Biscuitbob Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Hi, my first post here, I apologise if this is not the correct section, please point me in the right direction if it isn't. So towards the end of last year me and a girl from my College class began getting pretty close, spending a lot of time together studying and stuff. Everything seemed great and I started becoming attracted to her, it seemed she also liked me with the way she would touch and tease. So I spoke to a mutual girl-friend about it and she said she also thought this girl liked me but didn't want to embarrass me by asking me about it. So I finally decided to ask her out but got turned down as she didn't want to risk our friendship. So that sucked and I started trying to move on and we stayed friends. A few weeks later she starts asking me to hang out and wants to get coffee and lunch with me multiple times, she even asked to come over to my flat. I began to think, whats going on here, just last week you turned me down and now you are asking to go on all these "mini dates" with me which we never used to do before. Seemed like mixed signals to me. I didn't do anything to progress that possible interest as I was worried about seeming needy or whatever if I ask her again right after she turned me down, despite it seeming like she was into me. Anyway this slowly faded out and it wasn't mentioned again, we went back to being good friends but much closer than ever before, probably each others best friend at College. So I slowly got over it all until she starts getting close to me again, like what happened before, hanging out together and telling me personal things about friends and family and her past life experiences. I felt my feelings coming back again and I don't know what to do really. I thought I had gotten over her but its coming back again and in my head I think there is always a chance, I know logically it would have happened by now if it was going too most likely. I haven't felt like this before and don't know what I should do to just get over it all really. Whenever I see her on Facebook or anything I just feel sick in my stomach and want to speak to her. I hate it. I know of the option of cutting contact completely but I really don't want to lose one of my best friends because I can't control my feelings, I was hoping there was some otherway I could resolve it. Maybe someone here can give some advice that could help. Thanks!
jstew2000 Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Stop looking at her Facebook. Bad idea.. I still slip too. Also if a girl is interested in you, as soon as you back off she'll come after you. Trust me she'll let you know if she likes you..
VeronicaRoss Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Read this thread I wrote about two college friends from thirty years ago. He is still very hung up on her, and he's been married to an unsuspecting woman for 25 years. He told me his feelings for her grew because they stayed in contact via mail after she romantically rejected him. That's why my advice is stop ALL contact with her and focus on wooing women who will return your interest. Otherwise do you want this fantasy to interfere with your romantic life, possibly for decades? That's your choice. When your friend said she didn't want to get involved because she didn't want to hurt your friendship, she was telling you if you became sexual, she'd eventually have to drop you because she's without a doubt she's not that interested and her inevitable rejection would obviously hurt your friendship. More honestly it would mean she'd have to let go of your puppy love. You don't do it for her as a man. That's harsh, but you need to focus on that instead of your hopes. Can you think of a woman that you'd bonk but wouldn't want to be involved with? That's how she feels about you. Just dwell on what that 'not interested' feels like when you pine for her, and remember that's how she views you. It doesn't surprise me all of a sudden you were hanging out together more too after your confession. Hanging out in the glow of someone else's attraction is very ego-gratifying stuff. Men who are attracted to you are less critical and give a ton of intense attention. I'm saying that from experience I am not proud of. Not everyone will agree with me on this but if I were you (and I've been her), I'd outright say so she knows why and will not try to re-engage you: "Our feelings about this relationship are not the same, as you know. It isn't appropriate for us to hang out or talk anymore, because I realize it keeps me interested and hoping. I want to move on and find someone who returns my feelings and that's not you. You say you're my friend so this is where you need to show me that's true and let me go. It's not your fault I feel this way, but I need to take care of myself. Hope you understand."
bubbaganoosh Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 I think that with the technology we have today with computers and smart phones, it's a lot harder to get over a broken relationship. This is coming from a 66 year old man who. in his younger days had to rely on the old land line phone and when you broke up with a guy/girl, the lines of communication were gone except for the phone hanging off the wall. Today, you can check on the status of your ex by clicking a button and if by chance they post a comment with a smiley face, it's like a punch to the gut. Makes me happy in a way that we didn't have all the gadgets that we have today. Made it a whole lot easier to get over a break up. 2
BC1980 Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 I think that with the technology we have today with computers and smart phones, it's a lot harder to get over a broken relationship. This is coming from a 66 year old man who. in his younger days had to rely on the old land line phone and when you broke up with a guy/girl, the lines of communication were gone except for the phone hanging off the wall. Today, you can check on the status of your ex by clicking a button and if by chance they post a comment with a smiley face, it's like a punch to the gut. Makes me happy in a way that we didn't have all the gadgets that we have today. Made it a whole lot easier to get over a break up. I also think that things like Facebook make it seem like we are involved in all of these people's lives that we don't really know. Facebook is a type of fantasy, and people get caught up in all kinds in online relationships that don't really exist. It's easy to be on the outside looking in and create some fantasy. I can we how Facebook, Twitter, ect. lens themselves to that nicely.
Author Biscuitbob Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 Thanks Veronica, what you say makes a lot of sense and also explains her behaviour. I can definitely see how I could be feeding her ego. The weird thing is, I don't actually want to be in a relationship with her any more, I've thought everything through and although I love spending time with her I don't think it would work out long term if she isn't interested enough to say something by now, its clear like you say she can't be interested in me, so even if she ever did change her mind I feel like I would just be a backup rather than someone she really wanted to be with. I have actually had interest from other girls, I even blew my chance with one of them that I did like because I was still hung up on this first girl. So stupid! I think the comparison you made to a girl I find attractive but not interested in dating is exactly how I should try approach it all. Currently I think I still look at her as someone I want to date but I need to put that out of my head. A problem I have is our College classes are very small, only 20-30 people so not easy to avoid her and we also share all of the same social friends, so again cannot avoid her during College terms. I don't want to have to lose my friendship with her but I do think I need to take a step back from it all a bit. If she is a true friend she should make an effort to keep the friendship going, so its not as one sided as it currently is. I think I will try focus on the "not interested" feeling like you say and see how it goes. Maybe it would also help to focus on her more negative traits so I don't look at her through tinted glasses?
Author Biscuitbob Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 Also I would agree with you guys about Facebook and other social sites/apps being a huge problem when trying to get over someone. There are so many different things that we both use or follow each other on that it makes it difficult to try just put them out of your head since they pop up on your feed and bam, right in the feels. Seems its best to just try avoid your social feeds until you feel you can see them again without having any problems.
VeronicaRoss Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 College is the best place to meet people of the opposite sex. Most people are available, unencumbered and classes and people change every semester. Live the dream and just focus on 3 women you want to ask out this semester if even to do one thing with them. It's called 'practice'. And it will help distract you. If it helps at all virtually everyone has been through the same thing at least once and probably more. All of this feeling doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, you just don't want to act in a way it does become a problem.
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