Very sudden breakup after 5 years. Really struggling and need support.

[harvest moon]

Five years ago, I met my boyfriend and we became inseparable. He was the most sensitive, thoughtful, caring person I've ever known. He would treat me like a princess. Always minding after me, telling me the biggest words etc. We were both 27 and bad a really dysfunctional relationship with our families, especially our mothers. He was trapped: had dropped off school, no job, was having occasional panic attacks and a lot of difficulty functioning as an adult.

 

I helped him and supported him (he did that for me also, always there to listen for the 100th time my thoughts and fears, reassuring me that he's my rock, that I have to trust him because we are our own family now and we'll take care of each other forever etc). He would take so good care of me, everybody said he was the perfect and most devoted boyfriend of the world. I, on the other hand, would be more difficult. Had outbursts, sometimes treating him bad etc., but always showing him my true face and explaining to him that it was my anger towards my parents that I let off, because I trusted him and thought he could handle it. And he did. And never said anything.

He managed to finish school (after 2-3 years into our relationship) and look for a job.

 

He found one before Christmas: he was going to work as a geologist in oil rigs. He would be away for 1.5 month, and then we would be working 2-3 weeks away from home and have another 2-3 weeks paid time off here at home. Before he left, there was no change whatsoever in our promises, words, dreams about the future etc. None at all! He went there and in his group there were only men and just one woman, age 26, who was in a 7 year old relationship. I was always really insecure and he knew I had much trouble managing my sensitivity and fears.

 

Two and a half weeks passed, and his words were the same. He would send me pictures of apartments to let to check them out, because we were about to move in together; would tell me that I’m his whole life and the only future he had. The last 3-4 days, I had gone mad (now I think that I sensed smth was wrong, even though nothing at all had changed in the surface) and I would fight all the time, hang up the phone to him etc. But he insisted that the only reason he suffers all the hardships there was for us and our future that was about to begin at last (we are both 31 now, and till he found the job the only money he had was a small allowance his mother would send him every month. And he would always tell me how much he appreciated the fact that I was patient enough to support him all these years and that now the time had come for him to take care of me. He even said that I could quit my job, that I hated, if I wanted, because he can support us both, till I find a new one. And that was just 2 days before what happened!). His last text message was that he really hopes we'll be together forever.

 

And then my world was shuttered. It was March 15th, we were fighting and said we would talk next day to try and find a solution so that our relationship survives the distance and we can be ok etc. He sent me the text about him wanting us to be together forever and said goodnight. The next day he didn't call me till midnight. He told me that yesterday he slept with this woman, the 26 year old. And that he doesn't know what to say, that he couldn't control it, that he is sorry and that he will always love me. I was beyond shocked. I asked him what about our dreams? All these words you kept saying till the last minute?

 

He said he meant them and doesn't know what else to say. I wasn't mad, I just wanted to understand. We hanged up. And he never ever called again. The days passed, and my image of his was so perfect that I had persuaded myself that it was 100% my fault that he did what he did, that I had forced him with my non stop complaints and criticism and lack of support. And that it was all due to stress and me driving him crazy with my insane demands. So I wrote him a really long email, where I acknowledged all my mistakes, asking him to forgive my behavior and to try to make things work.

 

I told him I was willing to forgive him and that I only wanted to listen to him and understand him and make our relationship stronger. He didn't reply. A week passed and I texted him that I'm suffering and I cannot understand how in just one day he stopped talking to me, I was supposed to be his family and now.. silence. I even called him twice. Nothing. And the next day he sent me an email, that was showing a man so weak and pathetic and so avoidant of any responsibility.

 

He told me that he doesn't know how we can ever be together again because what happened with her has happened again. And that what I wrote in my email may have some truth, but it was definitely not the reason for what happened. That he truly believes our relationship was wonderful, it made him completely full and happy, that he’ll probably never find someone so perfect for him or feel so close with anyone else, his love and passion for me hadn’t faded at all, there was nothing missing, that’s why it’s so hard for him to understand why he’s doing what he’s doing. That he knows he would have a full, meaningful and complete life with me, yet he cannot ignore neither explain what he’s feeling. And some other immature words. And in the end, he wrote ‘If you want, we can still meet when I return in 10 days and talk face to face. I love you’. He threw the ball to me.

 

He never explained anything. Just kept saying I don’t know why, I cannot explain it, I am so baffled and confused etc. Who does that? What kind of man treats the woman he supposedly loved more than his life this way? And doesn’t even pick up the phone to see Is she ok after what I’ve done to her? How weak and callous of a behavior is this? In just one day, everything I believed was gone.

 

And now comes my therapists diagnosis, which I’d also like to share. My ex had a really controlling widow mother. She was obsessed with her children, especially with him, being the most sensitive and caring. When I met him, he just couldn’t say no to her. Ever. I helped him gain strength and start separating himself from her. I had just began therapy and would share what I discussed with my T with him, so that we could both change (because our problem was similar, separating our image from our mother) and have a future as real adults. We would always analyze and talk about every little thing.

 

I knew he had trouble opening up, but trusted him when he told me that if it’s smth important, of course he will share it will me. He even had a long conversation with his mother, a year ago, where he explained her all the wrong she had done him and it was really liberating for him. My T told me that we had a sadistic-masochistic way of relating. Where I'd always be the one saying no and being negative about everything. And it was the only way he would say yes, because that was want was always happening with his mother.

 

She always said no, and that would make him unable not to say yes and not be dependent by her. And because lately I myself was changing, getting two jobs and kind of saying yes to our prospect of a real adult life, he panicked, didn't know how to relate to this new way of relating, so he became the one who said no. And he did smth so dramatic and cruel, because he hadn’t ever learned how it is to say no from time to time.

 

And he believes that if after what he did, I hadn't sent the email or begged him to talk to me and find a solution, he would eventually have returned to me. Because he would interpret it as another rejection from my side, meaning a ‘no’ and would return to take on the role of the one who says yes, when being rejected. And this way of relating would continue. But because I was so mature and open to move on and said yes to us etc. he panicked again and did it again, saying no (He told me it happened again the night I sent the texts begging him to find a solution).

 

But because cannot stand to realize all this, and has persuaded himself that he’s in love and it’s that simple, he says I don't know. And that he chose to turn to someone who is younger, just gotten out of a relationship, hence is emotionally unavailable, so that he won’t have to make the emotional step of completely letting go his mother and making a life of his own with another woman. And that what is really interesting is that it happened the first month that he was ‘freed’ from her, since he made his own money and had just lost the way of connecting with her via the allowance she would send him. He also mentioned that his silence and his email hide a lot of violence; it was cruel and inhuman. He destroys everything because he hasn't forgiven his mother. He told me not to meet with him because nothing will come out of it.

 

For you who managed to finish this post, thank you. I feel like I have lost hope in life. I was about to move out of my parents (I work two jobs but the money isn’t enough for me to get a house on my own) with the man I loved and start living my life and in one day everything was lost. He will be here in a few days for at least 3 weeks. I cannot see him. I am broken.

Edited April 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elseaacych]

Moon, I am so sorry for what you are going through. What he put you through was terrible, and you do not deserved to be treated like that.

 

What you can do right now to expedite your healing, is to completely cut him off. No phone, no facebook, no instagram, no nothing, no contact. If he calls, do not answer. It is going to be tough for you, but understand that in the long run, you want someone who will treat you with respect. And he has not done that, so do not respond to him, unless its "I am so sorry, I will never do it again. Let's try again." Even so, I would wait awhile for it (a month or so) if you feel like you want to go back to him, to sort through your feelings and determine what you really want.

 

And I am a big fan of the marriage ultimatum, if begs for you back. That way you can get a gauge for his true feelings. Hopefully, it will not have to come to that.

 

You are a strong woman, and you can get through this, one day at a time. Go keep seeing your therapist. Think about what you can do to take care of yourself during this time. Treat yourself to some new clothes, a haircut, and lots of time with friends and family. They love you, and will help you love yourself. Do not make any life changing decisions for the next few months. Think about it as pampering yourself in ways only you can. Feel free to grieve and cry, and post here (every day if you need to). We are here for you.

 

It may take a very long time, and a lot of work. There will be good days and bad days. But you will make it through this, and you will come out better on the other end.

 

There are three things you should know: You are enough: you are strong, full of love, and have lots to offer the world. Because of this everything will be okay. YOU WILL BE OKAY. Believe this with all of your heart. Every day. Even if it's hard some days, by thinking this every day, you will radically change your perspective.

 

Sending you a big hug.

Edited April 10, 2014 by elseaacych

[melell]

I am going to be completely honest about how I see this.

 

Regardless of psychological aspects, he acted in a way that is disrespectful to you, and in a way that devalues your relationship- bottom line, there was potential for you to turn away and never speak to him again, he knew that, and did it anyway. You are not as important to him as you should be.

 

This situation is hard, but by continuing to participate in any interaction with him is nothing short of devaluing yourself. You don't deserve any of this, and you certainly should not have to compromise your own worth for a relationship.

 

His personal history should not be relevant to your decision making with this- it is no excuse. It might help you make sense of everything, but it doesn't excuse his behavior.

 

Trust me, someone who really loves you/is capable of loving you, wouldn't treat you this way. It wouldn't happen. Do everything you can to move past this phase of your life- the longer you spend in it, the more time you take away from the potential to be happy.

[harvest moon]

Thank you both for your replies. I know you are right. I haven't contacted him since he sent me the email, and will not; I think he's so weak and scared and callous that he won't initiate any kind of contact. It's what you write that makes it so hard for me to comprehend it and accept it: there is simply no excuse for what he did. NONE. That's the most devastating and shocking part; he revealed a face that nobody could have predicted, after so many years, a face so opposite to the one he had, that I really do not know how to survive this realization and move on. I hurt so much, cannot even begin to describe the magnitude of the betrayal I feel.

[No Limit]

He had 5 years to transform into something better than he was, and he failed. You've seen a mirror of his future, insecurity, not daring to speak out, cowardly hiding from any responsibility that goes beyond just himself.

 

It's not a good future. You've dodged a bullet. It bruised you but it'll heal.

Let go and look for someone worthy, he's out there.

[KaliLove]

Oh my goodness, what a complete and total COWARD! I know you don't see this now, but you are SO much better off without him.

 

Truth be told, you have a lot more strength than a lot of the other posters here who can't manage NC. You didn't beg, you didn't plead, you didn't take breadcrumbs. You're holding fast. I admire you for that.

[harvest moon]

Thank you, KaliLove. Truth is, during the first 10 days, I was so shocked by what had happened and had such a distorted image of his in my mind (since for 5 years he would show me just his perfect side, with no weaknesses or fault when it came to us) that I took it all on me; he did it because he couldn't cope with me being judgmental, insecure and pussy. So I wrote to him, called him, asked him to talk to me, because 'we are one and nothing can change it'. I handled it very maturely and was very open to understand him, not judge him. I think this made him even more weak and scared, because he was taken aback; so he panicked even more, being the scared little man he turned out to be, and did it again, just to push me even further away. He couldn't handle it emotionally, being accepted and loved. So it was his silence as the days went by and the things that he wrote in his email that shocked me the most. I came to realize that it's 100% his emotional deficiency that caused all this; he couldn't handle real commitment and devotion, not only to me, but to anyone at all. He was always alone before I met him, and always with be. So his behavior and lack of communication after what he did, even after I pleaded with him so much to just talk to me and open up, were an eye-opener. As much as I hurt (and I hurt like I've never hurt before), I know that I need to stay away. He would destroy me, sooner or later. Having said that, I don't know, on the other hand, how I'm going to make it through. It's been a real struggle, each breath I take, it just hurts like hell.

[harvest moon]

When will the nightmares end? The waking up covered in sweat and palpitating..? When will I trust again.. I cannot even begin to understand how bad he handled it. And the saddest thing is that it's not even about this other woman; it was pure panic, immaturity and emotional deficiency that led us here. Nothing else; not gradual fading of emotions, boredom etc. He just couldn't stand real emotions and a true relationship. He is all alone. He didn't have anyone to love him in his life. Only me. And he pushed me away in the most cruel, panicky and callous way. How sad is this.

[elseaacych]

He sounds like a sick, sad individual who was incapable of loving you the way you needed and deserved to be loved, even if he treated you that way initially. It may be tough to hear, but you really dodged a bullet. If you need to, go back and reevaluate your relationship for other red flags. It may give you some perspective. Keep taking care of yourself, it's all you can do at this point.

 

My counsellor says that when you break up and are having physical reactions to it, you need to treat your body like it's sick, ad treat it in ways to make you feel better. Treat yourself.

 

It's going to be a long ride for you, but you can make it through.

[harvest moon]

Hey everybody..

 

Just thought I'd write an update on the paranoia I'm living. He never EVER called me again since the night he told me he cheated. Ever. What is more, I tracked down his previous and only gf he had before me. They were together for almost 2 years (he was 25 when they first got into the relationship) and he broke up with her the minute he targeted me when we worked together. I will post her story on their breakup. It's shocking how he did exactly the same thing to her. It's a bit long, but I think it's worth reading to realize how much of a psychopath he is. I'm trying to recover from the shock and realization that I was with a man who had no emotions whatsoever but was perfect at imitating them. Thank you all for you support. Between the parentheses are my own comments on her story.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It is my turn to tell you my own breakup story. I met him in May 2007, we were also colleagues (same as you and this new woman; he has worked in three jobs his whole life and each one he found a girlfriend). We were together until February 2008 and then asked him to break up because I was not really in love and I felt very bad that he was so giving. Also his behavior was a problem for me, because he did not want to do anything else than to be all day together like leeches – he did not even meet his friends. But generally there were behaviors that scared me. He of course told me that it was the first time he felt so in love, that’s why he did not bother doing anything else and he also made me all my favors and was perfect in any way; too perfect.

 

Anyway, we spent 6-7 months apart after the breakup and I make the stupid mistake to reunite with him (at that time we had no contact until our birthday – we share the same bday – when he called me). We went to the movies and he told me to be together again and that has changed; that he has become more functional etc. He asks me for one more chance and I accepted. Indeed, quickly I noticed that he was very different, almost normal, and I thought we could make it work out gradually. His sister and his friends later told me that during our breakup, he was like a zombie and all he did was to wake with a bottle of gin and drink all day (I knew all this, he had told me, he also slept around and that time. But he always added ‘oh, look how immature I was back then, it was my first relationship and I didn’t know how to handle anything, and see how much I’ve changed, blah blah blah). I was puzzled but also filled with guilt for the ''bad'' I had done to him. After the reunion we were together for about 9 months (which were very good and I feel really nice) until on May 22, 2009 (that was a week before he hit on me, and 2 weeks after we started talking at work and getting to know each other!)

 

He called me and told me that the next day, Saturday evening, he had booked a table at a nice restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. Note that only two days before had told me that I'm the woman of his life , that I am his whole world and he can not imagine his life without me. I remember because it had struck me how seriously and consciously he was saying those words! ( During this time, he had already met me and kind of flirted with me. And I had repeatedly asked him, during our relationship if at any time he has second thoughts or isn’t sure about us, then please please please not to treat me like her. Not to tell me big words and leave me out of the blue. And with the most serious voice and look he would answer: No, I didn’t tell her ANY big words towards the end, only that I loved her every now and then. Our relationship is so much different, there isn’t even a measure!) So he tells me about the romantic dinner and I am very happy.

 

We hang up and shortly after, I call him back and he tells me that he didn’t go to work and that he is not feeling very well. His voice is changed; suddenly, he is another man; very sad and acting really strange. I ask him when are you coming home and he says ''I do not know when and if I’ll come!''. I can not understand anything! I go to his place. He’s wasted and talks incomprehensively. I ask him what on earth can have changed in just two hours and he’s so changed? I ask him if he is hiding something, is he has found smn else. He swears that no and suddenly and for the first time ever he blurts out that he is not in love anymore. He asks me for time, I said no. I beg for an honest explanation and he only tells me I do not know what to tell you. I do not believe a word, all seems so paranoid. And then, he tells me the most disgusting thing anyone has told me in my life: ''It is unfair if I stay with you. You're a really nice and beautiful girl and I could easily continue to have sex with you, but I know you do not want just that from us.'' I really can not describe to you how I felt that moment. I tell him ‘that’s it, goodbye’, and I leave.

 

That evening, a mutual friend of ours calls him, because she really can not believe that this perfect, sensitive and caring man broke up with me just like that, and he is wasted again and saying crap. The next day I call him (meanwhile his mother had arrived and was staying with him – note that because whenever his mother was here, he act strange) and he sounds just fine! Like a crazy person! As if nothing was wrong! I ask him again to give me an explanation and starts again telling me that crap, that he knows that he will not find anyone else like me and that it’s his loss, and some other schizophrenic words. My nerves are broken and at some point I start to cry. A lot. He listens and laughs!!! And says “Come on now, haha”. At that point, I was so sick of him and realized how sick of a person he is. Over the previous period he had made every possible attempt to win my heart and make me fall in love with him, and when he achieved it, he threw me away with so much hatred. The afternoon of the same day, he starts calling me; of course, I didn’t pick up. And he texts me ''forgive me. I did not know what I was saying. I want to see you, I love you.'' I say to myself this man must be locked up. Luckily I did not even answer.

 

I’m sure that if you had told him go to hell after he told you he cheated, he would have come back begging for your forgiveness, just to win you over again and then leave you. After that day there was no other communication . He finished it all at the day of our anniversary. As if he had planned it; so twisted (He also wrote me this final crazy email at the day of our monthly anniversary, we would say happy anniversary every month, and he sent it at the 28th, which was the day of our anniversary). And on 26/6 (our bday) he sends me a text happy bday and I wish you well and happiness, like there was nothing wrong (I rem that day, we were out on a date and he told me that he would text his ex, and I was like oh, he is so mature now, leaving it all behind and wishing her well!!!).

 

No one has ever has treated me so awful and with so much hatred. Frankly, however, so many years after that I also –like you—thought he can’t be such a sick and twisted man, just immature. Because I thought a person with this mind and deep emotional world can not be that bad and selfish, just terrible at handling emotions and hard situations. But after what you told me, I am convinced 100% that he is also an incredibly bad person who hates women; he targets sensitive and giving women who are unavailable, wears the façade they want to see in order to fall for him for as long as it takes, takes whatever he cans from them, and when he’s done and has targeted the next one, he discards them without a second thought.

 

He is a very ugly and sad person and I am really sorry for what he did to you. Sorry if to bore you with a ton of details, but it is hard to describe coherently all this paranoia. I understand that you are looking to find answers but there is nothing more to it: just a deeply troubled person. A psychopath.

[harvest moon]

Any words of comfort..? Somebody? How to trust again after being with a psychopath for so long..

[GorillaTheater]

You got a bad one. We all have, at some point, and they don't often openly advertise how bad they truly are.

 

This hurts, I know, but ultimately he's done you a big favor. If you don't see that now, I hope you see it soon.

[No Limit]

You think he's a psychopath? Think of all those men like this guy who have wives, kids and regulary go to see their 'secondary women'.

You ought to be glad that you got the coward-type that couldn't get their eyes closed with guilt, or else you'd be at worst living with such a person until you find out yourself... if you ever find out.

 

On a sidenote; next time you date a person, inform yourself when he ended his last relationship. If they're having a sidepiece while dating you I'm afraid they won't tell you, but at least you'll get the idea how ready the guy is for a new partner if he answers with "Just yesterday".

[lara 77]

Dear moon

I am certain this guys shows very strong symptoms of borderline personality

Read the thread on LS borderline Ex

He is horrible and ugly