When I found out about the new guy

[rb2012]

Actually my first time posting here. I appreciated hearing your story as I'm in a similar situation and related completely to everything you mentioned thinking and feeling. I came on here because my ex texted me today after 2.5 months of NC initiated by me. My birthday was a month ago, and she didn't contact me then. I admit that I hoped she would, but it didn't ruin my day. I was surprised that she skipped an easy day like that one and instead did it today out of the blue.

 

She and I were together for a year, but I'm older than her and she moved across the country for college. At that time I told her we should try and end things because she had a new life starting which I knew from experience would be very hard on us. We stayed in close contact though and were very open about still being in love. Trouble was that she did meet a guy, as I'd anticipated, but she hid that from me for almost two months, even though we continued to speak every day and night, say I love you, etc.

 

When I found out about the new guy (not from her), I flew to see her. We had an emotional night, and afterwards I wrote to her and let her know that though I loved her deeply, I also understood where she was in her life and wasn't going to stand in her way. I meant to say goodbye the best that I could, even though it was immensely difficult and somewhat killing me physically and emotionally. She responded to that by coming back to me in a fashion. I tried to hold back but she was texting daily and nightly, as if we were still together. Always telling me that she loved me in the strongest terms, telling me how confused she was, how hard it was, etc. I didn't realize how close she was with the other guy, or how long they'd been together, and he never came up; she let me think it wasn't serious, and that she loved me far more.

 

After about three weeks of constant texting, phone calls, sexting, selfies, and vid chats, filled with deep professions of confusion and love, she came home for Xmas. She told me I "made her whole" and that she was herself again now that she was home with me, that she wouldn't last long without me, etc. I had tried to at least stay aloof, but eventually succumbed and responded in kind about how much I loved her. We saw each other 4 times in a week, slept together each time, and she spent the first night at my place. The other nights we stayed up late vid chatting. I was the love of her life, she wanted to spend her life with me, I made her life crazy and complicated but she only had one life and knew she wanted to spend it with me, she was put on this earth to be with me, was head over heels in love with me, she said all of that and more.

 

At the end of the week her college bf came to visit. The night before he arrived, though I was trying to ignore her, she texted me and told me she loved me, wanted to be with me, didn't owe him anything, that she was going to fix all of it, and he was just going to be a houseguest but wouldn't be getting in her bed. I didn't ask any of that, in fact I was trying to stop speaking to her, but she just offered it up. She texted me the first two nights he was there, after midnight, but I didn't respond and she stopped. Of course she texted again the night he left, and I got weak and agreed to see her. Sort of wanted to see what she'd say, sort of hoped she'd say she still loved me.

 

Which of course she did. Told me she didn't need time if she was going to be with me, asked me to be with her, even told me shed faked her period so she wouldn't sleep with him. She asked me to move across country to be with her even. I fell for it and she wound up staying over one more night before heading back to school. That last night together I told her it had to end, because I didn't believe her and knew she wasn't breaking up with the college bf (who she had spent the holiday bad mouthing to me as a fill in and replacement who didn't hold a candle to me, but still wound up spending New Years and a week in her home.)

 

There were tears and a lot of I love yous the next morning; she tearfully told me "I'm sorry I ever made you doubt that I love you." She went back to school and texted me three times in two weeks, once to tell me a story that reminded her of us, once to call me a pet name, and finally at 4am to ask how my new job was going. I finally cut off contact after that, in early February. It's now been 2.5 months full NC and today she texted me randomly to tell me she found my old address on some websites shipping page (she had used it to ship me new bedding when we started dating so that was the memory reference.) The full text was "Just saw this as my shipping address" with a picture of the page attached. 2.5 months of NC and that's what she went with. Solid. No idea how she expected me to respond to that one.

 

Very sorry for the novel but as I started to respond I found that I wanted to get it off my chest a bit. Point is Stronger, I felt exactly the same way. I wanted to respond and the truth is that I was hoping that if I responded we would communicate again. I still love her and think of her daily, and the end was a bit confusing in that she continued to profess her love and was clearly all over the place about me, the new guy, and what she wanted. That had me holding out hope that all of the romantic stuff would still come true some day. I almost responded, hoping this was the beginning of her coming back. Truth is that she's still with the other guy, they've been together over 6 months now, and I have no idea why she felt the need to contact me.

 

I'm sure she still has feelings for me, but I realized that whatever her reasons for texting, they weren't the same as mine would be for responding. If she wants me back, she will have to do an awful lot more than send some random text, and the fact that she didn't shows she's not serious. I also hate that part of me that still wants her back, but you have to go easy on yourself. Wanting her back is a feeling that ebbs and flows, and you just have to ride it out and let NC continue I guess. I constantly go back and forth between being over her, missing her, hating her, and wondering if it's still meant to be down the road.

 

Also like you, she's coming back here for the summer and lives about 20 mins up the road. I'm also dreading it, because I worry that she will contact me again, and even more worry that I want her to and will respond. It's long distance, she's younger, and so I find it easy to believe that those are "extenuating circumstances" that make it OK for me to treat this differently and leave the door open to her. Other times I realize she's young and dishonest and I won't be able to believe much of what she might say.

 

Real worried about myself when she's back here next month, but I maintained NC thru this text, and am hopeful I will be even stronger when she returns. Hang in there man...I know it hurts more than you imagined possible, I'm 3 months in also and also can't Fckin believe it still hurts, but everyday it gets better.

Edited April 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
moved into it's own thread and added much needed paragraphs