not to talk about it to mutual friends. Don't give up, it could be worse Everyone around me got sick of hearing about it. This forum is literally the only place that I can actually say what I truly feel without being judged for "no moving on already"!! I'm sorry for what happened in your breakup. It know how much it hurts! 1
Simon Phoenix Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 why is there an assumption that any contact with the ex will be just an ego boost for them and detrimental for the initiator? I don't know where such hypothesis came from. I had exes before, and while we're not best friends, we still exchange the occasional "how are you" emails. I haven't heard of no contact until my most recent breakup, which drove me to this forum. And while I appreciate and understand the logic behind it, I don't think it's universal solution to every breakup. In my case, I feel much worse than how I felt after the breakup. There wasn't any real progress to be honest. Because 98% of the time that's exactly what happens. And 98% of the people who think that their situation is special, like you, realize it isn't after being drug through the mud repeatedly. But if you are ready to hear about him talking about other girls he wants to date and him just being your buddy instead of your lover, by all means do it. Odds are that it's going to go really badly though. You are doing so many mental gymnastics to try to convince yourself, and us, that your situation is completely unique. 3
swfc_77 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 If you text or email, your just giving bits of your dignity away. If you text and don't get a reply - it will hurt If he tells you to leave him alone - it will hurt If you talk and be civil, when the conversation ends - it will hurt If he says he's fine - it will hurt If he says he wants you back, don't you think he would have text you first? What are you hoping to achieve by having contact?
Author Virgin26 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 Because 98% of the time that's exactly what happens. And 98% of the people who think that their situation is special, like you, realize it isn't after being drug through the mud repeatedly. But if you are ready to hear about him talking about other girls he wants to date and him just being your buddy instead of your lover, by all means do it. Odds are that it's going to go really badly though. You are doing so many mental gymnastics to try to convince yourself, and us, that your situation is completely unique. I didn't say my situation is unique. I know that many people here are/were friends with their exes. My ex and I were friends for 7 years before dating, and that's not something I want to lose forever. I know what you mean and I know that my situation isn't that special or unique. But I also know that by now, I should be over him a little bit (after months of no contact), but I'm not. So I guess that puts me in a different situation than most people here. I haven't even reached the anger phase (yet?), and I don't think I'll be able to reach it I know it sounds like a bad idea to break no contact after so long. But I don't see any other solution to be honest. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, and I was our group of friend to be able to hangout like we used to!
Minneloa Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I am sorry you are hurting. Especially since you are so emotionally raw, please consider what the posters here are saying, because they have distance and perspective that you do not. As I see it, the fundamental problem with contacting your ex is that it will not bring him back and will only fuel your feelings of loss and hurt. Simply put, he cannot console you or provide you with comfort because he is the source of your pain. Friendship with your ex may sound appealing, but it's not really what you want, and it will only temporarily mask the harsh fact that he is gone from your life as a romantic partner. I know you feel that you haven't made much progress post-breakup, but it's a case of "no way out but through." Contacting your ex will probably give you an initial lift, but it is one of false hope and will inevitably be followed by a crash, potentially leaving you feeling worse than you do now. Why put yourself through that? 1
Author Virgin26 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 What are you hoping to achieve by having contact? I don't know! I just know that I feel like crap and have been feeling so horrible lately. I missed work for two days this week and I just lost desire to do anything. Honestly, I don't know what it will be like to contact him. I thought of reaching out casually and just check up on him... I don't know! I'm just tired of feeling this way.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I didn't say my situation is unique. I know that many people here are/were friends with their exes. My ex and I were friends for 7 years before dating, and that's not something I want to lose forever. I know what you mean and I know that my situation isn't that special or unique. But I also know that by now, I should be over him a little bit (after months of no contact), but I'm not. So I guess that puts me in a different situation than most people here. I haven't even reached the anger phase (yet?), and I don't think I'll be able to reach it I know it sounds like a bad idea to break no contact after so long. But I don't see any other solution to be honest. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, and I was our group of friend to be able to hangout like we used to! It doesn't put you in a different situation. What you are going through is normal. The light is darkest before the dawn. And most people that are friends with their exes have that happen way after the breakup. You need to be able to get past the romantic relationship before you have any shot at a friendly one. You aren't there. Your situation is not a unique snowflake. You are looking for the person who caused this situation (your ex) to be the solution to the situation. That's an extremely horrid idea. You need to do this yourself. 1
swfc_77 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Trust me, contacting him feels like a good thing, it might give you short term relief but in a few hours or days you will want it again and again and again. The only thing I can't help you with is the being friends with him before, I was never friends with my ex's before so I only know how to act like a boyfriend around them not just a friend. Do you think you could go back to acting just like a friend?
BC1980 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 If I understand this correctly, you are at the 3 month mark. That seems to be hard for a lot of people, myself included. Reality is setting in now, so your impulse is to contact him. It's denial. If you contact him now, you avoid having to go through the painful grief, and you start the process over. There a poster on here a few days ago that was contacting her ex every few months for the past 2 years. She couldn't understand why she wasn't over him. . . . after 2 years. Like Minneola said, the only way is through this. You can't go around it or keep repeating the cycle, which is what breaking NC will do. You will be in a constant holding pattern. You feel like sh*t. We get it. We've all been there. Deal with the feelings yourself. Contacting him is not dealing with your feelings of loss. Journaling, planning your future, going out with friends, working out, do anything else.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I say this a lot and others don't always agree, but... Use this time to work on your issues. Chances are that you have something(s) going on that needs to be addressed. Now is an awesome opportunity to grow and become a better version of you. Sounds cliche, but it's true!!!
me85 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I'm sorry. )= I know what you're going through and my heart goes out. So ya'll actually broke up or just took time apart? I'm puzzeled because you said he told you he needs his space but yet y'all haven't spoken in three months? If it wasn't an actual break up then why go NC? If that's the case I would reach out. Just a very short text. What...I don't know but I'm sure you will think of something not so desperate sounding. You definitely don't want to sound too desperate. Three months of NC is quite a while. You've done an extremely good job at giving him his space. Kudos! Ya, maybe the ball is technically in his court but hey, reaching out first isn't going to hurt anything. The longest I've ever been able to go without reaching out to my ex was three weeks. So you're like a super hero! lol Ease your mind. You sound like a very sweet girl and are sincerely just wanting to know how he is doing. So ask.
KaliLove Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Because 98% of the time that's exactly what happens. And 98% of the people who think that their situation is special, like you, realize it isn't after being drug through the mud repeatedly. But if you are ready to hear about him talking about other girls he wants to date and him just being your buddy instead of your lover, by all means do it. Odds are that it's going to go really badly though. You are doing so many mental gymnastics to try to convince yourself, and us, that your situation is completely unique. This is very true. Virgin, the reason I said to go for it is because, as I said, some people need to get burned more than once in order to learn their lesson. I don't think you will yield positive results from contacting him..not at all. I agree that you're definitely not ready to be friends, and that you're going to end up hurting even more than you are now. I just think you will obsess about it until you do it, so just do it. We'll be here afterwards.
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