Guy omits something HUGE on OLD.

[regine_phalange]

Im annoyed. What you call political correctness I call fairness and understanding of someone's condition. We could be in his place one day, easily. Its a discrimination and offensive to expect from someone in a wheelchair to mainly date someone in a wheelchair. Why? Should they be sent to another planet as well? Rejection is one thing, expecting people to stay out of your alpha world is another.

[Smilecharmer]

When I read this I definitely had to sit back and think about if for a second. I'm not going to lie, it kind of stung me, and I'm not even involved.

 

In my opinion the guy is insecure about his disability, and didn't want to be upfront, because he knew what the effect would be. And, he was right, he would of got turned down. You think this is the first time this has happened to him? I don't think in any way he was trying to deceive anybody intentionally. Maybe on his dating profile he should headline it: CRIPPLE IN WHEEL CHAIR. Maybe this would clear up the deception going forward.

 

For OP, any attraction she had for this guy went down the toilet soon as she discovered his disability. No reason to feel guilty; just tell him being in a wheelchair turned you off.

 

I've come to the conclusion that humans, for the most part, are superficial beings. Outward appearance is more than half of the game. If you didn't get blessed with the right genetics/health, game over (in most cases).

 

I really feel for this guy though. He got cut a bad deal in life, and subsequently has to suffer in other aspects because of it.

 

Hopefully someone will come into this life one day, and accept him for everything he is.

 

Very nicely said. I agree.

[gaius]

Im annoyed. What you call political correctness I call fairness and understanding of someone's condition. We could be in his place one day, easily. Its a discrimination and offensive to expect from someone in a wheelchair to mainly date someone in a wheelchair. Why? Should they be sent to another planet as well? Rejection is one thing, expecting people to stay out of your alpha world is another.

I think Fits just pointing out an apparent double standard. He's busy hiding his condition from potential dates, expecting them to accept it when they finally find out while apparently not dating handicapped women himself.

 

Are we supposed to ignore that he left out the fact he lacks a pretty important part of attraction for a lot of women because we feel bad for the guy?

[regine_phalange]

I think Fits just pointing out an apparent double standard. He's busy hiding his condition from potential dates, expecting them to accept it when they finally find out while apparently not dating handicapped women himself.

 

Are we supposed to ignore that he left out the fact he lacks a pretty important part of attraction for a lot of women because we feel bad for the guy?

 

Hydra said he did hint discreetly about it, and that's why she asked him after a point. It's not easy to disclose something that makes other people so uncomfortable. I've felt it myself for something irrelevant and not as important (something about a family member), and I was hesistant to say it, because I hated the fact that others would look at me with pity or feel very uncomfortable, not because I was ashamed for the thing per se.

 

I don't know if there are any dating sites for disabled people, and what the variety of choices is. Why would we judge his preference for women who can walk? I didn't judge Hydra for rejecting him, it's totally valid. I just don't like how you think that he has some ulterior motive just because he is disabled and felt uncomfortable wearing a neon sign "IM DISABLED!" in some of his OLD pictures. That, in my opinion, shows a hidden prejudice against disabled people.

[ThatMan]

I'm sorry for the delay in my reply, to be 100% honest, you missed the mark. The main reason I'm upset is because he lied. There is another guy, very attractive biker type I've been chatting with that has a prosthetic leg. His first message to me was something witty and funny (probably copypasta) that mentioned it. I was cool with it. Why? Because he was UP FRONT about it. He told me and not a single f*k was given that day.

 

I'm really not that shallow. I've been on dates with guys way older than my stated parameters, short guys (actually the average height for the guys I either met there or have dated recently is 5'6-5'7 - yep), guys who live at home and a tall, cardiothoracic surgeon; so I don't descriminate and have a variety of preferences.

 

Okay. Let's take a moment to not make everything about you.

 

It's one thing for acquaintances to sit down together to disclose their own failings over a deeply personal and intimate conversation. It's another matter entirely to wear their past, present, or future problems on their sleeves. You're a stranger and not a friend. Those with a disability, or even more trivial difficulties like ADHD, frankly don't care. They focus on their own potential without worrying about restrictions. They do not need prove themselves to anyone. Those in a wheelchair simply don't view the matter as being relevant to who they are as a person.

 

Now then, let's make this all about you instead...

Don't worry about it!

 

You're not shallow for refusing to date a wheelchair bound man at all! Don't allow other people to tell you otherwise. But you should really get your attitude in check. You seem to have this poor expectation of people should behave. Expecting people to purposefully focus on their own restrictions like a scarlet letter is very unbecoming. You clearly have no clue how to regard human beings who deal with physical ailments. They're human beings. Try to see them as being human. Stop identifying people as their disability. You need to take the time to start reflecting on what compassion means to you.

Edited April 10, 2014 by ThatMan

[Emilia]

Those with a disability, or even more trivial difficulties like ADHD, frankly don't care. They focus on their own potential without worrying about restrictions. They do not need prove themselves to anyone. Those in a wheelchair simply don't view the matter as being relevant to who they are as a person.

 

Now then, let's make this all about you instead...

Don't worry about it!

 

You're not shallow for refusing to date a wheelchair bound man at all! Don't allow other people to tell you otherwise. But you should really get your attitude in check. You seem to have this poor expectation of people should behave. Expecting people to purposefully focus on their own restrictions like a scarlet letter is very unbecoming. You clearly have no clue how to regard human beings who deal with physical ailments. They're human beings. Try to see them as being human. Stop identifying people as their disability. You need to take the time to start reflecting on what compassion means to you.

You know I've never thought about it this way before. You are absolutely right.

[Madman81]

Im annoyed. What you call political correctness I call fairness and understanding of someone's condition. We could be in his place one day, easily. Its a discrimination and offensive to expect from someone in a wheelchair to mainly date someone in a wheelchair. Why? Should they be sent to another planet as well? Rejection is one thing, expecting people to stay out of your alpha world is another.

Nobody's expecting anything of the sort from him. He's free to approach whoever he wants and take the associated risks of rejection, just like everybody else. It doesn't change the fact, however, that having a major, limiting physical disability is an important thing for a prospective partner to know, early on. We're not talking about periodic depression, certain autoimmune disorders, a history of cancer, etc. We're talking about a major disability that will severely impact a number of very important aspects of any potential relationship with the OP.

 

Frankly, I think he misled her. She indicated that she likes to dance and run; he indicated that he likes to as well. The reality is that he can't do those things, so that's a pretty glaring omission. We can also obviously include sex in that as well, though it wasn't specifically stated.

 

Not wanting to enter a relationship with somebody in a wheelchair isn't selfish, discriminatory, hateful, or any other label one might put on it. In the world of dating, nobody is required or expected to date somebody out of a sense of guilt.

[gaius]

Hydra said he did hint discreetly about it, and that's why she asked him after a point. It's not easy to disclose something that makes other people so uncomfortable. I've felt it myself for something irrelevant and not as important (something about a family member), and I was hesistant to say it, because I hated the fact that others would look at me with pity or feel very uncomfortable, not because I was ashamed for the thing per se.

 

I don't know if there are any dating sites for disabled people, and what the variety of choices is. Why would we judge his preference for women who can walk? I didn't judge Hydra for rejecting him, it's totally valid. I just don't like how you think that he has some ulterior motive just because he is disabled and felt uncomfortable wearing a neon sign "IM DISABLED!" in some of his OLD pictures. That, in my opinion, shows a hidden prejudice against disabled people.

They have dating sites that cater to disabled people. Don't know how many there are on them. But it seems to me like he would have to make a lot of effort to make sure the fact he was disabled didn't show up in his pictures. Wasn't exactly easy for FDR to get away with that.

 

He's in a wheelchair. It's a big part of who he is unfortunately. And saying it's fine for him to exclude that and pretend it doesn't matter, because he's really not supposed to focus on it or wear it like a scarlet letter is ridiculous.

[regine_phalange]

I don't think we should be so judgemental. The way he handled it is not attractive or perfect allright, but it's understandable. I can bet that if he was able to walk, and after some dates said to Hydra that he doesnt really like to run and then added a sweet comment on how he used it as a reason to approach her, that wouldn't be as much of an issue or it wouldn't be seen as creepy or manipulative.

 

But you have this opinion because deep inside you have a prejudice. Do you think these people need Hydra or me or any woman to take care of them? I know someone with serious mobility issues, and I know how he is struggling with body image and everyday life. After 10 years he still had problems accepting that. But as he has said, he doesnt need a woman to take care of him as he is quite heavy and she won't be able to lift him anyway.

[ThatMan]

Some who require a wheelchair do travel around the world. Some are athletes who compete in normal sprinting distances or marathons. Some technically dance which is pretty interesting stuff. Just something to think about while focusing on all that anger. It shouldn't matter if he's a manipulating lair since it's time to move on. Dating is all about having fun deciding if you'll want to pursue things. You aren't having fun and you don't want to spend time with him. Moving on is the right thing to do for yourself. You'll find other men.

 

You don't need to pretend the wheelchair doesn't matter because it does to you. You have wants and needs which he cannot adequately provide for. So there's no need to beat around the bush by being politically correct. You could point out the reason why you don't want to continue, but why would you? What's the point of that? I don't criticize the women I date when I'm uninterested. I simply tell them I'm moving on.

 

You have to look after yourself and pursue a relationship that meets your own wants and needs. I just hope you take a moment to think this through. Being uninterested in a man just because he's in a wheelchair has nothing to do with being prejudicial. Dating a large variety of different men isn't related and you certainly do not need to date a wheelchair bound man just to prove you're no longer a judgmental bigot. The belief of how some should behave, or even something more extreme like those with disability should be segregated, are all very prejudicial stuff.

 

It's kinda disgusting... I'm not gonna lie. I hope that your online dating profile isn't named Lernaean_Hydra so that people won't google search you.

Edited April 10, 2014 by ThatMan

[preraph]

I can't even believe that question isn't a checkbox on these OLD sites because yes, that is something HUGE to leave out. There should be special mention of it and exactly how disabled one is because why would anyone want to fish around and then have all these awkward moments. Put it in there and then if you get a hit, at least you know there's a chance.

[FitChick]

Since so many of you said you'd date a disabled person, you will be spoilt for choice. OP, tell your new friend about this website.

 

I wonder how disabled people would feel if they found out someone was dating them out of pity or because they didn't want strangers to think they were shallow.

Edited April 10, 2014 by FitChick

[GemmaUK]

OP, what I wouldn't have liked about it was that he was being manipulative.

 

I am up front about certain things about me as they could be deal breakers for people.

I would feel bad if I wasn't honest (eg I sometimes work stupidly long hours..the Easter break has messed my week up this week and I've done 13 hour days for the past three days and 11 hours on Monday. I'll be fit for nothing this weekend!).

 

He omitted to tell you something which is quite important in my opinion.

 

It's OK to have preferences for who you date. Who you get into a relationship with is one of the biggest choices we make. It has got to be on gut instinct.

 

The manipulation bit would worry me in that he may well be manipulative in other ways. No one knows he is or isn't as we don't know him.

But eg folk do say if a person lies about one thing who knows what else they could lie about. We hear it all the time on here.

 

I wouldn't have taken it any further either.

 

Someone who is right for him will come along as they will for you.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I can bet that if he was able to walk, and after some dates said to Hydra that he doesnt really like to run and then added a sweet comment on how he used it as a reason to approach her, that wouldn't be as much of an issue or it wouldn't be seen as creepy or manipulative

 

No. If someone adamantly stated they too enjoyed various activities and then I subsequently found out instead they enjoyed playing video games and eating chips on the couch all day, it would be just as much of a dealbreaker.

 

This isn't a romcom, lies like that aren't sweet or cute. I am open, honest and blunt both in real life but especially in online dating and I expect the same. If someone thinks I have potential I want it to be the real me they're interested in. Not the pretend version; why waste someones time?

But you have this opinion because deep inside you have a prejudice. Do you think these people need Hydra or me or any woman to take care of them?

 

This guy actually does. He initially told me he lived in roommates, I found out he actually lives with his parents who primarily care for him.

 

You could point out the reason why you don't want to continue, but why would you? What's the point of that? I don't criticize the women I date when I'm uninterested. I simply tell them I'm moving on.

The only reason I'd say anything is because even on first dates with guys I've met in real life if things don't go well, and it's something more than a mere chemistry issue, I was always of the opinion that it's good to give and receive feedback. Sometimes people don't quite realize why what they're doing isn't working. But I could be wrong.

 

It's kinda disgusting... I'm not gonna lie. I hope that your online dating profile isn't named Lernaean_Hydra so that people won't google search you.

 

I'm not sure what this means? What's disgusting? I have no desire to see anyone who is disabled segregated. But to answer your question no, I use a totally different name elsewhere.

[ThatMan]

The only reason I'd say anything is because even on first dates with guys I've met in real life if things don't go well, and it's something more than a mere chemistry issue, I was always of the opinion that it's good to give and receive feedback. Sometimes people don't quite realize why what they're doing isn't working. But I could be wrong.

I don't think anything is right or wrong about that. Sometimes though, criticism isn't appreciated. Do you think that if you never asked for input that you'll enjoy being called a fat cow? Imagine meeting someone who ends the date by telling you that he's uninterested - you're just too large. I wasn't too thrilled to overhear a man be a judgmental prick to a woman like that this past weekend. I couldn't imagine how the woman might have felt on the receiving end. Feedback isn't necessarily constructive. Feedback is often synonymous for being judgmental.

 

So it probably isn't a good idea to offer criticism when nobody asked you. You aren't somebody's mother. Just because you do not appreciate something about a man doesn't mean that other women will feel exactly the same way as you. That quirk or mannerism that you look down on might be something that a man values about himself. Dishing out criticism and labeling it as being blunt might be constructive. Criticism can also tear a person down a notch. Maybe you want that. But somehow I doubt you're a pessimistic, judgmental, negative nancy who wants to drain all the fun out of a room.

 

I am of course speaking in a general sense and not referring to that man you've recently spoken to who seems to be a lair. Being honest, open, and blunt can also mean being upfront with yourself. That means, at least to me, to simply pursue the relationship you want. I don't think we can afford to let the bad apples take up too much time.

 

I'm not sure what this means? What's disgusting? I have no desire to see anyone who is disabled segregated. But to answer your question no, I use a totally different name elsewhere.

Right.

Basically there are a few people here who seem to believe the disabled are hypocrites for wanting to date anyone and they should be segregated instead.

 

My concern was that there seems to be a disconnect between yourself and being able to see past physical ailments and recognize a human being.

[Chubbi]

It would be a rare type of a man for me to date someone in a wheelchair, overly fat, autistic, aspergers, mental health issues, physical health issues etc. I don't have any of that so... And I'm too young to be someone's caregiver. That would turn me off fast. but I did fall in love with mr. Bates from downton abbey.

 

My friend had the same experience as the op. When she went on the date, she told me she felt she was doing community service. Of course I've never seen a healthy man dating a woman in a wheelchair.... Double standard

[preraph]

^ Well, Mr. Bates isn't disabled yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up that way if he doesn't learn to turn the other cheek.

[FitChick]

My concern was that there seems to be a disconnect between yourself and being able to see past physical ailments and recognize a human being.

It wouldn't have been any different if he'd been in a wheelchair because he was so fat. She wouldn't have found him attractive and he would have been physically incapable of doing activities she enjoys doing, which he lied about.

 

There is nothing wrong with a disabled person wanting to date a fit person, any more than a "nice guy" wanting to date a beauty queen. Wanting and getting are two different things.

 

Love all the holier than thou posts. Quite amusing!

Edited April 12, 2014 by FitChick

[nescafe1982]

...not for nothing, but my best friend (who's a quad, in a chair due to a wrestling accident a number of years ago) takes his fiance out dancing regularly. When they break it down at a wedding, they draw "oh"s and "aw"s from anyone on the dance floor. They are ****ing adorable, basically. They also do a number of fitness activities together, including rowing (and he competes regionally).

 

As for the below-the-belt stuff, his fiance has, on occasion, over-shared about their sex life over one-too-many margaritas.

 

Say what you will about a guy in a chair "turning off" some gals (it happens, and no one would tell a woman she ought to date a guy she isn't into). But beyond being sort of presumptuous to assume this guy is "not able" to do X or Y, it's likely totally incorrect. Assumptions about ability are the biggest part of this guy's battle, I imagine.

 

The chair doesn't make the man. Heck, it doesn't even mark him.

 

/off_soapbox

[ThatMan]

There is nothing wrong with a disabled person wanting to date a fit person, any more than a "nice guy" wanting to date a beauty queen. Wanting and getting are two different things.

 

That's the whole point though, right?

 

You better believe that I have no problem stepping back for a moment, sitting down, and admitting to myself that there's no way I'm going to date a wheelchair-bound woman. And that's okay. She'll still be free to pursue whatever makes her happy just as I am.

 

It doesn't mean I'm going to take outright offense when people don't take their personal problems and drag them through the mud. We're each going to have faults and you're no different than the rest of us. That doesn't mean we should take whatever failings we possess and use that as our means of identifying ourselves. There are many facets that make us who we are as individuals. When people are well-adjusted and mature enough, they refuse to define themselves through any shortcoming, including illness.

[hoping2heal]

Oh, I don't know. I don't know how long this guy has been in a wheelchair, maybe its hard for him to deal with. Not exactly making it right that he hid it from you, but people make mistakes.

 

I think you're being rather close minded though; it has been my experience that wheelchair bound people shouldn't be so quickly judged on their limitations as you may end up quite surprised by what they very much can do.

 

But, if you really think this is something you can't get past then tell him that and let it be for both of your sakes. I don't think the right answer is forcing yourself to like him either.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

...not for nothing, but my best friend (who's a quad, in a chair due to a wrestling accident a number of years ago) takes his fiance out dancing regularly. When they break it down at a wedding, they draw "oh"s and "aw"s from anyone on the dance floor. They are ****ing adorable, basically. They also do a number of fitness activities together, including rowing (and he competes regionally).

 

As for the below-the-belt stuff, his fiance has, on occasion, over-shared about their sex life over one-too-many margaritas.

 

Say what you will about a guy in a chair "turning off" some gals (it happens, and no one would tell a woman she ought to date a guy she isn't into). But beyond being sort of presumptuous to assume this guy is "not able" to do X or Y, it's likely totally incorrect. Assumptions about ability are the biggest part of this guy's battle, I imagine.

 

The chair doesn't make the man. Heck, it doesn't even mark him.

 

/off_soapbox

 

That's a beautiful story, but it reads so much like the feel-good don't let your __ get you down, buddy! Hallmark tales that float around the internet I can't even relate. I 100% believe you but it all sounds so patronizingly optimistic. I really don't want that kind of life. I don't want everyone politely oohing and aahing when I dance with my partner because it's just so darn great he has the courage to do it! or what have you. And I also don't want to settle for such an inactive sex life (this isn't presumption).

 

It doesn't mean I'm going to take outright offense when people don't take their personal problems and drag them through the mud. We're each going to have faults and you're no different than the rest of us. That doesn't mean we should take whatever failings we possess and use that as our means of identifying ourselves. There are many facets that make us who we are as individuals. When people are well-adjusted and mature enough, they refuse to define themselves through any shortcoming, including illness.

 

He doesn't have to define himself by his chair or any other single characteristic, but if he's looking to date I think he'd do well do at least disclose said information. While I certainly have no issue with his lack of desire to date similarly disabled women, I do believe being physically disabled to this degree is something to be disclosed early on.

 

This is not having a history of depression or a past issue with drugs here. His situation is current and permanent. As I said, I don't expect him to define himself by it but I would hope that he wouldn't hide it for this long (because that's what he did).

 

Also, I'm not quickly judging him. He has consistently lied, omitted and sidestepped some very pertinent things. This is a big deal to me and the lying did and does bother me (however "understandable" or "just" the reasons) and I can no longer act as if it's some minor thing easy to overlook because whatever his good qualities are somehow outweigh his condition.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

It wouldn't have been any different if he'd been in a wheelchair because he was so fat. She wouldn't have found him attractive and he would have been physically incapable of doing activities she enjoys doing, which he lied about.

 

There is nothing wrong with a disabled person wanting to date a fit person, any more than a "nice guy" wanting to date a beauty queen. Wanting and getting are two different things.

 

Love all the holier than thou posts. Quite amusing!

 

The trouble I'm having here is the fact that it appears people are just supposed to overlook very obvious disabilities or discrepancies in ones profile.

 

I've said it before, I'm flexible as all hell in my dating habits and couldn't care less about things like money, height or "social status" but I'm not going to date literally anybody for fear of being the bad guy.

 

Basically, I'm not going to call anyone here a hypocrite, but I'm willing to bet most women here wouldn't date men who were 200lbs heavier or 6 inches shorter than stated in their profiles just as I'm sure most men here wouldn't date MtF transwoman for the sake of not being prejudiced or just because she was great other than the big fat whopper she told about her not having a penis.

 

Honestly, I don't even need to add anything else because FitChick has said everything I couldn't quite put to words with a tone I'm not allowed to use. FitChick, I would personally like to thank you for saying everything you've said thus far.

[gaius]

I don't think we should be so judgemental. The way he handled it is not attractive or perfect allright, but it's understandable. I can bet that if he was able to walk, and after some dates said to Hydra that he doesnt really like to run and then added a sweet comment on how he used it as a reason to approach her, that wouldn't be as much of an issue or it wouldn't be seen as creepy or manipulative.

 

But you have this opinion because deep inside you have a prejudice. Do you think these people need Hydra or me or any woman to take care of them? I know someone with serious mobility issues, and I know how he is struggling with body image and everyday life. After 10 years he still had problems accepting that. But as he has said, he doesnt need a woman to take care of him as he is quite heavy and she won't be able to lift him anyway.

I think people in wheelchairs can be very independent. Just think hydra and the other women in the thread who have mentioned not wanting to be a nurse maid are trying to verbalize their emotional disgust at dating a guy in a wheelchair. And are maybe not saying exactly what it is that disgusts them. Trying to convince them you don't really have to be their nurse maid is missing the point. It's still a guy who can't even stand up. How is that supposed to make a lot of women feel feminine?

 

Though I will say there are so few real men left that I wouldn't be surprised if a few women found a way to overlook that limitation if they did find a real man who just happened to be handicapped.

[gaius]

...not for nothing, but my best friend (who's a quad, in a chair due to a wrestling accident a number of years ago) takes his fiance out dancing regularly. When they break it down at a wedding, they draw "oh"s and "aw"s from anyone on the dance floor. They are ****ing adorable, basically.

How does that work? He needs his hands to move the wheelchair right? So do they just kind of dance/wheel beside each other or something? How would he keep his hands on her and wheel at the same time?