picnicinthepark Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 (edited) It's been over 3 months since the BU and things have gotten better but I still can't shake this feeling of a major void in my life. I have a lot on my mind (I haven't posted anything in a while on he forums) so please forgive me for the long post. I'm going to summarize my journey up to this point and I'd really appreciate any advice and support. The LS community has been so helpful through this difficult time in my life and I genuinely appreciate everything from you guys! My ex of almost 5 years ended things because her needs weren't being met yet she never communicated these issues. I'm not placing the blame solely on her since I know that we were both responsible for our part of the relationship. At the time I was unemployed and I wasn't myself. I neglected our relationship and was emotionally abusive. I wish she talked to me about these concerns of being too "comfortable" because as far as I was concerned, she was happy with our life. She brought up how we never did the things we used to do, we never went out, meet new people, etc. It was really hard for me to hear these things from her because I felt the same way but she had already made up her mind and anything I said wouldn't have changed anything. What hurt the most is that prior to the breakup I had decided that this new year (she went away for the christmas break) would be a fresh start. I had planned activities for us to do together (cooking classes, concerts, yoga, etc.) just like we used to. We had been living together for over a year in the city and sometimes we were just too busy with work and we always had our own things going on. Relationships aren't a walk in the park and I know this now more than ever. The BU really hit me hard. I had nothing and I was rock-bottom. I was unemployed, moved out of our apartment in the city, moved back home, and the person who I loved the most had just left me. The next few weeks were definitely the worst times of my life. The roller coaster of emotions I experienced is something I would never wish upon my greatest enemy. Eventually I picked myself up and started to move forward. I started training for a half-marathon, learning a new language, reading, anything to keep myself distracted. I spent a lot of time with friends and family which really helped. My other relationships had really suffered since being in a relationship for so long and they're something I've been consistently working on to improve. I continued to move forward day by day with a number of slips of NC on the way (all initiated by me, sent me right back to square one and quickly learned my lesson). Near the end of February I got a call from the general manager of my old company, they wanted me back. I spoke with the GM for a little bit and he got me up to speed with how the company was doing, where they were headed, where he saw me, etc. I got him up to speed with my life and he was extremely supportive and told me that whenever I was ready my job would be waiting for me. That very day I booked a ticket to Europe, left the next morning, and travelled for the next 3 weeks. I reunited with friends, met wonderful new people, saw amazing places, and had many great experiences. All the while I thought of her and remembered the dreams I had of us travelling the world together. At this point I had a better understanding of why our relationship broke down and I could finally accept what had happened. In the past month I have gotten a raise, bought a car, started playing soccer, joined a sailing club, but I'm still not happy. I'm doing everything I've always wanted to do but I still have this massive void in my life. I miss her so much and I don't know why I still have her on this pedestal. She consciously made the decision to give up on me and that she didn't want me in her life anymore. I want to be with someone who loves me and will fight for me. I've continued NC and removed her from all social media and I have no idea what is going on in her life. This has helped immensely but I find myself wondering whether or not she misses me, has she moved on, is she with someone else, etc. I miss her family and all the thing we used to do. They really made me feel like I was one of their own and we share a lot of the same values. I find myself thinking about them and wonder how they are doing. I know it doesn't matter but these thoughts consume me whenever I have a moment to myself. She has not once made an attempt to reach out to me. I miss my lover and partner but most importantly I miss my best friend. I'm trying my best to charge forward and live my life to the fullest but its so difficult. I have been trying to meet new people but my confidence is shot. I'm very independent so I'm not the kind of person who seeks help when they need it. I'm trying to change this so I've scheduled an appointment to see a therapist this coming week. Hopefully this will help sort out some of the issues I've been dealing with. Again I apologize for the long post but I hope this paints a better picture of what I've been going through and I'd truly appreciate your advice and support! I know everything is going to be okay but we all need to fall to learn how to pick ourselves up. I wish you all the best life! Edited April 13, 2014 by picnicinthepark
elseaacych Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 One day, everything have done and continue to do will be enough. Just keep telling yourself that. Time heals all wounds. But it is a slow healer. Treat yourself well and don't give up on love, life, or yourself. 1
lostfriend Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I am amswering this cause I feel like i am living her life. I left my bf of 17 years. Not because I didn't love him. Not because i wanted to but because I had to... Very different. I gave him signs all the months prior to our BU. But when i left the 1st time, he was so surprised. Weirdly I left and I thought he would fight for me and get me back. He didnt. After a few months I came back. But again, I didn't feel him. Didn't feel the fire. So i had to walk away. If he wants me them he has to show it. I have tried to reach him. If he really wants me them he knows how to reach me amd this time he'll habe to show. She might be very hurt. She might actually want to give it a shot. But show her why she should care about your life.
somegoodman Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I am amswering this cause I feel like i am living her life. I left my bf of 17 years. Not because I didn't love him. Not because i wanted to but because I had to... Very different. I gave him signs all the months prior to our BU. But when i left the 1st time, he was so surprised. Weirdly I left and I thought he would fight for me and get me back. He didnt. After a few months I came back. But again, I didn't feel him. Didn't feel the fire. So i had to walk away. If he wants me them he has to show it. I have tried to reach him. If he really wants me them he knows how to reach me amd this time he'll habe to show. She might be very hurt. She might actually want to give it a shot. But show her why she should care about your life. Just want to say that this is terrible advice and I hope the OP doesn't take it to heart. You don't have to show her anything except that she means nothing to you now and you're better off without her. You do this by never communicating with her in any fashion. The only way she'll ever come back is if she thinks you don't care about her anymore. 2
learning_slowly Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 If she was thinking about you, who really cares? As she's not thinking about you enough to do anything about it. It took me a while to realise that the best thing to do is pretend they are dead. We had a great time together, but she was accidentally gunned down. Pay your respects and stop living for somebody who is essentially dead to you. Even if you pulled up in a Ferrari and she wanted to get back with you, is that the type of girl you want to be with. Once you've figured it out, pay it forward and help the next you on here. And remember, you're worth it.
d0nnivain Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Grief doesn't have a time line. You seem to be doing everything "right" in terms of moving on but when you are used to having a built in best friend it leaves a huge void when they aren't there any more. That is what you are experiencing. Because you have slipped with the NC but didn't get a positive response, I am going to discourage you from reaching out again. Your prior slips should have indicated to her that you were changing & reaching out but since she didn't respond favorably. I ended a 12 year relationship several years ago. He chased me & did all the things I had complained that he never did. By then it was too little too late. The relationship had died from neglect & I was too heartbroken & angry to even say thank you for the efforts. All I could manage was -- please stop wasting your money; it won't work. She may be where I was . .. . just done. Keep doing what you are doing: focus on the good things, like your job & your trip. Continue being active. Eventually the pain will subside & you will be ready to love again. 1
Author picnicinthepark Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 I am amswering this cause I feel like i am living her life. I left my bf of 17 years. Not because I didn't love him. Not because i wanted to but because I had to... Very different. I gave him signs all the months prior to our BU. But when i left the 1st time, he was so surprised. Weirdly I left and I thought he would fight for me and get me back. He didnt. After a few months I came back. But again, I didn't feel him. Didn't feel the fire. So i had to walk away. If he wants me them he has to show it. I have tried to reach him. If he really wants me them he knows how to reach me amd this time he'll habe to show. She might be very hurt. She might actually want to give it a shot. But show her why she should care about your life. Thank you for your insight. I have to ask you, why didn't you just talk to him straight up about your needs? I don't think its logical to assume that our partner knows exactly what to do and when to do it. This was my mistake...
Author picnicinthepark Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 Just want to say that this is terrible advice and I hope the OP doesn't take it to heart. You don't have to show her anything except that she means nothing to you now and you're better off without her. You do this by never communicating with her in any fashion. The only way she'll ever come back is if she thinks you don't care about her anymore. Thank you for looking out for me. I welcome all advice. I'm not trying to use NC as a way to get her back and even if she did come back I don't think I would take her back. She has caused me so much pain and I don't think I could ever trust her again. This realization kills me. I know that its ultimately over but I won't accept it.
Author picnicinthepark Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 If she was thinking about you, who really cares? As she's not thinking about you enough to do anything about it. It took me a while to realise that the best thing to do is pretend they are dead. We had a great time together, but she was accidentally gunned down. Pay your respects and stop living for somebody who is essentially dead to you. Even if you pulled up in a Ferrari and she wanted to get back with you, is that the type of girl you want to be with. Once you've figured it out, pay it forward and help the next you on here. And remember, you're worth it. Thank you for the kind words. That idea is a little extreme but I understand what you're getting at.
Author picnicinthepark Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 Grief doesn't have a time line. You seem to be doing everything "right" in terms of moving on but when you are used to having a built in best friend it leaves a huge void when they aren't there any more. That is what you are experiencing. Because you have slipped with the NC but didn't get a positive response, I am going to discourage you from reaching out again. Your prior slips should have indicated to her that you were changing & reaching out but since she didn't respond favorably. I ended a 12 year relationship several years ago. He chased me & did all the things I had complained that he never did. By then it was too little too late. The relationship had died from neglect & I was too heartbroken & angry to even say thank you for the efforts. All I could manage was -- please stop wasting your money; it won't work. She may be where I was . .. . just done. Keep doing what you are doing: focus on the good things, like your job & your trip. Continue being active. Eventually the pain will subside & you will be ready to love again. Thank you for your perspective. I just don't understand how it got to the point of no return. Somewhere along the way her needs weren't being met and she chose to let it ride out. Its not always sunshine and lollipops, you need to work things out and not run when it gets rough. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there like an idiot completely oblivious and thinking everything is alright. Why couldn't you just sit down with your bf at the time and tell him what you wanted? Maybe he wanted the same things? Everything she was saying when she broke it off with me was exactly what I was thinking too. But at that point saying "I feel the same way" or "I want all of that too" wasn't going to change anything. There was no buildup to the breakup. There was no discussion. No second chance. We're strangers now.
lostfriend Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Many times I told him straight. But i guess he wasn't computing what I was saying. We weren't in the same place. I tried everything i could. One morning just got up and got enough of feeling not important enough... Now, if he wants us back well i have to feel that it's true and not just to habe me back amd go back to what it was. I want to feel it!!
TrappedWanderer Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Picnic-thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I feel so much the same. Unemployed when we broke up, had to move back home...which only compounded feel crappy. I even also spent 3 weeks in the UK with an old friend and am so grateful I did. Was so good to be somewhere new during that initial, horrific BU period. Just got a new job and will be moving in a month and cannot WAIT to start afresh. Though I have this nagging thought at the back of my mind, as you seem to-that this new adventure will be great, but it would have been so much better with my partner/best friend/love. One giant step forward, two steps back. At least we're moving. Hang on to that. Here's hoping that time really does heal all wounds.
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