Mixed signals - is he messing with me or is he interested again?! I'm going nuts!!

[Ph123]

It gets even better - this guy has literally morphed into someone I don't even recognize.. and now he is playing the victim?!

 

He contacted me today about a property we both share that has to be sorted out. Unfortunately, I had to reply as the lease is up.. he said please pick up your stuff and whatever you need from the apartment. I said I don't see why I should go and do all the dirty work, I suggest you meet me there and we both clean up the place and get rid of everything. Also I have some of your things to give back to you. He said if you don't want to do it, just leave it. I said fine, I will pick up my stuff and leave the rest then and your stuff there for you. He said 'whatever' (how mature).

 

I know I shouldn't have but I said I hope you are not actually expecting me to be nice to you after the stunt you pulled on me. As far as I'm concerned, you need to leave me alone and that includes when we run into each other. He actually tried to blame me for the whole thing and said oh don't play so innocent you know what was going on that night, etc. I said I did not, I made it very clear I did not want a one night stand and I thought we were back together. He said well then you misunderstood but you are now just pissed off because that is what you do to finish things off, you cannot do it in a nice manner. I said, you think what you did was nice?! I had nothing but best wishes for you until this happened but now I am truly done and thanks to this, I have seen your true colors and have moved on.

 

He replied with a really low comment about an ex of mine which was a very short relationship as that guy did completely play me as he and everyone else fully know. He said, oh now I know what happened there - you just blamed him. And I said you are very, very low to even go there. I think you have a lot of growing up to do. He then said he is sorry about how things turned out and it is never easy, etc. I said it may not be easy but there can be respect and he has shown me none. And he said sorry again and I just said well I am sorry that you have lost someone who truly cared about you, not just as a girlfriend but as a friend too because I really no longer want you in my life.

 

That was the end of the conversation. I am sure I will never hear from him again and even if I do, I will not reply. He also at some point in the middle said he did not even decide he was finished with it until two days after we met up. I told him that is very convenient to say now specially as he did not tell me that day and we hadn't even really spoken in those two days. I am fairly sure he just said that so he is not the 'bad guy' as far as the booty call goes!

 

Again... this really hurt

[TaraMaiden]

Ok.

You feel it needed saying; it probably did, but at least you made your current position and attitude abundantly clear.

 

Pick up your stuff, leave his there, and end it, here and now.

 

Good girl - you're doing fine.

 

Of course it hurts - but then, stabs in the back usually do.

[Ph123]

Thanks so much Tara.

 

I think the worst part of it all is - and I cannot believe I am saying this - but there is STILL a part of me that is hoping he will come to his senses. What is wrong with me?!

 

The childish part of me just wants him to come back grovelling so I can send him packing. The less childish part of me is actually still holding on to that tiny strand of hope. I feel like kicking my own butt!!

[TaraMaiden]

In a relationship there is always one who loves and cares more than the other.

That's obviously you.

 

"He who cares the least, controls the most."

 

Remember that.

never a truer word said.

[Ph123]

Wow, this guy is a serious piece of work!!

 

We ran into each other today at a friend's house and of course, I completely ignored him. He came up to me shortly after I got there and asked me if I am talking to him. I said, no I told you to leave me alone. He muttered something rude under his breath and walked off.

 

Then he came up to me again when I was talking to a friend and told the friend I am a bitch and he doesn't want to talk to me (please note, he seems to have morphed into a 5 year old!!). My friend told him off and he went off again.

 

Then he came to me and told me if I cannot be friendly with him in public then I should stop going to these gatherings!!! I told him to mind his own business and I had clearly told him I do not want him in my life and that is what is happening now. He said oh get over what's happened and just act normal - and I said I am very much over it, however, I do not have the time of the day for people like him. He proceeded to throw a tantrum and accused me of playing games at which point I just told him he is utterly pathetic and walked away and carried on doing my own thing for the rest of the time I was there.

 

What an absolute lunatic!!

[TaraMaiden]

He's slowly showing himself up for the total pathetic loser he is.

 

And not so 'slowly' either!

 

What a jerk!

 

Well handled!

[BC1980]

Wow, this guy is a serious piece of work!!

 

We ran into each other today at a friend's house and of course, I completely ignored him. He came up to me shortly after I got there and asked me if I am talking to him. I said, no I told you to leave me alone. He muttered something rude under his breath and walked off.

 

Then he came up to me again when I was talking to a friend and told the friend I am a bitch and he doesn't want to talk to me (please note, he seems to have morphed into a 5 year old!!). My friend told him off and he went off again.

 

Then he came to me and told me if I cannot be friendly with him in public then I should stop going to these gatherings!!! I told him to mind his own business and I had clearly told him I do not want him in my life and that is what is happening now. He said oh get over what's happened and just act normal - and I said I am very much over it, however, I do not have the time of the day for people like him. He proceeded to throw a tantrum and accused me of playing games at which point I just told him he is utterly pathetic and walked away and carried on doing my own thing for the rest of the time I was there.

 

What an absolute lunatic!!

 

He's trying to get a rise out of you, so don't give him the satisfaction. Ignore him. He is dead to you.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, you need to play it cool.

 

I remember when many years ago, I did a week's sponsored silence for Charity.

I had a couple of guys who tried to make me talk during this time.

 

According to one of my colleagues, the speech-less withering stares I gave them, scared her, so goodness knows how they felt!

 

Sometimes, saying nothing at all, just makes them bury themselves even deeper.

 

This may well be one of those 'times'.....

[Ph123]

Haha, yeah - I guess I feel a little better knowing I really got under his skin by ignoring him and then keeping calm and not reacting to his comments.

 

To be honest though, I am still so mad at myself because deep down inside I still want him back - how long till this goes away do you think?

 

Of course, I know he is a jerk, I know he is not good for me, all of that is very much there.. but then so is the hope. It's not good I know!!

[TaraMaiden]

Focus on his actions, and how he is treating you, in public, in front of others.

You really think that's someone you would do well to re-connect with?

 

This indicates you lack a bit of self-esteem;

There is a quasi-subliminal neediness in you. A desire to be validated. A thought that if he takes you back, also (I've just thought of this) you'd be thinking "see? I told you I'm good for you! I knew you'd want me back!"

 

But it wouldn't be good, even if you did re-unite.

Seriously?

You want him back after this?

 

Honey.... c'mon!!

[sooshi]

Your breakup is so recent. You need some time to process everything heal! Don't expect that you should be over it all within a couple of weeks. You've acknowledged that he isn't good for you, so that's a good first step towards healing. The hope will fade over time.

[Ph123]

Oh I know exactly what you mean - realistically speaking, should he actually come back, I'm fairly sure I wouldn't take him back.

 

What I meant is - more of a longing for what was. I don't know if that makes any sense.. As in, I know it will never be like that again, I am quite sure we will never get back together again - but I still miss what was and the irrational side of me is still longing for that. Basically, despite how ridiculous I find him now and even dislike him, on the flip side - some of the other feelings are there too.

 

I guess for the first time ever, I know what people mean when they say the heart wants one thing and the brain something else?

[sooshi]

It's normal to feel that way. You're able to distinguish what it is you truly miss (what was, rather than for HIM), so that's good. You'll get through it. The longing will subside.

[Ph123]

Thanks Sooshi. I really hope so - and the sooner, the better.

 

This man has hurt me over and over again for the past month or more and I just really want to feel okay again. I guess I have to be patient like you said

[BC1980]

I wanted my ex back for months. People were telling me I was crazy after what he did to me, which I knew was logically true. There was no trust anymore, and he actually told me to my face that he didn't accept me for who I was. I realized I had some serious self esteem issues that had been ongoing in the relationship. I'm still working on my self esteem, but NC is a big part of that. Each day that you don't contact your ex is a day that you say you are worth it. You don't need this other person to throw you breadcrumbs of validation.

 

I don't need his friendship, which he offered. I knew I had made strides when I finally refused that and went stone cold silent. I know he will contact me again, and I now see it as a chance to cement that I have better self esteem. He will only get silence from me.

[Cpt]

I will help you get over this pathetic example of a man in no time, just answer my questions as honestly and descriptive as you can.

 

What is it that attracts you most to your ex?

[Ph123]

I wanted my ex back for months. People were telling me I was crazy after what he did to me, which I knew was logically true. There was no trust anymore, and he actually told me to my face that he didn't accept me for who I was. I realized I had some serious self esteem issues that had been ongoing in the relationship. I'm still working on my self esteem, but NC is a big part of that. Each day that you don't contact your ex is a day that you say you are worth it. You don't need this other person to throw you breadcrumbs of validation.

 

I don't need his friendship, which he offered. I knew I had made strides when I finally refused that and went stone cold silent. I know he will contact me again, and I now see it as a chance to cement that I have better self esteem. He will only get silence from me.

 

Well said BC! I hope to get to the same place in time. They say it takes 3 weeks to break a habit? I am hoping by then at least I will be used to not speaking to him about everything and I will stop missing him so darn much!

 

As for his friendship - I completely agree with you. I know with my ex, I want all or nothing. I have plenty of other friends, thanks!

[Ph123]

I will help you get over this pathetic example of a man in no time, just answer my questions as honestly and descriptive as you can.

 

What is it that attracts you most to your ex?

 

Hello CPT! Well - as I said, currently, absolutely nothing. It's not the him at present that has me hooked, it's the memories - how much we both loved each other, how happy I was (and thought he was too) and how close we were.

[sooshi]

You'll get all of that (and more!) with someone else, Ph123.

[Ph123]

I sure hope so Sooshi!

[BC1980]

Hello CPT! Well - as I said, currently, absolutely nothing. It's not the him at present that has me hooked, it's the memories - how much we both loved each other, how happy I was (and thought he was too) and how close we were.

 

Never agree to be friends. I tried to be friends with my ex because I didn't want to loose him, and I was close to his son. That was the biggest mistake ever. You will never move on, and why be friends with someone who treated you poorly? Why would I be friends with someone who basically told me he loved me conditionally? I have friends and family who actually do love me no matter what, so I will stick with them. I don't need the validation of this one person. I won't get into what else he did, but it's not something that is excusable.

 

The part about the memories of the good times hit home. I still struggle with this to some extent, but it was a huge stumbling block at one point. My ex did a lot of great things for me, and we had some wonderful times. It's hard to reconcile that person with what he ended up doing. I think the best you can do is realize that we are human. We aren't all bad or good. It's hard because you hate the person who wronged you, but you love the person who made you happy. You are up against quite a mix of emotions. It's not like when someone dies, and you can grieve the happy memories. You grieve for what you wished it had been. You grieve the potential. Ultimately, you will have to let it go and make peace. It took me many months to make peace with it, and I don't know that I have totally and fully made peace with it. It's ongoing, and I am getting there. It's a journey.

[Cpt]

Hello CPT! Well - as I said, currently, absolutely nothing. It's not the him at present that has me hooked, it's the memories - how much we both loved each other, how happy I was (and thought he was too) and how close we were.

 

Well if what you say is true, then we can count on you not to go back to him?

 

What did you find most attractive about him in the old him then?

[Ph123]

Never agree to be friends. I tried to be friends with my ex because I didn't want to loose him, and I was close to his son. That was the biggest mistake ever. You will never move on, and why be friends with someone who treated you poorly? Why would I be friends with someone who basically told me he loved me conditionally? I have friends and family who actually do love me no matter what, so I will stick with them. I don't need the validation of this one person. I won't get into what else he did, but it's not something that is excusable.

 

The part about the memories of the good times hit home. I still struggle with this to some extent, but it was a huge stumbling block at one point. My ex did a lot of great things for me, and we had some wonderful times. It's hard to reconcile that person with what he ended up doing. I think the best you can do is realize that we are human. We aren't all bad or good. It's hard because you hate the person who wronged you, but you love the person who made you happy. You are up against quite a mix of emotions. It's not like when someone dies, and you can grieve the happy memories. You grieve for what you wished it had been. You grieve the potential. Ultimately, you will have to let it go and make peace. It took me many months to make peace with it, and I don't know that I have totally and fully made peace with it. It's ongoing, and I am getting there. It's a journey.

 

Hi BC,

 

I completely understand what you are saying. I have no desire to just be friends with him anyway - what we had was far more and I guess it is impossible to erase that and try to go back to the friends that we originally were. He initially claimed he could do that but clearly he can't either.

 

The memories.. yep, that is what hurts the most. A few years ago, I had to leave a relationship that was actually much longer and even more serious than this one and while that also hurt, it was easier to cope with as that guy never did the kind of things that this ex did for me and also, the reasons for it not working it were very clear to me. In this case, I am struggling because I see still the lost potential as you said. I am sorry you are still having a hard time with some things too.. it's never easy.

[Ph123]

Well if what you say is true, then we can count on you not to go back to him?

 

What did you find most attractive about him in the old him then?

 

Hi Cpt,

 

I'll be honest - I cannot say that with 100% certainty yet but I think it is very, very unlikely that I would go back to him after everything that has happened. Frankly speaking, it is also very unlikely that he would want me back and I certainly have no intentions to approach him for a reconciliation so I think all things considered, that is pretty much done.

 

What I found most attractive about him in the beginning: well, he is very intelligent and has a great sense of humor - both things are very important to me - and his personality in general. He also understood me very well which is very rare - sounds silly, but most people in my life really don't unless they have known me for a very long time. I suppose the fact that he was my best friend for a long time before we got together gave him that understanding. On top of that, we always had chemistry and he knew exactly what I needed/wanted and vice versa so it all worked really well. I don't know if I believe in the concept of soulmates but I think if we were to go down that road, he was as close to one as I have ever met.

[Leigh 87]

You are not a baby, you can very well keep in contact with your friends without HIM being in the picture.

 

I mean geez, you don't HAVE to always hang out as a big group. If they cared about you they wouldn't expect you to, they would understand that you wanted to avoid this guy!

 

Facebook and call them; don't see them as often.

 

Tell them of your situation and ask if they can organise to hang out with you alone, one on one, without him there.

 

It should be that much of a hassle to give you their company without HIM always being there. Like come on now, that is ridiculous and they are not really our friends if they can't make the time for you without HIM being there.