Ruby Slippers Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Actually had the balls to tell me we could have stayed that way for a couple years till he met somebody else, have I not said anything. Wow, wouldn't you have been a lucky girl in that situation!!
Author Elle1975 Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 Yes, the thought of it really is sickening. I did make a grand exit.. he insisted on giving any of my stuff he'd find back to me. So I pretty much raised my voice telling him I just needed to get away, and left somewhat slamming the door. Not on purpose. The door is hard to close. So anyway.. I get to my car and look for my car keys... God.. did I forget them on the table? Oh God! .... Nope, they were buried at the bottom of my purse. LOL!
atlg8r Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Well yes, I don't have many years ahead of me, that's for sure. I am afraid that bringing it up would scare him off. I find the conversation quite heavy, maybe because it's something I have at heart. On another hand after 9 months, he is starting to get an idea of who I am. The "honey moon" phase has worn off and we're still doing good, so that's good news. Like I said, it's not something I want to rush, but it's something I'd like to know about. I find it fair for me to know. I see no reason you can't ask him about marriage in general. There is a little difference between asking him if he wants to get married again and if he wants to marry YOU specifically. It sounds like, from what his friend told you, he just doesn't want to remarry at all, you or anyone else. If that's the case, there is no point in continuing to date him if you do want to be remarried.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I wouldn't see him at all, or even respond to any attempts to contact. No contact really helps in situations like these. Sorry for the breakup - but it sounds like it's definitely for the best. 2
Author Elle1975 Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 No worries. I won't. Not going to help me and I know it. The whole thing is just sad. I just need to finish my day at work without getting emotional. So far, so good. Lots of hiding spots at my job.
atlg8r Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Marriage is a pretty bad deal for men these days. While not all women turn into money hungry velociraptors when they separate it is more often the case than not. If he's already been through a divorce he's experienced that soul destroying enterprise from the guy's side and it isnt pretty. Especially if cheating was involved. Not to get into a diatribe trashing the institution of marriage here, but look at the institution of marriage from the guy's eyes... He married a woman he (at the time) truly loved. Then he caught her cheating somehow or someway. Then they got divorced, and she took half of the family assets, likely got primary custody of the kids if there were any, plus alimony. She probably moved in with her affair partner or a different guy after the divorce, so buddy was paying cash to his now ex-wife who is balling another guy and living with him. Icing on the cake is she probably accused him of at least some level of domestic violence during the divorce (womens groups recommend doing that so they can get a restraining order "just in case"). So in the end even though he may have been the faithful dutiful husband and his ex wife was the cheater he's still shelling out half his assets, if he had kids he was probably fighting just to get access to them and writing monthly checks equivalent to 20-30% of his income while his ex wife was living it up with some new guy and he heard through the grapevine of her lavish tirades while he was stuck in some crappy apartment eating Kraft dinner. I'm not the same age as he is, I'm 37, but I'm probably in a simillar head space as he is. For a girl to get me even interested in marriage she had better be a pretty phenomenal lady in all ways. I mean a girl who has a great job who makes more than enough money to look after herself who is cute or hot, takes care of her body, and who never tries to change me or complain about me being the me that I am. I look at women extremely pragmatically now, almost evaluating them as I would evaluate someone I was giving a line of credit, which, marrying a woman basically is - you start with a small diamond ring and the expenses go up from there until it is basically a flatline of 50% of whatever you own. I know it kind of takes the magic out of dating for the guy to look at things that way. To be honest I think that they should bring back fault-divorce. If the woman (or the man for that matter) is nailed cheating they should get nothing but their personal belongings. As an institution marriage is a good idea. Unfortunately, the legal system has perverted it so badly that in the long haul the committment isnt worth the paper it's printed on. Maybe you just suck at picking partners. ::shrug::
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 No worries. I won't. Not going to help me and I know it. The whole thing is just sad. I just need to finish my day at work without getting emotional. So far, so good. Lots of hiding spots at my job. Personally it really helps me to even block someone's number when they've dumped me and block their Facebook too. It's not for everyone and it's not outta spite but it really is important for me to feel like I am definitely not gonna hear from them in order to move on. If that door is open, and I know that I could get a message at any time, I find it hard to move on. I need to know it's final irrespective of any further actions. Sure technically the guy could open a fresh Facebook or text from another phone, I know this logically, but it just helps me! Plus I don't tell them I've done it. Of course they can see I'm gone from Facebook but I don't tell them I've blocked their number so for all they know, any messages might just be being ignored by me. And once I've made up my mind it's over, I don't wanna hear their begging for another chance, their keeping me dangling, nothing. Good luck.
Author Elle1975 Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 I'm not on his facebook, never been interested in it. I keep it for my family, my niece actually. I don't know his number by heart. Simply because from day one it's been in my cell phone and I just never bothered learning it. I deleted his contact in my email. I doubt if he'll call me since he initiated the break up but I have always heard that they do try to dump their guilt at one point, or just check in to get an ego boost, that kind of thing. My provider doesn't let me block phone calls, just text messages. I would recognize the number though, and after what he told me, I'm not about to answer. Beside, even if he woke up one day magically thinking "oh my god, what did I do? I miss her!".. my trust would be non existent and I'd be torturing myself with doubts. To be honest, I made mistakes. I was too available, we saw each other every week end, when I should have taken some healthy distance once in a while. I am a very affectionate person. I should have kept my affection in check as well, instead of showering him with attention.
Gaeta Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 To be honest, I made mistakes. I was too available, we saw each other every week end, when I should have taken some healthy distance once in a while. I am a very affectionate person. I should have kept my affection in check as well, instead of showering him with attention. No, stop this right now. Nothing you have done chased him away. You don't chase a man away by being your loving self. So what you saw each other each weekend? Isn't that what couples do when they date? You keep your feelings in check when you start dating, your relationship was not at its first step! 3
Author Elle1975 Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 I'm just wondering what I could have done different, so I don't make the same mistakes twice. And yes.. couples have to spend time together to call themselves a couple, indeed. When we saw each other, it's not like I was smothering him either. I'm affectionate, but not in a suffocating kind of way.
Gaeta Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 As I see it, the only advice I could give you would be to make it clear right from the beginning you are in the business of finding yourself a husband and want children. Any men not seeking the same do not need to apply.
Iguanna Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 To be honest, I made mistakes. I was too available, we saw each other every week end, when I should have taken some healthy distance once in a while. I am a very affectionate person. I should have kept my affection in check as well, instead of showering him with attention. So in other words the conclusion you've come to is that you should have been a different person in order for him to like and accept you. No. This is wrong. This is what has destroyed human relationships, that's what has made men and women selfish and expecting everything to be easy. What he doesn't like or accept will be the best thing for another man. There's someone out there for all of us. We should stop trying to be what we assume people will like ans start being ourselves. Only then will we be truly happy when we do find someone to love. There is a man out there who is craving for your "shower of attention" and he will appreciate it and give it back multiplied by thousand times. Stop blaming yourself for not being something else than you are and start looking for THAT man. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I told him I loved him 6 months into our relationship. He paused (eeek!!) and finally he said he felt the same but was very guarded with his feelings. He still hasn't told me the magic words. This tells you everything you need to know. Next time, if the guy doesn't tell you he loves you and start getting serious in a reasonable period of time, just move on. If he really loves you and is serious about you, you won't have to ask - he'll be eager to lock it down. I'll never again be with a guy who makes me wonder how he feels about me. I'd rather die alone than suffer through that again.
J21 Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I think you handle the situation with a lot of class and dignity OP. Kudos to you. You seem like a really wonderful person and I hope you find someone after you feel ready to get back out there. 3
J21 Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 (edited) As I see it, the only advice I could give you would be to make it clear right from the beginning you are in the business of finding yourself a husband and want children. Any men not seeking the same do not need to apply. I think the timing of that would be just as important. If someone said that on the very first date (or relatively early during the dating stages).. I would have thoughts like "I JUST met you, don't really even know you yet, and you're already talking about jumping headfirst into a life long commitment of marriage and kids??" I do want to get married and have kids, but there needs to be a reasonable amount of time for two people to get to know each other, and figure out whether they are actually compatible. I view marriage and raising kids as a life long commitment, so I wouldn't like to be rushed into a decision--but again, there needs to be a reasonable time frame in which they have to decide after a certain age. Edited April 15, 2014 by J21
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I think the timing of that would be just as important. If someone said that on the very first date (or relatively early during the dating stages).. I would have thoughts like "I JUST met you, don't really even know you yet, and you're already talking about jumping headfirst into a life long commitment of marriage and kids??" I do want to get married and have kids, but there needs to be a reasonable amount of time for two people to get to know each other, and figure out whether they are actually compatible. I view marriage and raising kids as a life long commitment, so I wouldn't like to be rushed into a decision--but again, there needs to be a reasonable time frame in which they have to decide after a certain age. I don't think anybody is advocating 'do you want to get married to me and have a child?' more along the lines of 'so do you see marriage and kids in your future someday?' hell, I know I want marriage and kids but I know for sure that I can't possibly know yet after three months whether I want that with my current boyfriend or not, as I don't know him well enough and we're still in infatuation, as lovely as that is. I do know his feelings on the topic however and he mine, again not necessarily saying 'with each other' just how we feel about those things with the right person someday. I wouldn't bring it up on a first date either, but no longer than after the first couple months. And if either of us changes our mind on that stuff being in our futures (our being separate at this stage), well we know what the other person thinks and can do the decent thing and let them know. My current boyfriend actually said that he wants kids but not until his mid-thirties, I would like them around thirty I think. I want to get married, he isn't strongly opposed but has never seen the point of it if the couple are atheist but would be up for it if his partner wanted it. So we're not even on the same page really, but I don't expect us to be after a few months when we barely know one another. IMO the 'when' and 'how' can generally be negotiated between a couple, but the absolutes of 'yes' or 'no' to those things cannot, when you are completely 100% set in either view. So a guy stating he would NEVER get married would be a no for me. And so would a guy stating that he'd never have kids, or he absolutely definitely wanted them within the next year. Elle I really don't think you could have handled this any better. There's no normal for spending time with each other in a relationship, it's all relative. Some couples I know moved in after a matter of weeks and are still going strong years later. Others moved in after four years and it crashed and burnt. I've had boyfriends where I've slept over once a week, and others where it's been standard to spend 6 or 7 nights a week with one another even if all we had time to do was sleep in the same bed (due to heavy schedules). You certainly don't need to kick yourself for being too available by seeing somebody each weekend at nine months! That's normal in relationships. And don't forget, he wanted to see you each weekend too. It's natural to hunt for answers as to what we could have done better but at the end of the day, as long as you were your true authentic self, you know that he is making the decision to be with you or not based on your true self, the only thing that will come out in the end anyway. Imagine if you'd have forced yourself to see him every other weekend and pretended to be too busy to see him the weekends inbetween and then this happened anyway (which I'm sure it would have done), you'd have been kicking yourself for not being available enough. Sometimes (often), one person eventually just doesn't feel the same about their partner as their partner does about them. It sucks and it hurts like hell and I've been on the end of that too and it's incredibly crushing, the rejection is painful. Like, what the hell is wrong with me that I'm not good enough for them? What could I have done differently? Is being single and alone really so much better than being with me? But I'm sure you've had relationships before, even if just at the early dating stages, where he was into you and you weren't into him. It happens, it's natural, I've fallen out of love/lust with people before, and people have left me too. I think you should be really proud of yourself for taking the bull by the horns and finding out how he felt straight so as to not waste any more of your time, especially at 40 wanting a family. And be thankful you didn't listen to posters who say that discussing these topics will freak a man out or scare him off. You've uncovered the truth and handled it wonderfully and in a little while you'll be ready and able to get back out there, meet new people again, and free to meet the right person rather than saddled to a guy it was never going anywhere with. Best of luck. 3
Gaeta Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I think the timing of that would be just as important. If someone said that on the very first date (or relatively early during the dating stages).. I would have thoughts like "I JUST met you, don't really even know you yet, and you're already talking about jumping headfirst into a life long commitment of marriage and kids??" I do want to get married and have kids, but there needs to be a reasonable amount of time for two people to get to know each other, and figure out whether they are actually compatible. I view marriage and raising kids as a life long commitment, so I wouldn't like to be rushed into a decision--but again, there needs to be a reasonable time frame in which they have to decide after a certain age. You misinterpret what I meant. When you date someone you make it clear what are your goals 'in general'. I am not saying she tells him on their 3rd date she wants to marry 'him' but definitely over a first coffee you can tell the man I am someone that believes in marriage. I do not want to rush into anything but my goal in life is to marry and have a family. 1
J21 Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 You misinterpret what I meant. When you date someone you make it clear what are your goals 'in general'. I am not saying she tells him on their 3rd date she wants to marry 'him' but definitely over a first coffee you can tell the man I am someone that believes in marriage. I do not want to rush into anything but my goal in life is to marry and have a family. Yeah I definitely misinterpretted then. I think the "make clear right from the beginning you are in the business of finding yourself a husband and want children" came off the wrong way when I read it in my head.
Author Elle1975 Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 Elle I really don't think you could have handled this any better. There's no normal for spending time with each other in a relationship, it's all relative. Some couples I know moved in after a matter of weeks and are still going strong years later. Others moved in after four years and it crashed and burnt. I've had boyfriends where I've slept over once a week, and others where it's been standard to spend 6 or 7 nights a week with one another even if all we had time to do was sleep in the same bed (due to heavy schedules). You certainly don't need to kick yourself for being too available by seeing somebody each weekend at nine months! That's normal in relationships. And don't forget, he wanted to see you each weekend too. It's natural to hunt for answers as to what we could have done better but at the end of the day, as long as you were your true authentic self, you know that he is making the decision to be with you or not based on your true self, the only thing that will come out in the end anyway. Imagine if you'd have forced yourself to see him every other weekend and pretended to be too busy to see him the weekends inbetween and then this happened anyway (which I'm sure it would have done), you'd have been kicking yourself for not being available enough. Sometimes (often), one person eventually just doesn't feel the same about their partner as their partner does about them. It sucks and it hurts like hell and I've been on the end of that too and it's incredibly crushing, the rejection is painful. Like, what the hell is wrong with me that I'm not good enough for them? What could I have done differently? Is being single and alone really so much better than being with me? But I'm sure you've had relationships before, even if just at the early dating stages, where he was into you and you weren't into him. It happens, it's natural, I've fallen out of love/lust with people before, and people have left me too. I think you should be really proud of yourself for taking the bull by the horns and finding out how he felt straight so as to not waste any more of your time, especially at 40 wanting a family. And be thankful you didn't listen to posters who say that discussing these topics will freak a man out or scare him off. You've uncovered the truth and handled it wonderfully and in a little while you'll be ready and able to get back out there, meet new people again, and free to meet the right person rather than saddled to a guy it was never going anywhere with. Best of luck. Thank you, it felt really good to "hear" that. It's going to be a rough couple of weeks but I know that little by little it gets better. Today feels a lot of hell better than Sunday. Getting my heart stuffed in a grinder wasn't the most pleasurable experience. Thank you for saying I handled it well.
Author Elle1975 Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 I think you handle the situation with a lot of class and dignity OP. Kudos to you. You seem like a really wonderful person and I hope you find someone after you feel ready to get back out there. Thank you.. I appreciate the compliment..
HappyLove Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I'm just wondering what I could have done different, so I don't make the same mistakes twice. And yes.. couples have to spend time together to call themselves a couple, indeed. When we saw each other, it's not like I was smothering him either. I'm affectionate, but not in a suffocating kind of way. What do you mean what you could have done different? You mean not to lose him? Or to find out sooner? He was never going to be the right guy for you because you want much different things in life. The ONLY thing you could have done different was ask if children and marriage was a goal of his. This should have been asked very early on before you became exclusive. So then you aren't too attached to move on and most importantly you don't waste your time. He turned out to be a Grade A jerk anyways he did you a HUGE favor by breaking up. He was basically using you for the time being. I'm sure there were many red flags with this guy!
Author Elle1975 Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 You misinterpret what I meant. When you date someone you make it clear what are your goals 'in general'. I am not saying she tells him on their 3rd date she wants to marry 'him' but definitely over a first coffee you can tell the man I am someone that believes in marriage. I do not want to rush into anything but my goal in life is to marry and have a family. Absolutely, I learned my lesson on that one. I think that's one of the good things with the dating sites.. people can see ahead of time what other members are looking for. To be honest I have never met someone through a dating site, always in real life. For 20 bucks, I will give it a try, in a few weeks. Also 6 months is going to be my absolute limit when it comes to feelings. It sounds arbitrary but honestly I'm not putting myself through that again. Now that I think about it.. he hated country music. Can't be a good guy if you hate country, now, can you? 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Thank you, it felt really good to "hear" that. It's going to be a rough couple of weeks but I know that little by little it gets better. Today feels a lot of hell better than Sunday. Getting my heart stuffed in a grinder wasn't the most pleasurable experience. Thank you for saying I handled it well. You're welcome, you did handle it well and I'm obviously not the only person to think so It does suck major balls, been there. It always feels like an amazing miracle once you start to feel better because at the time you just can't picture it EVER getting any better, but once you've been through it a couple times you just know for a logical cold fact that no matter how much you love someone, how much you want them, the pain does eventually go away. And usually you end up moving onto something just as, if not more wonderful as before!
Author Elle1975 Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 It does suck major balls Ha. Yes, it does! The good thing is that now i have more time to see my friends and study. I also don't get lonely, although I'd like someone in my life, it's not to fill in an empty space.. so I will definitively have more time to myself. Btw.. I was looking at the match.com.. I'm scratching this idea! I find it creepy..
HappyLove Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Ha. Yes, it does! The good thing is that now i have more time to see my friends and study. I also don't get lonely, although I'd like someone in my life, it's not to fill in an empty space.. so I will definitively have more time to myself. Btw.. I was looking at the match.com.. I'm scratching this idea! I find it creepy.. If you have no problem meeting men IRL then definitely do that! OLDing is a whole other world of nonsense. I'd choose real life over that EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
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