acapelo_dp Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 My boyfriend and I went on a date Saturday night and I was a bit tired as I just got off work at 10:30pm - we went to a pub and had a beer and some food. We were just chatting and he playfully asked "if you could change one thing about my personality, what would it be?" I told him to answer first, as I had to think. He said "It's selfish of me." and was reluctant to tell me. Then he said "I wish you were more hipster and outdoors-y" I was hurt by this because for one, a girl he used to really be into is really into hiking, taking photographs outdoors, biking, etc and is "hipster" and I have always been insecure about her. They haven't talked since we have been together but they used to be quite close. I then told him one thing I would change is that I wish he would communicate more. Then he felt really bad, said he took it back and said that he meant that he wanted to be more outdoorsie and hipster and that is why he said it. He then told me I am perfect and he loves everything about me. I forgave him but I can't help but think in the back of my mind that he wants me to be more like the girl he used to be really into. I like outdoor stuff...I enjoy going for walks, I went for a hike with him etc. But they used to do outdoor stuff together all the time one summer he lived in her town. Should I let this go, or was it something legitimate to be upset about? I feel quite badly about myself now.
thecrucible Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I would try and let it go if I were you. I can kind of see that you might have asked him a question you didn't want to hear the answer to. Make sure you're prepared to hear it next him. Although this happened to me with an ex. He said he usually goes for girls that are into music. I got really upset about this but I think it was because this was combined with his lack of interest in me in general. If this man is sincere and treating you well in other ways, I would let it slide. You don't want it to look like your self-esteem is tied up in what he thinks of you. Perhaps he felt trapped by the question but in my opinion he doesn't seem very emotionally intelligent when it comes to women. So similar to my own issue I mentioned above, the fact he said that isn't what you're really upset about. Sounds like your main concern is that he might still be into his ex, or you worry that he likes his ex more than you. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 I would try and let it go if I were you. I can kind of see that you might have asked him a question you didn't want to hear the answer to. Make sure you're prepared to hear it next him. Although this happened to me with an ex. He said he usually goes for girls that are into music. I got really upset about this but I think it was because this was combined with his lack of interest in me in general. If this man is sincere and treating you well in other ways, I would let it slide. You don't want it to look like your self-esteem is tied up in what he thinks of you. Perhaps he felt trapped by the question but in my opinion he doesn't seem very emotionally intelligent when it comes to women. So similar to my own issue I mentioned above, the fact he said that isn't what you're really upset about. Sounds like your main concern is that he might still be into his ex, or you worry that he likes his ex more than you. Sorry - he actually asked me the question but I asked him to answer first as I had to think for a moment. But yeah, he seemed really apologetic afterwards. He continued to say how he loves everything about me and how he takes it back and that it was not what he meant. This girl isn't an ex girlfriend of his but a friend he met during a summer he lived in her area - they never got to date but had feelings for each other and she is really into outdoor stuff. I am too but not to the extent - I am more into going for long walks or going to the gym. Just made me feel badly - like he liked her better than me because of that. I always felt insecure about her for some reason so now I feel even worse. I am not going to bring it up to him again, though
Candy_Pants Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 You want him to communicate more but when he DOES you took it personally and got upset.... Do you think your reaction is helping or hurting your desire for more communication?? 1
thecrucible Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Sorry - he actually asked me the question but I asked him to answer first as I had to think for a moment. But yeah, he seemed really apologetic afterwards. He continued to say how he loves everything about me and how he takes it back and that it was not what he meant. This girl isn't an ex girlfriend of his but a friend he met during a summer he lived in her area - they never got to date but had feelings for each other and she is really into outdoor stuff. I am too but not to the extent - I am more into going for long walks or going to the gym. Just made me feel badly - like he liked her better than me because of that. I always felt insecure about her for some reason so now I feel even worse. I am not going to bring it up to him again, though Aww he sounds like a lovely guy Don't let on that you're feeling insecure. I think the fact he's reassured you that he thinks you're amazing is a REALLY GOOD sign. I wouldn't worry. Sorry to bring in my example again, but in the situation I mentioned above, the guy didn't even bother reassuring me like yours did, which made it feel really bad. So yes I wouldn't worry. What did you say back to him? Btw no one ever gets their top-10 ideals or whatever in who they end up with, unless they want to be single for a long long time. Probably from your side, there's something about him you'd hypothetically change, although it doesn't mean you'd want to. Maybe it's the same with him. It sounds like he loves you just the way you are.
Author acapelo_dp Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 You want him to communicate more but when he DOES you took it personally and got upset.... Do you think your reaction is helping or hurting your desire for more communication?? I meant communicating regarding our relationship and what upsets him, not really a silly question that could hurt someone's feelings potentially. I didn't ask him that question to begin with
Author acapelo_dp Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 He is with you and not her, so you don't have to be insecure. But if you like outdoorsy things, and he is saying he wants to do more of them, could you? It sounds like he was trying to communicate in his own way. Could you tell him that you are game to do some outdoorsy things if he plans them? Put the ball in his court. Then you can feel good about yourself because you are responsive and willing to compromise. Definitely. I actually told him a few months ago that I can't wait until the weather gets better so we can start to go hiking and he agreed. That is why I am kind of perplexed by his comment - I tell him I would like to go outdoor things quite often. :/
Author acapelo_dp Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 Aww he sounds like a lovely guy Don't let on that you're feeling insecure. I think the fact he's reassured you that he thinks you're amazing is a REALLY GOOD sign. I wouldn't worry. Sorry to bring in my example again, but in the situation I mentioned above, the guy didn't even bother reassuring me like yours did, which made it feel really bad. So yes I wouldn't worry. What did you say back to him? Btw no one ever gets their top-10 ideals or whatever in who they end up with, unless they want to be single for a long long time. Probably from your side, there's something about him you'd hypothetically change, although it doesn't mean you'd want to. Maybe it's the same with him. It sounds like he loves you just the way you are. Yeah it was definitely nice that he tried to reassure me. I just said "Oh...but I have mention doing outdoor things with you before, haven't I?" And I did say I was a bit offended by the comment and it hurt my feelings. Then he apologized and we moved past it about half an hour later. And that is quite true. You can't always get someone that has absolutely everything you desire in a partner - there are compromises for sure. Thanks that made me feel better.
FitChick Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 He enjoys doing those things and wants to do more of them. Doesn't mean he wants that other girl who happened to enjoy the same things. My ex liked playing tennis and I don't. I didn't take it to mean he would go back with his ex who played tennis. Two entirely different things.
Radu Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 My boyfriend and I went on a date Saturday night and I was a bit tired as I just got off work at 10:30pm - we went to a pub and had a beer and some food. We were just chatting and he playfully asked "if you could change one thing about my personality, what would it be?" I told him to answer first, as I had to think. He said "It's selfish of me." and was reluctant to tell me. Then he said "I wish you were more hipster and outdoors-y" I was hurt by this because for one, a girl he used to really be into is really into hiking, taking photographs outdoors, biking, etc and is "hipster" and I have always been insecure about her. They haven't talked since we have been together but they used to be quite close. I then told him one thing I would change is that I wish he would communicate more. Then he felt really bad, said he took it back and said that he meant that he wanted to be more outdoorsie and hipster and that is why he said it. He then told me I am perfect and he loves everything about me. I forgave him but I can't help but think in the back of my mind that he wants me to be more like the girl he used to be really into. I like outdoor stuff...I enjoy going for walks, I went for a hike with him etc. But they used to do outdoor stuff together all the time one summer he lived in her town. Should I let this go, or was it something legitimate to be upset about? I feel quite badly about myself now. Your bf's a dumbass. This is the kind of thing a guy dreads to hear as a question from his gf, it's an open ended question, no clear answer, and you just know the answer will be interpreted in a way to that will be detrimental to you. What the hell was he thinking asking this ??? Also, you could look at it as a not-so-subtle hint. 1
tbf Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Your bf's a dumbass. This is the kind of thing a guy dreads to hear as a question from his gf, it's an open ended question, no clear answer, and you just know the answer will be interpreted in a way to that will be detrimental to you. What the hell was he thinking asking this ???You snaked me. That's what I was going to post. He sounds like a needy girlfriend. You need to let it go. He gave you honesty in clear communications. It's what you wanted. 1
freetolove Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 you asked, he answered. don't ask anymore stupid questions. there was nothing he could have possibly said that would be "right". 1
Arieswoman Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 you asked, he answered. don't ask anymore stupid questions. there was nothing he could have possibly said that would be "right" Yup. The moral of this is "don't ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer". Simple.
Radu Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 you asked, he answered. don't ask anymore stupid questions. there was nothing he could have possibly said that would be "right". Read the OP again, she didn't ask this question. 2
Candy_Pants Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I meant communicating regarding our relationship and what upsets him, not really a silly question that could hurt someone's feelings potentially. I didn't ask him that question to begin with Communication is communication. Everything could potentially hurt. It's up to you to decide which battles to fight, and when you should just chill out and listen to your partner, who you care about.
Treasa Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 All you should have said in reply was, "The fact that you ask me questions like this." Don't invite criticism if there's no need to.
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