stillafool Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 You're probably right with it meaning nothing but he went out of his way to say hi to me. And the friends with benefits didn't work out well mainly because I was inexperienced and can't have sex without commitment. I'm guessing you didn't find this out about yourself until after you had sex. Now you know to pass on anymore FWB relationships, right? FWB bascially means you can sleep together with no commitment. Otherwise you are in a one on one relationship. He went after your friend because he felt it was within his right to do so given the terms of your relationship. Why would you settle for this type of relationship when you know you want sex with commitment?
Zahara Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 They were FWB! The agreement basically is "use for sex." And who cares if he hooked up with the other friend? They were FWB. I don't see how the friend is off limits. And he called her "crazy." In what context. I think the guy is getting vilified unjustly here. Now he may be a manipulative dbag but with the small details revealed I can't jump to that conclusion just yet. I'm not concerned as to what the arrangement was between them. My advice isn't focused on his actions, but her feelings. It was an FWB but it was obvious that his actions still hurt her and made her upset. Regardless of the terms of their arrangement, my advice to OP is to stay away from men that don't make her feel good about herself. And yes, he is a douchebag. He knew that OP liked him judging from her last thread. Yet this guy texts her out of the blue after one year of silence. Texts her at 2AM on Valentines day only to get some. Even if you are in an FWB, you should have the decency to at least say, "You know what, she's emotional. It's not a good idea to do this to her." Ignoring someone for a whole year, and popping up at 2AM to get sex is a class act douchebag. FWB doesn't give you a pass to do whatever you want. But this isn't about him. 2
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I'm not concerned as to what the arrangement was between them. My advice isn't focused on his actions, but her feelings. It was an FWB but it was obvious that his actions still hurt her and made her upset. Regardless of the terms of their arrangement, my advice to OP is to stay away from men that don't make her feel good about herself. And yes, he is a douchebag. He knew that OP liked him judging from her last thread. Yet this guy texts her out of the blue after one year of silence. Texts her at 2AM on Valentines day only to get some. Even if you are in an FWB, you should have the decency to at least say, "You know what, she's emotional. It's not a good idea to do this to her." Ignoring someone for a whole year, and popping up at 2AM to get sex is a class act douchebag. FWB doesn't give you a pass to do whatever you want. But this isn't about him. Maybe not tactful from a normal relationship point of view, but out-of-the-blue trying to hook up with someone on Vday after a year of NC is about the most FWB's thing a FWB can do lol! He reached maxed out FWB-power with that move!! I just never carry much sympathy for those that complain after a FWB thing goes awry. The thing is almost always destined to fail in one way or another. Why play with fire? OP, just look at this as a learning experience and move on as a stronger, smarter person.
Zahara Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Maybe not tactful from a normal relationship point of view, but out-of-the-blue trying to hook up with someone on Vday after a year of NC is about the most FWB's thing a FWB can do lol! He reached maxed out FWB-power with that move!! I'm sorry. No, an FWB doesn't give you a pass to act like a tool. There's no difficulty in having some human decency even if you're just having a sex arrangement with someone. We'll agree to disagree. 1
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I'm sorry. No, an FWB doesn't give you a pass to act like a tool. There's no difficulty in having some human decency even if you're just having a sex arrangement with someone. We'll agree to disagree. From the FWB perspective, if you're single on Vday and so is the other person, I don't see what the issue is... Also, isn't Vday one of the biggest bar/club ONS days out of the whole year? (-and I've always been a LTR guy, never done the FWB as it seems like a terrible concept, but I will respect it for what it is and those that enjoy it)
Zahara Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 From the FWB perspective, if you're single on Vday and so is the other person, I don't see what the issue is... Also, isn't Vday one of the biggest bar/club ONS days out of the whole year? (-and I've always been a LTR guy, never done the FWB as it seems like a terrible concept, but I will respect it for what it is and those that enjoy it) They were FWBs a year ago. He vanished for a year after he kissed her best friend. She attemped contact but he ignored her for a year. There was no FWB arrangement at that point, when he called her at 2AM on Valentines day, a year later. And when you know someone has feelings for you, regardless of whether you once had an FWB arrangement, you have the decency to stay away from what you know could possibly cause hurt to someone. 1
ASG Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 They were FWB! The agreement basically is "use for sex." And who cares if he hooked up with the other friend? They were FWB. I don't see how the friend is off limits. And he called her "crazy." In what context. I think the guy is getting vilified unjustly here. Now he may be a manipulative dbag but with the small details revealed I can't jump to that conclusion just yet. I know I have agreements with FWB where friends are completely off limits! Like... he's free to go sleep with anyone he wants... Just not my friends. That doesn't preclude every single female I know, no. Just friends. And vice versa. I'm not to sleep with his friends. Anyone else is game! But we DID talk about this. It wasn't assumed. 1
ASG Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 They were FWBs a year ago. He vanished for a year after he kissed her best friend. She attemped contact but he ignored her for a year. There was no FWB arrangement at that point, when he called her at 2AM on Valentines day, a year later. And when you know someone has feelings for you, regardless of whether you once had an FWB arrangement, you have the decency to stay away from what you know could possibly cause hurt to someone. Exactly. FWBs don't last forever. And they are cancelled when one party decides to ignore the other. I had a FWB years ago that, after a few months, started getting flaky. After he failed to even reply to a text I sent him, trying to arrange hanging out, since I was going out of town for about a month, I wrote him off. I mean... clearly, if he doesn't want to hang out with me, we're not FWB anymore! Another one I had, that lasted quite a few years I now consider defunct. Why? Because we haven't gotten together in almost 2 years. We've seen each other and hung out as friends a couple of times in those 2 years, but no FWB move has been made. Therefore he is now just a friend, without benefits. He is a douche! No doubt about that!
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I know I have agreements with FWB where friends are completely off limits! Like... he's free to go sleep with anyone he wants... Just not my friends. That doesn't preclude every single female I know, no. Just friends. And vice versa. I'm not to sleep with his friends. Anyone else is game! But we DID talk about this. It wasn't assumed. Exactly. FWBs don't last forever. And they are cancelled when one party decides to ignore the other. I had a FWB years ago that, after a few months, started getting flaky. After he failed to even reply to a text I sent him, trying to arrange hanging out, since I was going out of town for about a month, I wrote him off. I mean... clearly, if he doesn't want to hang out with me, we're not FWB anymore! Another one I had, that lasted quite a few years I now consider defunct. Why? Because we haven't gotten together in almost 2 years. We've seen each other and hung out as friends a couple of times in those 2 years, but no FWB move has been made. Therefore he is now just a friend, without benefits. He is a douche! No doubt about that! Time limits? Certain ppl off limits? Ahhhhh!! Too many rules and feelings to these FWB things!! FWB should be kept simple, NSA! Or I dunno.. Am I incorrectly mixing "FWB" with "f*ck buddies?"
ASG Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Time limits? Certain ppl off limits? Ahhhhh!! Too many rules and feelings to these FWB things!! FWB should be kept simple, NSA! Or I dunno.. Am I incorrectly mixing "FWB" with "f*ck buddies?" Just because there are no strings, doesn't mean there can't be rules. They are not mutually exclusive. But, if you do want some rules you need to talk about them, since there are none that come with a FWB, per se. FWB and **** buddies are essentially the same thing. There is no *actual* difference. And as for time limits... er... yes. If I don't hear from someone for a long time, I will cross them off the "access" list. Specially if I tried establishing contact and got no reply. And if for some reason that person comes back, I might not be inclined to resume the previous FWB relationship. The guy I mentioned in my previous post, that started flaking? Once I went back to work I got ambushed by his friend, saying he missed me. I decided to go and talk to him and he apologised for being a dick. We left the party together (office xmas party!). But after we did sleep together I realised my attraction was gone. I was done with this guy and had moved on. So our thing ended pretty much there and then. NSA only means that there is no commitment. No actual BF/GF relationship. It doesn't preclude common decency and courtesy. I expect both from my FWB (and I've had many over the years). And if I establish that my friends are off limits, I expect him to adhere to that. Only ever did it with one guy though, and it only included 2 very close friends.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Just because there are no strings, doesn't mean there can't be rules. They are not mutually exclusive. But, if you do want some rules you need to talk about them, since there are none that come with a FWB, per se. FWB and **** buddies are essentially the same thing. There is no *actual* difference. I disagree. f*buddies are the ones for whom virtually no "rules" exist. It is sex and purely sex, often a quick screw and then a parting of ways until the next time. Your meetings revolve primarily around sex, there's very little talking except for maybe some polite chit chat and communication outside of sexual encounters between the two of you is usually limited to scheduling your next sexual encounter. Sexual exclusivity is either out of the question or never even discussed. FWBs on the other hand are, well, friends as well. You probably wouldn't constantly flake on a friend, you wouldn't frequently ignore a friend, and you certainly wouldn't disregard their feelings or current emotional state. You might hang out from time to time, even without sex even being a possibility. In short, you treat them like a friend because that's what they are first and foremost. They just happen to be a friend you have sex with. Sexual exclusivity may or may not be on the table, if not already in play or at least discussed. A lot of people use the terms interchangeably but there are some very clear differences.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Just because there are no strings, doesn't mean there can't be rules. They are not mutually exclusive. But, if you do want some rules you need to talk about them, since there are none that come with a FWB, per se. FWB and **** buddies are essentially the same thing. There is no *actual* difference. And as for time limits... er... yes. If I don't hear from someone for a long time, I will cross them off the "access" list. Specially if I tried establishing contact and got no reply. And if for some reason that person comes back, I might not be inclined to resume the previous FWB relationship. The guy I mentioned in my previous post, that started flaking? Once I went back to work I got ambushed by his friend, saying he missed me. I decided to go and talk to him and he apologised for being a dick. We left the party together (office xmas party!). But after we did sleep together I realised my attraction was gone. I was done with this guy and had moved on. So our thing ended pretty much there and then. NSA only means that there is no commitment. No actual BF/GF relationship. It doesn't preclude common decency and courtesy. I expect both from my FWB (and I've had many over the years). And if I establish that my friends are off limits, I expect him to adhere to that. Only ever did it with one guy though, and it only included 2 very close friends. Ah gotcha. In the fantasy world in my head I like to imagine the perfect FWB's relationship as very business-like lol. You get in you get out. Complete emotional detachment. I didn't read all of the OP earlier postings until just now and seeing that she was a virgin and of course fell for this guy who did not share near the emotional investment she developed (thankfully from what she says it seems she is still "technically" a virgin). So to all the kids out there - Try not to let your virginity be taken while in a FWB's relationship. I know it's 2014. But still. Come on, kids.
ASG Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Ah gotcha. In the fantasy world in my head I like to imagine the perfect FWB's relationship as very business-like lol. You get in you get out. Complete emotional detachment. Nah, that's not a requirement. I usually LIKE my FWB. I mean... if I didn't, what's the point? I do have self respect and I'm not going to be sleeping with someone I don't like or am completely indifferent towards. I am not, however, in love with them. I like them, like I like other people in my life I am not sleeping with. I don't get jealous that they slept with someone else, I don't necessarily get upset they couldn't come and see me (I might get frustrated, since it means no sex, but I know that that is on ME, not them) That is the kind of emotional detachment you should have. Not treat the other person like they're not even human though! Yesterday, my most recent FWB was an absolute dick to me via text. He was having a bad day and took it out on me, since I texted him. I made sure he was aware that that was NOT ok. This morning he apologised for being a dick. If he hadn't, I don't think our "relationship" would have lasted much longer.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Nah, that's not a requirement. I usually LIKE my FWB. I mean... if I didn't, what's the point? I do have self respect and I'm not going to be sleeping with someone I don't like or am completely indifferent towards. I am not, however, in love with them. I like them, like I like other people in my life I am not sleeping with. I don't get jealous that they slept with someone else, I don't necessarily get upset they couldn't come and see me (I might get frustrated, since it means no sex, but I know that that is on ME, not them) That is the kind of emotional detachment you should have. Not treat the other person like they're not even human though! Yesterday, my most recent FWB was an absolute dick to me via text. He was having a bad day and took it out on me, since I texted him. I made sure he was aware that that was NOT ok. This morning he apologised for being a dick. If he hadn't, I don't think our "relationship" would have lasted much longer. I would think if you truly liked someone for who they are and also enjoyed sex with them... and employ rules about exclusivity and such... then why not just be in a normal relationship?
ASG Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I would think if you truly liked someone for who they are and also enjoyed sex with them... and employ rules about exclusivity and such... then why not just be in a normal relationship? I have never employed any rules about being exclusive. I've never been exclusive with a FWB, ever. Or at least not on purpose. Right now I'm not sleeping with anyone else, but that is because it simply has not happened. We're not exactly exclusive and that has never been discussed. The only rules I have ever applied are people who are off limits. And that has more to do with the awkwardness than anything else. But, like I've said in another post, in another thread, there are several reasons why a relationship might not be possible. This guy I've been seeing? He's off on tour for 6 months in 2 weeks. I am not a big fan of LDR, specially if the relationship hasn't been properly established. Another FWB I have I would never date properly because he has had a vasectomy. I want kids. Deal breaker! but not a deal breaker for sex though! Only downside is that he lives half a word away, so we don't see each other very often. And the list goes on. There are so many reasons a person might not be right for you. But you're still attracted to them, so you have sex!
Phantom888 Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I can never have an FWB even though several women have proposed that idea to me in the past. I don't have sex with women unless I'm in an exclusive relationship with them. The reason is that I don't need unnecessary drama and warped perceptions associated with FWBs. I mean, a friend is a friend and you shouldn't be ****ing your friend because that would be dating. I set clear guidelines between platonic friendship and romance. Mixing the two doesn't make sense to me. Also, I don't use condoms when I have sex, so that would be really unwise in a FWB non-relationship. For the OP, you are wise to not hang around him. Why would you give out free sex when even prostitutes charge $300 an hour? If you are gonna give out non-committal tail, at least charge the guy!
Author emoore2013 Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 why are you so worried about what it means? i mean does it matter? he sounds like a jackass, so even if it means "omg I miss you" would that matter??? (it doesn't mean that btw) saying hi means nothing. If anything it means he's so over it all that he doesn't even care enough to ignore you--he's reached indifference, I'd guess. If anyone is over it it should be me. He really has nothing to get over other than losing the benefits part...if he even cares. Ignoring someone is a sign of indifference to me. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking but his hello could be his way of showing he's sorry for what he said. Or that he just wants to eliminate the awkwardness since we see each other around campus a lot. He did in fact go out of his way to say hi, it's not like we were face to face.
stillafool Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Yes he is probably so indifferent to it that he said hi to you to let you know he has put it all behind him. Good, now you won't feel awkward when you see him around campus. Unless he said "Hi, listen I'm sorry for what I said, please forgive me." it's just business as usual. I don't think you should get this excited because someone who treated you like dirt says hi to you. You are not over it or you wouldn't have bothered to start this thread about him.
William Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Noting that the thread starter has weighed in and moderation received a threadjack report, I'll remind members to focus on the thread starter's 'ex FWB' and their dating dynamic and feel free to discuss general FWB concepts and perspectives in our General Relationship Discussion forum. Thanks!
ascendotum Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 If anyone is over it it should be me. He really has nothing to get over other than losing the benefits part...if he even cares. Ignoring someone is a sign of indifference to me. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking but his hello could be his way of showing he's sorry for what he said. Or that he just wants to eliminate the awkwardness since we see each other around campus a lot. He did in fact go out of his way to say hi, it's not like we were face to face. I wondered why this thread got resurrected, and its all because you werre out and saw him and he said 'hi' in passing. You are still pining for this guy...the only guy you have been with. You got plenty of good advice early on in this thread about where you stand with this guy. The last time you met up he wanted it to be a booty call, but changed his mind when he picked up you were too emotional. You think the people who gave you advice earlier on were wrong, and this 'hi' in passing from him changes everything? It means jack shyt in terms of what you want. He likes you, fooled around with you a year ago for a bit, but that's it. Move on and find some new guy to focus on, that hopefully will want to be in a relationship with you. 1
OhThatGirl Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I too wondered why this thread was resurrected. And I was baffled to see it was because he said "hi" as well. Look. The only thing that "hi" should be interpreted as is a reminder you forgot to delete/block his number. Go ahead and take the opportunity to do so now. He's not worthy of anything else and in the grand scheme of things it means absolutely nothing that he was the first guy you gave it up to. We all have someone that took our virginity and if you took a poll I'm sure most women would be saying "WTF was I thinking?" when it comes to the person they gave it to. Move on already. First sexual partner means nothing. Fact that he isn't doing the things necessary to stay a relevant part of your life means everything.
Author emoore2013 Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 Not along ago I was at a party and my ex-FWB was clearly staring at me each time I glanced his way. At one point we sort of made eye contact but I quickly looked away. He didn't approach me that night, but obviously it looks at though he wanted to at least acknowledge each others presences--which didn't really happen. We left off on rough terms when I found out he talked about me behind me back to my friend/he tried to use me on v-day. I really want to get back on speaking terms, that is why I am considering breaking NC and sending him a "how are you" text. I see him everywhere and we have so many mutual friends that I feel as though it's only right to clear the air. What are your guys' thoughts on this?
Assasda Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Sure go for it. Why ask him "How are you" though. Why not get to the point and tell him that you want to smash
Versacehottie Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Nope. Wouldn't do it. NO> To me it sounds like you clearly like him and he has already treated you poorly. At the very least if you two were to start back up, I would let him make the move to apologize or approach you. To be fair, I'm not a fan of FWB (for women) think the majority cannot truly do it. I think you should leave space in your life for someone who treats you better and wants something real with you. Either way good luck.
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