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Thank You LoveShack. You saved me from t-r-o-u-b-l-e!

meeji

By meeji
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meeji Established Member

meeji

Posted
Posted

I recently posted a thread about a poly guy I was seeing who claimed he was no longer. We've been going at it for a little while and things finally came to a head.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/468368-dating-guy-who-used-polyamorous

 

I wanted to share with you guys an email I sent to him to finally wrap it up. I also wanted to thank everyone on this forum who openly gives feedback. One comment might seem small but each one makes a difference. CHEERS!

 

If you ladies haven't read 'What Smart Women Know,' I recommend it.

Amazon.com: WHAT SMART WOMEN KNOW eBook: Steven Carter, Julia Sokol: Kindle Store

 

On to the email:

"You are confused about why I'm not feeling it anymore and I'm about to tell you why.

 

It seems that there was never any one point where your feelings about me were solid.

I stated clearly that I decided that I didn't want to and wasn't planning on seeing any other guys besides you. It wasn't mutual.

 

It came to light that you wanted to slip in a few more dates with someone else to "make sure," you were making the right decision about me.

During the time you were making room to slip those in I was only seeing you.

 

It also seems like I had to be the one to ask about where things were going and each time it was avoided. Meaning that I probably had stronger feelings for you than you did for me or that I was seeing potential that you couldn't..

 

I guess while you saw that everything was fine and dandy, I saw myself slipping into a situation where I was falling for a guy who wasn't falling for me quite the same way. It started to feel like I was cheating myself.

 

It even crossed my mind that maybe you were doing all those sweet things to get me cozy, attached and in bed under this "casual," label so that you could easily and just as casually "let me go," saying some bull**** about how you never promised me anything beyond a casual situation. You were pretty slick with your story seeing Jordan while I was gone. It really seems like you tried hard to leave a fair amount outs for yourself. When a guy is into a girl he's not thinking about how to escape or leave loop holes for himself to wiggle through later.

 

When a guy is really into a girl, he'll also do whatever is necessary to clear up any confusion said girl has about what he's feeling for her. If you wanted me to trust your intentions, you wouldn't have given me any reasons to doubt you. If there wasn't so much effort going into neglecting and dodging things that needed to be discussed, communicating wouldn't have been such a struggle.

 

I don't deserve to be treated like a backup plan and I'm not going to be in a one-sided relationship with a guy who feels that it is necessary to squeeze in a couple more dates with someone else before he gets back to me. It's okay in the beginning but we've been at it long enough.

 

You're clinging to your freedom now but when you find a girl that you are truly interested in, there won't be any of this limbo bull**** and you won't risk the chance of her getting away. Thanks for everything. I had a lot of fun with you and I wouldn't take it back if I could.

 

Good luck. I hope you find what you've been looking for."

  • Like 1
tbf Established Member

tbf

Posted
Posted

You might want to remove the underlining. It's distracting.

 

Told you he's a weasel. Based on what you wrote in the other thread, you could tell he was hiding something (Jordan).

  • Like 1
GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

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Posted

Well I'm glad you 'took the power back' but to be honest, I've written many emails like the one you just did and it's not going to do much.

 

Guys like this just go 'meh whta a crazy b*tch' and move on to the next.

 

I hope writing this email at least made you feel better.

  • Like 2
HeartbrokenNewbie Established Member

HeartbrokenNewbie

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I think its a really good email x

  • Like 1
HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

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I missed the whole debacle before in the other thread but BRAVO on that email! Very well thought out and good for you for standing up for yourself and not letting someone play with your emotions. Great email! Who cares if he "gets it" or not. I bet he'll learn to think twice before toying with people. Take your power back- you did exactly that!

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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...but, please make this your closure. Please do not come back onto LS telling us how you are back with him!

  • Like 6
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Good work.

 

 

 

This site has saved my ass a world of pain too.

 

 

 

 

Yeah. A guy who is truly into you doesn't need to "try other women out for size":sick:

 

 

 

 

Don't buy it. It is NOT the norm for a man who is crazy about a girl to " have to go on a few more dates with other women"

 

 

 

 

 

You did the right thing, just DON'T drag it on and even THINK about replying to any lame email he sends!

 

 

 

 

" oh meeji, I truly adore my time with you, I don't know where things went wrong, why does it have to be this way? I want to see you"

  • Like 1
Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

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I went back and read the thread referenced in the OP. I actually think HE was the one who dodged a bullet here. meeji, you sound quite immature and entitled.

 

1. Instead of breaking up with him like a grown-up--e.g., during your last date--you handled things like a little kid who didn't get her way and so now she is taking her ball and running home. He gave you answers that YOU didn't like (see below) so instead of explaining yourself during your last date, you just broke off the date by saying you "were going out with your friends". Classy....

 

2. You mentioned that 4 dates in, you weren't sure about him because YOU were seeing someone else. I'm confused, is it OK for you to be unsure but not him?

 

 

 

It's quite OK for someone to take their time deciding whether they want to become exclusive with someone else. Even 10 dates with someone you met online and who you are still getting to know sounds reasonable. From the way he was making future plans with you--inviting you on that road trip for example, it sounds that he was headed there. But alas you showed your true colors. Things weren't happening according to YOUR time table so you threw a tantrum and left.

 

I'm all for moving on when it is clear you and the other person aren't on the same page. I disagree with the way you handled it. Don't bring commitment up 3 times in the span of <10 dates and then after the third time get all pissy and passive-aggressive and leave. Another suggestion for you for next time: Don't agree to sleep-overs until you are exclusive with someone. It will save you debacles such as what happened your last date.

Edited by Imajerk17
  • Like 3
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meeji Established Member

meeji

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You might want to remove the underlining. It's distracting.

 

Told you he's a weasel. Based on what you wrote in the other thread, you could tell he was hiding something (Jordan).

 

 

I knew he was seeing Jordan before but it was my understand that he was no longer happening.

tbf Established Member

tbf

Posted
Posted
I knew he was seeing Jordan before but it was my understand that he was no longer happening.
Don't you find it interesting that many members picked up on the obfuscation, even without this knowledge?
  • Author
meeji Established Member

meeji

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I went back and read the thread referenced in the OP. I actually think HE was the one who dodged a bullet here. meeji, you sound quite immature and entitled.

 

1. Instead of breaking up with him like a grown-up--e.g., during your last date--you handled things like a little kid who didn't get her way and so now she is taking her ball and running home. He gave you answers that YOU didn't like (see below) so instead of explaining yourself during your last date, you just broke off the date by saying you "were going out with your friends". Classy....

 

2. You mentioned that 4 dates in, you weren't sure about him because YOU were seeing someone else. I'm confused, is it OK for you to be unsure but not him?

 

 

 

It's quite OK for someone to take their time deciding whether they want to become exclusive with someone else. Even 10 dates with someone you met online and who you are still getting to know sounds reasonable. From the way he was making future plans with you--inviting you on that road trip for example, it sounds that he was headed there. But alas you showed your true colors. Things weren't happening according to YOUR time table so you threw a tantrum and left.

 

I'm all for moving on when it is clear you and the other person aren't on the same page. I disagree with the way you handled it. Don't bring commitment up 3 times in the span of <10 dates and then after the third time get all pissy and passive-aggressive and leave. Another suggestion for you for next time: Don't agree to sleep-overs until you are exclusive with someone. It will save you debacles such as what happened your last date.

 

Its fine is someone wants to take things slow but the problem was that he wasn't communicating anything at all. Without communication it wasn't going to go anywhere. Taking things slow and trying to have your cake and eat it too aren't the same thing at all. I got tired of him dodging the topic and that was all I needed to walk out the door.

 

He was spending nights here. He was sleeping my bed and hanging out at my place when I wasn't home. He was leaving his toiletries in my bathroom. He made himself right at home and that's not what you do when you want to take things slow. Excuse me, but I think that he would have played the part as long as I let it continue. It isn't about getting my way. Its about realizing when I'm wasting my time...

 

I appreciate your honestly but I have to disagree your opinion.

 

By the way, I got an reply from him..... I'm curious to know what you guys will think about that.

  • Author
meeji Established Member

meeji

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Don't you find it interesting that many members picked up on the obfuscation, even without this knowledge?

 

 

I think some people are misunderstanding what I wrote. When I first started seeing him we were BOTH seeing other people. I didn't care about him seeing Jordan then. I wasn't until I stopped seeing the other guys I was seeing that I bought up the topic of being exclusive and that wasn't until I left for my trip 2 weeks ago.

 

 

That was dating is all about... trying them on until you find one that fits.

tbf Established Member

tbf

Posted
Posted
I think some people are misunderstanding what I wrote. When I first started seeing him we were BOTH seeing other people. I didn't care about him seeing Jordan then. I wasn't until I stopped seeing the other guys I was seeing that I bought up the topic of being exclusive and that wasn't until I left for my trip 2 weeks ago.

 

 

That was dating is all about... trying them on until you find one that fits.

I got that the two of you weren't exclusive at one time. But his weaseling behaviour when you tried to nail him down to exclusivity, were obvious red flags. Hence...weasel.
Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
Posted (edited)
Its fine is someone wants to take things slow but the problem was that he wasn't communicating anything at all. Without communication it wasn't going to go anywhere. Taking things slow and trying to have your cake and eat it too aren't the same thing at all. I got tired of him dodging the topic and that was all I needed to walk out the door.

 

He was spending nights here. He was sleeping my bed and hanging out at my place when I wasn't home. He was leaving his toiletries in my bathroom. He made himself right at home and that's not what you do when you want to take things slow. Excuse me, but I think that he would have played the part as long as I let it continue. It isn't about getting my way. Its about realizing when I'm wasting my time...

 

I appreciate your honestly but I have to disagree your opinion.

 

By the way, I got an reply from him..... I'm curious to know what you guys will think about that.

 

Dafuq??

 

I have no idea why you would be letting a guy who didn't even agree to be your boyfriend have access to your place like that. WOW. Be thankful you didnt get swindled out of a large amount of money or something.

 

Your decision-making was even more crazy than I thought. Talk about bad boundaries.

Edited by Imajerk17
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted

By the way, I got an reply from him..... I'm curious to know what you guys will think about that.

 

i'm curious. what did he say?

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted
i'm curious. what did he say?

 

Ditto........

  • Like 2
Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted
Dafuq??

 

I have no idea why you would be letting a guy who didn't even agree to be your boyfriend have access to your place like that. WOW. Be thankful you didnt get swindled out of a large amount of money or something.

 

Your decision-making was even more crazy than I thought. Talk about bad boundaries.

Unnecessarily harsh.

  • Like 2
Trapito Established Member

Trapito

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Posted
i'm curious. what did he say?

 

^^^ Me three!

  • Like 1
David87 Established Member

David87

Posted
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^^^ Me three!

 

I want to know to :)

  • Like 1
GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

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Posted

My guess is he said nothing.

Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
Posted (edited)
Unnecessarily harsh.

 

Yes I was a bit harsh in my last post and I apologize to meeji for that.

 

But still, letting a guy who didn't commit to you yet (even someone who did but you don't know that long) have that much access to your place is still a crazy idea--one that is not bound to end well. It would do the OP well to take more responsibility for her decision-making.

 

I'll say it again: OP actually is lucky that she didn't get swindled or anything, as she opened herself up to someone who didn't seem to give her much reason yet to believe that he was all that trustworthy.

Edited by Imajerk17
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