talk to me about NC

[Mickey1982]

It will happen though. I have to believe that it will. It feels never-ending right now, and I think the ache might always be there, but it will lessen eventually. It has to.

 

That said, I spend a lot of time worrying that it's a Pandora's Box type of thing. I had feelings for my xAP since the moment I met him, ten years ago. He felt the same, but there were a million reasons why it never worked out. We never lost touch over the years, and part of me always wondered if we would ever happen. And now we did, and it ended like this. I don't know how to make those feelings go away now. Even when I was dating my husband, getting engaged, and marrying him, my xAP was in my head. How do I make him go away now?? It was always there, and I ignored it. I'm trying to shove it back down, but it's not going so well.

 

Ugh, Mickey. Let me know when you want to meet up for that drink one day...

 

 

Once I become an established member, I'll share more. Who knows----we may be neighbors! LOL

 

Slap me and hate me for saying this, Waverly, but I do not think your exMM has gone NC for good. Mine has, but I feel that yours will be contacting you again. He had a d-day and I'm at 11 or 12 weeks (OMG, I lost count), but you are only at three weeks. Chances are good he will be back. Not sure if that is good or bad???????????????

[Quiet Storm]

Just a thought, that may be able to help in your healing.

 

Mickey, have you ever considered that your affair is not genuine love on your part, but about a need for validation and attention? I'm not talking about the MM and if he really loved you, I'm talking about your feelings for him.

 

The reason I say this is that when we truly love someone, we don't want them to suffer or struggle. We want them to be happy and content. Even if they make choices we don't agree with.

 

I know that you are feeling hurt & pain and it will comfort you in some way if he is feeling it, too. I get that.

 

But, what if these feelings that you are having are not because you lost a man that you genuinely love? What if what you are missing is not HIM (the flawed man), but the way he made you feel?

 

He certainly had the ability to inspire very strong feelings in you. So I ask yourself to consider... do you really love this man? Do you want a man with his character, his integrity?

 

It's very possible that you are calling this "love" because he is one man that had the ability to inspire such intense & strong feelings in you. He is a guy that is REALLY good at meeting your needs. He filled you up emotionally and made you feel good. But is that love? I think love is when you have each other's best interests at heart.

 

The reason I say that this could help your healing is because when you view him as "the one" or your "soulmate", you are feeling a great loss. You feel that this person was a positive force in your life, and you miss him. You grieve for the future that you won't have. You have all these questions about why he did this to you, and if you really mattered to him. If you honestly look at this man and realize that he is not that great of a guy, he has a lot of issues, he lies, cheats, etc., maybe this won't feel so much like a loss. You may come to see that you have lost someone that probably wasn't that great of a person. Maybe you even dodged a bullet?

[Fluttershy]

And this is why many people need to get honest with their spouses and face the music like adults. You are stuck on a carrousel that is going nowhere. Your very thoughts are consumed with your MM and you are still justifying and rationalizing why you can't go NC. Get off the carrousel and get on a real horse. Start making choices thatare good for you. Start taking control of your thought life and emotions. Identify what triggers your negative emotionsand starts the cycle and take care of that.

 

Don't expect things to get better while you change nothing about yourself or your situation.

 

Take this time to block his email. And stay strong. He is toxic to your life and you to his.

[Devastated1969]

Just a thought, that may be able to help in your healing.

 

Mickey, have you ever considered that your affair is not genuine love on your part, but about a need for validation and attention? I'm not talking about the MM and if he really loved you, I'm talking about your feelings for him.

 

The reason I say this is that when we truly love someone, we don't want them to suffer or struggle. We want them to be happy and content. Even if they make choices we don't agree with.

 

I know that you are feeling hurt & pain and it will comfort you in some way if he is feeling it, too. I get that.

 

But, what if these feelings that you are having are not because you lost a man that you genuinely love? What if what you are missing is not HIM (the flawed man), but the way he made you feel?

 

He certainly had the ability to inspire very strong feelings in you. So I ask yourself to consider... do you really love this man? Do you want a man with his character, his integrity?

 

It's very possible that you are calling this "love" because he is one man that had the ability to inspire such intense & strong feelings in you. He is a guy that is REALLY good at meeting your needs. He filled you up emotionally and made you feel good. But is that love? I think love is when you have each other's best interests at heart.

 

The reason I say that this could help your healing is because when you view him as "the one" or your "soulmate", you are feeling a great loss. You feel that this person was a positive force in your life, and you miss him. You grieve for the future that you won't have. You have all these questions about why he did this to you, and if you really mattered to him. If you honestly look at this man and realize that he is not that great of a guy, he has a lot of issues, he lies, cheats, etc., maybe this won't feel so much like a loss. You may come to see that you have lost someone that probably wasn't that great of a person. Maybe you even dodged a bullet?

 

QS, I think this is a well written and thought out post and something that has helped me no end in my healing. Whilst my situation was much shorter than both Waverly and Mickey, I have tried hard to use this to redirect my thoughts away from him, to stop putting him in a place in my heart and mind that is simply not where he belongs. I still have down days and sadness but I am determined to move on and learn from this.

[trailrunner1975]

Can't speak for all Men but I heard they feel just like we do when the A ends... Just in different ways. Men tend to try and surpress and move on but if you don't deal w/ your emotions and admit to yourself "I miss so and so"... It's going to be harder to forget.

 

That just my opinion although I wish more guys chimed in on how they felt about the AP after it ends.

 

Ex mm ap here. When mine ended I was a mess. She was unusually cruel during this time so it pushed me to NC very fast. Luckily I had a timeline so I was somewhat prepared when she started being rude and pushing me away. We were best friends since childhood too so it is as if she passed away. In a way she did as who she is now is not who I grew up with. As to how men feel it depends on the man. In my case I feel indifferent now and nc got me here.

[Quiet Storm]

Waverly, I think remaining in contact is keeping you stuck.

 

Hope is not always a good thing, because it stops you from emotionally moving on.

 

Think about the missing plane in the news right now. Those families do not have answers, and many of them still have hope their family members are alive. This hope doesn't allow them to properly grieve, because it just seems wrong for them to let go without answers. Imagine if this goes on for months or even years? These families will be stuck in limbo, missing their loved ones, but not fully grieving because that hope is keeping them stuck. The constant theories & speculation give that hope a boost, followed by a let down when it turns out to be nothing.

 

It is very similar with the end of a relationship. If you still have hope, your mind isn't free to accept & move on. The texts and phone calls give your mind that boost of hope, and keep your mind going with theories and speculation. Then when he doesn't respond, you are let down & wondering what happened. Instead of properly grieving and moving on, you are thinking what if? These thoughts just do not allow you to move on. You need to free your mind of him, and the only way to do that is no contact.

Edited April 15, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Waverly]

Once I become an established member, I'll share more. Who knows----we may be neighbors! LOL

 

Slap me and hate me for saying this, Waverly, but I do not think your exMM has gone NC for good. Mine has, but I feel that yours will be contacting you again. He had a d-day and I'm at 11 or 12 weeks (OMG, I lost count), but you are only at three weeks. Chances are good he will be back. Not sure if that is good or bad???????????????

 

I'm honestly not sure if it's good or bad. Of course, I still want to know that he's ok, and yes, there will always be a part of me that hopes for something with him. Just like there always was something in me that hoped for that. That's the dilemma -- I know I need to move on, and I'm trying, but I genuinely do get caught up on the fact that I've always felt this way about him (and he about me).

 

I am NOT trying to open myself up here to talking about telling my husband or whether I should leave him or not. Relevant or not, it's just not really a conversational rabbit hole that I feel like diving into at the moment. My xAP and I just have such a long history, and NC started so strangely (in my mind, at least). I just was curious how it compares to other stories.

 

Mickey, to your point though...I genuinely don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. Part of me thinks that of COURSE I will, just because of the whole background of it all, and because I know him. But I also know how much this was tearing him up, how badly he wants to be a full-time dad, and what a hard time he was having trying to "fix" his marriage and his life there. He can be very black and white about things, and I think this is a situation like that for him -- if he has to do things right there, that means there can't be any more contact. In his words, talking to me "invalidates" his life.

[veritas lux mea]

When I stopped giving xMM so much head space I started to actually make progress in my life. That meant I stopped tryingto figure out what he was thinking or feeling or doing. He really means nothing to me. I no longer "look" for him or hope he contacts me. He really and truly is dead to me and as harah as that sounds it isn't that I wish ill on him it is just that in this world he is just another joe on the street.

 

My husband is my best friend and lover. And he deserves all of me and so that meant I had to give up all connections mental or tangible to xMM.

[Mickey1982]

I'm honestly not sure if it's good or bad. Of course, I still want to know that he's ok, and yes, there will always be a part of me that hopes for something with him. Just like there always was something in me that hoped for that. That's the dilemma -- I know I need to move on, and I'm trying, but I genuinely do get caught up on the fact that I've always felt this way about him (and he about me).

 

I am NOT trying to open myself up here to talking about telling my husband or whether I should leave him or not. Relevant or not, it's just not really a conversational rabbit hole that I feel like diving into at the moment. My xAP and I just have such a long history, and NC started so strangely (in my mind, at least). I just was curious how it compares to other stories.

 

Mickey, to your point though...I genuinely don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. Part of me thinks that of COURSE I will, just because of the whole background of it all, and because I know him. But I also know how much this was tearing him up, how badly he wants to be a full-time dad, and what a hard time he was having trying to "fix" his marriage and his life there. He can be very black and white about things, and I think this is a situation like that for him -- if he has to do things right there, that means there can't be any more contact. In his words, talking to me "invalidates" his life.

 

 

I'm with ya, Waverly. I think we are both still very early on in the NC process to expect a huge amount of recovery or a readiness to compeltely let go. I know I am not. There's lot's of great advice on here and I am grateful for that. But, we all heal differently aand no two affairs (albeit similiar) are ever the same. I just want to stop thinking about him so much--that's about all I want right now.

[Mickey1982]

Just a thought, that may be able to help in your healing.

 

Mickey, have you ever considered that your affair is not genuine love on your part, but about a need for validation and attention? I'm not talking about the MM and if he really loved you, I'm talking about your feelings for him.

 

The reason I say this is that when we truly love someone, we don't want them to suffer or struggle. We want them to be happy and content. Even if they make choices we don't agree with.

 

I know that you are feeling hurt & pain and it will comfort you in some way if he is feeling it, too. I get that.

 

But, what if these feelings that you are having are not because you lost a man that you genuinely love? What if what you are missing is not HIM (the flawed man), but the way he made you feel?

 

He certainly had the ability to inspire very strong feelings in you. So I ask yourself to consider... do you really love this man? Do you want a man with his character, his integrity?

 

It's very possible that you are calling this "love" because he is one man that had the ability to inspire such intense & strong feelings in you. He is a guy that is REALLY good at meeting your needs. He filled you up emotionally and made you feel good. But is that love? I think love is when you have each other's best interests at heart.

 

The reason I say that this could help your healing is because when you view him as "the one" or your "soulmate", you are feeling a great loss. You feel that this person was a positive force in your life, and you miss him. You grieve for the future that you won't have. You have all these questions about why he did this to you, and if you really mattered to him. If you honestly look at this man and realize that he is not that great of a guy, he has a lot of issues, he lies, cheats, etc., maybe this won't feel so much like a loss. You may come to see that you have lost someone that probably wasn't that great of a person. Maybe you even dodged a bullet?

 

 

Quiet Storm, I do believe I loved him and if I am being honest, I still do. I will admit that I saw a side to him that I had not witnessed before his d-day, but it was not enough to erase three years of shared love and memories.

 

I can call him a cheater, a liar and a flawed man, but a heart feels what a heart feels. His wife can call him the same, but she chose to not to toss him out either. I don't believe it was the attention or validation I was seeking. I wish it was. It would make this much easier.

 

Maybe someday I'll see things differently. I don't know. All I can say is that I am human...and I love---HIM.

[movingon45]

Waverly, I think remaining in contact is keeping you stuck.

 

Hope is not always a good thing, because it stops you from emotionally moving on.

 

Think about the missing plane in the news right now. Those families do not have answers, and many of them still have hope their family members are alive. This hope doesn't allow them to properly grieve, because it just seems wrong for them to let go without answers. Imagine if this goes on for months or even years? These families will be stuck in limbo, missing their loved ones, but not fully grieving because that hope is keeping them stuck. The constant theories & speculation give that hope a boost, followed by a let down when it turns out to be nothing.

 

It is very similar with the end of a relationship. If you still have hope, your mind isn't free to accept & move on. The texts and phone calls give your mind that boost of hope, and keep your mind going with theories and speculation. Then when he doesn't respond, you are let down & wondering what happened. Instead of properly grieving and moving on, you are thinking what if? These thoughts just do not allow you to move on. You need to free your mind of him, and the only way to do that is no contact.

 

 

Oh Quiet Storm, you have nailed it with what you just wrote! Thanks for this.

 

I have a very long history with my exMM: grade school classmates, college sweethearts, had EA when we were both married, reconnected during a class reunion 5 years ago and PA (3 times), on and off, NC and LC been there done that. Blocked and unblocked him. Removed from my contact and back again.

 

I thought I had closure when he sent me a musical composition on guitar and he said that I will always have a place in his heart but with that romantic closure how could one move on?

 

One time he got impatient when I was so indecisive re separating from my husband. He said "don't text ever". (Before that he's always been giving me advice on what to do whether or not I remain married.) With that I thought it was really over because now it came from him and I felt that it was what I needed. But then he texted again after a day and said that when he texted that he was having a severe asthma attack and was driving himself to ER so he was irritable.

 

So we're back to texting I guess EA? But I have stopped second guessing his motives and thoughts. With our long history I feel that he will always be a part of me.

 

I'm on IC and during my first session my therapist said that I should stop all contacts until I see her again this Sunday. I thought I could do it because that's when he texted that "don't text ever", but after two texts I responded because I wanted closure I guess? I wanted to know why he texted don't text ever.

 

My ExMM is happily married with two great kids and has no plans of leaving his family so I should really move on. Besides I always feel miserable after he texts about his life because by pure coincidence what he currently does is what I want my husband to do. For ex: he'd text that he's building a shelf for his house. Well I've been asking my husband to buy that shelf.

 

NC is very hard to do, but yes, it's needed to move on to live in the moment!

[Waverly]

I'm with ya, Waverly. I think we are both still very early on in the NC process to expect a huge amount of recovery or a readiness to compeltely let go. I know I am not. There's lot's of great advice on here and I am grateful for that. But, we all heal differently aand no two affairs (albeit similiar) are ever the same. I just want to stop thinking about him so much--that's about all I want right now.

 

Mickey, your last sentence pretty much sums it up. I'm doing all the textbook "recovery" things, and yet, he is still in my head all the time. It's driving me crazy. My (new) therapist keeps reminding me to not beat myself up for having these thoughts -- they're just thoughts, after all -- and instead to just take a few deep breaths, let them go, and try to re-engage in my actual life. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying, and I know one day he won't be taking up as much space in my head, but it is just interminably slow trying to get there.

[Waverly]

Oh Quiet Storm, you have nailed it with what you just wrote! Thanks for this.

 

I have a very long history with my exMM: grade school classmates, college sweethearts, had EA when we were both married, reconnected during a class reunion 5 years ago and PA (3 times), on and off, NC and LC been there done that. Blocked and unblocked him. Removed from my contact and back again.

 

I thought I had closure when he sent me a musical composition on guitar and he said that I will always have a place in his heart but with that romantic closure how could one move on?

 

One time he got impatient when I was so indecisive re separating from my husband. He said "don't text ever". (Before that he's always been giving me advice on what to do whether or not I remain married.) With that I thought it was really over because now it came from him and I felt that it was what I needed. But then he texted again after a day and said that when he texted that he was having a severe asthma attack and was driving himself to ER so he was irritable.

 

So we're back to texting I guess EA? But I have stopped second guessing his motives and thoughts. With our long history I feel that he will always be a part of me.

 

I'm on IC and during my first session my therapist said that I should stop all contacts until I see her again this Sunday. I thought I could do it because that's when he texted that "don't text ever", but after two texts I responded because I wanted closure I guess? I wanted to know why he texted don't text ever.

 

My ExMM is happily married with two great kids and has no plans of leaving his family so I should really move on. Besides I always feel miserable after he texts about his life because by pure coincidence what he currently does is what I want my husband to do. For ex: he'd text that he's building a shelf for his house. Well I've been asking my husband to buy that shelf.

 

NC is very hard to do, but yes, it's needed to move on to live in the moment!

 

movingon, thanks for sharing your story. There's a lot in there that I relate to. The long history makes it hard to accept that this person just can't be a part of my life anymore. I've spent a lot of time beating myself up for ruining what was always an important friendship.

 

And yes! Hearing about his life was so hard. There wasn't a lot of overlap in terms of what he was doing versus what I wanted my husband to do, but I always just hated hearing about his day to day life after the A ended. I ended up just feeling sad and jealous that I wasn't a part of it.

 

What's your goal with your xMM? Are you trying to be friends? I'm still solidly in NC, but yes, it is HARD.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, your last sentence pretty much sums it up. I'm doing all the textbook "recovery" things, and yet, he is still in my head all the time. It's driving me crazy. My (new) therapist keeps reminding me to not beat myself up for having these thoughts -- they're just thoughts, after all -- and instead to just take a few deep breaths, let them go, and try to re-engage in my actual life. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying, and I know one day he won't be taking up as much space in my head, but it is just interminably slow trying to get there.

 

 

Yep! And, like you, Waverly, (I am fairly sure you mentioned this somewhere about yourself), I work from home which certainly does not help. I do not have enough distractions to keep me focused and avoid thoughts of him popping into my head every few minutes (seconds, perhaps?). He used to call me everyday at 8:30 am from his home office as I sat at my desk in my home office. I am now sitting on my sofa with my lap top at 8:30 beacuse I can't bear to be in my home office at my desk. It's insane.

 

I still see things that make me think. Hear things that make me remember. I go from fine to a total panic attack over the lost person in my life that I grew to love. People have asked me---was it really love?????? I know I loved HIM. I know he loved me.

 

I have my weekly appt with my therapist later today. She will once again remind me to get angry at him to try to help me move on. But, I'm not an angry person and honestly, as much he hurt me, it doesn't cancel out over three years of happiness. I don't regret him----not at all. Not even one tiny bit after all this pain. I may regret the ‘way’ we went about doing things, but how can I get so angry and regret someone who caused me such excitement and smiles. HOURS and HOURS of heart felt conversation we shared. Every single meeting and conversation was amazing.

 

My therapist will ask me if I have deleted the e-mails and voice mails and pictures---nope, not yet. Can't do it. They still hold too much of my heart.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Mickey1982

[Waverly]

Yep! And, like you, Waverly, (I am fairly sure you mentioned this somewhere about yourself), I work from home which certainly does not help. I do not have enough distractions to keep me focused and avoid thoughts of him popping into my head every few minutes (seconds, perhaps?). He used to call me everyday at 8:30 am from his home office as I sat at my desk in my home office. I am now sitting on my sofa with my lap top at 8:30 beacuse I can't bear to be in my home office at my desk. It's insane.

 

I still see things that make me think. Hear things that make me remember. I go from fine to a total panic attack over the lost person in my life that I grew to love. People have asked me---was it really love?????? I know I loved HIM. I know he loved me.

 

I have my weekly appt with my therapist later today. She will once again remind me to get angry at him to try to help me move on. But, I'm not an angry person and honestly, as much he hurt me, it doesn't cancel out over three years of happiness. I don't regret him----not at all. Not even one tiny bit after all this pain. I may regret the ‘way’ we went about doing things, but how can I get so angry and regret someone who caused me such excitement and smiles. HOURS and HOURS of heart felt conversation we shared. Every single meeting and conversation was amazing.

 

My therapist will ask me if I have deleted the e-mails and voice mails and pictures---nope, not yet. Can't do it. They still hold too much of my heart.

 

I do work from home, which (as you well know) has its pluses and minuses. One of the BIG minuses is exactly what you're describing -- even though I have plenty of work to do, there's something inherently isolating about sitting in an office in my house all day. No matter how many emails I write or phone calls I make, it's ultimately still just me alone in the room, and alone in my head. My work has suffered more than I'd like to admit over the last few months. I'm just not able to focus. It's getting better, but again, at a snails pace.

 

Fine to total panic attack? You just described my life. I can tell myself every rational thing under the sun -- every bit of it true -- about how it was obviously not meant to be, about how I need to move on, about how he is choosing not to talk to me right now (ever?), but I still get randomly floored by these moments of just flat-out panic that I've irrevocably screwed up my entire life. I think you mentioned that you and your xAP dated years ago. Do you have those same types of thoughts? I had my chance with mine at many points over the years, and it was never the "right" timing. I obsess now that I messed it all up, that I could have gotten it "right". (In addition, I now have the worry about my own marriage and kids. I'll spare you that mind**** right now.)

 

Anger...is not really my thing either. Part of me thinks it would be easier if I could get there, but I'm just not. I have moments of anger at particular things he said, but overall? It's just sadness.

[Quiet Storm]

Yep! And, like you, Waverly, (I am fairly sure you mentioned this somewhere about yourself), I work from home which certainly does not help. I do not have enough distractions to keep me focused and avoid thoughts of him popping into my head every few minutes (seconds, perhaps?). He used to call me everyday at 8:30 am from his home office as I sat at my desk in my home office. I am now sitting on my sofa with my lap top at 8:30 beacuse I can't bear to be in my home office at my desk. It's insane.

 

I still see things that make me think. Hear things that make me remember. I go from fine to a total panic attack over the lost person in my life that I grew to love. People have asked me---was it really love?????? I know I loved HIM. I know he loved me.

 

I have my weekly appt with my therapist later today. She will once again remind me to get angry at him to try to help me move on. But, I'm not an angry person and honestly, as much he hurt me, it doesn't cancel out over three years of happiness. I don't regret him----not at all. Not even one tiny bit after all this pain. I may regret the ‘way’ we went about doing things, but how can I get so angry and regret someone who caused me such excitement and smiles. HOURS and HOURS of heart felt conversation we shared. Every single meeting and conversation was amazing.

 

My therapist will ask me if I have deleted the e-mails and voice mails and pictures---nope, not yet. Can't do it. They still hold too much of my heart.

 

I think it is doing you a disservice to focus on all the good things. People change, relationships evolve. Anyone facing any breakup or divorce can remember good times, hours of conversation and excitement. None of that changes the outcome, though, or fixes the problems that led to the end of the relationship. Abused women will ignore the beatings, and only focus on his good side, the apologies and how romantic he is when he is making it up to them. This thought process can keep women stuck in horrible relationships for years. I know you are not being abused, but the thought process is similar- I will focus on the good things, and ignore the bad, because I love this man, and want to be with him, even if he is bad for me. It's an unhealthy bargain to make with yourself.

 

You love the man that he was, but he is no longer willing to be that man for you. That truth doesn't negate the time you shared together. It doesn't mean all your good times were fake. It just means that this chapter of your life & his life is over. He is moving on to the next chapter in his book by reconciling. You are re-reading that chapter over & over again, which is preventing you from living the next chapter of your life.

 

It's like a flower. It grows and thrives and is beautiful and fragrant. But then it dies and turns into a dried out crumbling mess. The death doesn't cancel out the fact that it was once a beautiful flower. It's OK to remember & acknowledge the beauty that was once there, but it would be a little extreme to put a vase of dead flowers on your dining room table. You need to see those happy times IN CONTEXT, which means you can't ignore the end, and how he treated you. Doing that creates a distorted reality. It keeps you from getting angry, and keeps you from moving on.

 

 

how can I get so angry and regret someone who caused me such excitement and smiles

 

This is another example of why I think this could be more about attention & validation. You are not seeing this guy's character, or even considering what kind of guy he must be to cheat on his wife, lie, sneak, abandon you. Instead you are focusing on the FEELINGS that he inspired in you. It's like you are saying "Who care's if the man that I love is a selfish, inconsiderate, conflict avoiding cheater that doesn't even want to talk to me anymore and wasted THREE years of my life?! He made me feel good, he paid attention to me, he talked to me for hours SO I LOVE HIM!"

 

You are basically saying, he is not a good person, but so what? He made me feel good, paid attention to me, knew how to make me feel loved, talked to me a lot, so I will love him forever. There are lots of losers, felons, addicts, sociopaths, cheaters, etc. that have a talent for making women feel loved & cherished... but that doesn't make them worthy of you.

 

For most people, the goal in relationships is not just to find someone that loves you. It's to find a good person that is worthy of your love. This guy is not worthy, and he has shown you that.

 

Now all you have to do is believe him.

 

.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Mickey1982]

I think it is doing you a disservice to focus on all the good things. People change, relationships evolve. Anyone facing any breakup or divorce can remember good times, hours of conversation and excitement. None of that changes the outcome, though, or fixes the problems that led to the end of the relationship. Abused women will ignore the beatings, and only focus on his good side, the apologies and how romantic he is when he is making it up to them. This thought process can keep women stuck in horrible relationships for years. I know you are not being abused, but the thought process is similar- I will focus on the good things, and ignore the bad, because I love this man, and want to be with him, even if he is bad for me. It's an unhealthy bargain to make with yourself.

 

You love the man that he was, but he is no longer willing to be that man for you. That truth doesn't negate the time you shared together. It doesn't mean all your good times were fake. It just means that this chapter of your life & his life is over. He is moving on to the next chapter in his book by reconciling. You are re-reading that chapter over & over again, which is preventing you from living the next chapter of your life.

 

It's like a flower. It grows and thrives and is beautiful and fragrant. But then it dies and turns into a dried out crumbling mess. The death doesn't cancel out the fact that it was once a beautiful flower. It's OK to remember & acknowledge the beauty that was once there, but it would be a little extreme to put a vase of dead flowers on your dining room table. You need to see those happy times IN CONTEXT, which means you can't ignore the end, and how he treated you. Doing that creates a distorted reality. It keeps you from getting angry, and keeps you from moving on.

 

 

 

This is another example of why I think this could be more about attention & validation. You are not seeing this guy's character, or even considering what kind of guy he must be to cheat on his wife, lie, sneak, abandon you. Instead you are focusing on the FEELINGS that he inspired in you. It's like you are saying "Who care's if the man that I love is a selfish, inconsiderate, conflict avoiding cheater that doesn't even want to talk to me anymore and wasted THREE years of my life?! He made me feel good, he paid attention to me, he talked to me for hours SO I LOVE HIM!"

 

You are basically saying, he is not a good person, but so what? He made me feel good, paid attention to me, knew how to make me feel loved, talked to me a lot, so I will love him forever. There are lots of losers, felons, addicts, sociopaths, cheaters, etc. that have a talent for making women feel loved & cherished... but that doesn't make them worthy of you.

 

For most people, the goal in relationships is not just to find someone that loves you. It's to find a good person that is worthy of your love. This guy is not worthy, and he has shown you that.

 

Now all you have to do is believe him.

 

.

 

 

Quiet Storm, he abandoned me in the end, but he stuck by me thru a serious illness and the unexpected death of my sister when he didn't have to. Doesn't that count for something?????? He could have abandoned me then, but he suppported me as best he could LD.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Mickey1982

[BrokenPrincess]

I used to work from home during and post A and boy was that excruciating in the early days of NC. I had a friend who worked elsewhere but remote too & I invited myself to her house a few times to plug in when my head was just too messed up to be alone in my house. Do you have any options like that to help distract you?

 

With time I was also able to replace some of those daily routines xAP & I used to do "together" (virtually). I also forced myself to call a coworker instead when I needed to bounce ideas, vent, gossip, just chit chat or whatever. This actually really helped me build much, much closer relationships with a few of my peers and I'm really happy about that now, even after I've left the company, we keep in touch

[Devastated1969]

Quiet Storm, he abandoned me in the end, but he stuck by me thru a serious illness and the unexpected death of my sister when he didn't have to. Doesn't that count for something?????? He could have abandoned me then, but he suppported me as best he could LD.

 

Mickey, so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. That must have been awful for you. Big hugs xxxxx

[Quiet Storm]

Quiet Storm, he abandoned me in the end, but he stuck by me thru a serious illness and the unexpected death of my sister when he didn't have to. Doesn't that count for something?????? He could have abandoned me then, but he suppported me even LD.

 

 

But that's because at that point in time, he didn't see you as a threat. You benefited his life. But in reality, all along you were a threat to his real life. He just ignored that little fact, like most MM do, because his brain was flooded with romance & excitement. He wanted to be able to have both- his marriage & family and a devoted other woman.

 

So as long as he could have both, you were loved & cherished by him. But he can't have both now. Do you think he still would've been there for you through your illness if his wife had found out and threatened divorce?

 

All of the time you were together, he was happy & content to be with you and support you, but it was all contingent on his home life being intact, his wife unaware, his kids unaffected.

 

Do you see how unfair that is to you? For him to put you in a position (consciously or not), where your relationship and your future were dependent upon how good he could lie to his wife and how successful he was at compartmentalizing? You could be the most attentive woman in the world, the best cook, an unselfish & faithful lover, an understanding friend... and he could love & appreciate all of that. But, when his real life is on the line, his loyalty changed in a second. THAT is what you should pay attention to. Where does his loyalty lie? You can depend on him. He loved you when it was convenient, but now that love is a hardship.

 

It's kind of like a person who casually uses cocaine, without much affect at all on his real life. He just uses it to party on the weekends. As long as there are no consequences, he'd enjoy it forever. But if he gets caught & charged with possession, of if his employer tests him & his job is threatened... he will realize that it's not worth it. Up until that point, it was Let's Party!, but once those consequences are felt, it's BUZZKILL.

 

So while I don't think he was faking when he was supportive of you, I think that attention & love he gave was never dependable. The relationship was always shaky, because of the foundation. It's foundation was always dependent on outside forces, so the intensity of your feelings for each other was really redundant (in terms of outcome anyway). No matter how many bricks of love, care, support, time, admiration that you stacked up to build your relationship, all it took was one crumbling brick at the bottom to bring it all down.

 

So you are hanging onto all these words & moments, as proof that he loves you. And I'm not arguing that. At the time, he was all about loving you, talking to you, pleasing you and supporting you. And you felt that from him and reciprocated.

 

But that has all changed now. He did not value his relationship with you more than his family. He can't have both anymore, because it's too much of a risk.

 

From your perspective, this was a real relationship with two people who loved & cared for each other and were working towards being together. From his perspective, this was a real relationship with two people who loved & cared for each other, as long as it did not threaten his home life. Once your relationship became a liability, the love was not as important as saving his family. I'm sure he misses you and wishes he could still have both, but it's not an option for him right now.

 

I'm sorry, Mickey, I know it hurts. I am not trying to invalidate your relationship because I know it was very important to you. I can just see you are stuck in your healing, and reliving all the good times is making it worse.

[movingon45]

movingon, thanks for sharing your story. There's a lot in there that I relate to. The long history makes it hard to accept that this person just can't be a part of my life anymore. I've spent a lot of time beating myself up for ruining what was always an important friendship.

 

And yes! Hearing about his life was so hard. There wasn't a lot of overlap in terms of what he was doing versus what I wanted my husband to do, but I always just hated hearing about his day to day life after the A ended. I ended up just feeling sad and jealous that I wasn't a part of it.

 

What's your goal with your xMM? Are you trying to be friends? I'm still solidly in NC, but yes, it is HARD.

 

Waverly,

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one having difficulty hearing about an XMM's day to day life.

 

I don't really know what the goal is. To fill the gap that my husband can't fill? They are totally opposites and I like the attention and sweetness from the XMM. I know though about A in a vacuum. I know in my head that I have to give him up and live in the moment.

 

Let's see how my second IC goes this Sunday.

[Waverly]

I used to work from home during and post A and boy was that excruciating in the early days of NC. I had a friend who worked elsewhere but remote too & I invited myself to her house a few times to plug in when my head was just too messed up to be alone in my house. Do you have any options like that to help distract you?

 

With time I was also able to replace some of those daily routines xAP & I used to do "together" (virtually). I also forced myself to call a coworker instead when I needed to bounce ideas, vent, gossip, just chit chat or whatever. This actually really helped me build much, much closer relationships with a few of my peers and I'm really happy about that now, even after I've left the company, we keep in touch

 

It's the worst, isn't it? As if I don't have enough of a mess in my head, I am then left alone all day to just let it go around and around. I swear, I have spent more time this winter staring blankly out of my office window and crying than I ever imagined possible.

 

I don't have any local friends in a similar situation, but I've been trying to get out more, especially now that the weather is finally warming up. I'll work sometimes in a coffee shop or just take more breaks and go out and play with my kids for a while. Luckily, I have a fair number of calls most days with my co-workers, so I can usually count on that as a distraction.

 

I totally understand what you and Mickey both mean though... It's strange, really, considering my xAP has never actually been in my house. But I do the same thing as it sounds like both of you went/are going through -- I sit on the couch in the office and remember sitting there talking on the phone with him, and I still reflexively check my email eight million times a day, even though I know I won't hear from him. I have a book that he gave me on the shelf above my desk, and I just can't bring myself to throw it out yet. For someplace that he's never been, it's still really hard to shake the memories of him everywhere.

[Devastated1969]

It's the worst, isn't it? As if I don't have enough of a mess in my head, I am then left alone all day to just let it go around and around. I swear, I have spent more time this winter staring blankly out of my office window and crying than I ever imagined possible.

 

I don't have any local friends in a similar situation, but I've been trying to get out more, especially now that the weather is finally warming up. I'll work sometimes in a coffee shop or just take more breaks and go out and play with my kids for a while. Luckily, I have a fair number of calls most days with my co-workers, so I can usually count on that as a distraction.

 

I totally understand what you and Mickey both mean though... It's strange, really, considering my xAP has never actually been in my house. But I do the same thing as it sounds like both of you went/are going through -- I sit on the couch in the office and remember sitting there talking on the phone with him, and I still reflexively check my email eight million times a day, even though I know I won't hear from him. I have a book that he gave me on the shelf above my desk, and I just can't bring myself to throw it out yet. For someplace that he's never been, it's still really hard to shake the memories of him everywhere.

 

Waverley, do you have any opportunity to work elsewhere? I work from home sometimes but thankfully also can work from multiple office locations and I've found it a huge help not to work from home these last few weeks. I can't imagine being at home every day dealing with the thought in our heads. Not sure I would cope at all. If you have any chance of working with others, please do that as it will help you no end.

[Waverly]

Waverley, do you have any opportunity to work elsewhere? I work from home sometimes but thankfully also can work from multiple office locations and I've found it a huge help not to work from home these last few weeks. I can't imagine being at home every day dealing with the thought in our heads. Not sure I would cope at all. If you have any chance of working with others, please do that as it will help you no end.

 

Not really, unfortunately. I'm a remote employee in the truest sense of it. My company's only office is about six hours away. I go up there every other month or so for a few days at a time, but (alas), it's in the town that I associate with my xAP -- it's where we met, spent months together, met up during the A, etc., etc.

 

For better or worse, we're getting into the busiest time of the year for me at work. I'm dreading it for a lot of reasons, one of them being that I'm ill-prepared for it after having been so out of it the last few months. It also coincides with when the A started a year ago, so I have all those anniversaries to look forward to as well.

 

I'm not trying to get any pity here; I know this is all my own doing. But it's been helpful to hear from everyone else. Thanks (as ever) for all of the support, my fellow LS'ers.

[Mickey1982]

It's the worst, isn't it? As if I don't have enough of a mess in my head, I am then left alone all day to just let it go around and around. I swear, I have spent more time this winter staring blankly out of my office window and crying than I ever imagined possible.

 

I don't have any local friends in a similar situation, but I've been trying to get out more, especially now that the weather is finally warming up. I'll work sometimes in a coffee shop or just take more breaks and go out and play with my kids for a while. Luckily, I have a fair number of calls most days with my co-workers, so I can usually count on that as a distraction.

 

I totally understand what you and Mickey both mean though... It's strange, really, considering my xAP has never actually been in my house. But I do the same thing as it sounds like both of you went/are going through -- I sit on the couch in the office and remember sitting there talking on the phone with him, and I still reflexively check my email eight million times a day, even though I know I won't hear from him. I have a book that he gave me on the shelf above my desk, and I just can't bring myself to throw it out yet. For someplace that he's never been, it's still really hard to shake the memories of him everywhere.

 

 

Waverly, I did the same thing all winter long. I never cried so much in my entire life---no illness, no death, no other circumstance in my life created more tears than this break up---as horrible as that is to admit.

 

My xMM has never been in my home either since since we were a long distance realtionship. But, the fact that he called me daily at a certain time while I sat in my office (I am a remote worker as well) is enough to create a trigger in there that I can't fight.

 

And, yes, the phone checking is not even close to stopping. Everday I wake up and think that maybe this will be the day.

 

And, of course I think maybe I'll get a Happy Easter---in my dreams.

 

Oh if I could turn back time!