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I'm just begging for her to hurt me again :/ [Update: I finally ended it!!!!]

Dante311

By Dante311
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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For anyone who read my post inquiring if my girlfriend is bipolar or what not... it goes downhill from there. I'm going to keep a long story as brief as possible. We've been together for 2 plus years...

 

In that time-span, we've broken up two times. In both instances, she missed me and realized how stupid she was and wanted me back. I'm the first guy she's missed so much and was miserable without. I was "happy". Word to the wise, I'm not innocent, but she was selfish. Everything was always about her... I could list thousands of examples, but here's one that should sit comfortably with you. About 8 months into our relationship, it was her birthday. Night -2, she got a rose, a picture frame with us in it, and a card I spent awhile writing. Night -1, a surprise birthday party from me (with all her friends)..., Night 0.... Dinner at a VERY fine restaurant on top of the city. Very expensive. She loved it.

 

Fast Forward to my birthday... I get up. I get calls and texts and facebook messages from people I haven't spoken with for 7 or 8 years??? Nothing from her. All day. I get home. We had spoken about hanging out with my brother and sister in law, mind you... I get nothing. She's on the sofa. "I overate... I can't move" I was SO disappointed. No card. No text. No gift. No going out. She realized her mistake the next day and tried to make up for it. I work (like most others) so hard every day and cater to her every need... I wanted to feel "SOMEWHAT" special on THIS day. Nope.

 

Within the last few months she's began playing intramural volleyball (a male friend from high school had invited her - she had run into him @ grad school). Well... they began inviting her out for drinks. She told me to trust her and be flexible. Fine. Not hard to do. But then she began going out and getting home late. Not wanting to see me. There was even this past weekend we agreed (my birthday weekend) to meet at X time. X time + 6 hours... she never communicated she was running late... burst in the door at 3am (I was alone on her sofa, fast asleep waiting for her). I was SO furious. You have NO idea.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. The last two days I had not heard from her at all. So I may have messaged her a few times asking if she was ok becuase I normally hear from her, even amid her BUSY schedule. I got a call last night and she was ANGRY. She wanted to end it on the phone... I told her to calm down, I asked if she was stressed... she said yes. She's pushing me away.... and yelled at me that she doesn't want to be with me and that she doesn't know if she loves me. I asked her how she could tell me she loved me and wanted to be with me over the weekend after she took me shopping for a birthday gift. She told me, it was easy to just tell me that. I got ANGRY. I scolded her telling her that she's been lying to me that she loves me and wants to be with me?!?!? She immediately denied that... and then we talked about taking some space till friday and then we'll see where we are at.

 

I told her that was ok... and I look forward to hearing from her, good or bad.

 

But I have a TERRIBLE feeling about this.

 

:(

 

Thank you in advance for your help...

 

what should I do?

 

I'm thinking of just ending it and saving myself the trouble of letting her do that.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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Do I remember right that people in your other thread had posted about her BPD symptoms? Regardless, this isn't going to get better. You are in an extremely unhealthy relationship that will damage you long term if you are not careful.

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AntiSocal Established Member

AntiSocal

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Go no contact asap. That girl sounds like a straight up psychopath. I would know ( see username) shes bad news.

 

She doesn't have any authentic feelings for you or for anyone else TBH. You can tell by the way that she behaves that in her mind its all "Her, her, her ,her , her , her"

 

When she calls begging for you back she is just bored and overreacting. Psychopaths tend to do that a lot. Have short lived emotional outbursts. So she'll cry her eyes out over you and think that shes feeling "SO MUCH PAIN!!!!!!!!" but 5 minutes later she'll be like "lol idc" cuz the pain isn't real for her. You aren't a person to her bro you're just a pawn.

 

Don't worry about the things she did wrong, if she cheated, if shes gonna come back begging and crying again, just go no contact and forget her forever. You keep going out with her shes gonna drag you down to her level and leave you jaded for life.

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Allumere Established Member

Allumere

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Get out!

 

There is nothing you have said that indicates any love or respect for you by your girlfriend. This is not going to change. She doesn't care. It is all about her, and even when it seems like she cares, it isn't out of genuine love for you, its because she is either getting something from you or as a way to not deal with you...and you gave us a clear example "she told me, it was just easy to tell me that." Take control and get off this roller coaster...end it.

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CaliGypsy Established Member

CaliGypsy

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Actions speak louder than words.

 

Even if she tells you she still wants to be with you...is the way she's treating you making you feel good? Loved ? Why would YOU want to be with her?

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BradJacobs Established Member

BradJacobs

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She seems lazy and volatile to me.

 

Find someone better.

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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You all make it sound so easy. I feel trapped :( She even gave me the opportunity to walk away and I couldn't take it.

 

I'm weak.

AntiSocal Established Member

AntiSocal

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You all make it sound so easy. I feel trapped :( She even gave me the opportunity to walk away and I couldn't take it.

 

I'm weak.

 

Man up. Start thinking logically bro. When you use logic the right answer will always be obvious to you. Shes never gonna be able to make you happy. And shes probably gonna leave you when she finds a man who isn't such a doormat.

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HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

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Poor thing. You're gonna come on here for advice and in the end not take it anyway. For your sake I hope she dumps you once and for all. Then you can work on your self esteem get some counseling, get a new one if your already getting counseling.

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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:(

 

oh.

 

Thanks?

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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END IT! She has new interests and is beginning, if already haven't, to seek other avenues of affirmation, self-absorption, etc. LEAVE HER! I didn't have to read your full profile (I did) before realizing that she was not for you.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Roller coasters & merry go rounds are fun at amusement parks. They are horrible in relationships.

 

 

there is already too much drama.

 

 

Stop thinking about what you are losing if you break up with her. Start thinking about what you will be gaining: a healthy relationship with someone who treats you nicely.

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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I just asked her when I can pick up the rest of my things.

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soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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I just asked her when I can pick up the rest of my things.

 

DON'T LOOK BACK. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO CHANGE HER MIND AND DO NOT "TALK" ABOUT IT.

 

You're doing the best thing for you.

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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I know.. it doesn't feel good. at all.

 

I feel like I'm making a mistake.

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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I know.. it doesn't feel good. at all.

 

I feel like I'm making a mistake.

 

Dante311,

 

This move will force her hand. If she REALLY wants to be with you, she will respond appropriately. BUT, you have to know that she is NOT the same person you knew. Or perhaps never was. The mistake would be in a relationship with someone who uses you, takes you for granted, minimizes you.

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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Dante311,

 

This move will force her hand. If she REALLY wants to be with you, she will respond appropriately. BUT, you have to know that she is NOT the same person you knew. Or perhaps never was. The mistake would be in a relationship with someone who uses you, takes you for granted, minimizes you.

 

Thank you :love:

 

I'm a very romantic, loving, affectionate, devoted guy. I hate being only able to see her 1-2 nights a week... and she spends more time with her friends.

 

YET.. I'm the one for her and she wanted a future with me (before last night)...

 

Then last night, in the heat of an argument was so MEAN and told me it was easy to tell me all that. I think she meant it, too. It burns... stings... ugh

 

In my heart, if this ends now... (for the third time)... it ends for good. Forever. No relationship. No friendship. No communication. Ever.

 

I always leave exes in the past.

 

her and I had no friendship before...

 

thank you :)

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soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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Curious...why did you two break up the first two times? Who did the breaking-up?

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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Dante, get out. Reading that birthday story struck a chord. There's no depth in her emotions for you, that is why there is no ability to give back. I've been where you are and you can be the most wonderful partner anybody can ask for but when you're dealing with someone that has a very high level of selfishness and entitlement, it doesn't get better. Their issues are ingrained. They may change, manage their symptoms but unfortunately, they're hardwired to be who they are. Their issues always resurface and take over. They have no empathy and they have no ability to feel your feelings. When you have no empathy, you cannot understand and fulfill another persons needs or even identify with it.

 

This is going to be difficult for you to get out of because toxic relationships are the worst to detach from. You've become an extension of her and you've been conditioned to give and give and never receive. You're going to want to repeat the cycle because you want so badly to receive validation from her. YOU WILL NOT GET IT.

Edited by Zahara
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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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Dante, get out. Reading that birthday story struck a chord. There's no depth in her emotions for you, that is why there is no ability to give back. I've been where you are and you can be the most wonderful partner anybody can ask for but when you're dealing with someone that has a very high level of selfishness and entitlement, it doesn't get better. Their issues are ingrained. They may change, manage their symptoms but unfortunately, they're hardwired to be who they are. Their issues always resurface and take over. They have no empathy and they have no ability to feel your feelings. When you have no empathy, you cannot understand and fulfill another persons needs or even identify with it.

 

This is going to be difficult for you to get out of because toxic relationships are the worst to detach from. You've become an extension of her and you've been conditioned to give and give and never receive. You're going to want to repeat the cycle because you want so badly to receive validation from her. YOU WILL NOT GET IT.

 

There is much truth to these words... and I KNOW I need to get away. The ability to do so is so hard though, and I don't know why.

 

soccer... as far as the breaking up. It was her. Twice.

2nd tyme Member

2nd tyme

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This is the easiest one on LS to decipher. You must leave now. Only after leaving will you be able to heal and move on. You are susceptible to becoming the codependant in an unhealthy relationship. Find out why and work on that. Eventually, you will meet someone new and this will all fade into the past.

 

Or you can do what I did and spend several decades being miserable. Its up to you.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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There is much truth to these words... and I KNOW I need to get away. The ability to do so is so hard though, and I don't know why.

 

soccer... as far as the breaking up. It was her. Twice.

 

I just told you why it's hard for you to get out. You have been conditioned to be what she wants you to be. You don't give because you love, you give because you want to be validated and loved by her. And I can guarantee your self-esteem is shot to hell.

 

You know why. You're weak. You're dependent. Your self-esteem has eroded to nothing. You desire validation and to be loved. You're afraid of being alone.

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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I just told you why it's hard for you to get out. You have been conditioned to be what she wants you to be. You don't give because you love, you give because you want to be validated and loved by her. And I can guarantee your self-esteem is shot to hell.

 

You know why. You're weak. You're dependent. Your self-esteem has eroded to nothing. You desire validation and to be loved. You're afraid of being alone.

 

You nailed it...

 

it hurts so much.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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You nailed it...

 

it hurts so much.

 

I know. I've been where you are. The worst is knowing that the person never really actually loved you, in the deep, meaningful sense. All tha t investment down the drain. It's painful and unfathomable. And that plays in your head over and over again. Then you bargain and think that maybe if you just give a little more, or if you compromise a little more, or tolerate a little more or maybe even brainwash yourself into thinking it isn't that bad, you'll get what you want in the end. You won't.

 

This relationship is allowing your own issues to surface. Sometimes it's only through the worst and most painful experiences that we realize we have to focusing inward instead of seeking the external to validate and define who we are.

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

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I know. I've been where you are. The worst is knowing that the person never really actually loved you, in the deep, meaningful sense. All tha t investment down the drain. It's painful and unfathomable. And that plays in your head over and over again. Then you bargain and think that maybe if you just give a little more, or if you compromise a little more, or tolerate a little more or maybe even brainwash yourself into thinking it isn't that bad, you'll get what you want in the end. You won't.

 

This relationship is allowing your own issues to surface. Sometimes it's only through the worst and most painful experiences that we realize we have to start looking inward instead of seeking the external to validate and define who we are.

 

I do just that. I try and do more... be more flexible. Be more accommodating. Be available when she needs me... but when I need her, she can't be there. she does her own thing. it is painful... so painful :(

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