Guy omits something HUGE on OLD.

[regine_phalange]

I think people in wheelchairs can be very independent. Just think hydra and the other women in the thread who have mentioned not wanting to be a nurse maid are trying to verbalize their emotional disgust at dating a guy in a wheelchair. And are maybe not saying exactly what it is that disgusts them. Trying to convince them you don't really have to be their nurse maid is missing the point. It's still a guy who can't even stand up. How is that supposed to make a lot of women feel feminine?

 

Though I will say there are so few real men left that I wouldn't be surprised if a few women found a way to overlook that limitation if they did find a real man who just happened to be handicapped.

 

I understand that they are not attracted and ive said it's totally valid. Who am I to dictate what is attractive to others? I havent been attracted to someone on a wheelchair either (until now, but maybe it is because in my country they dont go out that much! You gotta see our pavements). But I didnt like the tone of some posters, and their obvious disgust/discrimination. Move on allright, but be gentle and fair. Even on the internet. There may be wheelchair users in this forum who may have read this topic.

[nescafe1982]

That's a beautiful story, but it reads so much like the feel-good don't let your __ get you down, buddy! Hallmark tales that float around the internet I can't even relate. I 100% believe you but it all sounds so patronizingly optimistic. I really don't want that kind of life.

 

See, that's the problem: that I tell you that a man who's in a chair leads a normal life that no one would blink twice at if he were bipedal, and you hear it at "so patronizingly optimistic" as to be incredible.

 

I'm not judging you for who you choose to date, by any means. That's your choice, and preferences are, well, preferences. By all means, don't date a guy in a chair if you are incapable of looking past his chair.

 

He will require someone with he ability to do so without constantly judging him or "feeling sorry" for him. It can make dating difficult, but by no means impossible.

[nescafe1982]

How does that work? He needs his hands to move the wheelchair right? So do they just kind of dance/wheel beside each other or something? How would he keep his hands on her and wheel at the same time?

 

They do a series of moves, most of which involve him holding her hand(s) and moving with her as she does most of the dancing, sort of around him. For close slow-dances, he "leads" while she sits on his lap. It probably sounds "different," but it's pretty adorable. Whenever we go to a wedding together (been a lot of them in our group of friends lately), he usually dances up several of the ladies... turns out chicks like to dance with him once they see him on the dance floor (obv, the slow dancing modification is reserved solely for his fiance).

Edited April 12, 2014 by nescafe1982

[Standard-Fare]

Why has no one here mentioned the disservice this guy is doing to HIMSELF, which makes a very sad statement.

 

He's obviously not going after the right type of women to begin with, because those would be the ones who register the wheelchair and immediately think "No biggie." He's setting himself up for inevitable rejection. Which I'm sure gives him more fuel for a poor self-image, and self-pity about his wheelchair.

 

How much more attractive would it be to EVERYONE if he was immediately straightforward about his wheelchair, with the attitude of: "If you don't like it, don't waste my time." How many more potential relationships would be open up for himself, instead of repeatedly guaranteeing himself failure?

[KathyM]

He should have been honest about it early on. Any life-threatening illness or major disability is something that should be disclosed early on. When people are investing their time and emotions into a relationship or potential relationship, they certainly have a right to know about issues that would affect them. This disability not only affects the man, but would also significantly affect the relationship partner. The OP had a right to know, and early on in their talks, rather than be strung along without disclosing a major disability. You have no reason to feel guilty for this being a dealbreaker, anymore than a major illness might be a dealbreaker.

 

 

And people shouldn't be trying to shame her for this being a dealbreaker. It would greatly affect her life, and I doubt those who are trying to shame would be so quick to date a person with a major disability or a major illness.

[nescafe1982]

Why has no one here mentioned the disservice this guy is doing to HIMSELF, which makes a very sad statement.

 

He's obviously not going after the right type of women to begin with, because those would be the ones who register the wheelchair and immediately think "No biggie." He's setting himself up for inevitable rejection.

 

True, and probably the one place I feel conflicted about my opinion that his decision not to include this on his OLD profile is understandable.

 

But at the same time, including such a detail on one's profile also attracts weirdos. There's a fetish for everything, for real... and including something like a physical disability could invite some, erm, "interesting" attention too.

[tbf]

Sex is out of the question and from what I understand now, he needs and extraordinary level of care (it's not just mere paralysis we're talking about here. I run, I dance, I travel. All things he cannot do. Things that he claimed he enjoyed doing.

I'm bumping this part for others to read because it's very important.

 

After reading the opening post, I thought, well yeah, he didn't lie to you, only omitting the wheelchair part until you had a chance to get to know him.

 

And then I read this post. No sex, needs a lot of care and can't share interests you love where he claimed to enjoy doing them too. This shifted my entire perspective.

 

Let him down gently but concisely. He'll be expecting it since he misrepresented himself.

[Teraskas]

He should have been honest about it early on. Any life-threatening illness or major disability is something that should be disclosed early on. When people are investing their time and emotions into a relationship or potential relationship, they certainly have a right to know about issues that would affect them. This disability not only affects the man, but would also significantly affect the relationship partner. The OP had a right to know, and early on in their talks, rather than be strung along without disclosing a major disability. You have no reason to feel guilty for this being a dealbreaker, anymore than a major illness might be a dealbreaker.

 

 

And people shouldn't be trying to shame her for this being a dealbreaker. It would greatly affect her life, and I doubt those who are trying to shame would be so quick to date a person with a major disability or a major illness.

 

If I told every single woman I met that I've had cancer in the past, 100% of them would run for the hills and never look back.

Sure, I still take pills for it, and sometimes I'm in a lot of physical pain which I can't hide, so sooner or later they're bound to figure out that something is wrong.

 

But to disclose this in the dating phase ? I've done this plenty of times in the past and they all made a run for it.

The ones that initially didn't run labeled me as 'broken, weak, etc.' and cut all contact shortly afterwards.

Talk about shallow lol.

He knows as well as I do that you do not stand a single chance if you tell the women you date about this immediately.

Sure, you'll maybe find a woman who's okay with it and respects your personality and traits and appreciates the positive more than the negative, but finding such a woman is comparable to finding a needle in a haystack.

 

Fact of the matter is that claiming this is something "huge" being omitted on OLD is wrong. Something "huge" would be a murder, rapist, etc. but this ?

This could better be described as "Impactful".

Regardless, even though if he (and myself) disclose such things on OLD (or real life for that matter) we're doing ourselves nothing but a disservice and are forced to face inevitable rejection.

Edited April 15, 2014 by Teraskas

[Lernaean_Hydra]

If I told every single woman I met that I've had cancer in the past, 100% of them would run for the hills and never look back.

Sure, I still take pills for it, and sometimes I'm in a lot of physical pain which I can't hide, so sooner or later they're bound to figure out that something is wrong.

 

But to disclose this in the dating phase ? I've done this plenty of times in the past and they all made a run for it.

 

A couple things: A) at which point do you feel it would be appropriate to disclose your ongoing heath issues? B) Do you not see how it could be considered extremely selfish to hide the extent of your condition from a potential mate until "sooner or later" when "they're bound to figure out that something is wrong"?

 

I don't know. That, to me, seems woefully deceptive and frankly pretty manipulative. Let me put it this way, if you were on OLD and met a woman, talked for dozens of hours over various mediums only to find out several weeks in that she was 5'3 and 350lbs? Can you honestly say, Yes! I'd totally look past that? If she lied and said she, like you, enjoys running at 2AM on the beach or some other such activity she hasn't actually been able to do in nigh on a decade, would you really be cool with that?

 

The ones that initially didn't run labeled me as 'broken, weak, etc.' and cut all contact shortly afterwards.

Talk about shallow lol.

He knows as well as I do that you do not stand a single chance if you tell the women you date about this immediately.

 

Sure, you'll maybe find a woman who's okay with it and respects your personality and traits and appreciates the positive more than the negative, but finding such a woman is comparable to finding a needle in a haystack.

 

Wouldn't disclosing early on stop you from wasting both your and her time? If she's not picking up whatever you're putting down, isn't it better to ascertain that as quickly as possible?

 

Fact of the matter is that claiming this is something "huge" being omitted on OLD is wrong. Something "huge" would be a murder, rapist, etc. but this ?

This could better be described as "Impactful".

It's huge to me. I've long since stopped trying to phrase it any other way. To me it's a very big deal.

 

On another note, please understand that to many (most?) people, (myself included) having had a medical condition in the past is vastly different from having an ongoing condition in which there is no hope of cure, treatment or reversal. He cannot take any medication to "manage" his paralysis. So, does the physical pain you experience from your past cancer prevent you from ever walking again? Does it prevent you from engaging in sex? Does it make spontaneous travel to random locales impossible or impractical? If not, your situation and his are entirely different.

 

I understand this subject may be uncomfortable for some but I really want everyone to be honest with themselves here.

[Art_Critic]

this isn't huge, he omitted it specifically because he thought he wouldn't get a chance because of it, same as other similar health conditions might scare people off.

 

Actually, he didn't just omit it, he lied about his interests as well..

 

What would be the deal breaker, the wheel chair being omitted or the lying of the rest of his profile, me it would be the lying of the rest of his profile.

 

While I think many of us can claim that being in a wheelchair shouldn't be a deal breaker and I am one of them I also have never been in the situation the OP is in either, he in essence if the relationship is to continue he is asking her to become his caretaker or something of that nature.

 

OP, I can't really offer any true advice on the issue of the wheelchair but on the lying of the other items in his profile I would say that at least they meant a deal breaker to me when I was doing OLD, I expected the people whom I was engaged in a conversation with to have been honest about their profile.

[ThatMan]

It's huge to me. I've long since stopped trying to phrase it any other way. To me it's a very big deal.

That's exactly what this is all about. Reserve the roles and it's a very big deal for me as well. I'm not dating anyone in a wheelchair and that's okay. We each have our reasons. Any reason you have to not date someone should be perfectly acceptable by itself.

 

What isn't okay are some of the prevailing attitudes I've seen here. You want people to identify themselves through their physical ailments and that's just plain bigotry. It might also be fair to say that you don't want anyone to ever waste your time and they should be upfront with any deal breakers. Anyone who is well-adjusted knows that each unique individual brings something to the table - strengths and weaknesses, good moments and the bad, great attributes and flaws. Each person has something negative to say about themselves with no exception. It takes a slight amount of time, at least longer than instantaneously, before figuring out that your date is mismatched. You might not like that but there's no avoiding it.

 

Maybe you've sought dates online far too long and forgotten how to interact with other people. I don't know what the deal with you is exactly but I do know there's a lot to learn from just a single date. How does a man conduct himself? Does he put out an air of confidence? Does he treat restaurant staff with respect and dignity? How much effort is he placing into making sure you're having fun and feel comfortable? Does he seem interested in you? What are some of his own interests, passions, and motivations in life? What are his values? You simply cannot learn all of this from an internet chat over skype for a couple of evenings. In fact, you know very little about other people if you've never even met before. Actual human interaction is when people typically learn whether or not they're good for each other.

 

It might be good to stop carrying expectations that your time will never be wasted. What you're essentially demanding of others amounts to them introducing themselves as -

"Hi, I'm wheelchair bound..."

"Hi, I'm occasionally depressed..."

"Hi, I'm diabetes..."

"Hi, I'm cancer in remission..."

"Hi, I'm hypertension from internet dating too long..."

 

You should be able to appreciate how unrealistic is it for anyone to ever make these statements. I get that some of those illnesses are a deal breaker for you and that's fine. You would probably learn about anything serious almost immediately, and if not right away, within a short duration of interacting with other people. But that requires genuine human interaction which you simply cannot substitute out with the internet...

 

But to take outright offense for people failing to drag their personal problems in the mud, at all times, even while introducing themselves to strangers...

There's just no compassion in your life.

[Standard-Fare]

Ugh, @Lernaean_Hydra, I hope you can ignore people's attacks on you for "bigotry," lack of compassion, etc.

 

This dude manipulated you and misled you, and it's creepy. The only reason he was able to do so was that he hid behind the temporary mask the Internet can provide.

 

If that's not "Catfishing," I'm not sure what is.

 

As I suggested in another post... he basically forced you to reject him. He's set up a pathetic and embarrassing cycle of rejection and self-pity for himself. You can bet your stars he's off somewhere feeling sorry for himself: "See what happens when I reveal I'm in a wheelchair! No one will accept me!"

 

Being in a wheelchair sucks, but if he's going to get anywhere in life he needs to develop a better attitude about it. His lack of self-acceptance is not your problem.

Edited April 15, 2014 by Standard-Fare

[ThatMan]

Just so we're clear - I'm referring to her overall attitude and responses to Teraskas. I'm not even referring to that one guy who lies about everything including his place of residence. He clearly has a lot of problems to sort out before dating.

 

There's a clear and solid distinction between being a normal person who won't date a man in a wheelchair versus being prejudice. That distinction begins with objectifying others by identifying them as their illness and being offended when they do not follow suit. From there you get into the more fringe beliefs that gimpy is being a hypocrite for wanting to date us normals.

 

I'm sorry that there isn't a better way to sugar-coat her attitude.

[KathyM]

If I told every single woman I met that I've had cancer in the past, 100% of them would run for the hills and never look back.

Sure, I still take pills for it, and sometimes I'm in a lot of physical pain which I can't hide, so sooner or later they're bound to figure out that something is wrong.

 

But to disclose this in the dating phase ? I've done this plenty of times in the past and they all made a run for it.

The ones that initially didn't run labeled me as 'broken, weak, etc.' and cut all contact shortly afterwards.

Talk about shallow lol.

He knows as well as I do that you do not stand a single chance if you tell the women you date about this immediately.

Sure, you'll maybe find a woman who's okay with it and respects your personality and traits and appreciates the positive more than the negative, but finding such a woman is comparable to finding a needle in a haystack.

 

Fact of the matter is that claiming this is something "huge" being omitted on OLD is wrong. Something "huge" would be a murder, rapist, etc. but this ?

This could better be described as "Impactful".

Regardless, even though if he (and myself) disclose such things on OLD (or real life for that matter) we're doing ourselves nothing but a disservice and are forced to face inevitable rejection.

I'm sorry you're dealing with such health issues, but I stand by what I said. People do deserve to know about major health issues or major disabilities early on before they invest a lot of time and emotions into the relationship. It's not really fair to them to withhold that kind of significant information, since the person's health and disability will greatly impact their partner as well. It also does a disservice to the person suffering from the illness/disability to invest time and emotions into a relationship where such a major thing is withheld, and then be dumped when it is revealed. Honesty, and early on, is what is fair to both parties. And I actually know a lot of people who have major health issues or disabilities who are in wonderful relationships with people who knew from the start what their condition was.

[gaius]

All these comparisons to diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure or whatever are a little dishonest. None of that is on the level being in a wheelchair is. Especially when it's a male. It's something that affects your ability and lifestyle in monumental ways, and what you can do in a relationship as well. And it needs to be disclosed. The idea that this guy is right to be playing FDR and pretending he's not in one because other wise he would somehow be focusing on his injury is way out there.

[irc333]

Actually, there are some disabled people in wheel chairs that could be burdensome to people if they got involved with them. Some family members are prone to taking care of them. They usually live on a disability check.

 

Though there are successful people in wheel chairs...others on collecting disability for the rest of their lives.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Just so we're clear - I'm referring to her overall attitude and responses to Teraskas. I'm not even referring to that one guy who lies about everything including his place of residence. He clearly has a lot of problems to sort out before dating.

 

There's a clear and solid distinction between being a normal person who won't date a man in a wheelchair versus being prejudice. That distinction begins with objectifying others by identifying them as their illness and being offended when they do not follow suit. From there you get into the more fringe beliefs that gimpy is being a hypocrite for wanting to date us normals.

I'm sorry that there isn't a better way to sugar-coat her attitude.

 

Twice you've implied I was both prejudiced and bigoted and that I wish people to identify themselves by their disabilities: that is categorically untrue. It's not prejudiced to be opposed to people misrepresenting themselves via online dating to a degree that changes the entire dynamics of a relationship.

 

I didn't say he was a bad person because he was in a wheelchair, nor did I get offended that someone with a disability dared to try to date me.

 

Ugh, @Lernaean_Hydra, I hope you can ignore people's attacks on you for "bigotry," lack of compassion, etc.

 

This dude manipulated you and misled you, and it's creepy. The only reason he was able to do so was that he hid behind the temporary mask the Internet can provide.

 

If that's not "Catfishing," I'm not sure what is.

 

As I suggested in another post... he basically forced you to reject him. He's set up a pathetic and embarrassing cycle of rejection and self-pity for himself. You can bet your stars he's off somewhere feeling sorry for himself: "See what happens when I reveal I'm in a wheelchair! No one will accept me!"

 

Being in a wheelchair sucks, but if he's going to get anywhere in life he needs to develop a better attitude about it. His lack of self-acceptance is not your problem.

 

Thank you and you're absolutely right. And I'm not here looking for everyone to agree with me in the least, but it seems some cold hard facts are being ignored. He lied. There's just no getting around that.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Actually, there are some disabled people in wheel chairs that could be burdensome to people if they got involved with them. Some family members are prone to taking care of them. They usually live on a disability check.

 

Though there are successful people in wheel chairs...others on collecting disability for the rest of their lives.

 

He is indeed on disabilty. That was one of the first "hints" he dropped that made suspicious and got me to prying.

[Teraskas]

I'm sorry you're dealing with such health issues, but I stand by what I said. People do deserve to know about major health issues or major disabilities early on before they invest a lot of time and emotions into the relationship. It's not really fair to them to withhold that kind of significant information, since the person's health and disability will greatly impact their partner as well. It also does a disservice to the person suffering from the illness/disability to invest time and emotions into a relationship where such a major thing is withheld, and then be dumped when it is revealed. Honesty, and early on, is what is fair to both parties. And I actually know a lot of people who have major health issues or disabilities who are in wonderful relationships with people who knew from the start what their condition was.

 

I stand by what I said.

I don't pull the "cancer card" to invoke sympathy, compassion, etc.

I only do it when it's relevant in cases and threads like these.

 

I am far from manipulative, as I'm a really honest guy.

Granted, I don't immediately list on my OLD profile that I've had cancer and still suffer from its effects as this immediately nullifies ANY chance I have,

but I reach a compromise: If we DO manage to go on a first date, I'm always disclosing the fact that I've had it in the past.

Chances are that 90% of myself being rejected have been a direct result of my situation.

 

Then again, some illnesses are more impactful than others, but in my opinion, a person in a wheelchair is worse off than I am.

I'm still grateful for pulling through, but I realise that being in a wheelchair is much more of a significant impact than a situation such as cancer, diabetes or whatnot.

Judging from personal experience, finding a non-judgmental woman who's fine with dating someone with health issues like mine is comparable to finding a needle in a haystack.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Teraskas

[Teraskas]

A couple things: A) at which point do you feel it would be appropriate to disclose your ongoing heath issues? B) Do you not see how it could be considered extremely selfish to hide the extent of your condition from a potential mate until "sooner or later" when "they're bound to figure out that something is wrong"?

 

I don't know. That, to me, seems woefully deceptive and frankly pretty manipulative. Let me put it this way, if you were on OLD and met a woman, talked for dozens of hours over various mediums only to find out several weeks in that she was 5'3 and 350lbs? Can you honestly say, Yes! I'd totally look past that? If she lied and said she, like you, enjoys running at 2AM on the beach or some other such activity she hasn't actually been able to do in nigh on a decade, would you really be cool with that?

 

 

 

Wouldn't disclosing early on stop you from wasting both your and her time? If she's not picking up whatever you're putting down, isn't it better to ascertain that as quickly as possible?

 

It's huge to me. I've long since stopped trying to phrase it any other way. To me it's a very big deal.

 

On another note, please understand that to many (most?) people, (myself included) having had a medical condition in the past is vastly different from having an ongoing condition in which there is no hope of cure, treatment or reversal. He cannot take any medication to "manage" his paralysis. So, does the physical pain you experience from your past cancer prevent you from ever walking again? Does it prevent you from engaging in sex? Does it make spontaneous travel to random locales impossible or impractical? If not, your situation and his are entirely different.

 

I understand this subject may be uncomfortable for some but I really want everyone to be honest with themselves here.

 

A) As I said in my previous post, I am not a manipulative guy, and I disclose this "cancer issue" on the first date rather than immediately on my OLD profile where I know I obviously don't stand a chance if I did.

 

B) It is, but seeing as I cannot control those pains, it would become evident on the first date and I'd disclose it regardless.

I disclosed this plenty of times on first dates, and chances are this consists of 90% of myself being rejected. I'll never know.

 

The comparison to an overweight woman is a bit off.

I generally don't talk to anyone on OLD who doesn't have a picture.

Personally, I think that's the essence of OLD and I've seen plenty of women also put this in their profile:

"If you don't have a picture of yourself, or even a recent one at that, don't bother contacting me."

In a picture you cannot (or barely) see if a person is suffering from an illness. Externally, you cannot see that I'm affected by anything.

 

Even on OLD, I constantly get women who are wasting my time.

Very often I get the lines "I don't know what I'm looking for here, I just did it for fun, nothing serious, etc."

If I get a response like that, I cut all contact immediately.

Sorry, but if they don't know what they're looking for on a DATING SITE they might want to get their mind checked.

 

The pain from my cancer does temporarily impair my movement, and forces me to stop for a good 10 minutes in order to recover.

Granted, it isn't permanent like being in a wheelchair, but it's still annoying and a complete pain regardless.

[Standard-Fare]

A) As I said in my previous post, I am not a manipulative guy, and I disclose this "cancer issue" on the first date rather than immediately on my OLD profile where I know I obviously don't stand a chance if I did.

 

B) It is, but seeing as I cannot control those pains, it would become evident on the first date and I'd disclose it regardless.

I disclosed this plenty of times on first dates, and chances are this consists of 90% of myself being rejected. I'll never know.

 

Since you seem so certain that the cancer is a dealbreaker, you probably SHOULD disclose that in your profile.

 

I mean, it shouldn't be the headline or anything, but maybe somewhere buried deep you mention: "I've fought cancer!"

 

I say this because you've convinced yourself it's turning women off, it's the reason first dates fail, etc. etc. If that's the attitude you have about it, then you might as well weed out the ones who can't accept it straight off the bat.

 

The reason I suggest this is so you can stop blaming cancer for dating failures, and stop giving it this power. See what happens when you remove that as a factor in the very first stage.