ex having BPD

[flash.gordon]

We were in a relationship for over 3 years. she had some family related emotional issues and had depression, panic attacks and extreme anxiety because of them. She went on medication, and broke up with me a month after that. she says that she doesnt feel the attraction any more. for 2 months now, she is dating a guy idk. yesterday she claimed that she broke up with him too. i doubt that. she wants me to be her best friend and acknowledges the fact that no one cares for her as much as i do. she doesnt have many friends anyways. but she doesnt want to make me her bf and says that it will be never or forever between us and she isnt in a mental position to take the forever call. I still care a lot for her and i know she needs my presence in her life. NC will be harsh on my part as she still calls me several times a day and shares everything with me. imagine she even asked my opinion as a man on whether the new guy's loves her or not. it is making it hard for me to move on. im not sure if i want to. when i told her that i too maybe dating someone soon, she said that it will affect her but she will be happy to see me happy. i feel i want to spend my life with her. and there are so many uncertainties on her side. im confused and in agony

pls suggest what should i do. and thanks for reading such a long description

Edited April 7, 2014 by flash.gordon

[StringsAttached]

Save yourself from the emotional trauma. You can do better.

 

If she has problems, they will become your problems. Don't walk down the path I did. Let her go and move on and stay happy. Don't let anything come in the way of you and your happiness. Nothing.

[Arieswoman]

flash,

Having a relationship with someone who has mental health problems can be difficult and draining.

 

I have seen so many friends of mine struggle to maintain relationships/marriages with people who had BPD, depression, paranoid schitzaphrenia, alchoholism. I have watched them become emotionally exhausted, ground down and continually frustrated, by their partners.

 

Some have split up, some have stayed. Either way it's tough.

 

This girl has broken up with you. You don't owe her anything. You can't "fix" her. Please cut her out of your life and move on. It may seen hard, but not as hard as living with someone who has BPD.

[lofi_tokyo]

flash,

Having a relationship with someone who has mental health problems can be difficult and draining.

 

I have seen so many friends of mine struggle to maintain relationships/marriages with people who had BPD, depression, paranoid schitzaphrenia, alchoholism. I have watched them become emotionally exhausted, ground down and continually frustrated, by their partners.

 

Some have split up, some have stayed. Either way it's tough.

 

This girl has broken up with you. You don't owe her anything. You can't "fix" her. Please cut her out of your life and move on. It may seen hard, but not as hard as living with someone who has BPD.

 

I agree with this entirely.

 

There's something to be said for a couple working through a relationship when one person has a diagnosed personality disorder or mental illness. I'd be sad to hear people say that just because someone is depressed or because they have a personality disorder they're not worth your time.

 

That being said - this girl is not working through things with you. She's in a very chaotic place and she has chosen not to be in a relationship with you. If the two of you wanted to be together desperately and were genuinely working through things, I'd better understand your sentiment. But! Right now, you have someone in your life who left, who has some serious issues to work out, and I think it's important to let them go.

 

It's not a question of "doing better", it's a question of doing what's best for both of you right now.

[elseaacych]

My ex (my first love, so a double whammy!), had bipolar disorder. We were together about three years as well. I loved him to the ends of the earth: up, down, sideways. But he was a handful. And he broke up with me, about four months ago.

 

It sounds like you tried to be enough for your ex, but realize, there likely would have been ways that your ex could NOT meet your needs even if you two stayed in a relationship. Since she broke up with you, she no longer wants to meet your needs. Is this the kind of relationship you want?

 

You have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot control or change them. That goes double for ex-partners with chronic mental illness.

 

Here is something I found on a bi-polar relationship forum a few months ago in regards to break ups with someone who has bipolar disorder.

 

"You deserve happiness, respect. One doesn't have to read between the lines to see you don't get that from this relationship. Three years is enough. No more. There are no medals or gold stars for managing to try and fix this relationship. You cannot. The person is unfortunately broken. They can temporarily glue themselves together with meds and therapy. You are not the glue or the therapy. You are a person seeking happiness. It is obvious the relationship does not make you fulfilled. The relationship does not fulfill them either. Very little can be fulfilling when brain chemistry is so skewed. Get out, Get out now, don't call them, answer the door if they knock, write a letter or email, Facebook, drop all contact. FOREVER! Fall off the face of the earth. Land on your own two feet and start walking, running, hobbling or crawling to happiness - DO NOT LOOK BACK. Your future is ahead of you, not where you are or where you were. Good Luck! Bipolar people are survivors. He will manage just fine without you. You are not responsible for his future."

[flash.gordon]

I agree with this entirely.

 

There's something to be said for a couple working through a relationship when one person has a diagnosed personality disorder or mental illness. I'd be sad to hear people say that just because someone is depressed or because they have a personality disorder they're not worth your time.

 

That being said - this girl is not working through things with you. She's in a very chaotic place and she has chosen not to be in a relationship with you. If the two of you wanted to be together desperately and were genuinely working through things, I'd better understand your sentiment. But! Right now, you have someone in your life who left, who has some serious issues to work out, and I think it's important to let them go.

 

It's not a question of "doing better", it's a question of doing what's best for both of you right now.

 

Thanks for your reply

I really liked your suggestion. This relationship has indeed drained me to a limit that i've even forgotten what makes ME happy. I devoted myself to an extent that all my happiness was dependent on HER well being. I sure can move on as it was she who broke up. But as you only said that it will be wrong to say that because of her BPD, she isnt worth my time. Going NC will aggravate her situation. I'm sure on this. And i cant live with the guilt that me being NC with her was even a least bit responsible for her harming herself. I agree now that she will never be able to fulfil MY needs. But I cant shut her off. I think i will have to remain her friend without any attachment to her. Her breaking up with me,after all what i did for her, did detach me from her. I think it is more of a concern and not love any more.

thanks again!

[Emilia]

Going NC will aggravate her situation. I'm sure on this. And i cant live with the guilt that me being NC with her was even a least bit responsible for her harming herself. I agree now that she will never be able to fulfil MY needs. But I cant shut her off. I think i will have to remain her friend without any attachment to her. Her breaking up with me,after all what i did for her, did detach me from her. I think it is more of a concern and not love any more.

thanks again!

You have to break it off and go NC! Your behaviour and reaction to her is enabling her problems OP. Please stay around until I find a relevant post for you here, it's very important!

[Emilia]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/458216-fear-intimacy-normal-after-abuse-long-post-deals-abuse-breakups-4.html#post5634332

 

Please read the 3rd paragraph especially to understand how YOUR response to her threats is enabling her behaviour.

[flash.gordon]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/458216-fear-intimacy-normal-after-abuse-long-post-deals-abuse-breakups-4.html#post5634332

 

Please read the 3rd paragraph especially to understand how YOUR response to her threats is enabling her behaviour.

 

Emilia,

Throughout my relationship with her, she never gave me any threats of committing suicide or even harming herself. It is totally her family and she knows it too. As per your link, I would say that she is a HF BPD person. Though she did have a rare panic attack recently and she was diagnosed with this disorder. The doctor says she will be fine in some 4 years time.

 

I've been reading a lot about her ailment post that. I read that recovery from BPD is sure possible. check this

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#Prognosis

 

When we talk over phone, I have realised that all she needs is a listener. She knows this very well that I can't help her at all with her family. Neither does she expect me to.

So for now, I am just playing the role of silent listener. It did bother greatly in the beginning i.e to be her friend. But i think i am through with that.

I've no expectations left from her. And all she expects from me is to listen to her as a neutral person. I think I can grant her that even after how she left me. for humanity sake at least...what's your opinion now?

thanks

Edited April 10, 2014 by flash.gordon

[Downtown]

Hello, Flash. Welcome to the LoveShack forum.

I would say that she is a HF BPD person....she was diagnosed with this disorder.

Flash, what type of therapist diagnosed your exGF? Was it a psychologist or psychiatrist (both of whom hold a PhD in psychology)? I ask because, so far, you've not described any BPD traits. Importantly, I'm not saying she doesn't exhibit such traits but, rather, that your brief descriptions have not yet included any of them.

 

Of the nine defining traits for BPD, some are more important than others. If she has the full blown disorder, you should be seeing emotional instability -- the key defining trait for BPD. If you are not seeing instability, you're not seeing a pattern of BPD behavior. That instability typically is evident in a repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, together with rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you. By "rapid," I mean the flip between Jekyll and Hyde typically occurs in less than a minute, often in ten seconds. With my exW, for example, the flip to Hyde usually would occur once every 3 to 6 weeks. But, on some occasions, several flips between Jekyll and Hyde occurred on the very same day.

 

Another important trait which you don't mention is a strong fear of abandonment. It usually is evident in irrational jealousy and very controlling behavior that is primarily focused on isolating you from your friends and family members. If you are interested, I provide a list of BPD red flags I've seen at 18 Warning Signs.

The doctor says she will be fine in some 4 years time.

Hopefully so -- but don't count on it. Granted, there are excellent BPD treatment programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) available in most major cities. As the Wikipedia article you cite points out, the BPDers completing those programs have a remarkable success rate. The problem with BPD treatment is not a lack of good programs but, rather, a lack of attendance. Specifically, it is rare for HF BPDers to seek out such programs and rarer still for them to remain in those programs long enough to make a real difference. This is why the Wikipedia article cautions that "it is important to note that these high rates of relief from distressing symptoms have only been observed among those who receive treatment of some kind."

 

For a BPDer to be successful in treatment, two conditions must be met. One is having sufficient self awareness to recognize the problem and a willingness to concede that it is BPD. I've not seen any statistics on it but I would guess that no more than 3% of HF BPDers have that level of self awareness (because the very nature of BPD makes such awareness painful and extremely difficult to achieve). If your exGF has that level of self awareness, she has already overcome the major hurdle blocking nearly all other BPDers from success in therapy.

 

Having self awareness, however, is not sufficient. My experience is that most of the self aware HF BPDers will complain about their BPD traits but will not do the hard work necessary to fix the problem. Hence, in addition to having self awareness, a BPDer also must have the ego strength to be willing to tolerate several years of intensive therapy. It remains to be seen, then, whether your exGF has that ego strength -- even assuming she has the self awareness.

[Emilia]

Emilia,

Throughout my relationship with her, she never gave me any threats of committing suicide or even harming herself. It is totally her family and she knows it too. As per your link, I would say that she is a HF BPD person. Though she did have a rare panic attack recently and she was diagnosed with this disorder. The doctor says she will be fine in some 4 years time.

"And i cant live with the guilt that me being NC with her was even a least bit responsible for her harming herself. " - why did you say this in a previous post?

[flash.gordon]

"And i cant live with the guilt that me being NC with her was even a least bit responsible for her harming herself. " - why did you say this in a previous post?

 

Emilia,

I said that because she shares everything with me and she considers me as her only good friend. I know she hasnt many. If i stop being that silent listener to her and go NC with her, she will be left all alone. I know this. And i dont know what harm she may do to herself then. It may be solely because of her family and all but i know me being just a pillar for her her keeping her from doing any stupidity. We are not meeting any more and its only over phone. its only a concern and not love any more.

thanks for you reply

[flash.gordon]

Hello, Flash. Welcome to the LoveShack forum.Flash, what type of therapist diagnosed your exGF? Was it a psychologist or psychiatrist (both of whom hold a PhD in psychology)? I ask because, so far, you've not described any BPD traits. Importantly, I'm not saying she doesn't exhibit such traits but, rather, that your brief descriptions have not yet included any of them.

 

Of the nine defining traits for BPD, some are more important than others. If she has the full blown disorder, you should be seeing emotional instability -- the key defining trait for BPD. If you are not seeing instability, you're not seeing a pattern of BPD behavior. That instability typically is evident in a repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, together with rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you. By "rapid," I mean the flip between Jekyll and Hyde typically occurs in less than a minute, often in ten seconds. With my exW, for example, the flip to Hyde usually would occur once every 3 to 6 weeks. But, on some occasions, several flips between Jekyll and Hyde occurred on the very same day.

 

Another important trait which you don't mention is a strong fear of abandonment. It usually is evident in irrational jealousy and very controlling behavior that is primarily focused on isolating you from your friends and family members. If you are interested, I provide a list of BPD red flags I've seen at 18 Warning Signs.

Hopefully so -- but don't count on it. Granted, there are excellent BPD treatment programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) available in most major cities. As the Wikipedia article you cite points out, the BPDers completing those programs have a remarkable success rate. The problem with BPD treatment is not a lack of good programs but, rather, a lack of attendance. Specifically, it is rare for HF BPDers to seek out such programs and rarer still for them to remain in those programs long enough to make a real difference. This is why the Wikipedia article cautions that "it is important to note that these high rates of relief from distressing symptoms have only been observed among those who receive treatment of some kind."

 

For a BPDer to be successful in treatment, two conditions must be met. One is having sufficient self awareness to recognize the problem and a willingness to concede that it is BPD. I've not seen any statistics on it but I would guess that no more than 3% of HF BPDers have that level of self awareness (because the very nature of BPD makes such awareness painful and extremely difficult to achieve). If your exGF has that level of self awareness, she has already overcome the major hurdle blocking nearly all other BPDers from success in therapy.

 

Having self awareness, however, is not sufficient. My experience is that most of the self aware HF BPDers will complain about their BPD traits but will not do the hard work necessary to fix the problem. Hence, in addition to having self awareness, a BPDer also must have the ego strength to be willing to tolerate several years of intensive therapy. It remains to be seen, then, whether your exGF has that ego strength -- even assuming she has the self awareness.

 

 

Appreciate the support of established members on the forum

 

Downtown,

 

As per your list 12 , 14 , 16 and 17 dont hold true in her case, rest are pretty much her character sketch. I really liked your list.

 

A renowned psychiatrist in my country diagnosed her with this disorder. She had this panic attack and she went violent with her family after which she was taken to the doctor. Currently she is having weekly counselling from a psychologist suggested by the psychiatrist. She is also visiting the psychiatrist fortnightly. To sum up she is on medication as well as getting counselled.

She is taking her medications religiously and accepts her condition too. She has high goals in life and has fair bit of will power. I think this should make her recovery possible. And I would add that this fear of abandonment thing is still in her. Thats why she wants me to be her friend and will be devastated if I go NC with her.

 

I seriously think that it were the drugs that made her so kind of unlike her and she broke up with me. Now a days she acts really docile and understanding. I've been with her for over 4 years now, believe me these new changes in her are not like those Dr Jekyll days.

Edited April 11, 2014 by flash.gordon

[Downtown]

She is on medication as well as getting counseled.

Strictly speaking, the medication is not for the BPD and won't make a dent in it. BPD is not a disease. Nor does it arise from changes in body chemistry (as bipolar does). Instead, it is believed to be caused by the BPDer's emotional development being frozen at the level of a four year old (usually by a trauma occurring in early childhood). BPDers therefore cannot heal themselves by swallowing a pill. Instead, they must spend years in intensive therapy learning the various skills that the rest of us were able to learn in childhood, e.g., how to do self soothing, how to avoid black-white thinking, how to trust others, how to manage emotions, and how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

 

Medication nonetheless is routinely prescribed to BPDers. The reason is that nearly all BPDers also have one or two co-occurring clinical disorders -- such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, or bipolar -- all of which are treatable with medication. On top of that, about 75% of BPDers also have one or two other PDs (personality disorders) which are not treatable with medication.

I seriously think that it were the drugs that made her so kind of unlike her and she broke up with me.

Perhaps so. But her pushing you away was inevitable, with or without the drugs. The cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is a hallmark of BPDer behavior. It arises from the BPDer's twin fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- being at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum, as I explain at the link I provide below.

i feel i want to spend my life with her. and there are so many uncertainties on her side. im confused and in agony. Pls suggest what should i do?

I offer several suggestions. First, I agree with Emilia, Aries, and the other respondents saying that this young woman seems incapable of sustaining a close long-term relationship with you. As an untreated BPDer, she likely has the emotional development of a four year old. This means that your relationship with her, at best, will be that of a parent and child, not a BF and GF and not a husband and wife.

 

Her having BPD also means that, until she's completed many years of therapy, she is INCAPABLE of trusting you. Until she learns how to trust herself, she will be unable to trust you or perceive you to be the same personality from week to week. Of course, this implies that you cannot trust her because she can turn on you, with a vengeance, at any time. Because trust is the foundation on which all long-term, close relationships must be built if they are to survive, there is no foundation on which you can build a healthy relationship.

 

Second, because you are thinking about remaining in frequent contact with her (at least by phone), I suggest you get Stop Walking on Eggshells, the best-selling BPD book targeted to partners and friends like you. It will help you to better understand her perplexing behavior and also will explain how to strengthen your personal boundaries in order to protect yourself.

 

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com, which is devoted to the spouses and family members of BPDers. I also suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

 

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. We have a large number of members who -- being ex-partners, abused spouses, or the BPDers themselves -- have much experience with BPD relationships. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers. Your current thread, for example, has already attracted about 400 views.

As per your list 12 , 14 , 16 and 17 don't hold true in her case, rest are pretty much her character sketch. I really liked your list.

Thanks for the kind words, Flash. Given that you found my list helpful, you may also want to read my more detailed description of those BPD warning signs in my posts at Rebel's Thread. Those posts also attempt to explain why some of the confusing behavior occurs, e.g., why BPDers are notorious for the cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you.

[Haydn]

I found this massively helpful a while back. The trust issues i sustained and still do from my ex will not go away. (As from one of my recent threads, i helped her) But have made it a mantra not to have any contact with a very troubled woman i could not help.

 

Downtown has held my hand more than once.

 

 

 

 

Strictly speaking, the medication is not for the BPD and won't make a dent in it. BPD is not a disease. Nor does it arise from changes in body chemistry (as bipolar does). Instead, it is believed to be caused by the BPDer's emotional development being frozen at the level of a four year old (usually by a trauma occurring in early childhood). BPDers therefore cannot heal themselves by swallowing a pill. Instead, they must spend years in intensive therapy learning the various skills that the rest of us were able to learn in childhood, e.g., how to do self soothing, how to avoid black-white thinking, how to trust others, how to manage emotions, and how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

 

Medication nonetheless is routinely prescribed to BPDers. The reason is that nearly all BPDers also have one or two co-occurring clinical disorders -- such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, or bipolar -- all of which are treatable with medication. On top of that, about 75% of BPDers also have one or two other PDs (personality disorders) which are not treatable with medication.

Perhaps so. But her pushing you away was inevitable, with or without the drugs. The cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is a hallmark of BPDer behavior. It arises from the BPDer's twin fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- being at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum, as I explain at the link I provide below.

I offer several suggestions. First, I agree with Emilia, Aries, and the other respondents saying that this young woman seems incapable of sustaining a close long-term relationship with you. As an untreated BPDer, she likely has the emotional development of a four year old. This means that your relationship with her, at best, will be that of a parent and child, not a BF and GF and not a husband and wife.

 

Her having BPD also means that, until she's completed many years of therapy, she is INCAPABLE of trusting you. Until she learns how to trust herself, she will be unable to trust you or perceive you to be the same personality from week to week. Of course, this implies that you cannot trust her because she can turn on you, with a vengeance, at any time. Because trust is the foundation on which all long-term, close relationships must be built if they are to survive, there is no foundation on which you can build a healthy relationship.

 

Second, because you are thinking about remaining in frequent contact with her (at least by phone), I suggest you get Stop Walking on Eggshells, the best-selling BPD book targeted to partners and friends like you. It will help you to better understand her perplexing behavior and also will explain how to strengthen your personal boundaries in order to protect yourself.

 

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com, which is devoted to the spouses and family members of BPDers. I also suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is ttp://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm"]T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. [/b]

 

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. We have a large number of members who -- being ex-partners, abused spouses, or the BPDers themselves -- have much experience with BPD relationships. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers. Your current thread, for example, has already attracted about 400 views.

Thanks for the kind words, Flash. Given that you found my list helpful, you may also want to read my more detailed description of those BPD warning signs in my posts at Rebel's Thread. Those posts also attempt to explain why some of the confusing behavior occurs, e.g., why BPDers are notorious for the cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you.

[flash.gordon]

Downtown,

I totally agree that a long term relationship with her will be like that of a parent and child. With she being cool with me dating some one else, (as she has already done that) I think i can manage just a caring relationship with her. I guess I can remain as her friend as it is not affecting me now.

I have relinquished my idea of having her as my life partner. Thanks to the valuable suggestions on the forum. I know it will be hard for me to even be her friend. With the resources you have provided, I think being ambivalent (but not apathetic) on my part can do the trick at least for a while.

Regardless of the possibility of her recovery being very slim, I think she can pull it off. The therapy is going for 6 months now and she hasn't missed a single appointment. She is following the suggestions in her everyday life too. Also her family has mend their ways with her (at least for now).

In case she changes her mind in future and gets irregular with her therapy, I will have to devise a new strategy. And I'm not ignoring the option to go NC. The level of my attachment with her has already dropped over the period. I will surely refer to all the resources you have provided. I'm sure they will be equally helpful as your previous suggestions.

Thanks you so much!

Edited April 12, 2014 by flash.gordon

[ThatMan]

I think that you're being unrealistic. Those with BPD never face themselves honestly and would rather have a string of disposable partner objects which they can use as emotional garbage dumps for offloading their projections. She'll inevitably paint you all black, move on to fresh victims, all while keeping every single therapy appointment.

[flash.gordon]

I think that you're being unrealistic. Those with BPD never face themselves honestly and would rather have a string of disposable partner objects which they can use as emotional garbage dumps for offloading their projections. She'll inevitably paint you all black, move on to fresh victims, all while keeping every single therapy appointment.

 

 

I become an 'emotional garbage dump' only if I want to become one. I care the least if she wants to paint me black or white. All I'm asked for is to listen to her. I can manage that without affecting myself in any way. I have evolved that phase when her shouting at me made me sad. I don't care even the least bit about her string of 'victims'. I will be a victim if I will let myself to be. My self image is not dented by her reactions or tantrums (which occur rarely now) any more. Its all in the mind. I have no expectations of appreciation or even acknowledgement from her. Its just concern for a friend in need, who has had a disturbed childhood and has a non-supportive family; not love any more. Thanks none the less

Edited April 12, 2014 by flash.gordon

[ThatMan]

There are highly trained professionals who help those in need. They might go about their day, recognize from empathy and years of experience that a patient is lashing out from a place of pain, and they still don't take the job personally. It doesn't mean that they're required to look after themselves in various ways. The role of caregiver is still an incredibly demanding position for anyone to be in. You can claim that her antics aren't affecting you. Conversely, you immediately negated that claim by stating you feel sad whenever being shouted at by her.

 

The typical and healthy interaction between two consenting adults is rather simple. Normally people have to treat others as friends to be consider each other as a friend. She isn't treating you as a friend. You two aren't friends. You've assumed the role of a caregiver and not a friend, the place she turns to for support, and she has been dumping her emotions ontop you while raging, shouting, making temper-tantrums, and tearing you down a notch. You're a human being and not an emotionless robot. Suffering through what's tantamount to abuse under the guise of it all being inside your head is simple denial. It will be difficult for anyone to be in your position and you're ill-equipped to assume the role of her healer. Leave the support to trained professionals and look after yourself instead.

[flash.gordon]

There are highly trained professionals who help those in need. They might go about their day, recognize from empathy and years of experience that a patient is lashing out from a place of pain, and they still don't take the job personally. It doesn't mean that they're required to look after themselves in various ways. The role of caregiver is still an incredibly demanding position for anyone to be in. You can claim that her antics aren't affecting you. Conversely, you immediately negated that claim by stating you feel sad whenever being shouted at by her.

 

The typical and healthy interaction between two consenting adults is rather simple. Normally people have to treat others as friends to be consider each other as a friend. She isn't treating you as a friend. You two aren't friends. You've assumed the role of a caregiver and not a friend, the place she turns to for support, and she has been dumping her emotions ontop you while raging, shouting, making temper-tantrums, and tearing you down a notch. You're a human being and not an emotionless robot. Suffering through what's tantamount to abuse under the guise of it all being inside your head is simple denial. It will be difficult for anyone to be in your position and you're ill-equipped to assume the role of her healer. Leave the support to trained professionals and look after yourself instead.

 

ThatMan,

I think I failed to specify that she is not shouting at ME or matters related to me, but instead telling me about her family! She is treating me well and none of her outbursts are directed towards me. So I'm not affected by it and it is not just a claim! It has been 5 months now. Sure counselling her is the job of a professional but I wont dump her to the mercy of a doctor, It is very much unlike me

 

This forum and its suggestions did give me a clarity of mind. I posted the first question in the state of mind when I wanted to get her back. That feeling has vanished into thin air Also I am not going to accept any ill behaviour by her if it is directed towards me. As long as it isn't, I wont mind being a listener.

 

I also noticed that everyone is suggesting me in unanimity to go NC with her. I appreciate your concern but what happened to the philosophy of loving/caring someone without any expectations? I have realised that those who cant practice it will have the need to stop communicating; for the sake of their own happiness and well being. I've started practising it and it is keeping me really happy. She already told me while breaking up that I cant fulfil her expectations and I told her the same during our last conversation.

 

ThatMan, I will suggest you to read I'm OK, You're OK by Thomas Anthony Harris. Not that I'm challenging your views, but it will surely give you a different perspective to what I am saying. Plus it is an excellent book on day to day human interactions.

Thanks a ton!

Edited April 12, 2014 by flash.gordon