Ssoncess Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 am writing to you in regard to the situation in which I found myself a month ago. My partner and I were in relationship over 7 years ( we're both 28 years old now and we lived together for last 4-5years), next month we even should got married.I often noticed that my partner can not cope well with too much stress or when things are not as he would have wished to be. Some of this comes from home, the father has a similar problem, but he is only child. When the stress, responsibility and pressure becomes to much, he starts to be very angry at myself and just give up . So far I could help him, at least a little bit but now the "victim" are us - our relationship. Here is the story: Partner got a job, for which we knew it would require a lot of time for following 3 months. He also asked for my opinion and asked that we decide together. Because I knew how much it means to him , I supported him. Then came one month of stress - a lot of work , increasing pressure, he needed to work a lot at home to and be on the phone all the time. He slept less and less and there was really little time for us. But we knew this when we decided. After one month of lack of a sleep, we got in a fight, because I wanted him to finally rest and he said to me that I do not understand how much work he has etc. At that time, I got angry and freaked out and said that I had enough, that in a past month we grow apart and I am go to my parents for a while. Then he started crying , how I can throw 8 years of our relationship away, how I am his world, how am his family, how he loves me ... After talking through we decided that he tries to sleep and start to devoting some time to activities which will include us. The next day I had to other town to set up few things for the wedding. On the phone (texts) he seemed normal, no alarm . The next day I returned to our apartment when he said that he can no longer be with me. That we can not marry and that this is the end. He looked completely burned, his eyes were closing, he did not sleep at all. In a panic, I reacted with questions and convincing him, which resulted in one major fight . He was crying, he talked about how his friends have said that they do not see how we're together at all (we are not interested in the same things - jobs), crying is how he loves me, but it's better this way. Another moment it seemed that I was not even talking to your partner, like he was wearing a mask or wall. He was visible has been exhausted. Then he moved out. We canceled the wedding, of course. After he moved out (2 weeks ago), still heard each other few times. He was always crying and angry and with the wall around him most of the time. He is avoiding contact with me,as he is ashamed or afraid. At one point he confessed that he is extremely angry at himself because he let this happen. And know he is away. And it 's dreadful and he no longer knows anything. And the only thing he can do is to run away. Then he himself wanted to meet me, to give me back the keys of apartment. At the meeting he did not even bring them. Was crying, all he said there in no more us. When I asked him when he started to feel like this, he said that he didn't, that after my outbreak was the first time he thought about it. And that he was not actually thinking about it, we were lost for him and that is it. It is like he decided just decided we are not we anymore . I have no idea what happend, we had a true love, there was not a sign of any serious crisis. His mother called me, saying that he gone completely insane. He is not talking to her and his father (although living at home now ). She told me that this is a typical for him, he is running away from responsibility. That is , when he saw that in our relationships are really small cracks , it was easier to run away from responsibility. That that was nothing to do with love. He is doing this for hole life now. To be honest , I did recognize some patterns of behavior from his past actions, but it has never directly involved me or us, so I could handle it. I wonder if at this point I can still do something? Or should I go forward with my life? I asked him to seek help , but says it will and than he does not. Several times before he mentioned that he fears that he is just like his father and hates that. I really love him, I believe that we're together otherwise excellent and still strongly want him in my life , but at this point I am running out of hope. I do not know how to help him, I do not know if maybe he does not love me anymore (although he says he does, that he respects me and that I created everything good about an in him). Is it possible that this was just a run? Can someone just decide not to love someone? Are brains so powerful? In any case, it seems to me it all together one very strange story. I am sincerely asking for your opinion. I really need it. Thank you!
smileforelena Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Im so sorry Ssoncess that you are going through this. It is a confusing stage. It sounded that before the job the two of you had concrete plans for the future and all of a sudden things turned the opposite way. I think he needs space to figure himself out on his own. I know you want to be there for him just like before but a little space between the two of you might be beneficial. At this point, I would say try to find ways to heal yourself from the pain this experience has brought on to you. Leave things be for now. Let emotions calm down and for things to settle down a bit. When we react when everything seemed so wired its just liek going in circles and makes everything more chaotic. See this experience as an opportunity to really know your strengths.
Author Ssoncess Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 He is already "dating" someone else. Well, I tried.
smileforelena Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I dont think you can just shut off love? Him already dating doesnt mean that his love for you is gone...but you know what? Right now, it doesnt matter. You did ask if you should move forward. We both know the answer to that. Choose to do you from now on. Cry, be sad and then try to move out of the dark hole. Choose to be better and get better. Its doable.
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