How do I cope with friend getting together with crush?

[dudeguy56]

Why would you want to continue to be a weak person? And honestly, I don't know who the hell screwed you up, but they did a number on you. That was one of the more depressing things I've ever read. You are way too young to have such a defeatist attitude. I mean, if that's really how you think then maybe you are right, she doesn't like you. Because honestly, your attitude is one of the worst I've ever read and women will not be attracted to you if you actually believe the garbage you just typed.

 

You are 16 years old. Your life doesn't have to be like that. Your attitude and confidence doesn't have to be crappy. You don't have to be weak and spineless. You can be whatever you want to be. And I would guarantee if all of a sudden you became a self-assured, confident, fun guy, her attitude toward dating you would spike upward tremendously. But that would necessitate you actually being proactive in your life and doing something to improve it. And that's up to you -- no poster on here can do that for you.

 

But yeah, I've never read someone going to as much trouble as you just did to convince others that someone did not like them. It just makes me feel bad for you.

:/

 

It's not news to me that I have a pretty bad view of myself. Like, I want to get that confidence and I want to stop thinking about what others think about me but it's really hard. Something that's been helping me recently is hanging out with friends. Prior to January I literally did nothing but sit at home and play games but recently I've started doing things with people and I think it's kind of helpful.

 

I know this sounds stupid but how can I gain that confidence and stop thinking about it all so much? I don't think just telling myself to change the attitude will suffice so what will? It's on me, I get that but I really need help if I'm going to do this.

 

I know I'm difficult and I know you're trying to help. I just like. Am who I am. I suppose there's a difference between being a weak person and a sensitive one. I don't want to be weak but being sensitive isn't necessarily bad. Yes I want to change my attitude but I don't want to change who I am. Maybe I'm asking for too much but is there any advice or things I could do that you think might help?

[Simon Phoenix]

:/

 

It's not news to me that I have a pretty bad view of myself. Like, I want to get that confidence and I want to stop thinking about what others think about me but it's really hard. Something that's been helping me recently is hanging out with friends. Prior to January I literally did nothing but sit at home and play games but recently I've started doing things with people and I think it's kind of helpful.

 

I know this sounds stupid but how can I gain that confidence and stop thinking about it all so much? I don't think just telling myself to change the attitude will suffice so what will? It's on me, I get that but I really need help if I'm going to do this.

 

I know I'm difficult and I know you're trying to help. I just like. Am who I am. I suppose there's a difference between being a weak person and a sensitive one. I don't want to be weak but being sensitive isn't necessarily bad. Yes I want to change my attitude but I don't want to change who I am. Maybe I'm asking for too much but is there any advice or things I could do that you think might help?

 

Of course it's hard -- most things worth doing are. As for what you are doing, it's good that you are being more aggressive about being social with friends. That will help. Another thing that will help is just saying "f--k it" and doing things without worrying about what other people think. Honestly, that's the reason I want you to grow some balls and ask this girl out. Even if she says no, just being able to set everything aside and make a move and go after what you want would be a huge step. You'll realize that hearing "no" isn't the end of the world. And if you hear "yes", then even better.

 

Honestly, you need to test yourself, break out of the shell. It's not going to be immediate, but if you test your boundaries just a little bit every day, eventually you'll get there. If you can be strong with a bit of a sensitive side that you can show the right person, that'll make you a catch.

 

But yeah, your life is just beginning. I'm not the same as I was when I was 16 -- in fact, I was a lot like you, except not nearly as resigned to my fate. I'm not nearly like that anymore. But yeah, most things in life worth doing are hard. Do the work.

[dudeguy56]

Of course it's hard -- most things worth doing are. As for what you are doing, it's good that you are being more aggressive about being social with friends. That will help. Another thing that will help is just saying "f--k it" and doing things without worrying about what other people think. Honestly, that's the reason I want you to grow some balls and ask this girl out. Even if she says no, just being able to set everything aside and make a move and go after what you want would be a huge step. You'll realize that hearing "no" isn't the end of the world. And if you hear "yes", then even better.

 

Honestly, you need to test yourself, break out of the shell. It's not going to be immediate, but if you test your boundaries just a little bit every day, eventually you'll get there. If you can be strong with a bit of a sensitive side that you can show the right person, that'll make you a catch.

 

But yeah, your life is just beginning. I'm not the same as I was when I was 16 -- in fact, I was a lot like you, except not nearly as resigned to my fate. I'm not nearly like that anymore. But yeah, most things in life worth doing are hard. Do the work.

 

Well, there are two things I want to do right now. Gain some kind of confidence. I mean, like stop hating myself so much. Yes, hanging out with friends helps so that's good. However telling her how I feel is in my opinion more like a goal or future milestone. Definitely not my first step in the process.

 

I NEED to get her off that pedestal. I like her a lot however I'm awkward around her and that's because I value her over me which I shouldn't but I am. I feel that I'm more confident around other people because I don't care as much of what they think of me but with her I turn into an asocial robot. It doesn't help that the mutual friend we have talks all the time so it's hard to get a word in. I still want to like her obviously but I somehow need to get into the mindset of caring less what she thinks of me/putting myself on her level.

 

Ugh, I'm just so inexperienced. :/

[KaliLove]

If I need to act like someone I'm not then I shouldn't be doing it in the first place. I am a weak person, very fragile and sensitive. I know that and I don't intend to change that because it's part of who I am.

 

When I'm with her I get really nervous and I think that's because I've put her on a pedestal and she's stayed there for way too long. I value her over me. For this reason I don't want to make a fool of myself. I don't want to say the wrong things. I don't want to act wrong but all this within the boundaries of still being me. And I hope this still makes sense. To make a move would for one be obvious from the start because it's contradictory to my behaviour (which she is very familiar with at this point). Secondly I would be too nervous to do it smoothly so it would just be awkward.

 

As for taking the initiative, I might not have been doing it particularly obvious with the intention of being with her but at least I've been doing something. For example, she never starts any conversations on facebook/texting. There was a period of which I'm pretty embarrassed of right now when I texted her maybe 3-4 times a week to start a conversation. (She never started the conversation.) I then noticed how annoying I must've been and on top of that I didn't even know if she wanted to talk to me so I stopped messaging for about two weeks. She didn't message me once. (Keep in mind that she's confident and trust me NOT afraid/nervous around me.) I then started messaging her again but maybe once or twice a week. If even that.

 

And this American Beauty thing, I think you're misjudging how watching that was planned. Let's see. We had a spanish lesson about three months ago where we talked about movies (I'm a huge movie/tv-series lover. Everyone who knows me knows that including her obviously.) It came up that she hadn't seen Spirited Away which I thought was crazy because it's a brilliant movie. I then promised her I'd make a top 100 movie list in order that she has to see. American Beauty was at the top. Fast forward to about two weeks ago I told her that she had to see it and she said she would. Then I told her that we can watch it together if she wants to because I was going to watch it again anyway. She said "sure". Now just consider for a second that she didn't want to see it with me, what would she say? I'm not saying she doesn't want to but IF she doesn't I still put her in a position where it's awkward to say no so jumping to the conclusion that she likes me because she said yes is in my opinion a very premature judgement. I do think she does want to see it but as a friend. I don't know where you live but here in Sweden or at least around the people I hang out with it's not that out of the ordinary to watch a movie with another person of the opposite gender.

 

If it feels right then MAYBE I'd tell her that I like her this night but I'm not the kind of person that can make a move. If anything, the best I could do is tell her (probably awkwardly) that I like her and TRY restraining myself from saying "and I know you don't feel the same."

 

Dude..weakness is not an inherent trait. It's not part of who you are, it's what you're choosing to be. Why would you WANT to be weak?

 

You need to work on your self esteem bud. Desperately. The emo self-hatred thing is not cute.

[dudeguy56]

Dude..weakness is not an inherent trait. It's not part of who you are, it's what you're choosing to be. Why would you WANT to be weak?

 

You need to work on your self esteem bud. Desperately. The emo self-hatred thing is not cute.

 

Definitely, I've aknowledged that. I've had this determination all day (and I hope this will actually last because I need it) that I need to improve my image of myself. I don't know how though. In this situation I think it's mostly that I value her over me.

 

This sounds a bit dumb but I think it might be a good sign that there's lots of room for improvement on my part. I opened up facebook and a friend of hers whom I know of (male) updated his cover photo. On it is the girl I like and two more of his female friends. The girl I like was in the centre and gorgeous as always. But my heart jumped and I felt inferior to her. Like she was judging me (she's not a judgemental person)

 

I need to stop hating myself. I need to accept who I am. I need to stop comparing myself to other (more importantly, the mutual friend I've spoken of) I just need to learn how to do this and remind myself to stay in this mindset when I'm with her. Because when I'm with her I just space out. I need to stay calm, stop getting nervous and really not give a **** what she thinks of me. It's just that's it's almost inscribed into the depths of my behaviour. :/ I need a quick fix somehow.

 

(Also, as a sidenote. I've recently noticed that I've been trying to get into the subject with as many people as I know so that I get a good opportunity to talk about it. I've only told the mutual friend so far and I wonder if maybe it's for the best to keep it that way. On the other hand it'd be nice to talk about it with someone. But on the other hand if more people learn about it then there's a bigger chance it might leak. But on the third hand I might get some valuable advice from a POV that's realistic and more into the situation.

I don't know :S )

[todreaminblue]

The reason I don't want to do that at this point besides being shy is that the small chance of her feeling the same doesn't even nearly outweigh the chance of her getting uncomfortable and don't want to be friends with me anymore.

 

Of course I'm scared of rejection but I wouldn't even for a bit doubt that I'd tell her how I felt if I knew she'd be comfortable being friends after.

 

you really like this girl ....i understand the shyness......but you have to ask her regardless....even if you have regret it will pale with the contrast of never knowing......you will know.......

 

i do know this it is extremely difficult to be friends with someone when you have strogn feelings for them....they might not even feel awkward but you already are there ...in that awkward careful walk on eggshells to keep the friendship way by second guessing if you are being noticeable in your feelings...some times you have to let go...i find it hard to be friends with someone i have feelings for.......but....i am a dissociative who has goen through many heart breaking things...so i just call out a personality to deal with what i need dealt with....in other words...i lock away the part that hurts......chain it up.....i can be friends with vicious people this way...and sometimes i even inspire them to soften their hearts.......only because i chain up the spitting wild cat...we all have that in us.....and wild cats are resentful of not allowing their feelings to be shown and known...... you will resent her if you remain friends a small part of you will especially if you see her with someone else......that can grow.......

 

 

 

but

 

 

if you dont ask you will resent yourself and beat yourself up with what ifs for a vry long time.....that my dear friend is far worse and more damaging to your psyche and future love life than losing a friend...says me......who finds it hard to let go of all people......but there are more than one of me...and some of them want to kick butt and take names and say get lost lately they havent been chained.......one of me is shy....she says rock on with your shyness and ask regardless be vulnerable.....it will make you a better person......deb

[Simon Phoenix]

Definitely, I've aknowledged that. I've had this determination all day (and I hope this will actually last because I need it) that I need to improve my image of myself. I don't know how though. In this situation I think it's mostly that I value her over me.

 

This sounds a bit dumb but I think it might be a good sign that there's lots of room for improvement on my part. I opened up facebook and a friend of hers whom I know of (male) updated his cover photo. On it is the girl I like and two more of his female friends. The girl I like was in the centre and gorgeous as always. But my heart jumped and I felt inferior to her. Like she was judging me (she's not a judgemental person)

 

I need to stop hating myself. I need to accept who I am. I need to stop comparing myself to other (more importantly, the mutual friend I've spoken of) I just need to learn how to do this and remind myself to stay in this mindset when I'm with her. Because when I'm with her I just space out. I need to stay calm, stop getting nervous and really not give a **** what she thinks of me. It's just that's it's almost inscribed into the depths of my behaviour. :/ I need a quick fix somehow.

 

(Also, as a sidenote. I've recently noticed that I've been trying to get into the subject with as many people as I know so that I get a good opportunity to talk about it. I've only told the mutual friend so far and I wonder if maybe it's for the best to keep it that way. On the other hand it'd be nice to talk about it with someone. But on the other hand if more people learn about it then there's a bigger chance it might leak. But on the third hand I might get some valuable advice from a POV that's realistic and more into the situation.

I don't know :S )

 

I guarantee you she already knows. Would bet money on it. Women are very adept at picking up non-verbal signs and cues. So while you do want it to leak, odds are that it won't surprise her.

 

And honestly, I think asking her out would take a big load off your shoulders. It's hard to function when you have these type of feelings for a person buried. Even if they say no, it does feel like the weight of the world is off your shoulders.

 

Honestly, you need to think less and act more. You suffer through paralysis through analysis. I used to do and it still crops up occasionally, though a hell of a lot less than before. You need to just grip it and rip it.

[dudeguy56]

I guarantee you she already knows. Would bet money on it. Women are very adept at picking up non-verbal signs and cues. So while you do want it to leak, odds are that it won't surprise her.

 

And honestly, I think asking her out would take a big load off your shoulders. It's hard to function when you have these type of feelings for a person buried. Even if they say no, it does feel like the weight of the world is off your shoulders.

 

Honestly, you need to think less and act more. You suffer through paralysis through analysis. I used to do and it still crops up occasionally, though a hell of a lot less than before. You need to just grip it and rip it.

 

I want to make it clear that I DON'T want it leaking, that was one of the bad parts of telling someone.

 

I get what you're saying but asking someone out isn't really a thing in Sweden, that's not how people go out here. (It's way too formal and weird.) I mean, it wouldn't be how I'd wanted to do it anyway. We've known each other for so long now that asking her out wont be the thing that makes the difference. If she is to know how I feel about her then it'd probably be me telling her after a hanging out. I'm sorry but that's actually really good for being me.

 

I don't know if this is relevant and if it isn't then don't worry about it. I have a friend in my parallell class that just got together with the girl I likes friend. In my school we've got two different floors with classes that specify in different things. I go to "nature" (and the guy in the parallell class does too) and the girl I like plus the girl whom my friend got together with goes to "society". (I'm changing to society next year for other reasons so I might end up in their class.) I'm very glad for him, they totally deserve each other and are great people. I just wonder if I should make a great effort to sure that he doesn't hear anything because he might tell his girlfriend and she might tell the girl I like which would NOT be the ideal way of her getting to know.

[Simon Phoenix]

I want to make it clear that I DON'T want it leaking, that was one of the bad parts of telling someone.

 

I get what you're saying but asking someone out isn't really a thing in Sweden, that's not how people go out here. (It's way too formal and weird.) I mean, it wouldn't be how I'd wanted to do it anyway. We've known each other for so long now that asking her out wont be the thing that makes the difference. If she is to know how I feel about her then it'd probably be me telling her after a hanging out. I'm sorry but that's actually really good for being me.

 

I don't know if this is relevant and if it isn't then don't worry about it. I have a friend in my parallell class that just got together with the girl I likes friend. In my school we've got two different floors with classes that specify in different things. I go to "nature" (and the guy in the parallell class does too) and the girl I like plus the girl whom my friend got together with goes to "society". (I'm changing to society next year for other reasons so I might end up in their class.) I'm very glad for him, they totally deserve each other and are great people. I just wonder if I should make a great effort to sure that he doesn't hear anything because he might tell his girlfriend and she might tell the girl I like which would NOT be the ideal way of her getting to know.

 

Well, "ask her out" in the Swedish way then. Either way, my advice remains the same.

[dudeguy56]

Well, "ask her out" in the Swedish way then. Either way, my advice remains the same.

 

Honestly. The "Swedish" way is just saying what you feel for the person. Which I may do but only when I've gotten her off the pedestal. That's what I need to work on. Either I get her off the pedestal or I take a step up and get there myself. I'm trying to come up with ways that'll help me boost my self esteem.

 

These are the things I'm considering/doing:

- Stop eating junk food. (Seriously I do it all the time and it's so delicious. Just going to try without for a few weeks.)

- Hanging out with friends. (The rare occassions where she isn't on my mind. It's really nice to just let go of her for a bit and hanging out with friends helps.)

- Telling someone about the situation and talking about it. (Preferably someone who knows both of us.)

 

Something else I've tried is instead of ignoring the pictures where I get jealous or my heart jumps when I just look into her eyes. I kind of just stare at her and try to convince myself that she isn't worth more than I am. Like, trying to convince myself that while she IS gorgeous my existence is of the exact same importance than hers.

 

You've helped enough as is, I REALLY REALLY appreciate it and if you think I'm too much work then that's fine but might you have some more tips?