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I'm just begging for her to hurt me again :/ [Update: I finally ended it!!!!]

Dante311

By Dante311
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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I do just that. I try and do more... be more flexible. Be more accommodating. Be available when she needs me... but when I need her, she can't be there. she does her own thing. it is painful... so painful :(

 

Well, you know this and you have to do something to stop this. Of course it is painful. But what is the alternative? I told you, you can be the most wonderful, giving, loving, caring partner -- it won't change who they inherently are. What you give and who you are does not make them become what you want them to become.

 

After every episode of giving, loving, carring that you dish out, you wait for some transformation to happen -- it doesn't. Then you wait again. It doesn't. You wait again. It doesn't. Cycle and recycle. Nothing happens. You're waiting for her to become this person you so desire but she will not and cannot be what you want her to be. If you can settle for nothing, stay in this relationship. If you desire more, you have to leave because she won't give you what you need and you need to stop waiting for it.

 

The only results you get out of doing what you are doing is you damaging your own sense of worth and image. That's the only outcome from your situation with this woman. You get nothing in return except damage.

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bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

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You all make it sound so easy. I feel trapped :( She even gave me the opportunity to walk away and I couldn't take it.

 

I'm weak.

 

 

This is going to sound like a cruel person but I have a cousin who is the type of person who doesn't mince words. When the time comes and he's had enough, he tells it like it is.

 

He go involved with a girl who just couldn't act like an adult and brother did she have problems. Don't know if she had BP or not but she always ran hot and cold.

 

Finally the breaking point came and he let it fly and told her to go pound salt and when she started to ask why he was acting like that, he looked at her and said, "Your nuts and you need help and I'm up to my ears with your wishy washy bull $h!t and do me a favor and get the hell out of my life!"

 

I asked him how he felt about saying that and he twisted off the cap of a beer, looked at me and said "real good, should have said it long ago" and that was it.

 

She called him a half dozen times and when she did he said "get help because you need it." and he never looked back.

 

He did tell me that he really like d her a lot but she was dragging him down to where it was affecting his work, his life and he felt that she would rather pawn her problems off on someone else rather than fix them. Can't blame the guy. He got over her.

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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AHA!

 

She apologized.

 

win.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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AHA!

 

She apologized.

 

win.

 

No win.

 

These types only apologize to get their benefits back. They don't apologize because they empathize for you and your feelings. They apologize to win what they could possibly lose. It's her win, not yours.

 

I just told you, when someone does not have empathy, they cannot relate or identify with your needs. Apologizing requires empathy, the ability to feel your pain, understand it and fix it. That is not what is happening here. Her apology is for her, not for you. It allows her to get back her control over you.

 

I'm so sorry you're not seeing this for what it is. Apology or not, she still remains the same person she is. Her selfishness still exists and her treatment of you will remain.

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Oui oui Member

Oui oui

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Listen to zahara! She speaks the truth! I was married for 15 years to a person just like this. I agree completely with everything zahara said.

 

Love yourself enough to set yourself free!

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Hello_is_it_me Established Member

Hello_is_it_me

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AHA!

 

She apologized.

 

win.

 

NO. FAIL. Judge people by their ACTIONS. Not what they say. She has shown time and time again that she doesn't care much for you. You can stay in this relationship but if you do I will prepare to see you start another thread on here soon.

 

I would consider you look into counseling. You might have some type of dependent personality disorder thing going on.

Thicke2013 Established Member

Thicke2013

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No win.

 

These types only apologize to get their benefits back. They don't apologize because they empathize for you and your feelings. They apologize to win what they could possibly lose. It's her win, not yours.

 

I just told you, when someone does not have empathy, they cannot relate or identify with your needs. Apologizing requires empathy, the ability to feel your pain, understand it and fix it. That is not what is happening here. Her apology is for her, not for you. It allows her to get back her control over you.

 

I'm so sorry you're not seeing this for what it is. Apology or not, she still remains the same person she is. Her selfishness still exists and her treatment of you will remain.

 

You are spot on Zahara! I was in a relationship with my BP ex for 16 years and married for 12 of those. We have 3 beautiful children that I wouldn't trade the world for but she is showing how selfish she really is after our divorce. When I told her I was leaving she told me that she would go get help and she wanted to do counseling (this was a theme throughout our marriage. She would say that and go one time and never go back). This was all a ploy to get me to stay. I left and couldn't be happier! Man what a weight has been lifted! I have a normal relationship with a magnificent woman and she appreciates me! A new concept to me. The ex move another guy in our old house 2 months after I moved out. We weren't even divorced yet. They still live together and she claims to be madly in love. He will see one day too that it's all about what he can give her. BP runs in her family by the way. I explained some of her symptoms to my therapist ( I had to go because being in a relationship with her all those years messed me up) and he said no doubt that she is classic BP. Dante you made the right choice. Stick with it and you will love yourself for it. Best of luck!

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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:(

 

I'm lost and confused.

Hello_is_it_me Established Member

Hello_is_it_me

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:(

 

I'm lost and confused.

 

You've gotta man up. You know what you should do. You hear all the advice on this board telling you what you should do.

Noproblem Established Member

Noproblem

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She might be the one you love, but she is not the one who will make you happy or slightly comfortable ..

 

Love should give you peace and some kind of happiness ..Look at this mess? This is not love ..this is torture ...Leave her ....

 

You deserve better

 

Step on your stubborn heart, it will kill you, but you won't die ..You will survive and get so much better later ....

  • 2 weeks later...
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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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Last thread with my story... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/468916-i-am-fool-even-salvageable?highlight=dante311

 

Long story short... we found out where I matched. I'm in medicine. She was so happy.. she's dating a doctor who is caring, loving, etc, etc, etc...

 

A year ago I was in a bad place emotionally. Stressed from school, she was having her typical mood swings and putting me down... even dumped me... I was a first responder at the Boston Marathon bombings.... I was just down and out. She snooped on my facebook and caught me flirting with another woman... a girl I knew from 6 years ago.. never had a fling with, but it was comfortable. We used to work out together. Yes, I was wrong, but that night the current girl had put me down, threatened to break up again and went to bed without any resolution or compromise. I was upset.

 

So present day... things were great the moment she learned where I matched, etc etc... I'm apparently amazing and going to be a great father etc... and she admitted she's stressed, doesn't know how to handle it, yadda yadda yadda. She decided to "rub it in" her friend's face who is having difficulty getting in. And snap. He starts putting me down to her. She calls me and asks me about everything. I tell her exactly what I did, and that half the ****, she knew about and the other half I never did. She believed him, not me.

 

Well now, I'm a terrible human being. she can't trust me. She doesn't want to trust me. she went out with another guy and when I asked her if her and I are still together, she said she won't give me the gratification of knowing. She'll leave that up to me.

 

...Harsh, cold words.

 

I'm trying to still walk away. I have been trying to walk away for a year now. I can't seem to be an adult in relationships. I'm a child... I'm still seeing my therapist. I made an analogy that there is a dead horse in my backyard and i'm emotionally attached to it... and I keep swatting the flies away, but let the dead horse stay... he told me I need to do something about that. We're meeting today. This is going to be addressed, but he doesn't think there is anything wrong with me.. other than PTSD from the Boston Bombings last year (which I sought immediate treatment for.. the girlfriend wasn't even THAT supportive :( ) and mild ADD...

 

ugh

 

fck my life (in relationships) ... everything else seems to be going well. :(

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. You say everything else in your life is going well, but I fear that that will change if you continue with this mess. Salvage what good you have going for you and recover your sanity by leaving this girl.

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Thomas the Red Fox Established Member

Thomas the Red Fox

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Bad time to get into medicine brother. Would've taken a different path

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. You say everything else in your life is going well, but I fear that that will change if you continue with this mess. Salvage what good you have going for you and recover your sanity by leaving this girl.

 

I've been with her for 2.5 years.. and suffered with some good. Again, she's good at intermittent conditioning, as my therapist puts it. She knows when to make me feel good to keep me on a leash.

 

I'm afraid of being detached and alone.

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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Bad time to get into medicine brother. Would've taken a different path

 

Tell me about it.

 

I do it for the love of the patients.

 

The debt > the long term payout thanks to the affordable care act ie obama-care

Thomas the Red Fox Established Member

Thomas the Red Fox

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Tell me about it.

 

I do it for the love of the patients.

 

The debt > the long term payout thanks to the affordable care act ie obama-care

 

Exactly. That's why I chose a different path. I miss the medical field but decided occupational therapy assistant was close enough. Plenty of places start you at 35 dollars an hour. Though I miss medical school.

 

Where are you in your trek? I see you're still in school...

 

 

And it sounds as if this girl had no trust in you. That, or she was looking for a reason to leave. And she is indeed keeping you on a leash. Can't you find another? Took me like 2 weeks after my breakup to find a hot one. I bet you could too being as how you're in the med field

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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Exactly. That's why I chose a different path. I miss the medical field but decided occupational therapy assistant was close enough. Plenty of places start you at 35 dollars an hour. Though I miss medical school.

 

Where are you in your trek? I see you're still in school...

 

 

And it sounds as if this girl had no trust in you. That, or she was looking for a reason to leave. And she is indeed keeping you on a leash. Can't you find another? Took me like 2 weeks after my breakup to find a hot one. I bet you could too being as how you're in the med field

 

I don't know... attachment issues on my part? I can't seem to break away, even though I know I need to.

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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I've been with her for 2.5 years.. and suffered with some good. Again, she's good at intermittent conditioning, as my therapist puts it. She knows when to make me feel good to keep me on a leash.

 

I'm afraid of being detached and alone.

 

Dante,

 

You're not going to be alone. You have so much potential and a brighter future than the dooms-dayers would like you to believe. Things may have changed, but it just means you need to get your shyte in order to better navigate through a new world...medicine has always been a mess, always meant LT debt.

 

It sounds like you know that she's a manipulator. Get rid of her. You do have a lot to offer...great potential that needs continued cultivation and you won't get there having this girl around.

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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Dante,

 

You're not going to be alone. You have so much potential and a brighter future than the dooms-dayers would like you to believe. Things may have changed, but it just means you need to get your shyte in order to better navigate through a new world...medicine has always been a mess, always meant LT debt.

 

It sounds like you know that she's a manipulator. Get rid of her. You do have a lot to offer...great potential that needs continued cultivation and you won't get there having this girl around.

 

Ha, I wish I could date someone like you.

(I really hope you're female)

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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Ha, I wish I could date someone like you.

(I really hope you're female)

 

LOL!:D I am guy with a gf who is a doctor! :D

Thomas the Red Fox Established Member

Thomas the Red Fox

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Why do you fear being alone dante?

 

What is your relationship with your mother and father

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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LOL!:D I am guy with a gf who is a doctor! :D

 

Cheers!

 

:lmao:

 

I'm in my office reading vent tracings... I mean I'm posting here instead of doing my work. :D

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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Why do you fear being alone dante?

 

What is your relationship with your mother and father

 

We're a close family, actually. why?

 

My parents were always (and are) loving and supportive. My dad works really hard as a therapist... my mother a school teacher. very middle class. my dad even had 2 open heart surgeries. We all stuck together... I try and help them financially.

 

I love them with all my heart.

Thomas the Red Fox Established Member

Thomas the Red Fox

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Because fear of being alone generally stems from losing a parent or not having a good relationship with one.

 

I am curious where your insecurity then comes from.

 

 

Were you bullied in school?

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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Because fear of being alone generally stems from losing a parent or not having a good relationship with one.

 

I am curious where your insecurity then comes from.

 

 

Were you bullied in school?

 

In grammar school. In high school I was one of the popular kids. I was an athlete.

 

I'm 6'. I'm attractive. I'm athletic build (used to body build). not lacking in the bedroom. Apparently I'm smart.

 

I was once diagnosed with BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) and bigorexia.

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