Elle1975 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Hello, I met my boyfriend last June of 2013. He's 45 and I am 40. I told him I loved him 6 months into our relationship. He paused (eeek!!) and finally he said he felt the same but was very guarded with his feelings. He still hasn't told me the magic words. He does all the things a boyfriend does, he helped me move (twice!), put shelves in my new place, we have a good sex life and we get along. Since the get go I have always felt he was holding back though. He was with his ex gf for 9 years and was married once before when he was young. His first wife cheated on him with his best friend, so I know he has trust issues, or at least marriage issues. We both want kids, we did have this conversation, which is great. Today his best friend let the cat out of the bag without realizing it. He said my boyfriend didn't want to get remarried. I do, eventually. Not tomorrow, not next year, but I see that in the future. I am wondering if it's conversation worthy after 9 months of dating. After all he never told me he didn't want to. I did hint at it while watching a show one day, so he probably caught that I do. My instincts tell me to leave the matter alone, at least for a few months, maybe the fall. What do you think? Thank you
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 hhmm so he would have children with you but not marriage. These men make me laugh. If one thing will tie you up with 1 person for the rest of your life it's having children with that person. Marriage can be undone, not having a child. At 40, and you want kids and marriage, 9 months is plenty of time for him sheet or get off the pot. You are not in your 20s anymore, doesn't take us years to figure out what we want. Oh, and his story about being cheated on and that keeps him from trusting *excuses*. 10
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Opps forgot to answer your question I would give him till 1 year, on your 1st year dating reassess the relationship. 3
Author Elle1975 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 Well yes, I don't have many years ahead of me, that's for sure. I am afraid that bringing it up would scare him off. I find the conversation quite heavy, maybe because it's something I have at heart. On another hand after 9 months, he is starting to get an idea of who I am. The "honey moon" phase has worn off and we're still doing good, so that's good news. Like I said, it's not something I want to rush, but it's something I'd like to know about. I find it fair for me to know.
mammasita Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 I don't think it's too soon to bring it up, absolutely conversation worthy at 9 months. Not a huge heartfelt convo, but something like "I'd just like to know if you see marriage at some point because I know that's something I definitely want" I would want to know ASAP so I could decide what I wanted to do. 1
Author Elle1975 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 One year sounds good. And yes, I'd like to know. I think it's fair for me to know what to expect.
mammasita Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 One year sounds good. And yes, I'd like to know. I think it's fair for me to know what to expect. Playing devils advocate, why would you want to wait a year and find out he doesn't want to get married? You just heard his friend tell you he didn't want to remarry. I think you're fooling yourself by waiting. Talk through it now so you can make decisions. 7
Author Elle1975 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 So, not to sound stereotypical.. but isn't it something that might send it running off to the hills? To be completely honest, that's what is holding me back. Although I understand what you are saying. Like I said, he has an idea of who I am now.
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 So, not to sound stereotypical.. but isn't it something that might send it running off to the hills? To be completely honest, that's what is holding me back. Although I understand what you are saying. Like I said, he has an idea of who I am now. I wonder why this is not something you talked about when you met, like I am sure you verbalized very early that you wanted children. So you're just going to tell him that you heard him make a comment about marriage and you'd like to know more details on his position concerning marriage. You're not going to ask him to marry you right so no reasons for him to run. If he does run for the hills well.....better now than in another 6 months. 1
mammasita Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 So, not to sound stereotypical.. but isn't it something that might send it running off to the hills? To be completely honest, that's what is holding me back. Although I understand what you are saying. Like I said, he has an idea of who I am now. Some men it might but if he's the right man for you he won't run....regardless this isn't about him running or not, it's about YOU getting what YOU want out of this relationship, right? I had the conversation with my BF and he didn't run. I'm 38. We've been dating since October. Speak up. 1
xxoo Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Send him running if that's what he's going to do. Better now than later. If he's marriage minded, the conversation should be easy. It really sounds like he isn't interested in marriage. What did he mean when he said he wants kids? Did he say he wanted kids with you? Or did he just say that, in general, he sees himself having kids? Or something else? 4
Author Elle1975 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 It's something I brought up a few weeks ago. I mentioned that I wanted kids. We then had a serious conversation about it. Not like I have names picked out.. Just wanted to know. I brought it up because I didn't want to assume he wanted them just because he had said something early on (he had). I suppose I needed reassurance that he was seeing himself having kids with me in the future. That's fair for me to know as well. Well I guess I'm not as outspoken as you guys And ok, I will bring it up next time we have a quiet relaxed moment. Not something I want to drop over the phone! I will keep you updated, yes..
Author Elle1975 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 By the way, his sister just got engaged after a few years of dating her boyfriend. So it's an easy conversation starter for me. I am ok with having kids first. That's what my parents did, as they had me and siblings later in life.
J21 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 IMO 9 months is perfectly normal to talk about the issue. 9 months weighs a lot more at that age, than if you spent 9 months with someone in your early 20s. Having kids or not is certainly a huge life style commitment, and you both should be on the same page about it. I think there is a time, place, and manner in which to bring it up without having him running for the hills. I mean you guys already touched upon the issue a little, so maybe he won't go running as you thought. If I was in the guy's position, I would already have made up my decision one way or another with regard to kids. So the conversation would be almost expected. Wish you the best!
FitChick Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 He knows you want kids so he is dangling that carrot in front of your nose. At his age, he could have had kids if he really wanted them. After all, he was with his ex for nine years. I don't think he does. I also suspect he set up his friend to tell you he doesn't want to remarry because he doesn't want to rock the boat. He likes what he has -- steady sex with few demands and the adoration of a woman. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 You are 40 not 14. No 9 months is not too early to find out his views on two important subjects: marriage & kids in general. You can't wait much longer. I got married at 41. By the time we looked into having kids, it was too late for me at 43. I didn't have enough follicles (or something) on my ovaries & even if we got expensive IVF not covered by insurance which was going to be very painful & cause me huge weight gain we only had a 5% chance of conceiving. At 25 he could play games & stall. At 45 if he continues dangling you on a string, that is simply cruel. 2
Arieswoman Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Ellie1975, You said So, not to sound stereotypical.. but isn't it something that might send it running off to the hills? To be completely honest, that's what is holding me back. Well, if he's going to do a bunk, isn't it better he does it now before you have invested any more time in him? If you don't have a meeting of minds on this then you need to know as soon as possible.
RonaldS Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 hhmm so he would have children with you but not marriage. These men make me laugh. If one thing will tie you up with 1 person for the rest of your life it's having children with that person. Marriage can be undone, not having a child. I will go ahead and disagree with you on this point. Having a child in no way, shape or form ties you to a person for life. You're linked to that person, you have to work with and communicate with that person, they never truly 'go away'....that's true. But outside of those moments (which can be infrequent), you live your own life. You live the way you choose, and be who you are. You are a parent first, of course, but you can also be independent. When you don't have the kid(s), you can come home at 6pm....or 8pm....or 4:30am. Your call. But marriage is a legally binding contract, which is just really not a cool way to be in a relationship....together because you have to be. I could be talked into having a kid. I will never be talked into getting married.
Shepp Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 The conversation might be tough but the sooner you have it, the sooner you know! If you want kids, then unfortunatly time is an issue - if a conversation about your futures sends him running for the hills isn't it better it sends him running now, than in 3 months time? 4
Author Elle1975 Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 So I wanted to update you all on my conversation. We had it yesterday over breakfast. He said he needed some time to answer me. As of today I am single. He simply said he didn't feel the same way I feel about him. I personally feel like he knew and like the other poster said was content with the situation. He said it was better for us to find that out today than in 2 years. Which tells me he knew. The marriage thing just was a wake up call of his conscious telling him "ok, now you got to tell her". I suppose it is better for me to find that out now. Although I would have been happy with a different answer Im going to give it a month and get "back on the horse" as dating him made me realize I do want someone in my life. I say so because I was single for 3 years before meeting him. I had given up on meeting someone. No need to say I am sad but it is what it is and the sooner I get control back over my feelings the sooner I'll meet someone who actually want a future with me. I will probably be back with a new post about my new love interest (although right now I really feel like drowning in a bottle of wine! lol ) Cheers? Elle 4
HappyLove Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Good for you for finding out sooner than later. He doesn't seem like much of a catch to dump you because you asked about marriage. Now you can stop wasting time with him and find your man. Next time put your cards on the table much sooner like maybe 3 months instead of 9. Hell I lay my cards out even sooner than that! Who has time to waste with a partner who doesn't want the same things? Not wanting kids and marriage is a deal breaker for me so the sooner I know the better. I'm betting he strung the other chick along for 9 years. Hey it's fine if you don't want kids but never let someone string you along. You were afraid to rock the boat when you have every right to know you two aren't compatible. Good for you for not compromising your future.
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I am very sorry it did not work out but I am glad you went ahead and didn't wait any longer. I once waited 1 year after a man to feel as strongly about me as I felt about him, it never happened. Now I give it between 3-6 months, no more. Stay strong.
Author Elle1975 Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 I sure made a mistake waiting too long.. 1
HappyLove Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I sure made a mistake waiting too long.. All we can do is live and learn.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I think you've handled this very well. And yes, I agree with the advice to discuss the topic earlier in the future. If a guy wants marriage period, and could see himself marrying you, having that conversation won't "scare" him. If it does, he's either not into the idea of marriage, or not into the idea of marrying you - either way, best to find that out early. 1
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