RDawg Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Hello everyone Please can I have permission to contact my ex? I am 6 months post BU and 5 months strict no contact except for one email in January which was strictly business regarding the house we own together. I have made a lot of progress the past couple of months: working hard at my job, gotten fit through cycling and walking, meeting new people and just taking good care of myself. I have been in a FWB arrangement which I think is now time for us to end because my FWB finally gets the message that it's just sex and even though she pretends that's ok we both know it really isn't good for either of us. Sex without feelings is not sustainable, she wants more but I can't see myself falling in love with her.. Anyway. Point is I miss my ex. I miss our two dogs. I just want to see her for a catch up. Feels terrible having to be dead to someone you spent almost three years with.. So what do you guys say? Can I do it? Would that be ok? Just ask a cup of coffee together, no rehashing or begging. Just a chilled conversation with no expectations.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Do what feels right for u as u will only get told to stay NC ! x I contacted my ex the other week, never got anything back but honestly it didnt bother me and just proved how far I have come x Do what u feel is right as long as u can take the outcome x 2
BC1980 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I wouldn't recommend it because you are clearly not over her. What do you honestly hope to gain from seeing her?
d0nnivain Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Seeing her & the dogs will most likely make things worse. I wouldn't do it. 2
Arieswoman Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Can I contact my ex? No, RDawg, no-one here is going to give you a pass-out to go and see her. You have done so well with your new life, it would be a shame to spoil things by setting yourself back emotionally. Keep NC and all will work out.
Author RDawg Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Hmm no surprises here. @BC1980: what do I hope to get out of it? Well first and foremost I would like to have the pleasure of the interlude itself, of being able to see her and hear her voice, to hear her news and to hear how her family and some old mutual friends are doing. Naturally because I still love her and want her back I would like for it to lead to more contact and a reconciliation, but I'm pretty sure this is just a fantasy. Thing is, I've been hearing through the grape vine that she is also still struggling. I'm curious, I'd love to ask her if she is happier now and confident that she made the right decision. I'd love to tell her what the process has been like for me and how much I still miss her and long for her. I wish I could tell her everything, just be totally honest. Man, life and one's emotions are so complicated. I knew I wouldn't get any support for this idea. Maybe I just needed to say to all of you that I am struggling with this no contact thing. Maybe if I try and see her it will help kill the hope..
d0nnivain Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Naturally because I still love her and want her back I would like for it to lead to more contact and a reconciliation, but I'm pretty sure this is just a fantasy. Maybe if I try and see her it will help kill the hope.. Because you want to see her in the hopes of reconcilling, this is why you shouldn't. Since you know trying may kill your remaining hope, at least you are being realistic. Only you know which of these courses of action are going to enable youto look back years from now & be at peace with your decision.
Haydn Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I have stayed NC and it has worked. I did help her out but remained NC. You said what you expect to get from it which is good hear the honesty. I think you are doing great Rdawg. If you do get in touch with her and she says lets meet? Would you have any second thoughts? Toughie isn`t it? Take care friend. Hmm no surprises here. @BC1980: what do I hope to get out of it? Well first and foremost I would like to have the pleasure of the interlude itself, of being able to see her and hear her voice, to hear her news and to hear how her family and some old mutual friends are doing. Naturally because I still love her and want her back I would like for it to lead to more contact and a reconciliation, but I'm pretty sure this is just a fantasy. Thing is, I've been hearing through the grape vine that she is also still struggling. I'm curious, I'd love to ask her if she is happier now and confident that she made the right decision. I'd love to tell her what the process has been like for me and how much I still miss her and long for her. I wish I could tell her everything, just be totally honest. Man, life and one's emotions are so complicated. I knew I wouldn't get any support for this idea. Maybe I just needed to say to all of you that I am struggling with this no contact thing. Maybe if I try and see her it will help kill the hope..
Itspointless Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Of-course you can, just as HeartbrokenNewbie I have done this two weeks ago as she kept contacting me once a month. I got what I expected, but I am happy I told her the other side of the story. It still makes me sad, but in the end this is her loss. InnocentMan has said it really well some weeks ago, especially the part of the sentence I made bold. If you do decide on contact, I would refrain from being overly emotional, and be as pragmatic as possible. [...] be prepared for him to tell you things you may not like, or want to hear. Also be prepared for the fact that he well have met someone else. [...]The secret of breaking no contact, is to have full control of your emotions, and be clear in your mind about why you wish to speak to them. Be prepared for the worst, and accept it before it happens, and you will get through it with your dignity still intact.
jphcbpa Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 your fwb set up kept you from healing. end that, try 3 more months of NC and then see how you feel. be alone for 3 months, no hooking up or dating.
elseaacych Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) Maybe I just needed to say to all of you that I am struggling with this no contact thing. Maybe if I try and see her it will help kill the hope.. RDawg. No Contact is HARD. Why? Because the day to day sucks, and you don't know when you will ultimately feel better. However, the farther along you get, the more you can look back and say "Look how far I've come from this. I've done x, y, and z to recover from this emotional trauma." If you contact her, you don't know what's going to happen. There is a 97% probability that it will be bad for you. Why? Because she broke up with you, crushed your heart, and hasn't contacted you in five months. Does that sound like someone who cares about you and has your best interests at heart? Does that sound like someone who will give you fulfillment through any type of conversation? Break-ups, in a way, are a prisoner's dilemma in that you both are trying to get out of an unfulfilling relationship. Unfortunately, the dumper gets a head start in the healing because they started to game well before you did, suffered, and healed, likely before they broke up with you. It is now your goal to get back on equal footing, if not better off than your dumper. The unfulfilling relationship you are trying to get out of is the dead end pining over someone who no longer cares for you in a way you want. By contacting her, you hand the keys to your emotions back to her. Since she's crushed you once, she may well crush you again. You also send her the message that you are willing to be crushed. Again. Think logically. She has not contacted you in five months. Is this enough to kill hope for you? What if you wait six months to contact her? A year? And she doesn't contact you? You haven't gotten crushed, but you have to wait it out to actually see what happens. In the meantime, you have been working to get to a better place so she can't crush you if she contacts you or you contact her. By doing so, you put yourself in a position of power where you are more likely to get what you want. The only way you can mitigate the damage in the long run is to stay quiet. It is a low risk/high reward strategy. Only by staying quiet, in the next few months, you will learn more about yourself and the relationship than you could ever imagine, without having to put yourself out there for the potential heartache. Play the long game. You've done a good job so far. Keep going. You can do it. Edited April 14, 2014 by elseaacych 2
KaliLove Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 But you do have expectations. You do have hope. Are you prepared to be slapped down if she a. doesn't respond, b. responds negatively, c. agrees but doesn't want to get back together, or d. has her new boyfriend respond for her? Are you going to be able to keep it together if one of those four things happens? 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Hello everyone Please can I have permission to contact my ex? I am 6 months post BU and 5 months strict no contact except for one email in January which was strictly business regarding the house we own together. I have made a lot of progress the past couple of months: working hard at my job, gotten fit through cycling and walking, meeting new people and just taking good care of myself. I have been in a FWB arrangement which I think is now time for us to end because my FWB finally gets the message that it's just sex and even though she pretends that's ok we both know it really isn't good for either of us. Sex without feelings is not sustainable, she wants more but I can't see myself falling in love with her.. Anyway. Point is I miss my ex. I miss our two dogs. I just want to see her for a catch up. Feels terrible having to be dead to someone you spent almost three years with.. So what do you guys say? Can I do it? Would that be ok? Just ask a cup of coffee together, no rehashing or begging. Just a chilled conversation with no expectations. Guess who hasn't been contacting you? Guess who hasn't tried to hang out? Guess who hasn't called to try again? Its done with. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. Contacting her now won't do anything or make her realize anything she lost. Of course there is expectations! You miss your ex and want her back. You want to meet.up in the attempt to get back with her at some point. You need to keep doing what you're doing. You don't need our permission to do anything. 2
BC1980 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Are you prepared to sacrifice your emotional well being by seeing her? I think you have lulled yourself into a false sense of security and think you can handle seeing her. 1
faithfully Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 She hasnt contacted you at all and she broke up with you. Does that not tell you something?? Am sure if she wanted to hear from you she would have been the first person to contact and the fact she hasnt should tell you she doesnt want to reconcile with you. You have done sooo well, and come a long way, why mess it up. Theres a post here today i read of some girl that contacted ex after a year or just less and it didnt work work so would you really want the same rejection. If you contact her and she rejects you, how many more times do you want to be rrjected by the same person. I wouldnt contact but thats just me 1
Author RDawg Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Thank you all so much for your responses. I will keep on with no contact, you are all right, I am in no state to reach out to her. She knows I love her and that I am truly remorseful for the mistakes I made. It is good to be reminded that she doesn't care for me or love me any longer. I had a really good cry when I came home and feel some release. I will end my FWB situation as cleanly and carefully as possible. I will continue to focus on myself, my health, friends and my family. Thanks again for the support. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 You can do whatever you want, but I don't think you are being honest with yourself in your motivations. And I truly believe that if you were really prepared to do it, you wouldn't have asked for permission, you would have done it. But yeah, it seems like bad idea jeans right now.
KaliLove Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Wait..so you're actually taking the advice you're getting from LS instead of coming on here, arguing with everyone, doing it anyway, and then getting seriously depressed when it doesn't work out? Hallelujah! A sane and rational person! Hooray for you! I'm glad you're going to end the FWB thing. You're acknowledging that it's hurting her and you want to do the right thing. Hooray for you again! Also, Simon, bad idea jeans made me snort diet coke through my nose. It hurt. Thanks a lot!
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