Cultural/religious pressures and moving on...

[ses]

Some background information here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/470084-past-history-possible-date

 

So the guy and I had a great date on Saturday. He treated me to sushi and we hooked up later (no sex) at my house. We had been texting on/off this past week and met up again last night because he couldn't resist my offer to try my freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies. We hooked up again (no sex, just a lot of foreplay). We weren't supposed to but there was just a lot of sexual chemistry between us. It was my first time doing a lot things with him. It was a great night and he seemed to enjoy himself.

 

I'm hurting a lot right now because he now wants to maintain his distance with me until he sorts himself out. He admits to being screwed up and thinks I deserve better. The texts were heartbreaking. He's very confused and conflicted because he's very religious and is active in his community as a public figure. He has to reconcile the duality of his personalities: 1. The religious side 2. The sexual, more human side. When we met 6 years ago (I'm 25 and he's 31 now) we were both very religious. I spent a lot of time with his family but we were always very polite and formal with each other. I was very attracted to him but knew I couldn't ask him out since dating was not allowed in our religion. In our faith men and women are expected to get to know one another solely for the purposes of marriage. Physical contact between the sexes is highly regulated and restricted until marriage. Many people don't even hold hands until their wedding night. Forget about a friendly hug or a kiss.

 

He's American but ethnically South Asian so arranged marriages are also the norm. I'm not from the culture and don't speak the dominant language so I had to suppress my attraction to him for many years. It killed me emotionally as I struggled with essentially being human and yet having to operate within these circumscribed norms.

 

6 years later (we stopped talking for 2 years) he contacts me and years of sexual tension between us is unleashed. We were only meant to go out to dinner but we couldn't suppress ourselves any longer when we were alone. He admitted to me that he always was attracted but never could act on it due to our religion. I never could tell because he did a great job maintaining his distance and acting aloof towards me. He's had sexual experience since he was previously married (his ex-wife was his first sexual partner). The marriage didn't work out due to personal issues. They didn't have the chance to see if they were compatible as they were engaged and married within a short period of time.

 

I left the religion 1.5 years ago. I still have some issues that I'm working through but I'm not as sexually repressed as I once was as a young twenty-something. I called him today and left a voice mail assuring him that I wouldn't run away and that I would always be there for him. I'm really stubborn and hate giving up on people especially when I personally understand their struggles. I know he's in a really hard spot because we're both attracted to one another but have to navigate our feelings through the prism of religious and cultural expectations. I know there are several guys who would willingly date me but I waited 6 years for him. His family still doesn't know that we've gone out and would kill us both if they knew the extent of our physical activities.

 

I'm angry and frustrated but I know I have to accept this. I just feel very isolated right now and just want a hug from him. I really want things to work out between us but I'm not sure.

[Hello_is_it_me]

Too complicated. You would think that after the whole debacle with his ex-wife that he would see the light and realize what a stupid, backwards process his religion has set towards relationships...

[ses]

It takes a long time to get over one's sexual repression left by religion. He's under a lot of pressure so I understand even though it hurts like hell.

[Hello_is_it_me]

It takes a long time to get over one's sexual repression left by religion. He's under a lot of pressure so I understand even though it hurts like hell.

 

He's 31. He's old enough to start thinking on his own rather than be guided by dogma.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you should be neutral at this point and let him approach you if he wants to continue. If not, get on with your life.

 

He's conflicted about reconciling his private sexual life and public religious life, and that's a deep-seated problem that he'll have to work out on his own.

 

If he wants things to work out with you, he will find a way to make it happen.

[ses]

Thanks, everyone. I think I'm definitely going to keep myself busy in the interim. The ball's in his court now.