Jump to content

LDR insecurity ruined it? On break, possible reconciliation?

Sgt. Pepper

By Sgt. Pepper
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Sgt. Pepper Established Member

Sgt. Pepper

Posted
Posted

Hi

 

I'm a 23 year old guy. Since last July I've been in a long distance relationship with a 19 year old girl. I live in NJ she lives in the South. We met on a dating website and things got serious very quick, too quick. I mean, we were talking marriage by the End of the first month. She came in at a very bad time in my life: my mother was dying, my dad was not handling it well. Yet we planned on moving in together (my idea) to my parents very very soon into it. Which didn't happen. We ended up meeting in person finally in November for three weeks.

 

During this visit, my girlfriend lost her virginity to me. I am the only man she has ever even dated. On our first date, first meeting, she gave me oral. She said she was ready to have sex at the time but some then has said she regrets that we didn't wait and regrets the place and time when it happened. She said it was in retrospect traumatizing and that she still hasn't emotionally processed it. She is no loner sexual at all with me whereas we used to have a very strong, active sex life before all this fighting.

 

By November, I was living with my uncle and he put lots of stuff in my was about her and us. He doesn't like her. I let it to to my head and began to get very insecure, negative and depressed. And acted so. I got fired from my job just before Christmas, and she got hired at hers. I acted very insecure to the point of pissing her off because I was depressed. I don't have some aspects of my life together and I worried she would meet some guy at work who did and he'd seduce her. I began to get more and more insecure over tiny things and more and more negatve. She nearly left twice and gave me two last chances. I blew them but she stayed.

 

Finally, she began to act distant and not as lovey as normal. I noticed, and she denied it. A. Few days later I had a bout of insecurity again and all of her issues explode: she felt she was dealing with damaged goods, felt it wasn't worth it, a whole lot of things. She has become obsessed with k pop, something she was into before we got together, and she says she got into it again because she felt that the one in her life that she liked it was when she was truly happy, that k pop offered her a mental escape from us I begged and pleaded and promised id change and she said reluctantly that I was on probation.

 

I thought about it and felt I didn't deserve her, and wrote her a text sayin if she truly wanted to leave and didn't see me changing, she was free to go. She decided to stay, saying she went with her gut.

 

However, since it happened, she hasn't been the same. She's been distant and casual. She is very blunt with me now. The first few days I was pushy, asking where we stood, what was to happen. Her stance is that she hasn't decided what to do and is confused and overwhelmed. That when she knows I will know. On me directly asking her if she still considered us together, she got mad at me for asking saying of course the answer was yes. She also said a lot of Things would have to b different if we Continued. I agreed and we came to a tentative not official agreement. She says she just needs time to decide, that time will heal our wounds. However, she removed the ring and other jewelry I gave her and still hasn't put them back on.

 

Since that day, she has seemingly been slowly warming up. I've given her space and she's back to calling me baby and pet names once Ina while but she still has an area of distance. But not as bad as before. But still distant, cautious and a tad bit awkward. However, she is back to saying I love ou at times. When this first happened, I would say it and she would say uh huh. Now shes back to sayin it herself. The other night, as we ended a call, I did not say it and she said in a sad voice, 'you're not gonna tell me you love me?' And I said it. And said I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

 

On another call, there was an awkward silence at the end and I didn't say it because I want to give her space. Sh said it first.

 

I'm giving her space and the more space I give her, the more the ice seems to slowly melt. Very slowly. And I am committed to hanging the bad aspects of me and just being a better version of the guy she fell in love with.

 

Any opinions? Advise?

  • Author
Sgt. Pepper Established Member

Sgt. Pepper

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I should add some things:

 

I pushed her a lot with a lot of irrational ideas Asa result of my insecurity, like running away together, etc, things she agreed with at the sat time but whic actually scared her and she didn't say anything.

 

During the big fight on the 6th she had said things like maybe because of my goin so fast it means were on different levels of love. That we should've ended before feelings developed because we're not ready for this.

 

Yet, when asked point blank if she considers us together, she said yes. When I said maybe it's like a married couple being separated, she said we're not separated.

 

And she still uses my last name on things like her email address even though we weren't legally married.

 

Yet every night she claims she's going to bed at 11pm and then stays up to 6am goofing things like photos of mixed race Asian babies, articles about the up and down sides of an Asian male white female relationship (we're both white). The Korean Pop band she is obsessed with she says if there was a choice between me and one of the members of the band, she would choose him.

 

Yet even still, she said she'd be ok with us continuing if we slammed on the breaks and took things slower, if I had no more bouts of insecurity, if I have no more irrational plans. Those are her terms.

 

At one point I told her I kinda resent my new job and she said I shouldn't because me having it is one of the things working in favor of he staying.

 

One night she asked me to buy her chocolate an I did by transferrin money to her bank account.

 

Just this morning, she referred to herself as 'mama' to me, one of our private pet names. And she's been calling me 'Bummy' one of hers for me

 

But I feel like she's giving me mixed messages.

CaliBabe Established Member

CaliBabe

Posted
Posted

You are really over analyzing every little detail.

 

You need to relax, take a step back and just breathe. You seem extremely tense.

 

I think your gf has proven to stand by your side when things get tough but believe me you are not making it easier for her to want to stay.

 

You need to learn that women do NOT like needy men. Neediness, insecurity and weakness is not attractive.

 

You need to work on yourself. Your self confidence, neediness issues and stop obsessing over every little thing.

 

I am telling you now, this has alot to do with you. If you do not fix these things and soon, she is going to leave you.

  • Author
Sgt. Pepper Established Member

Sgt. Pepper

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You are really over analyzing every little detail.

 

You need to relax, take a step back and just breathe. You seem extremely tense.

 

I think your gf has proven to stand by your side when things get tough but believe me you are not making it easier for her to want to stay.

 

You need to learn that women do NOT like needy men. Neediness, insecurity and weakness is not attractive.

 

You need to work on yourself. Your self confidence, neediness issues and stop obsessing over every little thing.

 

I am telling you now, this has alot to do with you. If you do not fix these things and soon, she is going to leave you.

 

I agree.

 

A question: why is she regressing?

When she and I first got together, she would stay up all night an sleep most of the day, she would have bouts of hypochondria and panic attacks that would make her lay in her parents bed, and she didn't get along w her mom.

 

I would stay up w her during the attacks an calm her down and they happened less and less until it became such that they rarely happened, we got her sleeping pattern more normal, and she got along better with everyone.

 

But ever since our near break up, she's regressed back to the way she was when we first got together. Why??

sooshi Established Member

sooshi

Posted
Posted (edited)

Don't marry this girl, Sgt. Pepper. This is not a healthy relationship. I don't see anything healthy about it. I don't believe for a moment that it'll work out. I'm sorry, I know that hurts. :(

Edited by sooshi
  • Author
Sgt. Pepper Established Member

Sgt. Pepper

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Don't marry this girl, Sgt. Pepper. This is not a healthy relationship. I don't see anything healthy about it. I don't believe for a moment that it'll work out. I'm sorry, I know that hurts. :(

 

Care to elaborate why?

 

As far as it being 'unhealthy' everybody I know has what would be called an unhealthy relationship.

sooshi Established Member

sooshi

Posted
Posted (edited)

It doesn't matter what everyone you know has. We're talking about you.

 

She listens to K pop as an escape from your relationship. She would choose a guy from the band she likes over you. That is awful. That isn't love. The way she responds to you doesn't even sound like she likes you. Her responses are so casual and aloof, and are NOT indicative of SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO MARRY YOU. She doesn't even wear her engagement ring.

 

You have issues with deep-seated insecurity. Couple that with a lack of love in the relationship, and this is bound to go nowhere good.

 

You also said in another thread that you chase after those who don't want you. You're chasing her. I think that you know on some level that she doesn't want to be with you, but are afraid to confront it.

Edited by sooshi
  • Author
Sgt. Pepper Established Member

Sgt. Pepper

Posted
  • Author
Posted
It doesn't matter what everyone you know has. We're talking about you.

 

She listens to K pop as an escape from your relationship. She would choose a guy from the band she likes over you. That is awful. That isn't love. The way she responds to you doesn't even sound like she likes you. Her responses are so casual and aloof, and are NOT indicative of SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO MARRY YOU. She doesn't even wear her engagement ring.

 

You have issues with deep-seated insecurity. Couple that with a lack of love in the relationship, and this is bound to go nowhere good.

 

You also said in another thread that you chase after those who don't want you. You're chasing her. I think that you know on some level that she doesn't want to be with you, but are afraid to confront it.

 

Before April 6th when the fight happened none of this was so. She was mushy as hell and clingy and would sing that she has the best hubby in the world. I think I just kinda alienated her and she has a wall up and it's gonna take patience and time to bring it down. It's still a fresh wound that is only 6 days old.

  • Author
Sgt. Pepper Established Member

Sgt. Pepper

Posted
  • Author
Posted

What I do notice is that there is a lot of water under the bridge. A lot of resentment and subconscious anger which manifests now as her getting irritated easily. How can I stop this? I don't want to beg but I would love to have a hear to heart conversation. Seething to rekindle the romance an destroy the baggage. Might it just be that physically going down and seeing her could heal things totally?

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...