meeji Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 It started with me casually dating several guys from a dating sire. I basically narrowed it down to two guys I was interested in but later decided two turned into one. Let's call him john. On date number one he asked how I felt about polyandry and I said I was not into it and he sighed with relief. When I asked why he tells me he had a poly relationship and he thought three girl would eventually ditch the other guys and be exclusive with him at the point he fell for her but that was not the case. So he decided he wanted a monogamous relationship and started dating again. So far we have been on 10 dates. He has spent 2 nights at my place and I spent one at his. A kissed after date 8 and aside from snuggling, holding hands and affectionate stuff we have not been physical.I felt like me seeing other guys was totally fine until he expressed an interest in being exclusive, which he has asked about it but in a hypothetical way. I'm leaving the country next week and he has committed himself to taking me to the airport, picking me up and cat sitting while I am gone. He jokes about me leaving things at his place.... Like he said I should bring toiletries and leave them there, ect. I know he gets jealous if I go it with other guys and he had been seeing one other girl, which is fine.I said that I was done dating around and that I was fine only seeing him for a while and he got happy and hugged me but he didn't a say anything about his intentions. the next day I asked about it and he said he wanted to talk in person so I agreed. He said he hasn't scheduled anything a since the last date he went in with the other girl but she is pretty unavailable in general. I have a few questions. Am I stupid for thinking that someone who was oily can transition Link to post Share on other sites
Author meeji Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 Sorry, typing on my tablet didn't work out so well. Questions: 1. Am I stupid for thinking that something who used to be poly can transition into being monogamous? 2. Do you guys think that I should be concerned that he is saying that he's not interested in dating anyone new but didn't mention anything about only seeing me when I bought it up. 3. Do you think that I am barking up the wrong tree? He asked me once what I thought about my boyfriend snuggling with girls ( close friends and probably exs) whom he previously had a close relationship with while we are together. I told him that I wouldn't like that at all Once this came up I started thinking about how many problems am I going to have with his guy if this goes somewhere in regards to boundaries. In the past I usually just run in the opposite direction when a guy tells me he is "open" but it seemed like this guy really got hurt from the last thing he was caught up in. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I'm not sure I buy this "polyamorphous" stuff. To me is is just another name for someone who like to have their cake and eat it. However, I'd take things very slowly - and don't get sexual until you are 100% sure you are in a monogamous relationship. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Personally, a guy that has engaged in a poly relationship at any point in time, no matter how far in the past is a deal breaker for me. It shows such a huge discrepancy with my own values that it's just not going to work. You only know what your own values and dealbreakers are OP, we can't tell you that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 There might be hope if he wasn't dating anyone else, but he's sighing with relief one minute because you're not into poly and dating another woman at the same time? Wouldn't get your hopes up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meeji Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 Thanks guys. At the time we met we were both dating around so it never bothered me that he was seeing the other girl. What concerns me is the fact that I would think that as so on as I said I'm wasn't going to date others he should have chimed in. At one point he said he didn't want ask for exclusivity until I came back from my vacation, which kind of makes sense. I'm like you guys. I have been taking it very slow and but I feel like I'm waiting for something to surface. I'm definitely not getting physical until I know one that he isn't getting physical with anyone else and two that we have a mutual understanding about what's going on between us. I do have poly friends that had a rocky marriage because of it, divorced and are both now in monogamous relationships vowing never to do the poly thing again. so far, things are working out for them but that situation is a little different. We will see what he has to say before I go. Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 What stands out to me (and bothers me the most) is the fact he was openly dating three women who he expected would be monogamous with him. Poly isn't a one way street. The fact he is also seeing someone else raises a red flag and I strongly suggest you make your bounderies clear in a very take it or leave it. Poly relationships aren't the free for all everyone expects it to be. It usually means partners see other people but tell partner. It takes a huge amount of trust and openness. Poly peeps will usually have 'steady' partners and are commited to every one of them (as strange as it may seem...) Don't mistake them for swingers.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 What stands out to me (and bothers me the most) is the fact he was openly dating three women who he expected would be monogamous with him. Poly isn't a one way street. The fact he is also seeing someone else raises a red flag and I strongly suggest you make your bounderies clear in a very take it or leave it. Poly relationships aren't the free for all everyone expects it to be. It usually means partners see other people but tell partner. It takes a huge amount of trust and openness. Poly peeps will usually have 'steady' partners and are commited to every one of them (as strange as it may seem...) Don't mistake them for swingers.... I agree with this. I have had poly friends and the rules are pretty strict... and they go both ways. Same thing with swingers. Every relationship has rules, OP. This guy sounds like he wants to be open to seeing other women but doesn't want the same for the other. That's not poly. That's hypocritical. Got to give him bonus points for telling you though... I've come across plenty of guys who try to weasel that arrangement without telling anyone. Yes, it is time you have a talk about rules and boundaries, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meeji Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 We talked about it a little and he said when one of us decides we want to be exclusive the other will have to decide whether or not they want to become exclusive or move on to keep their options open. I'm aware of the rule aspect of a poly relationship and he knows that I am not interested in maintaining a polyamorous relationship. I didn't say " I want you to make a commitment to me now. Let's be exclusive." I. Probably should have worded it differently but I said that I wasn't going to see others and the convo ended there. I told him that if had intentions of seeing other I would not be giving him so much of my time and attention and that was when he said we would talk about it when he came over, which is tomorrow. He's spending the night again. I'm gonna be very firm and spell out exactly what my expectations are when that talk happens. Thanks for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 We talked about it a little and he said when one of us decides we want to be exclusive the other will have to decide whether or not they want to become exclusive or move on to keep their options open. Meh, these don't seem like the words of a guy who is really into you. After ten dates, sleepovers etc, if he was really into you then once this discussion came up he'd probably have tried to nail it down and get you both to be exclusive. You've already told him you are ready for exclusivity by telling him you don't want to see anybody else so I guess you'll find out what his response to that is when he comes round tonight. But my gut says if he was interested he'd have told you he wanted to be exclusive too when you told him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Aren't both of you dating around right now? Anyways, if he wants to be exclusive now, what's the issue? Link to post Share on other sites
Author meeji Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 Aren't both of you dating around right now? Anyways, if he wants to be exclusive now, what's the issue? If he wants to be ecxlusive now there is no issue. The part about "when we decide we want to be exclusive:.." came up around date 4. When we had that conversation I was still seeing the other guy too and wasn't sure which one I was more into. Lately I have started to wonder though if after we become exclusive how much bending is her going to expect from to in the direction of the poly lifestyle that he is used to. I'm concerned about that becoming an issue in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 If he wants to be ecxlusive now there is no issue. The part about "when we decide we want to be exclusive:.." came up around date 4. When we had that conversation I was still seeing the other guy too and wasn't sure which one I was more into. Lately I have started to wonder though if after we become exclusive how much bending is her going to expect from to in the direction of the poly lifestyle that he is used to. I'm concerned about that becoming an issue in the future. That's a conversation you're going to have to have with him. Clearly state what is and isn't acceptable to you. Don't leave any room for assumptions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meeji Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 I bought up the conversation and he didn't want to talk about it then. He said that my timing was bad and that anything he did or said would come across as him doing it because I said something and not because he wanted to do/say said thing. I think he wanted to wait until I came back to discuss it. I'm not sure if he is planning something but that's the impression I got. He spent the night and dropped me off at the airport. I am flying back home tomorrow and he is picking me up from the airport. He has been consistently contacting me via email and chat since I have been here saying he misses me ect. If I didn't contact him for a few days he contacted me expressing concern. He also has been going by my place to take care of my cat. They have become fairly fond of each other. Is it weird that he went to my place and slept in my bed with my cat while I was gone? He sent me pictures of them snuggling. I think it is cute and I'm happy my cat is not lonely..but it also seems like this guy has made himself quite cozy in my space. Basically, I am waiting until I get back to deal with him. If he doesn't bring it up I will and I will let him know that we can be exclusive or we can cut our losses. Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Let us know what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meeji Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 He picked me up from the airport and I could tell he was happy to see me. We came to my place, I showered and then we went out to dinner, which he paid for. We came back to my place and he asked if we could watch a movie together,which we did. We snuggled up on the couch and when I was ready to go to bed I said "I need to get some sleep if I'm going to work tomorrow." Him: "Do you want some company?" Me: "I could go either way." Him: "What kind of answer is that?" I asked if he had packed a bag prior to coming to my place with the intention of spending the night and he said that he had all his stuff in his car. This is the part that gets me... wouldn't you discuss spending the night at someone's place before assuming that it is okay. He is starting to feel entitled I think. Anyway, slept together nothing happened. He asked me last night before we fell asleep if I would like to take a road trip with him on Friday to go to a gathering hosted by his out of town friends. I said that we could discuss it later. We both go up at the time same time this morning and went to work. Before we parted ways we kissed and he asked if I would be on the messenger today so we could chat. No talk about anything that I had previously mentioned before my trip as far as relationships or exclusivity is concerned. Maybe he just wanted to make it seem like he was waiting until I came back so that he could stall. I'm not so sure. So I'm thinking about seeing him a lot less. Reactivating my profile on the dating site and considering myself single and looking again. I don't want to bring it up again because all it should take is one time if the guy is really that interested. If you were in this situation what would you do? I guess now the question isn't so much about his poly status but more about whether or not I'm being lead on. As far as I know, he hasn't seen the other woman and hasn't been dating anyone else since I left. Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 If you were in this situation what would you do?Ditch him. The guy's a weasel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meeji Posted April 12, 2014 Author Share Posted April 12, 2014 Tonight, I broke it off. We chatted about some stuff ( as you guys can guess he wouldn't give me a straight answer about anything), he cooked dinner for me, we went on a walk and suddenly I decided that I needed to leave. He asked me why I was leaving if we planned to spend the night together and I said I was going to go out with my friends instead. I thanked him for the meal, grabbed my belongings, wished him a good night and left. If he comes back saying he wants to be exclusive I will reconsider but until I hear that from him I'm not going to waste my time. Link to post Share on other sites
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