We're Both Insane

[ShennenLovesHim]

Hey everyone.. first post here. I don't know what to do in my situation anymore, so I'm turning to the interwebs for some help. Please bear with me.. it's a long story.

 

My fiance and I are.. crazy. That's the only way I can put it. We're crazy in love, crazy awesome together, crazy jealous, crazy destructive, crazy horrible together, have crazy fights, can both be crazy mean and we go about things in absolutely crazy ways. We know we should break up. Call off the engagement. Go our separate ways. Move on. But we can't. We try.. believe me, we try.

 

"Co-dependent" describes us perfectly. Aside from work, we pretty much do everything together (and sometimes we're even involved in each other's jobs, heh). Any time spent away from one another is agonizing. I'm sure that really isn't healthy. We've talked about it at length. We promise ourselves and each other that we'll make some new friends, find new hobbies.. start doing some things separately.. but we never do. Or it never lasts. We're both interested in the same things. We both enjoy being around the same people. We've become one person rather than two individuals, and we don't know how to move away from this.

 

The relationship was oh-so-wonderful for the first year and a half, of course. It was love at first sight. It all happened so fast. Too fast. Never fell in love like this in my life (and I'm in my late 20's.. I've had lots of "love" experiences). Neither of us have ever met someone we were so compatable and comfortable with. It was like falling in love with your very best friend.. so perfect and natural and amazing. The sex was and still is crazy awesome. We moved in together after a few months. He proposed after 1 year together. Thought I had stumbled right into a fairy tale. Thought I was good and grown, and ready for this. Never had been happier.

 

Then after another 6 or so months together after the engagement, the love-chemicals began to fade and I started thinking negatively. I've done this in every relationship I've been in. Before my fiance, I never believed in "true love" or lasting love or even prolonged monogamy. I was a heart breaker. I always figured people get sick of each other, the sex dies down a bit and that's that. You stay together and you're just asking for trouble. Cheating. Misery. Etc. Sooo I started picking fights. I started looking for reasons to throw away the best thing that ever happened to me (crazy.. like I said.. I'm not denying it!). I became mean and nasty and flighty and horrible. Yet the "love" feelings would come rushing back every time we'd made up from one of the horrible fights instigated by me. It became a nasty cycle.

 

So to try and break it, I started flirting with guys.. and texting one in particular. It got bad. "Sexting" was involved. It sounds horrible, and it was, but I was looking for some sort of "exit affair" I guess you could say. I was looking for a way to ruin everything.

 

But then I woke up. Before this little fling could go physical, I realized what I was doing. What I was trying to throw away. My fiance loved me through the worst of my b*** s***. Gave me all he had. Made me feel things I've never felt. And in that moment of clarity, I never felt more guilty in my life. I stopped texting this other man, kept my secret and began to focus on my fiance once again.

 

Then I find out about some lies from him. More like lies by omission. THEN there was the discovery that he'd been in contact with his ex for the entire duration of our relationship, and hid it from me. She moved out of state after they broke up.. so I know he didn't cheat physically.. but still. I have no idea what they talked about. Phone calls and texts.. could have been anything. He says it was all innocent, blah blah.. but he lied about even being in contact with her. I had asked before, because I saw a text from her come in on his phone one night. At the time, he claimed he hadn't heard from her in a year and a half. I did more digging and found some weird calls to girls numbers. Girls I've never heard of. I was absolutely torn apart by all this.

 

So the fights started again, and have never stopped. I know he loves me. He cut all contact with his ex, opened his phone and email to me.. has done everything right. But I can't trust him, still. Everything he does is met with suspicion by me. And no.. he shouldn't trust me.. and he wouldn't if he knew what I had done.

 

Yet here were are. Still engaged (no set wedding date.. we're not THAT dumb ), still together.. still trying to work things out one day, and trying to let each other go the next. It's so easy sometimes, because we're best friends. Because in so many ways, we're perfect for each other. We communicate well.. yes the fights are bad, but we say what we need to say and then talk things out when we're calmer. We're also still a bit addicted to the break-up-make-up thing. The make up sex. The bonding. It's so intense with him. We'll just hold each other and make love for hours after a fight. We both know this isn't the healthiest of relationships. We've tried to break up, but not one or two days will go by before one of us is begging the other to come home, or to get back together, etc.

 

Are we as crazy for staying together as we think we are? Or crazy for wanting to end this? I feel like I will never find another person like him, ever. I know he feels the same way about me. But I fear.. and I mean truly fear.. what will happen down the line if we continue on like this. I know in my heart and soul that I will remain faithful to him.. never again would I do anything like I did, or anything worse.. I could never hurt him (and that's why I never confessed to the texting). Please advise! I know I need help! I know he probably does too. Just so torn.

[bluegreen]

Why not ask qualified therapist same question you asked us ?

[d0nnivain]

I skimmed your post. All I can tell you is that when I got engaged, I felt a sense of calm. Thinks got stronger not crazier.

 

 

The fights are problematic to me. Until you can find a way to resolve any differences of opinion without the fighting it's not good. Then again my parents fought weekly but were together for almost 45 years & each other's favorite playmate before my mom died. Some people thrive on the drama.

[CaliBabe]

I think you two have potentional to be a great couple but you must work through your issues and the only way of doing that is to seek professional help. Marriage counseling would be a nice choice for newlyweds anyways right?

 

I also think it is important for you to consider coming clean about the other guy you were speaking to. I know what you are thinking... How it will hurt him. But all of his business is out on the table for display for you, shouldn't yours be out for him? I just think honesty (even if pain is involved) is always the right thing to do. He can make a true decision about staying or not and you will no longer carry this burden of a lie from your mate. Given what you have gone through, and since there was no physical cheating, I am sure you will get through this together and I am sure he will forgive you. I just think it is the right thing to do and you should consider it.

 

If you can get through all of this, and I mean all of it including the honesty about the other man, then you can start your marriage on honesty and on really building something healthy.

 

Seek professional help, it will help you tremendously.

[KaliLove]

Oh my. That sounds volatile. If you do get married, I really hope you don't plan to expose any children to that unhealthy environment.

 

I will third the professional help opinion. Definitely time for some couples counseling.

[atlg8r]

I'm not so sure you're in love. I think it's more lust and comfort. I also suggest you seek counseling, maybe together AND individually.

 

Those crazy roller-coaster emotions are NOT love and not how love should feel like. Stop listening to movies and music and tv. It's all wrong.

 

I thought I was in love with my ex, and maybe I did love him in some ways, but it wasn't right. Seeing a couples counselor actually helped me see the specific problems and that they were irreconcilable. I'd known if deep down before, but the counselor - a neutral third party - truly illuminated it for me with a spotlight.

 

Fighting, breaking up and making up are not part of a successful, sustainable marriage or relationship.