OhThatGirl Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 she's scared. All these feelings she's had for you, she hasn't had in a long time. With her mom passing away, it's really nice to have someone you have feelings for and care about. She is scared and since she has been divorce and has experienced loss - she wants to move cautiously now. She is in love with you but wants to be sure, very sure that you feel the same and are patient with her to show her you love her too. This is a terrible assessment of the situation. Someone who is "scared of being hurt" doesn't cut things off and tell a man that HE needs to work on HiMSELF and HE needs to learn to say NO, and HE needs to make changes. She's not afraid of being hurt. She's turned off by the fact this guy was a doormat. (Sorry OP, but it's true.. As evidenced by you agreeing with her and telling her how much you've looked at your shortcomings..) Final point: cut her off, no contact, move on. Next time be prepared to stand your ground and have expectations of your own. You were just way too accommodating for this whirlwind situation. 2
Author cliche1 Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 This is a terrible assessment of the situation. Someone who is "scared of being hurt" doesn't cut things off and tell a man that HE needs to work on HiMSELF and HE needs to learn to say NO, and HE needs to make changes. She's not afraid of being hurt. She's turned off by the fact this guy was a doormat. (Sorry OP, but it's true.. As evidenced by you agreeing with her and telling her how much you've looked at your shortcomings..) Final point: cut her off, no contact, move on. Next time be prepared to stand your ground and have expectations of your own. You were just way too accommodating for this whirlwind situation. But some of those shortcomings are true and come from being in a bad place in the past, some things I did not agree with, though she was being quite ridiculous and told her so.
FrustratedGuy91 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 But some of those shortcomings are true and come from being in a bad place in the past, some things I did not agree with, though she was being quite ridiculous and told her so. Say that you somehow end up getting what you want and you get to be in a relationship with her. How do you think it will be like? (Based on your experience with her so far, not on what you'd like it to be)
Author cliche1 Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 I dont agree with your abrasiveness in the slightest TaraMaiden......I had to break the NC as her cousin died the other day, i'm not that much a heartless b#####, that you clearly want people to be....
Gaeta Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 She doesn't want you but she wants you to want her. It's all about her ego. Tell her good luck and good bye. I did the exact same thing to a guy once. I did not really want him but I was getting a big ego boost at him wanting me. When he started dating someone else I played jealous and I even tried to seduce him just to see if I still had some power over him. He was smart and walked away from me.
Author cliche1 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Update - So she called me at 7am this morning, i didnt read who it was when i picked up, i thought it might have been my childs mum. Turned out it wasnt, it was her..... Asking me why i had been quiet. She admitted that she still thinks about kissing me, holding and cuddling up to me, making love, sitting on the sofa talking and all that stuff, but says there are days when she has no feelings at all and feels numb with greif. We talked for about an hour and she admits she wants me in her life but needs to sort her head out to figure out what she truly wants, as some days shes sure its me but the days she feels numb she just feels cold from the world, not just me, explaining that shes naturally a loner and always has been. but feels i'm a part of her future and she said she doesnt mean to send mixed signals. I explained to her jealousy confused me, and told me that she admires the fact i've been willing to hang in with her, as other men would have given her the cold shoulder, the thought of me speaking to other woman made her mad. She wants to see how we go when we meet up, and go from there, she wants no pressure, she just wants us to have a good time, which she thinks we wil as she reiterated her feelings for me, and whatever happens from that, happens. Will keep you all posted, but it goes to show what I truly believe, NC ain't for every situation. Sometimes Dialogue, and a moment, a decision can get some truths, and some clarity.
Gaeta Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 She just told you that all she can do is throw crumbs at you......and you accepted. 4
Author cliche1 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 She just told you that all she can do is throw crumbs at you......and you accepted. you are all a very sad bunch! Maybe I didnt clarify something that clear, she wants to be with me, most amazing guy shes met, wants to get past the grief. Seriously, I now see why this forum has a rocky reputation. Gave it the benefit of the doubt but now I truly wonder. I'm done, delete this thread please!
Gaeta Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 cliche: Just leave the thread here and go prove us wrong. That's all. I don't know how old you are but there are people here with years of experience with relationships and human behavior. I am 48 years old and I have seen this woman's behavior before, I HAD that behavior myself ! so I understand it. It's possible I am wrong, if I am good for you. This is an advice board, you take some, you leave some, you make your own decisions. Now go and be with her, and update us.
BC1980 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I dont agree with your abrasiveness in the slightest TaraMaiden......I had to break the NC as her cousin died the other day, i'm not that much a heartless b#####, that you clearly want people to be.... But I guess it's okay for your ex to use and abuse you? By all means, stay in contact with her and see how is damages your heart.
BC1980 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 you are all a very sad bunch! Maybe I didnt clarify something that clear, she wants to be with me, most amazing guy shes met, wants to get past the grief. Seriously, I now see why this forum has a rocky reputation. Gave it the benefit of the doubt but now I truly wonder. I'm done, delete this thread please! People are telling your their advance based on experience and reading countless threads on this forum. The advice given is spot on, and your situation isn't that uncommon. No one wants you to fail or be unhappy, but we have to give you the advice we believe in. 1
Author cliche1 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 Sorry for the last outburst, my good vibes felt a bit punctured here and I am listening and reading the advice and taking it in, but things keep changing almost every day. So on tuesday she confirms she wants to see me on saturday, texts me about this restaurant and then right there and then she books a table for 2, and tells me she has been really missing me. She then said shes really looking forward to alone time with me (which when we dated we rarely had) , no children, no family, no friends. since then the texts have been short but friendly, just how are yous, what you uptos, work, talking about a film or two etc, I have kind of being letting her chase me in terms of texting. (i dont text in the daytime now, and wait for her to text me, which she has been doing, or i wait until the evening). Saturday I have no expectations but I know I will not bring up any negativity about what has happened before, just going to enjoy her company and just keep the talking, light, fun, maybe flirty if it heads that way. I will be confident which deep down I am but I ended up too nice to her before so keeping some devilment this time.
veggirl Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 She most likely will cancel for Saturday. She sounds crazy, I don't know why you'd put up with so much push and pull after only a month. This whole relationship is on her terms and hers alone. I imagine you don't want to rock the boat cause you know if it's not her way it's the highway. Sad. 1
d3sigN8t3dDruNk Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 My ex-fiance of 5.5 years did something similar. She completely changed when she started hanging out with this new friend from school. Like you flipped a light switch and I felt like I never knew her at all. It was crazy and I still don't understand it. I wish you better luck then me
Gaeta Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Sadly, the OP seems to largely ignore all advice and merely uses this thread as a diary-cum-blog just to keep us updated of every stumble to the next. OP, seriously, why are you so resolved to completely ignore the counsel and advice of those who have been through all-too similar experiences and can see this train crash from a mile off? Why refuse to believe what we say? And I'm seriously asking, what about this situation makes you beĺieve your situation is 'different' because tragically, we know that while it's natural to believe that, it's also predictably wrong.... Because it's very hard to be objective when we are emotionally invested. We are slow to react as well when it's our turn.
TXGuy Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Thanks Tara..... There has been more yesterday. She sent me this text: "Hi hun, I woke up feeling a bit better, I realise that a relationship is not what I need right now, I'm not healed enough. I'm not going to say let's leave it, I'm still available to do meals and talk and stuff, I'm not going to change my facebook relationship stayus because its nice to be seen as 'in a relationship, but emotionally I can't commit to a relationship. I hope what I'm saying makes sense?" My reply was: "Hey hun! I am glad you are feeling a bit better. I understand that you need time to heal and I respect that. I am happy you still want to go out for meals etc as I love spending time with you and talking with you, and I promised I would always be there, no matter what, that doesn't change. I will always be here for you and you know I'm just a call away if you want to talk about anything day or night. I hope one day you will be in a better place to consider a relationship, I hope one day we will be able to pick up where we left off, but for now I understand how you are feeling and am willing to give you all the time you need" You doomed your relationship. You told her you will always be in her back pocket and she never has to put in any effort or treat you with any type of respect. 2
Author cliche1 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 We met up and had an amazing time, it was fun, it was like we hadn't been apart. we spoke about things and she said "Carl, I've been stupid, I dont know why I doubted us, I just didn't feel like I deserved to be happy, I felt I shouldn't be happy because I should be grieving, but you make me happy, I hope you can forgive me and lets get things back on track". So, I said lets get it going then. I know she will have a wobble again, its going to be tough, but i'm prepared. This time I can handle it.
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Just gonna try a different angle, not one I'm necessarily 100% committed to, but one worth thinking about I think... I don't think she's the monster everyone's making her out to be... I don't think her and the OP are going to work, however, and I think it would be in his best interests to stop dating her and go minimal contact. She's far too unstable, at least right now, for what he wants. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of this crazy sounding behaviour deviates from the fact that her mother just died a few months ago. How long before you started dating did she lose her mother, Carl? When I lost my own mother I was up and down for months, over a year, up to a year and a half pretty much. I was probably not a great partner in that time and my own relationship that began one month before she died floundered and failed miserably, I believe once he felt enough time had passed that he could leave me and not worry too desperately about how I was going to take it. I know it's no excuse for treating people like crap but when you're in the middle of that kind of thing, you barely even register the way you're treating others. She's just looking to get her own needs met right now, probably because she's miserable and looking for comfort, which will not make her a good partner to the OP. And, OP, once she's over the grief, even if you had made it that far together chances are she won't be the same person she was when you met her.
Author cliche1 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 So, after our talk, she went away for two weeks to Bulgaria on holiday...when she came back she got in contact with me and said hi, we was cool, it was light, casual, catching up, the little break did both of us some good. We are in contact often, its a bit difficult to physically meet up as she is so busy as its the summer season for her business. We did meet up this past weekend for my friends wedding. we went for a meal alone first and we had a lovely time, it wasnt overly lovey, or pressurable, it was just enjoyable, we then arrived at the reception, holding hands, and again we had a great time. when we got in the cab we had a talk, about the break up and about patching things up and how to go about things, she said she realises that we get on really well, that the only difference we have had the whole time is that right now i want a lil more than her but that she loves the way i treat her like a lady, and she was really impressed with the way i was all day, she said she does want to explore a relationship, but in time....but she wants us to date, exclusively, but just to have fun and not get too serious (in other words me wind down a bit, which I am cool with), just enjoy dates, go out for food, drinks, events, kiss and cuddle, keep the intimacy off the table, take things slow and get to know each other properly, because of how busy we may only be able to see each other a few times a month, maybe once every couple weeks, but we are maintaining contact. We ended the night with a nice passionate kiss. (yay!) I found out she also told my friend she likes me alot, just wants to take it slow. My thing is, how do I take it slow with her, since sunday, i messaged her on monday, but after a few short back and forths she said she was too busy to chat, and i said cool, we can chat later when your free. She did not message me back until last night, when she asked me if i was watching the world cup, again, short convo, with short answers from her (she was engrossed in the game I think). I asked her if she wanted to watch England play together, see if she was up for it, but she said weekdays are too hectic for her right now, which i understand. So how do I do this, I dont want to push it too fast again, I also dont want to go too slow to the point she loses interest or thinks i've lost interest...how often should i contact her, should i send her random funny things from time to time, you know be a bit unpredictable? She also said next time we go out she might treat me and take me out, does that put the onus on her to invite me out next? God? I sound like such a novice, but I want to get this right....
Lona.loba Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 The FB status things seems abit odd to me. Leaves me thinking status same man different. Sounds like she may have reconnected with an ex and wants to keep you in her back pocket just in case. Could be wrong? Doesn't really seem like tht from what she said Help me with my thread ? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/481850-shoul-i-sex
Author cliche1 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Yeah, a lot has happened since then Lona lol. I will have a look at yours. Should I start a new thread as this is only really relevant from post 45 now?
spiderowl Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Be wary of people who say they love you too soon. It's a warning sign they have fickle emotions, in my humble opinion. This woman has done the same that a guy did to me. He was all over me for a while, said he loved me, was talking about the future, doing all the things I was wary of doing so early on because I didn't know him that well yet. Sure enough, he pretty much did a flip when I disagreed with him about something. I should have seen the signs earlier - the declaration of love, wanting commitment, followed by the drift away. I'm sorry it happened to you. It left me feeling horribly confused, hurt and disturbed. I eventually came to understand that they guy was volatile. In fact, he had shown signs of anger which surprised me - towards other car users, and almost towards me though he walked away and calmed down that time. I noted it though. I suspect there are people who cannot inhbit their emotions and are not thinking long term at all, only responding to their immediate, but transient, feelings. I'd recommend you back off, stay as a distant friend, but generally not hang around waiting for her. She's not likely to change her mind and, if she did, it would be because she came to respect you and realise that you are worth working for. She won't do that if you wait upon her every move. Go and meet others and enjoy yourself and let her sort her head out. It's just plain cruel to tell someone you love them when you barely know them. I think it's irresponsible.
spiderowl Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 yeah thats part of the reason i didnt reply, but the fact she called me twice in two minutes a few hours later meant she was eager to talk to me, and for what, im wondering if its a reaction that i may not be at her beck and call, and totally into her, it apparently creeped her out that i was so into her. I really feel like i shoud just be at arms length... i think deep down she has some feelings for me, but a mixture of all thats going on around her, plus her focus on the negatives and not the positives. Next week will be the first time we have physically seen each other since the last day before we broke up, this has all been by text and phone since then. So maybe i may get the real 100% truth, i#m already feeling like a more confident, self assured person as i got something at work finally out my system.....she is clearly looking to see some growth in me. maybe after this, i will cut her out. This woman is horribly mixed up. She lives on highs and then dumps guys when the high lessens (the wall). She then doesn't want to lose contact, but pushes them to the guy she wants them to be. How manipulative can someone get? She has issues, she is playing games with no known goal or outcome. There is no point joining in with these games because they don't look like they lead anywhere rational for her or for you. You are likely to get damaged in the process.
spiderowl Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Update - So she called me at 7am this morning, i didnt read who it was when i picked up, i thought it might have been my childs mum. Turned out it wasnt, it was her..... Asking me why i had been quiet. She admitted that she still thinks about kissing me, holding and cuddling up to me, making love, sitting on the sofa talking and all that stuff, but says there are days when she has no feelings at all and feels numb with greif. We talked for about an hour and she admits she wants me in her life but needs to sort her head out to figure out what she truly wants, as some days shes sure its me but the days she feels numb she just feels cold from the world, not just me, explaining that shes naturally a loner and always has been. but feels i'm a part of her future and she said she doesnt mean to send mixed signals. I explained to her jealousy confused me, and told me that she admires the fact i've been willing to hang in with her, as other men would have given her the cold shoulder, the thought of me speaking to other woman made her mad. She wants to see how we go when we meet up, and go from there, she wants no pressure, she just wants us to have a good time, which she thinks we wil as she reiterated her feelings for me, and whatever happens from that, happens. Will keep you all posted, but it goes to show what I truly believe, NC ain't for every situation. Sometimes Dialogue, and a moment, a decision can get some truths, and some clarity. She has serious mood swings and treats you badly when she's down. This could be a long-term pattern.
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