Men-do you say what you mean?

[winterpast]

I'm an up-front kind of woman. I like to say what I mean without any head games. If I say something to my DH I try to make it as simple as possible so he can take it at face value. I really don't like playing games.

 

DH---- He likes to think there's some secret message behind everything. If I say "Do you mind taking out the trash" he interprets it as "you're a crappy person". He will say things like "so what you really mean is..." and come up with something I never said.

 

In recent conversation he was telling me about how stressed out he was with life... (work, us, not having time for hobbies). He mentioned that he thinks we both half-a$$ the relationship. I said "ok, what do I need to work on?" His response "I don't know". So I asked him if he felt like I wasn't meeting his needs but didn't know why and he said yes. He also said "I mean you're meeting my needs when I need to you to do something for me but not the other needs".

 

Anyways, I need a translator. I told him I am happy to address his concerns but I need more than a "I don't know".

[FrostBlaze]

Oh god, if only more people we're like you.

I also speak what i think, no game or hidden message.

I've had ex's question everything i said and get angry for no reason, because they thought i ment something else.

And that something else, always was a bad SOMETHING.

 

Sign of low self esteem i think.

 

Always told them, i am not responsible for what you understand.

 

As for your question, he isn't happy, and he does know.

He probably just doesn't want to say, either because he thinks it has no point or that he doesn't want to make it bad...?!?

If it's the latter, at least he still cares...oh and, it sounds like he want's you to initiate stuff. Do you only do stuff when he ask's you to or what...

I say you just try and get it out of him more clearly.

Edited April 16, 2014 by FrostBlaze

[joystickd]

Sometimes the emotional stuff is hard for men to talk about.

[Keenly]

I say what I mean. Unfortunately, Everything I say has a history of getting misconstrued by past girlfriends.

 

 

We'd point out attractive actors and actresses. Let me correct myself, SHE would point them out, because every time I said "wow, she is really pretty" some where between my lips and her ears it turned into "She is a lot prettier than you, I wish you were more like her."

 

 

One example of thousands, most of which involve nothing more than small talk. But I never have a hidden agenda or message behind the things that I say, unless I am insulting some one. I tend to insult people right to their face without them ever realizing it. That's only when I get mad though... Maybe 3 or 4 times in my life.

[winterpast]

...oh and, it sounds like he want's you to initiate stuff. Do you only do stuff when he ask's you to or what...

 

I take care of everything around here whether he asks me to or not.

 

The only time he asks me to do something for him is if he ran out of something and needs me to go get it because he's too busy.

[tbf]

It's not that your DH isn't saying what he means. It's that the two of you have different communication styles.

 

Your style is directive. His is by inference. He looks for underlying meaning and when communicating with you, assumes that you will pick up on underlying meaning.

[Keenly]

It's not that your DH isn't saying what he means. It's that the two of you have different communication styles.

 

Your style is directive. His is by inference. He looks for underlying meaning and when communicating with you, assumes that you will pick up on underlying meaning.

 

It's possible he is just applying the sum total of his life experience of interaction with women. I hate superlatives, but women tend to be a little more subtle and a little less direct with the things they try and present, so its possible he just has it locked into his mind that a woman can't help but slip a hidden meaning here or there.

[winterpast]

I say what I mean. Unfortunately, Everything I say has a history of getting misconstrued by past girlfriends.

 

 

We'd point out attractive actors and actresses. Let me correct myself, SHE would point them out, because every time I said "wow, she is really pretty" some where between my lips and her ears it turned into "She is a lot prettier than you, I wish you were more like her."

 

 

One example of thousands, most of which involve nothing more than small talk. But I never have a hidden agenda or message behind the things that I say, unless I am insulting some one. I tend to insult people right to their face without them ever realizing it. That's only when I get mad though... Maybe 3 or 4 times in my life.

 

 

Now that I think about it.... DH likes to consider himself a very cynical and sarcastic person. He always gets mad at me because I can't tell the difference between his sarcasm and when he's serious (he's very convincing). He also is very passive aggressive. I guess he thinks everyone is like that and interprets everything based on that.

[winterpast]

It's not that your DH isn't saying what he means. It's that the two of you have different communication styles.

 

Your style is directive. His is by inference. He looks for underlying meaning and when communicating with you, assumes that you will pick up on underlying meaning.

 

I can see this and it makes since... I just can't figure out why everything is "I don't know".

 

You tell me that you aren't happy but "don't know" what I need to work on.

 

You're not going to hurt my feelings, just friggin tell me!

[winterpast]

It's possible he is just applying the sum total of his life experience of interaction with women. I hate superlatives, but women tend to be a little more subtle and a little less direct with the things they try and present, so its possible he just has it locked into his mind that a woman can't help but slip a hidden meaning here or there.

 

He's admitted to projecting these behaviors onto me because it was how his mother was with him. He assumes I'm like her.

[tbf]

It's possible he is just applying the sum total of his life experience of interaction with women. I hate superlatives, but women tend to be a little more subtle and a little less direct with the things they try and present, so its possible he just has it locked into his mind that a woman can't help but slip a hidden meaning here or there.

Don't presume.

 

Know your prospects' communication styles - Paterson Business | Examiner.com

[Keenly]

He's admitted to projecting these behaviors onto me because it was how his mother was with him. He assumes I'm like her.

 

There you go. Can you really blame a man for the environment he was raised in?

 

Just keep reassuring him and its possible he will adapt. How long have you been married?

[winterpast]

There you go. Can you really blame a man for the environment he was raised in?

 

Just keep reassuring him and its possible he will adapt. How long have you been married?

 

Together 10 years, married 6 years.

 

This has been a problem for the past two years.

[tbf]

I can see this and it makes since... I just can't figure out why everything is "I don't know".

 

You tell me that you aren't happy but "don't know" what I need to work on.

 

You're not going to hurt my feelings, just friggin tell me!

In pushing someone who's a passive communicator, this will only end in frustration for both of you.

 

A passive communicator is usually someone who's been raised in an "unsafe" formative environment where they were usually overwhelmed by more aggressive or directive parents or siblings. So they learned that expressing themselves directly resulted in a negative consequence.

 

When you show anger or frustration towards him for his indirectness, this starts the cycle of passive-aggressiveness.

 

So, you're going to need to be less aggressive with him, providing him with some time and space to formulate his thoughts, creating a safe environment for him to speak his mind. The more he does it without negative consequences, the easier it will get for him.

 

This assumes that you've got sufficient patience to handle it.

[winterpast]

This also jumps out at me...

 

The Emotive

The emotive individual is classified as a highly dominant and highly sociable individual. When this individual goes to a party, they dominate the conversation with stories of their latest personal and professional conquests.

Unfortunately, this also means that they cannot separate professional and personal beliefs. This leads to them expressing strong opinions based on their own point of view to the point of becoming offensive.

 

 

 

 

 

He always needs to be the center of conversation with anyone he is talking to. I think we spend 2-3 hours a day talking about every detail of his job. And no, he never asks about me or our son, just work and then he's off to bed.

[Keenly]

Together 10 years, married 6 years.

 

This has been a problem for the past two years.

 

 

 

Oh wow...

 

I don't even know.

[winterpast]

In pushing someone who's a passive communicator, this will only end in frustration for both of you.

 

A passive communicator is usually someone who's been raised in an "unsafe" formative environment where they were usually overwhelmed by more aggressive or directive parents or siblings. So they learned that expressing themselves directly resulted in a negative consequence.

 

When you show anger or frustration towards him for his indirectness, this starts the cycle of passive-aggressiveness.

 

So, you're going to need to be less aggressive with him, providing him with some time and space to formulate his thoughts, creating a safe environment for him to speak his mind. The more he does it without negative consequences, the easier it will get for him.

 

This assumes that you've got sufficient patience to handle it.

 

No, I'm not getting frustrated with him. I explain to him that it's impossible for me to fix my side of the relationship if he won't tell me what I'm doing wrong. Otherwise, I tell him he can talk when he's ready. He gets offended that I'm not trying to 'nag' it out of him.

[tbf]

No, I'm not getting frustrated with him. I explain to him that it's impossible for me to fix my side of the relationship if he won't tell me what I'm doing wrong. Otherwise, I tell him he can talk when he's ready. He gets offended that I'm not trying to 'nag' it out of him.

Consider what I've posted. Instead of demanding responses from him, present the issue and give him time to formulate a response. Don't jump on him when he responds, perhaps telling him that you'll need to think about his response for awhile.

[winterpast]

Consider what I've posted. Instead of demanding responses from him, present the issue and give him time to formulate a response. Don't jump on him when he responds, perhaps telling him that you'll need to think about his response for awhile.

 

I will, Thank you.

[tbf]

I will, Thank you.

You're welcome and good luck.