Standard-Fare Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I've been trying to "put myself out there" recently so I'm keeping an open mind to online dating. I don't love back-and-forth message exchanges so I usually cut to the chase and propose a meetup if I'm interested. And I usually get positive responses, they'll give me their number to text, and we'll get pretty far with making plans. But some version of this has happened the last FOUR times: We'll establish a day to meet, agreeing to firm up details the day-of. I vaguely plan in advance with that in mind, i.e. leaving the evening free, not accepting other plans. On the day of, there reaches a point where I need to know the schedule, so I'll check in. At this point, the scenarios verge: 1) One just never responded at all. So I never checked back. 2) One didn't respond, but texted the next day to apologize. He wanted to make plans again, but then did the exact same thing the next time (even apologizing again). Of course I dropped it. 3) One canceled on me about 20 minutes in advance of our plans, which pissed me off. He made no mention of rescheduling so I dropped it. He got back in touch about a week later asking if I was free that very moment (8 pm on a Sunday? Weird) and I didn't bother responding. 4) One got to me a few hours before with a polite cancellation and seemingly believable excuse. He expressed genuine interest in rescheduling. Now it remains to be seen if he'll follow through. But I've had it. Of course I understand not wanting to prioritize meeting a stranger from the Internet, keeping plans/people on the backburner, etc.... but when you make plans then flake out the day of without proper warning/excuse... that's just damn inconsiderate. I simply will NOT continue to waste any time on this bullsh*t. If anyone has solutions for avoiding this type of flakiness, I'd love to hear about it. 1
Bigcitydreamer Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Flakiness definitely sucks and as far as I'm aware there is no avoiding it. Try not to take it to heart and let it bother you too much. It seems like people are flakier on old, but there are flakes in normal dating too. 2
FitChick Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Why not plan to meet someone at a place you like going alone? If they don't show you will still enjoy yourself. Talking about day dates on the weekend. If things go well they sometimes progress into the evening. "I was planning to see the Van Gogh exhibit/Art Fair/softball game, etc. so I could meet you there at (time)." 2
Mo_Do Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Your problem is the "firm up the day of". Do not do that. You make FIRM plans, this time, at this place on this day - see you then! Then text confirm the day of. Your other problem is how you are trying to meet up with guys after just a few messages. Do not do that. Build a relationship and give them a reason to meet up with you. Get them to the text stage and THEN make plans, but by then THEY will be doing it, not you. A girl tried your tactic on me last week, 2 messages and then asked me out for coffee the day after - I never responded. Why? Because I don't know anything about her still! Her pictures were "ok" and her 2 messages sounded nice, but its still not enough for me to get ready, then drive 20-30 minutes to go meet a true stranger. Addendum - guys meet girls we like, and we don't like ya' enough after 2 emails, sorry. 1
Mrin Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Ya I think you might be moving too quickly to the meet up. But even if your are not, at least these guys are showing their true colors early and "self selecting" 1
BikerAccnt Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Your problem is the "firm up the day of". Do not do that. You make FIRM plans, this time, at this place on this day - see you then! Then text confirm the day of. Your other problem is how you are trying to meet up with guys after just a few messages. Do not do that. Build a relationship and give them a reason to meet up with you. Get them to the text stage and THEN make plans, but by then THEY will be doing it, not you. A girl tried your tactic on me last week, 2 messages and then asked me out for coffee the day after - I never responded. Why? Because I don't know anything about her still! Her pictures were "ok" and her 2 messages sounded nice, but its still not enough for me to get ready, then drive 20-30 minutes to go meet a true stranger. Addendum - guys meet girls we like, and we don't like ya' enough after 2 emails, sorry. I disagree with the build a relationship first part. I normally messaged a woman to meet up after 4 or 5 emails tops. I am on the site to date, not to become pen pals. I can't tell if I really want to date someone until I meet them. No amount of emailing is going to change that. 3
martaldn Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I disagree with the build a relationship first part. I normally messaged a woman to meet up after 4 or 5 emails tops. I am on the site to date, not to become pen pals. I can't tell if I really want to date someone until I meet them. No amount of emailing is going to change that. I agree. but apparently either way if not working. if you are too forwards then you are scaring them out. if you dont make plans straight away then you are playing the hard to get. I have 4 pending situation as we speak where they said me "lets meet up bla bla bla" but they dont make any further move like setting the day or the location.. but they keep texting me c**p about what they did at the week end and ect ect. I dont want to waste time talking to someone I might not even like in the real life. I want facts. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I agree with firming the plans up. Make definite plans for the day, time and place, and what you're going to do. It can just be X bar at 8pm and see where we go from there, that's fine, it doesn't have to be planned in minute detail. Disagree with building a relationship. Don't invest emotionally in someone you've never met. He could be a 12 year old boy having a laugh on his parents PC for all you know. Or a bunch of giggling schoolgirls. Or someone in prison killing time. You just never know until you meet. A short phone call can easily weed out most of these in advance. Phone calls are much better than texts. I normally send between 5-8 messages on the OLD site, exchange numbers, call and arrange a time/place to meet. Confirmation text the night or morning before. I've had a very low flake rate using this approach. 1
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Sorry, but no way to avoid this type of behavior simply b/c you don't control the other person's behavior. I've never been flaked on, but I chalk that up to being lucky with the women I've dated. Also, the women I've dated are more mature, in their 40s or around that, perhaps that explains a lot. I don't know how old you are, but women are less likely to be flaky than men, I think. I could be wrong. 1
Author Standard-Fare Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 As far as "building a relationship" via multiple messages: Not going to do that. I can't get myself invested in someone I haven't met in person, and I also find that this breeds unrealistic expectations of the person/"the bond you might have." I usually will exchange about three messages back and forth. If I'm interested in meeting the person and they haven't yet mentioned a meetup, I'll go for it. If they find that too forward -- so be it, they have every right to stop talking with me. With arranging the actual date, I've tried to narrow down details to a reasonable degree. We usually agree on a general area (not a specific place) and timeframe, i.e. "Friday evening." But I agree with the suggestion that the plans should be more specific -- i.e. a few days in advance, choose a particular coffee shop or bar, and an exact time. Do I have confidence this will eliminate flake-outs? No. But I agree that leaving anything open-ended is bad news. Frankly, though, if that #4 Dude above doesn't reschedule and follow through, I'm going to cancel my account for a while. I'm pretty disheartened by the behavior I've seen. I can't have even one more evening where I've turned down other plans to arrange my evening around a presumed "date," only to find myself sitting around like a chump. Seriously, f*ck that!
J21 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I've had an instance where a girl told me she'd like to meet me in the very first message. (It was a bold move, i was pretty surprised.) It turned out to be one of the best relationships in my life. On the flip side, I've gone back and forth with a girl for like 2 weeks (every other day or so) and when we met in person, it fizzled out after two dates. Guess "how long" doesnt matter as much as in person chemistry. 1
Author Standard-Fare Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 I've had an instance where a girl told me she'd like to meet me in the very first message. (It was a bold move, i was pretty surprised.) It turned out to be one of the best relationships in my life. On the flip side, I've gone back and forth with a girl for like 2 weeks (every other day or so) and when we met in person, it fizzled out after two dates. Guess "how long" doesnt matter as much as in person chemistry. Yeah, it definitely doesn't. I firmly believe that you can't have a true sense of someone until you've spent time with them in person. Exchanging multiple emails can only offer you a blurry mirage. I can't/won't waste too much time with that part of the process. I'd much rather waste an hour on a bad date to know for sure there's no match.
J21 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Yeah, it definitely doesn't. I firmly believe that you can't have a true sense of someone until you've spent time with them in person. Exchanging multiple emails can only offer you a blurry mirage. I can't/won't waste too much time with that part of the process. I'd much rather waste an hour on a bad date to know for sure there's no match. Completely agree with you. I don't bother responding to messages if I am not interested. It's not a matter of being mean or what not, just don't want to waste either of our time. Don't pay any mind to the flakers. If the other person doesn't have a legit reason, just pass and onto the next. As far as solutions go, I'm not sure there really is one. Flakiness is such an unpredictable factor--even if u exchanged a lot of messages there's no guarantee. It really depends on the person and part of the dice roll. Just keep your outlook positive and don't sweat it. I've learned OLD really requires thick skin, persistence and patience. 1
HappyLove Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 As far as "building a relationship" via multiple messages: Not going to do that. I can't get myself invested in someone I haven't met in person, and I also find that this breeds unrealistic expectations of the person/"the bond you might have." I usually will exchange about three messages back and forth. If I'm interested in meeting the person and they haven't yet mentioned a meetup, I'll go for it. If they find that too forward -- so be it, they have every right to stop talking with me. With arranging the actual date, I've tried to narrow down details to a reasonable degree. We usually agree on a general area (not a specific place) and timeframe, i.e. "Friday evening." But I agree with the suggestion that the plans should be more specific -- i.e. a few days in advance, choose a particular coffee shop or bar, and an exact time. Do I have confidence this will eliminate flake-outs? No. But I agree that leaving anything open-ended is bad news. Frankly, though, if that #4 Dude above doesn't reschedule and follow through, I'm going to cancel my account for a while. I'm pretty disheartened by the behavior I've seen. I can't have even one more evening where I've turned down other plans to arrange my evening around a presumed "date," only to find myself sitting around like a chump. Seriously, f*ck that! Well obviously the way you are doing things isn't working so you may as well take the advice of people who are OLDing vets! You seem very impatient. You're all F that I'm not doing that, I'm not wasting time. Look I'll be the first to tell you OLDing sucks and only works for the VERY few and lucky. But back when I did OLD. The ones where everything moved way too fast like your doing are the ones that flaked last minute. The point in exchanging more emails is to weed out flakes period. It doesn't mean your now emotionally invested. Also it sucks but yes wait for the guy to ask you out. Men love the chase. It's too easy for them if your the one offering so they flake. Good luck I know OLDing sucks and you haven't even gotten to the fun part where your dating for months then they flake. Sorry but the grass is always greener online. I personally think it's a waste unless your extremely lucky to come across a like minded person.
Arieswoman Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Standard-Fare, Just keep your outlook positive and don't sweat it. I've learned OLD really requires thick skin, persistence and patience. ^^^^^^^ this is good advice from J21. I did OLD years ago when I was single. I didn't use it as my main source of dates just as an additional way of meeting guys. However, I still treated it seriously. I had another unlisted phone that I purely used for personal calls, so I knew if a guy was calling me. I didn't bother with all this texting business, I actually spoke to the guys and that gave me a bit of an insight into what they were like. I wasn't shy at suggesting a date but I always made them daytime ones. I also made sure I had something else to go onto if they didn't turn up. It was usually a case of "I'm in Xplace on Sat would you like to meet for coffee?" Then we would fix a time. I only once had a guy cancel because he was stuck in traffic. I said I was sorry he had been held up but perhaps he could call again when he was free and perhaps we could set up another meet? I then had my coffee and then went to an art exhibition that I had always wanted to see. He never called, so I moved on. All the guys I met made all the right noises about how they had enjoyed my company and how we must do it again etc.etc. I said, "well you have my number if you want to set up another date" and left it like that. None of them called so that was that. IMO it is a numbers game. If you throw enough mud at the wall some of it will stick.
kodakgirl Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 As far as "building a relationship" via multiple messages: Not going to do that. I can't get myself invested in someone I haven't met in person, and I also find that this breeds unrealistic expectations of the person/"the bond you might have." I usually will exchange about three messages back and forth. If I'm interested in meeting the person and they haven't yet mentioned a meetup, I'll go for it. If they find that too forward -- so be it, they have every right to stop talking with me. This is exactly what I do too, and I've never ever had a fellow flake out. I guess I've been lucky! However, it's possible I approach it differently. I pretty much always have the same pattern with the guys I meet up with... one of us writes a fairly short first message, a question or two. Other person is interested, answers question (s), asks a few more. First person responds to responses, answers questions, asks more. By three messages back and forth they are long messages! Usually the guy asks me to meet up, but I will also do it after three messages on my side max, because though I like writing stuff I don't want a penpal. This usually all happens in under a week or week and a half. Once someone has asked about meeting, it goes into "making concrete plans mode"-- find a day that works for both of us, find a time, pick a place, often also pick a place by the place to meet (usually set in a day or two after a bit of back and forth). I've always done this through messaging rather than text, but whatever works (I always give my number before we do meet though, in case he is running late, and I've always had him give me mine in return.). It's usually coffee or drinks; once I did agree to a dinner because we got along so well it seemed sure we'd be good friends at least (yep!). As I said I've never had a flake. Maybe you do things exactly the same way and I'm lucky; maybe I have a knack for picking the kinds of guys who wouldn't flake; maybe a different approach does make a different. I'm not sure-- but in case it adds any insight, this is my experience!
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 All the guys I met made all the right noises about how they had enjoyed my company and how we must do it again etc.etc. I said, "well you have my number if you want to set up another date" and left it like that. None of them called so that was that. Aries, do these guys say these things in person, immediately after the date or by texting/phone minutes or hours later? Anyway, if I am interested in a woman after the date, I ask immediately for a second, in person. Have you had guys do that and still flake? Do you think that would make a difference? IMO it is a numbers game. If you throw enough mud at the wall some of it will stick. Yup.
Author Standard-Fare Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 I went through a spell of online dating the last time I was single, a few years ago, and didn't encounter the same level of flakiness I'm seeing now. I would assume texting is the reason for the change. I don't like texting at all, but at some point in the convo the guy always suggests to switch to that mode so I go with it. (Seems easier than being difficult about it.) But I think texting does encourage that flaky mentality of "nothing's set in stone, every plan can be changed at a whim, even at the last minute." As far as the suggestion to invest more in the initial message exchanges, I guess I can try a little harder with that. But I know I'll never be the type to exchange more than 5-6 messages with someone if there's no mention of an actual date.
Joaquin Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Sounds like you're just having a bad run. Keep going and stay positive. With zero emotional investment you have lost nothing. 2
Arieswoman Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Soccerrprp, in reply to your post #18. The guys concerned said these things to me in person and when I suggested they call me and set up a date they agreed and said that they would. Then I never heard from them again. I didn't expect them to commit to another date there and then, after all, they may have had various committments in their schedules. However, if they hadn't called within about 3 days I assumed they weren't interested and forgot about them. I never got asked for a second date from any of them. I wasn't that bothered as I had other ways to meet guys and OLD, as I said, was just another medium.
Author Standard-Fare Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Sounds like you're just having a bad run. Keep going and stay positive. With zero emotional investment you have lost nothing. Agree there's zero emotional investment. But yes, I've lost something. Each time this has happened (and note that one of these guys played me twice), the result has been a night home alone feeling kind of ****ty, when I could have been doing other things. These are rare free nights for me where I really want to be social. If I'm planning on a date, I turn down other plans and leave my night clear. So sure, I get to clean my apartment and catch up on Hulu, but that's sad. These strangers cost me opportunities to be get out there and spend time with other people. I resent that.
Phantom888 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Not every guy on OLD is this flaky. Only the commitment-phobes who date 3-4 women at a time tend to be this flaky. They ask out multiple women, and cancel on the ones they are less interested in. Be grateful that you didn't fall for such men. They are bad news, and full of drama. Try to see if you can detect guys who have lots in common with you, and appreciates only you. He doesn't have to be in love with you right away, but his interest in you should be focused and not scattered. Those types of men do not flake. They date only one at a time.
Author Standard-Fare Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Just spoke about this problem with a girlfriend of mine who has also been trying OLD. I realized for her it's a high-stakes problem because she's a mom and she has to arrange babysitters in advance to make any dates happen. If someone f*cks around with the plans, they're causing her some serious inconvenience. She's had it happen a couple times lately. I guess it's not as big of a deal for me, but still -- I don't get why people are handling themselves this way. It's seriously disheartening to me.
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