rns4lyfe Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I havent been on LS for long but what I've been reading about people's relationships scares me. Love is so complex and I don't think I'm mentally prepared to deal with it at times. I've been in a relationship with my child's father on and off for 4 years, I love him and feel he loves me but I'm not happy. I'm missing a lot in the relationship and I truly need to work on myself. I've learned from this forum that I need to be there for myself, not to be needy and codependent. My partner isn't there for me emotionally but I've learned that I only need validation from myself, no one else. If it wasn't for the baby, I don't think we would've made it this far and it's depressing. I'm still so young, wish I would've realized these things early om. Being single was depressing for me but now that I know I need to lean on myself and love myself not seek that from men. I want to be in love and happy everyday, reading the responses here has me questioning if that's possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I really am a fan of romantic love, but honestly, the thought of being in that mental/emotional situation makes me cringe a little. I really doubt I would have felt this way had I not been on a relationship site to actually see the commonalities within almost all partnerships-even despite circumstance.It is like they cannot avoid being in too deep before incompatibilities surface. I know that happy people in compatible relationships are less likely to be on a relationship forum- but this seems to be the common occurrence real life too. Anyone else feel the same? Does it effect your decision to be in a relationship? I too am a huge fan of romantic love, at least the idea of it, because it has been elusive for me. I have not yet experienced such joy, an elation of being with someone that also loves me back. So far I've only had users. Reading the various posts on LS does make me cringe, but at the stories I read. It no way deters me from seeking a relationship. In fact, the drama I've read on here just strengthens my judgement to be a little extra particular. There is a lot of negativity emanating from the posts, mostly because of the experiences the posters are undergoing or have undergone, but personally they do not affect me to the point where I want to remain single forever. It is quite easy to be swept up with the mood of a post, especially when like minded individuals chime in to support and give momentum to a posit, such as men should still be responsible for initiating a conversation with a woman, and a date, and paying, etc., even in the 21st century. But each thread, no matter how disheartening, how horrible it is, or the few that are positive and happy, is a cornucopia of lessons I can take away. Smart man is he who learns from his mistakes, a smarter man is he who learns from others' mistakes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Woggle, you have a unique perspective. On one hand you may seem bitter to some based on your comments about divorce and men getting shafted. But on the other hand, you clearly are happy in your current relationship. I hate to say it, but I think everybody HAS to get burned bigtime at least once in order to know when something good comes along. I wish you the best. 100% agree. At least it was true in my case. After going through a disasterous thermonuclear engagement when I was far too young and immature, and she far too damaged, I learned so much about myself and what I wanted out of a relationship. I found that in my wife. I came here because it hasn't always been a bed of roses. We are two flawed people who struggle at times. Ironically, given the number of my posts here, communication has always been our primary obstacle. But we've been married 30 years and though we struggle, we struggle together. Wouldn't have it any other way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 Obtaining anything great in life usually involves taking a risk. If you're too scared to take that risk because you use emotion, surely you're trying to protect yourself from your own humanity? If you don't have another relationship before you die, will you look back and think I lived my life to the full? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Obtaining anything great in life usually involves taking a risk. If you're too scared to take that risk because you use emotion, surely you're trying to protect yourself from your own humanity? If you don't have another relationship before you die, will you look back and think I lived my life to the full? Can one have a full life without a romantic partner? Absolutely! There are many ways to have a full life *charities and volunteering *friends and family *hobbies *whatever else one is passionate about Relationships are not something people have a lot of control over anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mrnova66 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 You are right to a very large extent. Relationships are mostly a crock. Not many partners are madly in love. Either one or both of them settled because they want to start a family and/or don't believe in the terms " being smitten" " being all excited about a new person you meet" or " being head over heels/adoring each other" Out of all the people I know, me my friend and my parents are the only people I know of who are in extremely happy and joyful relationships. Our partners were all head over heels, smitten, and super into us from the get go in "that way" that seldom really happens often in ones life time. When you are a somewhat mentally healthy individual with a true capacity to give and receive love from another, THESE ^^ ideal circumstances do indeed make most people change their minds. Trust me. When you meet a person who turned your world upside down via just meeting them, and they felt the same reaction through meeting YOU just the one time, you guys will both totally change your tune about whether or not relationships can be rewarding. And trust me^^You will change your tune when Mr. wonderful has a affair and gives you a STD. Or he all of a sudden gets hook on drugs. And please do not say this cannot happen. I have a news flash for you. IT HAPPENS EVERYDAY!!!! Or my favorite. The ones that after seeing each other and in your words TURN YOUR WORLD UPSIDE DOWN for about 3 months. Then all of a sudden they change their mind and go for the big and better deal. That happens more and more. I mean lets get real here. The odds of someone being in a truly happy relationship are slim to none. I rather be single any day than deal with a bunch of drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrnova66 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Obtaining anything great in life usually involves taking a risk. If you're too scared to take that risk because you use emotion, surely you're trying to protect yourself from your own humanity? If you don't have another relationship before you die, will you look back and think I lived my life to the full? Are you kidding me? Wow! you sound as if a person does not have one dead end relationship after another dead end relationship they have not live life to the fullest. If I died today I have lived my life to the fullest. The only ones I see not living life to the fullest are the ones that go from one dead end to another dead end. And using everybody in between. Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) Are you kidding me? Wow! you sound as if a person does not have one dead end relationship after another dead end relationship they have not live life to the fullest. If I died today I have lived my life to the fullest. The only ones I see not living life to the fullest are the ones that go from one dead end to another dead end. And using everybody in between. I'm glad you have worked out my life history from my posts If a person did end up having a dead end relationship after a dead relationship, at least they are trying at something. You however seem to be so sure you have lived life to the fullest by not taking risks! Maybe you should attempt to get out of your comfort zone some time? You also appear negative, probably due to an ex. Try and forgive. The bitterness will only wear you down in the long run. I'm not saying being with a bad partner is a good thing, but attempts at relationships with kind generous people can only be beneficial? Good luck with your fulfilled life! I know which one I'll choose. Edited April 21, 2014 by learning_slowly Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 My theory is... it is hard enough as it is to find a person you are crazy about in every sense of the word, and who feels the SAME WAY back. MANY people waste time in toxic relationships and so they get to an age where they NEED to start a family; they then settle for the passionless marriage for the sake of having children. Basically: it is hard to find a passionate relationship with a person who also feels mutually towards you AND who is also compatible long term. People waste a lot of time dating the wrong people and end up wanting children and having to then settle with a person they are not passionate about. Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 @leigh Just out of interest, as you appear to be happy and passionate, do you still think you would be together if you met at 18? I have had passionate reciprocal relationships, but with all the will in the world, the passion does get less. It maybe a male thing. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'm glad you have worked out my life history from my posts If a person did end up having a dead end relationship after a dead relationship, at least they are trying at something. You however seem to be so sure you have lived life to the fullest by not taking risks! Maybe you should attempt to get out of your comfort zone some time? I know which one I'll choose. A wise man once said, "Try, try, try again, and if you dont succeed, dont be a dam fool about it!" People can take risks in life whilst avoiding romantic relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 All I know is that my life got a million times better once I eliminated romantic relationships from my life. I don't see myself getting into another relationship again. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 @leigh Just out of interest, as you appear to be happy and passionate, do you still think you would be together if you met at 18? I have had passionate reciprocal relationships, but with all the will in the world, the passion does get less. It maybe a male thing. No. Because I was a very different person at age 18. I was lazy, I didn't have what it took to go to college and get a proper job. I am a vastly different person at age 27 than I was at age 18, I had no idea what a decent guy was all about back then, and it is only through dating, having my heartbroken and gaining a lot more experience have I come to realise what the best type of guys are for me and how to go about spotting guys who are truly besotted by me. As I become older though, in my past two relationships, which lasted two years each, I have to say I NEVER lost passion. My passion and lust becomes stronger over time. The longer we are together, the closer we get and the more passionate I feel. My so called "passion" for a partner never wavers. I don't feel it at all times, every time we watch TV and I am on my period and feel fat. I know men who feel the same albeit it is more rare than it is common, that is for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 All I know is that my life got a million times better once I eliminated romantic relationships from my life. I don't see myself getting into another relationship again. You really think no one truly clicks with you? No guy can truly be into you? So not true, considering plenty of boring, hapless females get man who adore them. Ahem well, in SOME cases they adore these boring, uninspiring and apathetic wives... But you are more interesting and have more to offer personally speaking, than a lot of gals that are super in love and happy with a guy who IS super into them. Me think you have issues:o It is deffs nothing to do with not being able to get a guy into you. Something is just off man. My gut feeling is it'll be fixed one day and you will find the right one... or "ones" Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 All I know is that my life got a million times better once I eliminated romantic relationships from my life. I don't see myself getting into another relationship again. With the right person, your million times better can get a million times better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 With the right person, your million times better can get a million times better. I have never been in a relationship that made my life better so I guess some people are meant to be single. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I have never been in a relationship that made my life better so I guess some people are meant to be single. Ditto here. Relationships are just full of drama. Then they leave one day. I feel a lot better now that im not trying to be in a serious relationship. I can focus on what *I* want to do with my life. Accepting that I may be single for life has been very freeing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Ditto here. Relationships are just full of drama. Then they leave one day. I feel a lot better now that im not trying to be in a serious relationship. I can focus on what *I* want to do with my life. Accepting that I may be single for life has been very freeing. Since I stopped trying to date, I have never been happier. I am moving my life forward without being weighed down by someone else who cheats or leaves one day anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Valen Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Since I stopped trying to date, I have never been happier. I am moving my life forward without being weighed down by someone else who cheats or leaves one day anyway. ....*hugs*.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I have never been in a relationship that made my life better so I guess some people are meant to be single. That really sucks, because given your past posting history of sounds like you'd make an excellent companion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Thanks guys, that's sweet of you to say. Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Yes, I think you've met the wrong people at the wrong time. But there's no rush depending on what you want out of life. I almost thought like you before, but have met lovely beautiful women since. I think it changed when I stopped picking up girls at nightclubs Link to post Share on other sites
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