whirl3daway Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) I wrote a bit about my ex previously. we have been having a lot of problems, and we are both exhausted from everything that's transpired between us. it all came to a head last night. I had gone out with a lady friend of mine on Thursday night. He expected me to make dinner at home. It got to the end of the day and I didn't feel like it, so I went out. He hadn't come home from work yet so I figured I'd be home before he came home but he got off early, so I didn't text him. but then he came home before I expected and got upset with me for not telling him I had gone out. my friend kept buying me shots so I accidentally ended up a bit more drunk than I wanted. he got worried and came to pick me up. during this stage, I told him that I wanted to break up, and that I was unhappy, that he didn't deserve me (previously he told me that he doesn't find me arousing, he doesn't like my body, he doesn't want to have sex with me, he thinks my boobs are too small, that my stomach is gross, that although I'm good in bed he doesn't desire me, all these things kinda broke me that night). he was very upset with me about that, but we didn't end up breaking up. i asked him if he wanted to, and he said no. he also didn't mention that he had any problems with me hanging out with my friend again. we were trying to make up, but i had to work all weekend long, so i didn't have a lot of time. on sunday, i mentioned i wanted to go to the mall to buy some new shoes and might take my lady friend with me. well, the sh it hit the fan when i said that. he said that he can't believe i would be so selfish, that i should put myself in his shoes and know that he would be upset if i hung out with her again. he was very upset that i hadn't made any real efforts to try and fix the relationship (i was at work fri/sat and sun, but i did bring him home some treats and go with him to his father's concert when i was feeling sick, and had been planning on buying him a few things at the mall and bringing him dinner home though). i said that i figured he would be upset if we went out drinking, not to the mall, and since he didn't communicate any of that with me, i didn't know, since i can't read minds. he said it doesn't take a mind-reader to know that. he called my friend a "white-trash bi#ch" and said that it was incredibly selfish and terrible of me to want to hang out with her after thursday night. i then said i wouldn't, and said that i didn't know he felt like this, but it was too late. he had already packed up all his stuff and left by the time i got home from work. yes, this was over text. i feel a mixture of emotions. yesterday, i felt a bit relieved. today it was hard waking up alone and feeling so lonely. it's rainy and gray out, which seems fitting. i made a protein shake and packed myself a lunch and came to work a bit earlier than i normally do. i miss him a lot today, and we texted a bit this morning (at 5am, because i thought he took my water filter) and he mentioned that he was feeling sad too. i don't really know what to do or say. we would have been together a year in july. i really thought he was the one for a long time. i feel exhausted by everything that's happened between us. i feel exhausted by the thought of having to start over. i feel exhausted at the thought of him not being in my life. i am independent and i will be okay in time. today, though, i feel empty. Edited April 14, 2014 by whirl3daway
zen2475 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I think you should count your blessings you are out of a relationship with this guy. He is controlling and abusive. He blame shifts, and he is selfish. I can't even begin to count the number of huge red flags I see in your post. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who will honor your boundaries, respect your friendships, not expect you to wait hand and foot on them, will honor you and build you up, as opposed to belittling you and tear you down. This was a seriously abusive relationship. You are lucky you got out before it escalated into something worse. Men like this rarely get better; their abuse only escalates and more often than not they become physically abusive. Abuse is never OK. Please read more about here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline: The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support Whatever, you do, please just cease contact with this guy and work on focusing on yourself. You have some healing to do, and there are plenty of resources to help you. I spent seven years in an abusive relationship. It took me years to get out of it, but it can be done and you will be healthier, happier person if you do with work on yourself. Just please stay away from this guy. You deserve better.
Author whirl3daway Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 I think you should count your blessings you are out of a relationship with this guy. He is controlling and abusive. He blame shifts, and he is selfish. I can't even begin to count the number of huge red flags I see in your post. it's funny, every time I post about my situation or tell someone about it, they say that he's abusive. and yet, he would always tell me about how abusive I am. I come from a background of child abuse, and I do have a lot of bad feelings inside me because of that. we have had problems with me drinking too much and being a jerk to him (happened about 2-3x). usually, it was never unwarranted - he lied to me about something relating to an ex, he told me that he isn't attracted to me, he chose to argue with me for hours and then try to break up with me about why he should help an ex out even after I said it made me uncomfortable. I'm not saying I was in the right, but I had my reasons for being a jerk. once we were out and a guy hit on me, and I didn't tell him til after we left the place. he then almost broke up with me because he said that I lied to him about the guy. I have a lot of stories like this. I think that he probably is abusive and controlling. his own mother told me that she was never able to discipline him when he was young - he was only ever interested in "winning" the arguments. he's still much the same way. it's all about his ego and his needs.
zen2475 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Him blaming you is part of his desire for control. He will put you down in order to control you and confuse you. He also sounds narcissistic. His put downs and sadism is classic narcissistic behavior. So is his wanting to "win" all the time. Narcissists like to bring others into their own inner turmoil, and do so by starting and perpetuating arguments. Sound familiar?
mammasita Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Good riddance!!!! No man who loves you would tell you anything near this previously he told me that he doesn't find me arousing, he doesn't like my body, he doesn't want to have sex with me, he thinks my boobs are too small, that my stomach is gross, that although I'm good in bed he doesn't desire me EVER
Author whirl3daway Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) Him blaming you is part of his desire for control. He will put you down in order to control you and confuse you. He also sounds narcissistic. His put downs and sadism is classic narcissistic behavior. So is his wanting to "win" all the time. Narcissists like to bring others into their own inner turmoil, and do so by starting and perpetuating arguments. Sound familiar? unfortunately, yes. my father is an undiagnosed NPD, and my ex-fiance showed signs of that himself. I think I have a penchant for attracting narcs. do you have any tips on how to avoid that next time around? another thing I remember reading about narcs is that they are deeply insecure about who they are at the root of their being, and that is my ex to a T. he doesn't feel good enough, but doesn't have the drive to fix his life up either. he would tell me about how he used to donate to charities and volunteer (never saw him do either of these things myself), he would tell me about how his ex gfs would always want to come back to him because he is the best boyfriend ever. he is thoughtful and liked to take care of me by making me meals, cleaning my car off sometimes, etc, but he said that he did those things because he wanted to be a good bf. not because he wanted to make me happy. I guess that's a sign too. he is highly intelligent and educated - he quit halfway through his pHD and has been floundering around since then. he works less than 30 hours a week at an ACT tutoring place. he is constantly judgmental of other people, and thinks he's better than everyone else in many ways. he is also quite good looking, and has a family that adores him regardless of how he acts. Edited April 14, 2014 by whirl3daway
zen2475 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Yes, another classic sign is them building themselves up, but usually their day to day behavior belies the stories about themselves. You probably attract this type of person because since you grew up with an undiagnosed NPD father, you probably had very little experience in the way of healthy boundaries. Someone who has self esteem and healthy boundaries doesn't allow this to happen to them. Trust me, I had to learn this the hard way. I had to do A LOT of inner work on myself so that I grew to love myself enough, and learned enough about these types of people, that I would never let myself get in a relationship with that type of person again. I literally spent years in therapy, but that was the very best thing I have ever done for myself. It's not easy, and you have to face some painful truths about your past and yourself. But it can be overcome. You don't have to live with this, and you can learn to truly live a happier life.
Author whirl3daway Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Good riddance!!!! No man who loves you would tell you anything near this EVER he said it to me first in october after we had a fight, and although it shattered me, i tried to deal with it and move on from it. he never apologized for saying those things to me - he's a believer in "being honest" regardless of who it hurts. but the second time was in december - we were very happy, and things were going well, and it came out of nowhere. it seemed like he just wanted to hurt me. then, it happened again after we went to pittsburgh over valentine's day and a drunk guy told me i could do better than him. exhausting. so exhausting.
Author whirl3daway Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 I had to do A LOT of inner work on myself so that I grew to love myself enough, and learned enough about these types of people, that I would never let myself get in a relationship with that type of person again. I literally spent years in therapy, but that was the very best thing I have ever done for myself. It's not easy, and you have to face some painful truths about your past and yourself. But it can be overcome. You don't have to live with this, and you can learn to truly live a happier life. oh gosh, you know what it's like. my self-esteem is basically nil - i'm trying very hard to get up to self love. it is so difficult for me. i grew up in an environment that did not teach me how to love myself at all - i have recently graduated (maybe) from a complete hatred of myself to perhaps a grudging acceptance that i am who i am, and i look the way i do. i am hesitantly seeing that i did not deserve a lot of the treatment i got from my ex, and that it was very unhealthy.
zen2475 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Sweetie, the "brutal honesty" is also all part of their game, and is an excuse to hurt others with seeming impunity.
Author whirl3daway Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 we talked a little bit. he asked me if I thought we did the right thing, and I told him that I didn't know, but that I was very sad regardless. he said that he misses me and he's sad too, but that he thinks this is the right thing for both of us. he also mentioned that he's feeling very emotionally exhausted, which I do as well. he is probably right, but I feel pretty broken up about it. I am not looking forward to going home and having to be alone in a place that was essentially our home (although my apartment, he stayed there every night). I've been through enough breakups to know that this will go away and that I will heal... but I feel somewhat devastated currently. perhaps I'll use this thread as a way to journal what is going through my head right now.
mammasita Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 we talked a little bit. he asked me if I thought we did the right thing, and I told him that I didn't know, but that I was very sad regardless. he said that he misses me and he's sad too, but that he thinks this is the right thing for both of us. he also mentioned that he's feeling very emotionally exhausted, which I do as well. he is probably right, but I feel pretty broken up about it. I am not looking forward to going home and having to be alone in a place that was essentially our home (although my apartment, he stayed there every night). I've been through enough breakups to know that this will go away and that I will heal... but I feel somewhat devastated currently. perhaps I'll use this thread as a way to journal what is going through my head right now. FIRST - you need to stop talking to him. Go home and re-arrange your furniture. Change your sheets. Do things to make it different.
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