stephamitch Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Hi So I met my boyfriend in 2005. We have been together 9yrs. In the beginning everything was great (just like most new relationships ) About 5yrs ago our sexual relationship stopped. I figured it was my fault b/c I have a low sex drive. After visiting the Dr we found out one of my meds was causing that issue so I stopped. Once that issue was fixed I tried making the first move. still nothing. When I tried talking to him about it, he said he was stressed or tired or not in the mood. So I left it alone... In 2011 we took a break, not a long one, just 2 weeks. He said he regretted breaking up and wanted me to come back home. I was so happy. I came home but still nothing changed. He was/is never home. When he is home, he is in the computer room watching a movie, playing a game, or working, or sleeping. He doesnt even sleep in the same bed as me anymore. Im normally in the living room watching TV or reading a book. When ever a new movie comes out I try to get him to watch it with me. Gives us something to do together but he normally says he's busy or has already seen it. The last 6mths he has been gone every weekend. During the week he gets home around midnight-ish. Im normally in bed by then since I have to be at work at 7. We havent spent any time together in almost a year. I cant rely on him for anything. If I ask him to help with something he says ok, yet its never done. 6mths ago I decided to try and talk about our relationship again. I asked if he wanted to work on it or go our separate ways, his answer was "we cant afford to support ourselves if we split". When I asked what is holding him back he said "Before mom died (2012), I promised her I would never marry you". That answer hurt, more then I would ever admit. In my opinion he should have stood up for me. I asked about counselling, he said no without even thinking about it. Anytime my family puts him down Im right there to stand up for him. Since this talk nothing has happened and he is never home. Is it time to go our separate ways? Im tired of being the only one who tries to make it work and his promise to his mom keeps popping up in my mind.. I just cant seem to get over it I keep waiting for a sign that says we should stay together but at every turn something reminds me it would be healthier and less stressful to end it. If I try to talk to someone (my mom or BFF) they tell me its time they can see the stress this causes. but they also tell me that they will support me either way (which is great. I just want some guidance) Torn & Confused
Yookie Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Sounds like your relationship has been over for a long time. He would not have made that promise to his mom on her death-bed if he didn't mean it. He's not even trying to have a relationship with you because it's pointless. He only wants you there because it makes it easier financially. You need to decide if you're happy being his room-mate (cause that's all you really are) or if you want a chance to find a real relationship. You need to leave before that can happen.
SD1000 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Instead of wondering if you should stay with him, I think the question you should be asking yourself is why you have accepted this depressing relationship for so long. The last few years have been wasted. Don't let the next three years be wasted. By the way, a grown man promising his mother that he won't marry his current girlfriend is wrong in so many ways.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 He's already moved on from you. He just doesn't have the means to support himself alone, but that isn't your problem. The relationship is already dead in the water and he's clearly not interested in saving it. It's time for you to move on too. Don't waste any more precious years trying to fix something when you're the only one who wants to fix it. 3
BikerAccnt Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Yes, it's time you went your separate ways. I spent 6 years of and 8 year relationship in a state similar than yours before I wised up. I hold no grudges against my ex, she's a fine woman, for a friend. Don't waste another moment. It's hard to get out of the comfort zone when you've been in it so long. I know.
TheNoBSBuddhist Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I had a very long and Buddhist-themed response ready for this, then I re-read the original post and thought - "To hell with it." Sweetheart: Cut your losses, cut them now and fling him to the wind. He will just have to learn to survive financially without you. At least his mum got her dying wish. You my dearest, have dodged a bullet. You're the lucky one. Leave just as soon as you can arrange to. And just for good measure, make absolutely damn sure it comes as a complete shock to him to find you gone.
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