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When your date keeps talking about work?


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Posted

Hey LS,

 

I wanted to share a story and I wanted your opinion on how I should proceed in the future.

 

Me (28M) and my Fiancé (28F) went out for a dinner a very romantic, high end stakehouse overlooking the ocean a week after valentine’s this year (we didn’t get to go out for valentine’s day because she was sick that week). We were both dressed up and looking good, me suited up, her in a new dress. Feeling good, ready for a romantic date night.

 

While the night started like any other date night, staring into each other’s eyes, as much PDA as we could get away with sitting across from each other. (on several of our nights out people have complemented us how we look very in love and think we are already married).

 

But shortly after arriving and ordering a bottle of wine, she begins to rant about work. For two hours straight, barely even taking a break to order our dinner, she went on and on about work. And it was a very loud and intense conversation. Intense enough that at one point I thought I had done something wrong and made me feel guilty! But that was just how she was talking about work, she’s extremely passionate about it. I attempted to shift the conversation several times, introduced new topics, told an anecdotal joke, our upcoming wedding, even brought up a story I heard in the news, but I couldn’t derail her. By the time I finished my meal, she had barely started her’s because she was talking so much. When I started to eat off her plate (it was stake after all), she wondered if I was starving! She didn’t realize she spoke through the whole meal!

 

Now, I’m a guy, and I like talking shop as much as the next guy (usually to another guy), and I have made it a point in my life no to bring work home with me. My contribution to how my day went at work usually tops out at 30 seconds, good or bad day.

 

Anyway, this was starting to get to me, and, a little more bluntly than probably could have put it, I asked her if we could talk about anything other than her work, I told her that this was supposed to be our date night and a time for pleasant conversation between both of us. Well this didn’t go over to well, and tears welled up in her eyes, and we finished the rest of our evening in near silence.

 

When the bill came, we were asked if it was separate cheques. The waitress thought this was a business dinner between colleagues, rather than a romantic dinner between lovers.

 

The rest of the night was equally awkward. I tried to explain to her that I wanted to shift the conversation elsewhere, that we weren’t really talking, and that it was all one sided. (I think in the two hours I said about ten words). And that I didn’t mean to make her upset. We were eventually able to reconcile before going to bed, but the night was lost.

 

I know part of the problem is that she doesn’t really have anyone else to talk to. We recently moved to another part of the country and don’t have a local social group yet or any friends nearby to talk to. She doesn’t have an outlet to go to.

 

We’ve talked about this in the past. When she starts talking like this, I’ve told her that I don’t know what she wants from me, or what she wants me to say or do. She has told me that she doesn’t expect me to say or do anything, that she just needs someone to listen (I’m normally a fairly quiet and reserved guy, and I usually don’t have a problem being the listener).

 

Anyway, what do you do to shift a conversation with your SO when they become so focused on a topic that it spoils the moment your trying to enjoy together?

 

P.S. wow that felt great just to write it out!

Posted

Is this common or an occasional thing?

 

Go find an old copy of 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus'. You can find it used really cheap. It's a small, short book that will give you a lot of common sense advice about communication styles and might help you understand how to talk with her about this. Women need to vent, that is for sure.

 

That said, it can definitely be too much, which isn't fair to you (or anyone). You'd be doing her a favor helping her understand what is appropriate.

Posted

cupic,

 

My gf and I have a rule: NO TALKING ABOUT WORK (complaining) when we are on a date. Once the date is over, let's spill it. We both value our "us" time and the negative stuff can certainly wait. Have that rule in place from now on. This way, there are clear, upfront expectations so such negativity doesn't spoil things AND an agreement has been made that such a conversation will take place later so as to NOT minimize the importance of venting. :)

  • Like 2
Posted

^ Very good idea. Ban work talk from dates. Let her vent as much as she likes on non-date nights.

 

She has told me that she doesn’t expect me to say or do anything, that she just needs someone to listen (I’m normally a fairly quiet and reserved guy, and I usually don’t have a problem being the listener).

If that's not acceptable to you then you need to discuss it with her. Maybe get her some work friends or a councilor to talk to.

Posted

Based upon the title of your post, I assumed the body would be about a 1st or early date when you didn't want to appear rude.

 

 

This is your FI. Why couldn't you just say, honey, I'm sorry you are upset about work & I'd be happy to hear you out tomorrow but I wanted this to be our romantic engaged Valentine's Day. Can we please talk about something else?

 

 

Sometimes she will need to vent & as her DH / FI you need to listen & support her but there is a time & place for everything.

Posted

Why not tell her how you feel? In a tactful manner. "All this work talk is stressful. Let's talk about something else."

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