Did I lose him already?

[acheybreakey]

I've been seeing this guy now for a few weeks, and things were going really great. Then all of a sudden, the invitations to go out started to wane, the cute texts stopped and he started to be busy. He still kisses me and hangs out with me and sends me nice messages, just not as much. I honestly don't know what I could have done to cause him to change this much.

We live in the same co-ed dormitory and his roommate (female) had been away visiting family for the first month of our relationship. Then we were spending almost every single night together just talking for hours in his room, etc. His roommate came back and then we stopped spending so much time together. He said he felt uncomfortable having me in the room when she was there because I guess it would mean that the relationship was official and he wasn't ready for that.

 

Whenever I ask him if he wants to do something like go for a long walk in the woods outside the dorm or go grab a beer in town, he says he is too tired or has to work. But so many of those times, I hear him just talking to his roommate for hours and hours (my room is next door and the sound carries really easy).

 

Last night, my roommate was away so I thought finally we could have some privacy. I said to him, I have a surprise for you... can we hang out tonight? He said he had an essay to work on but we could hang out for a little while. Then in the cafeteria, his roommate and another girl suggested going for a walk at night, and he said he could but only for a little while. I was kind of hurt that he was ditching me, but I didn't say anything. He invited me to go on the walk with them, but I said it was okay and I would stay in the dorm. I heard them come back three hours after they left... so much for having to work.

 

In the morning at breakfast, I went over to say hi to him, he was working on his computer on the essay he blew off. He wasn't really friendly but I thought it was because he was stressed finishing the essay. So I tried to coyly say, how come youre not so friendly this morning, huh? And he just responded with, "why don't we talk about this later when I've finished writing this?"

 

Now I'm super freaked out that he's going to tell me he's stopped caring. I don't understand why or what I could have done. I'm getting really freaked out about this talk that he wants to have, running through every possible thing he could want to say, and of course my mind is pretty much settled on him going to tell me that he no longer has an interest in me.

 

Any advice on how I should deal with this? What I should say during the talk? I want to have a relationship with this person or at the very least come out not looking like a needy/crazy person so that we can at least stay friendly since we live right next door to each other and see each other all the time.

[acrosstheuniverse]

From the sounds of it you're right to prepare yourself. I would honestly just respond with a 'well it's only been a few weeks so no big deal, I'm sure we will see each other around!' And leave it at that. Maybe he realised he wasn't ready for essentially living with this girl he's dating so fast, maybe he just lost the spark, maybe anything. That is irrelevant, all that matters is moving on with your dignity.

 

As a side note, I would never date a man who shared a bedroom permanently with a woman, what is with that!? Housemates is one thing and fine, sharing a bedroom and seeing each other for that many hours a day with no room to retreat to, changing around each other, etc that's just bizarre. And I'm not much of a jealous person!

[mammasita]

Female roomate? By choice?

 

Sounds suspiciously like you were a space filler while his "roomate" was out of town.

 

As a grown woman who's been there done that - I would NEVER be in a relationship with someone who has a female roomate. I get that some situations are different/difficult....whatever, especially in dorms.....but it just screams trouble IMO.

 

In any case, Unfortunately - I don't think he's stopped caring in so much as he never fully cared.

[atlg8r]

1. You only saw each other for a few weeks. It's not that big a deal.
   
2. Maybe the more you hung out, he realized you weren't "it" for him. That's the point of dating - to find out if someone is compatible with you and if you should continue.
   
3. I echo other posters. I would never date a man who shared a room with a female.
   

[acheybreakey]

Thanks everybody for your replies. Yeah, I know... I did not know that his roommate was female. He told me his roommate's name was Sam and that was literally the only mention he ever had of her while we were dating. When she came back, it was a surprise for me.

 

But I don't know, I don't think I was a replacement for the roommate. When we were together, he was talking about how he had never felt so comfortable with someone before in his life, how he couldn't wait to see our relationship develop, how he felt like he was falling in love with me, how he thought about me all day.

 

But now that she's back, it does seem like he hasn't had any time for me yet he has had loads of time for her. She's only been back for two weeks and he was away for a week and a half of that time for a project, so he's only really been here for about 5 days but it feels like so much has changed in those short five days. While he was away on the trip, he was emailing and texting me every day and not contacting the roommate. Or at least, when I asked her if she had heard from him while he was away she said she hadn't. She does know that we are 'together,' she has walked in on us lying in bed (fully clothed... nothing inappropriate) together. So that makes me feel like she doesnt have anything romantic with him, but I don't know, they seem incredibly close to me...

 

So I guess the consensus is pretty much that this is the it's over talk? I was trying to hold on hope that maybe we would resolve whatevers going on with him, but it seems more likely that he's just done with me. I guess all those sweet, passionate things he was saying to me before were just words, maybe there was no sentiment behind them to begin with.

[atlg8r]

Did you sleep with him? Maybe he was just trying to get some action. It doesn't sound good to me. Don't worry though. No sense wasting time on someone who doesn't return your affections.

[acheybreakey]

Yeah, you're right. There's no point caring about someone who doesn't. Of course, that's easier said than done. I can tell myself to stop caring about him because I know he doesn't care about me but that doesn't actually stop me from caring/hurting/etc. He really got my hopes up with all his sweet talking, it felt so real and sincere, but now I'm starting to realize I was foolish.

 

Also, yes, I did sleep with him but that was about a week into it and there were three more weeks after that where his behavior stayed the same before changing abruptly

[hoping2heal]

He said he felt uncomfortable having me in the room when she was there because I guess it would mean that the relationship was official and he wasn't ready for that.

 

 

This guy is so full of it. He had no trouble having you in that room until his female roomate came back. Now, that on its own might be up for speculation. But, the fact that the female returning ushered in such a drastic change in his behavior has put the writing all over the wall.

[acheybreakey]

Freaking psychotic update:

He told me would talk to me after lunch (around 1pm), so when I found him to see if we could talk, he asked if instead he could borrow my computer to send his essay because his battery died and he had left his charger in the library. I went away for a while to think things over and basically try not to freak out about this further delay, so I checked my phone, posted on here, talked to my sister, etc.

 

When I came back, he had left to use the bathroom I guess but I thought he had just left so I went onto my computer to start using it again. His gmail was still open and the email he was typing said this:

"now we have a problem with another one of the gringas here. She seems to think the world revolves around her and that all of the staff here should be giving her all of their attention all of the time. I think it must stem from a problem of not receiving enough attention when she was little. What's more, she seems to only be interested in teaching everyone how to do things, as if all we need is her fancy gringa knowledge and she has no interest in learning anything. Honestly, I think we need to start giving these people psychological tests before they come here"

 

So, some context, I work on a study abroad site in Mexico. Im in charge of coordinating student research and I'm the only non-Mexican on staff. Well, it's a big university, so I suppose there are other non-mexicans working here but as far as this program is concerned, I'm the only US staff member, because my job is basically to work with US students coming to study abroad here. Right now, our only other female white student (gringa) left last week, and now all the rest that remain are men. But the thing is... I literally have not once tried to teach anyone anything, unless supervising my students count as teaching? and I literally have not asked all of the other staff members to give me tons of attention, unless me asking them about what research projects they have going on (so that I could see about assigning students to the projects) counts as being attention seeking??

 

I literally do not understand this at all! But I can't imagine it is written about anyone else other than me since I am the only gringa left here now and he wrote it just after talking to me. I feel like I want to cry... now I don't so much care about the relationship being over as I do about how people here are perceiving me. Last night he went for a long walk with the two other members of the staff here and now today he is writing that everyone in the staff thinks I am attention seeking... Now all I can think about is that they were talking **** about me last night and now I can barely look anyone in the eye.

 

I don't understand why he would say that. I'm so upset right now I'm thinking of just quitting and buying a plane ticket home...

[acheybreakey]

When I read that message I immediately left my room to get some air to keep from crying right there. When I came back ten minutes later the computer was powered off and I saw him leaving the dormitory with his roommate. He made eye contact with me but didn't say anything let alone comment about how he was supposed to be talking to me now and instead was going off to do who knows what with this woman...

[hoping2heal]

I would just distance yourself from him.

 

Maybe he's talking about you, maybe he isn't.

 

Even if he isn't, he does not act very thoughtfully towards you. Plus, he apparently is the type that likes to start **** storms and that petty crap is garbage.

[acheybreakey]

So I shouldn't even try to have that talk with him? Even if it's just to say that Im finished with him?

 

I feel like I'm 12 years old or something, I thought that by 25 I would have been done with these childish manipulations/games.

I don't know who else his email could have been about, even though I don't understand how it applies to me. I'm so confused by this

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'd go right up to him and state 'you left your e-mail open when you finished using my computer. If you have an issue with the way I work, I'd ask that you discuss it with me directly before gossiping about it to our colleagues' and walk away with your head held high.

 

Don't let this guy get to you, even if he was talking about you you know what workplaces and universities are like, they're a hotbed of NONSTOP gossip and speculation and bitching. If you've looked within yourself and genuinely don't see how you may be giving that perception to others, address him about it and then move on. I personally would choose to address it because a) you won't be able to stop stewing about it and being upset and having to hide it around him otherwise and b) he kinda deserves to know that 1) he's an idiot for leaving his private e-mail open on your computer and 2) he's an idiot for sleeping with you, sweet talking you and then having the gumption to bitch about you to other staff before he's even officially ended things. Either way he's not a very nice person, given that one minute he's balls deep in you, and the next he's being mean about you behind your back, without having the guts to be honest to you about either.

 

I wouldn't be able to resist bringing it up with him.