On the Brink

[bigman1]

BV120,

I do not doubt that you fully understand affairs and the consequences, as you admitted. That, however, begs the question. A thief knows that stealing is wrong, but they do it anyway. Very few murderers think murder is okay, but still... I guess the question for you is, "Why do you do it".

 

I can't say spoiled, or anything else because I don't know enough about you. I can say lawless. Perhaps you are like a sociopath. Who knows? Maybe you feel like it is better to sabotage a relationship by doing something objectively reprehensible rather than having someone reject you because of you. It is easier to say it ended because you did bad. You may be afraid that if things went on long enough, they would just decide to be done with you because you were not "good enough". IDK. Perhaps by having them reject you for infidelity or fight for you despite infidelity, you get some sort of validation. Either they did not like what you did or they really like you despite what you did. Either way, the "real you" never gets judged.

 

Good luck with your life and issues, you are going to need it because one day, you may start this same crap with your kid or your kid will get tired of their life being turned upside down because you keep ruining stable homes. Eventually, they will begin to despise you and sadly, they may become just like you, which is really sad. If you love your kid, fix you or you may doom them to the same life.

 

Oh, and the whole going NC with OM makes you feel like you are going to "die". Really?! If you measure the time you have spent with this guy it probably does not add up to 1/10th of the time you spent with your spouse, but still, you have that much emotion invested? Factor in the other significant life issues with your spouse and still, the new dude is just calling your heart even after going NC? Come on! If that is not a cry for psychotherapy I don't know what is. Get you a better therapist. This board ain't gonna help you. You need professional help, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. You know how your doctor's voice mail says, "if this is an emergency, hang up and call 911", you need to do that.

[underwater2010]

Either go back to IC or remember why you found yourself there in the first place and make the necessary corrections.

 

You might not be able to commit to one person. If so than end this marriage and stay single. Just stop cheating.

[DKT3]

No doubt I was spoiled. My parents divorced when I was a toddler. So I had two sets of grandparents doting over me and my dad as well. But I fail to see the connection.

 

 

bv

 

I think you have an unreal expectation of what marriage and relationships are all about. Also the flippant way you speak about betrayal makes me think maybe you feel your above it all.

 

I'm interested in knowing what kind of relationship, and how you now feel about your first husband.

[Oberfeldwebel]

BV,

 

I commend you for having the courage to come on to an infidelity site, knowing that you were going to take your hits. When will the desires stop? When you learn not to feed them. This has nothing to do with your husbands or even OM, since you know that there is always another man. Your addiction really has nothing to do with sex per se, sex is what keeps the OM interested in you.

 

Your addiction is the attention that you receive, that feeling of being desired. I agree with your counselors that you seem narcissistic. Knowing that a behavior is destructive and yet you still indulge the behavior is not something that will just go away with time. I believe that it is just a matter of time before you indulge again. There are many alcoholics that have quit drinking, usually at the sobering realization for what they have just done. Still they go back to the destructive behavior time and time again. You need to get back into counseling and start working on this issue. It will probably never go away, you just have to learn to control the desire.

 

The next question is the marriage. Few partners hang around long enough to get to the end game. You can't really blame them as your actions do not so either love or respect for them and who wants that in life. Your focus has to be on your child and your issues before your marriage can hope to survive. I think you need get into counseling and then set down with husband and have a very serious conversation about what each of you want. Honesty is the best thing you can give your spouse right now.

[Realist3]

You need to move ahead with the divorce. You more than likely have minimized this latest EA to your husband so he is considering R. I bet if he knew of the multiple A's during your first marriage that would not be the case. He would then be able to see the same pattern we are privy to here, and make the right conclusion that you are not someone that is meant to be married. There is nothing wrong with that.

[Realist3]

It appears that you have been sending out signals to men that you are available and interested in hooking up with them. ... The fact that three guys also made inappropriate proposals to you also suggests that you are broadcasting your interest and availability.

 

Of course she is sending out signals. You don't have multiple affairs unless you are sending out very clear signals.

 

The fact that it is still going on in this new marriage just further shows that she not not be married.

[fellini]

Surely marriage, the person we marry and the kind of marriage we live in, is one of the most personal idiosyncratic aspects of your life on this planet. Yes we only get ONE life to live. But those of us who choose to share this one life with a significant other do not have to live up to what seems to be an impossible ideal established by some outside norm police. There are as many kinds of marriages as there are people, and there are as many or more kinds of accommodations in marriages as there are infidelities. An infidelity is not a deal breaker for everyone, nor should it be. Just as any major betrayal inside a marriage that does NOT involve infidelities is not a deal breaker.

 

I don't see how telling the OP she is not worthy of a husband is the purpose of this website.

 

That this OP is having troubles with her commitments does not mean she should NEVER marry. Maybe she should stay away from entering relationships with the kinds of people who think there is only ONE MARRIAGE FITS ALL (which seems to be a lot of people in LS). But she is trying to navigate through a whole series of issues. She will know, and her husband will know, if their marriage makes sense. None of us here can do that from this distance and without knowing what each of them is capable of as human beings, nor what has gone on between them as a couple, nor what future they each envision with each other.

 

 

 

Of course she is sending out signals. You don't have multiple affairs unless you are sending out very clear signals.

 

The fact that it is still going on in this new marriage just further shows that she not not be married.

Edited April 7, 2014 by fellini

[Realist3]

Surely marriage, the person we marry and the kind of marriage we live in, is one of the most personal idiosyncratic aspects of your life on this planet. Yes we only get ONE life to live. But those of us who choose to share this one life with a significant other do not have to live up to what seems to be an impossible ideal established by some outside norm police. There are as many kinds of marriages as there are people, and there are as many or more kinds of accommodations in marriages as there are infidelities. An infidelity is not a deal breaker for everyone, nor should it be. Just as any major betrayal inside a marriage that does NOT involve infidelities is not a deal breaker.

 

I don't see how telling the OP she is not worthy of a husband is the purpose of this website.

 

That this OP is having troubles with her commitments does not mean she should NEVER marry. Maybe she should stay away from entering relationships with the kinds of people who think there is only ONE MARRIAGE FITS ALL (which seems to be a lot of people in LS). But she is trying to navigate through a whole series of issues. She will know, and her husband will know, if their marriage makes sense. None of us here can do that from this distance and without knowing what each of them is capable of as human beings, nor what has gone on between them as a couple, nor what future they each envision with each other.

 

I was not suggesting that she should not have whatever marriage she wants or that she should not have a husband. But right now that doesn't seem real prudent right now, in my opinion. Her husband didn't think it was too prudent either after he found out about the EA.

 

Given the OP's history of affairs what is so wrong with suggesting they shouldn't be married right now? She obviously craves validation from other people again and again, but can't seem to be open with her spouses about it. She can do whatever she wants with her life. But why drag some innocent person that will certainly be hurt by your choices that you know will happen eventually? If she finds a man who is okay with her choices, more power to her.

 

In the OP was there any mention of love for her husband who she is supposedly in R with? There wasn't even any mention of love for her AP. I just don't see much depth especially given the nonchalant attitude.

 

She even admits:

Believe me at that point I truly wanted a PA.

 

She was forthright in her statement and I was forthright in giving her my take on what she should do. She can take it or leave it.

[fellini]

The fact that it is still going on in this new marriage just further shows that she not not be married.

 

...and make the right conclusion that you are not someone that is meant to be married.

 

Give the OP a break. READ THE OP, she wants out of this cycle. Not necessarily OUT of her marriage. If she wanted to end her marriage she wouldn't need to post in LS. She would see a lawyer.

 

And I wasn't specifically reacting to you, others are doing the same thing. It's amazing how the first action for any WS is tell your husband, and then, divorce.

 

I was not suggesting that she should not have whatever marriage she wants or that she should not have a husband. But right now that doesn't seem real prudent right now, in my opinion. Her husband didn't think it was too prudent either after he found out about the EA.

 

Given the OP's history of affairs what is so wrong with suggesting they shouldn't be married right now? She obviously craves validation from other people again and again, but can't seem to be open with her spouses about it. She can do whatever she wants with her life. But why drag some innocent person that will certainly be hurt by your choices that you know will happen eventually? If she finds a man who is okay with her choices, more power to her.

 

In the OP was there any mention of love for her husband who she is supposedly in R with? There wasn't even any mention of love for her AP. I just don't see much depth especially given the nonchalant attitude.

 

She even admits:

 

She was forthright in her statement and I was forthright in giving her my take on what she should do. She can take it or leave it.

Edited April 7, 2014 by fellini

[bubbaganoosh]

What I don't understand is why do you want to be married? Your not marriage material. You enjoy a carefree lifestyle and have no problem getting involved with another guy as soon as he shows you any kind of attention.

 

That's all fine and dandy if it's just you but your now in the process of tearing the heart out of another guy and eating it in front of him and to you, it's like "so what?"

 

You haven't learned anything from all the IC that you attended so why waste the money and take up the counselor's time.

 

The only way your going to learn anything about your destructive behavior is when your on the receiving end and you feel the pain, betrayal and humiliation. Then and only then will it be worth while to fork out good money for IC.

 

Look. Do your husband a favor and let him find someone whose not so selfish and has a bit of love and compassion.

[Realist3]

It's amazing how the first action for any WS is tell your husband, and then, divorce.

 

As a WS myself I just call it as I see it. And yes, many BS's do react that way. My opinion was from a different side.

[Raven3321]

Hi BV,

 

First, I must disagree with most of the posters here. Do NOT divorce. That's not the way. I also don't agree that you are not marriage material. You're working on yourself and that's great. You came here precisely because you didn't want to make the same decisions that destroyed your first marriage. Bravo for taking this step.

 

It seems you're searching for something. Validation perhaps or maybe you just have poor boundaries. Whatever the reason, you have to do IC and find out the cause internally to what's going on with you. I know you're doing that and again bravo. Keep it up.

 

Honesty with your husband now is paramount until you get this under control. If he wants to reconcile with you, I think he genuinely wants a life with you. Let him into your life and your struggles. Be honest with him about them but that you want to change for him. Go TO him when you have temptations, not FROM him. In other words, follow the advice of many on this forum and disclose everything; where you go, what and who you're texting, allow him free access to everthing, etc. Let him in on your life.

 

I would give him the name and number of every man who has been hitting on you. Let him deal with them, not you. Everyone has week areas in their life. The attention of men happens to be yours. Don't run from who you are but rather come up with strategies to deal with situations that you know will arise.

 

As for your feelings for this guy at work.....I don't know. I'm not a woman so I don't know how to cut those off. Guys can cut off feelings in a millisecond. Women can not it seems. However, I would remember the end of the relationships you had the last time you did these things. It's not going to turn out well. This is a romantic/erotic fantasy. That's all it is. Find something you don't like about this guy and meditate on that. Keep at it until he's out of your mind. Trust me, men are jerks so there shouldn't have to look far. Being one, I know what I'm talking about. Just think about a guy who hits on a woman he knows is married. That's disgusting as it is.

 

Also, I would reach out to some of the ladies here who have had to deal with their feelings for the OM. One that comes to mind is Compulsive Dancer. She often has to deal with her longings for the OM and I think her affair has been over for a year. Chat with her.

 

Don't listen to the negative comments on this thread.....you came here for help and we're going to give you help.

 

Lastly, as another poster said, start praying if you know God. If you've asked for forgiveness, He's forgiven you. Forgive youself. Pray for your husband and your marriage. We'll be praying for you too. Later.

[drifter777]

You are addicted to the wonderful, exciting, overwhelming joyful feeling you get from the romantic love you feel when meeting a new man. You need it so badly that you are willing to trade sex in order to keep the feeling going. I'm guessing that most of your previous affairs ended when that super-charged, emotional high you get with a new man ended. Someone else came along and you started your pattern all over again.

 

Look, this is never going to end without intensive counseling. You won't be able to keep your hands off of this new guy for much longer and that will destroy whatever relationship you have with your husband. Then, a few months later, you will meet a new guy & you know what will happen then.

 

Your therapy is going to take some time - maybe more time then your husband is willing to accept - before you begin to change who you are. If you are separated and trying to reconcile right now because of this EA, I would imagine if you tell him about the sexual affairs your marriage will be over. Maybe that's for the best since you have so much to work on and you will continue to hurt him over that time.

 

Without changing this pattern your life is going to be a hollow, empty shell - and it gets unbearably difficult as you get older and less attractive. You are here for advice and I hope you listen to some of us.

[drifter777]

I would give him the name and number of every man who has been hitting on you. Let him deal with them, not you. Everyone has week areas in their life. The attention of men happens to be yours. Don't run from who you are but rather come up with strategies to deal with situations that you know will arise.

I pretty much disagree with everything in your post, but this makes the top 10 of the worse advice I've ever seen on this site. Women learn how to shut down clowns like this before their 16 years old. She knows what to do if she wants to enforce tighter, realistic boundaries.

[fellini]

i think what is more important is that the OP must learn to solve her problems and to stop boundary crossing. Handing a list over to her husband is a sure way to put the emphasis on blaming outsiders, and to create a united front in "dealing" with them. She has to learn how to say something that deflects their advances, not her husband.

 

 

I pretty much disagree with everything in your post, but this makes the top 10 of the worse advice I've ever seen on this site. Women learn how to shut down clowns like this before their 16 years old. She knows what to do if she wants to enforce tighter, realistic boundaries.

[Artie Lang]

seems to me that you're a SERIAL cheater.

 

you say that you've already turned down 3 potential AP's as if they were contestants on some dating show. and now you're embroiled in an EA with a co-worker with a desire to go even further.

 

 

i don't think you need a shrink to tell you you're a narcissist. you can add self-entitlement(from being spoiled) issues coupled with extremely selfish and destructive behavior.

 

 

What do you mean I talk about affairs as if there's nothing too it.? I full well realize the seriousness of affairs and their far reaching consequences.

 

no, you don't. if you did realize the seriousness you wouldn't be posting here with the same problem in your second marriage.

Edited April 7, 2014 by Artie Lang

[Spectre]

It's not that the OP isn't worthy of a husband, it's just that she is not worthy of being this specific guy's husband.

[fellini]

That's not for you to decide though is it? Or the OP. That's for the H to decide. BS's in LS are big on WS's "owning the decision to cheat" - surely the same goes for a BS who makes the decision to stick around and try to work through the mess.

 

 

It's not that the OP isn't worthy of a husband, it's just that she is not worthy of being this specific guy's husband.

[bv120]

I can not believe the responses I've received. I feel so fortunate You guys have knocked around just about anything connected with my situation. And I do believe you've covered and expounded upon just about every single word I've posted. I hope you realize just how appreciative I am.

 

 

I've mentioned how tough the NC has been on me. Well I came to the realization I've never been in a tough situation that requires tenacity and courage. Just about everything in life has come easy for me and has fallen in place quickly. I suppose the NC is actually a first for me. I'm a little depressed because I know the R can't be completely successful until I get over the hurt that the NC is generating. And in all honestly I can't see that subsiding anytime soon.

 

 

Thank you all for your time and thoughts, even the flamers.

 

 

bv

[fellini]

The NC and R can work together. Neither NC nor R are just add water solutions. So the trick is to embark on those behaviours that aid R which at the same time distract your attention and focus on NC.

 

Take a look at Mort Fertel's work on marriage fitness. It might offer you some practical easy activities either alone or with your S.

 

I can not believe the responses I've received. I feel so fortunate You guys have knocked around just about anything connected with my situation. And I do believe you've covered and expounded upon just about every single word I've posted. I hope you realize just how appreciative I am.

 

 

I've mentioned how tough the NC has been on me. Well I came to the realization I've never been in a tough situation that requires tenacity and courage. Just about everything in life has come easy for me and has fallen in place quickly. I suppose the NC is actually a first for me. I'm a little depressed because I know the R can't be completely successful until I get over the hurt that the NC is generating. And in all honestly I can't see that subsiding anytime soon.

 

 

Thank you all for your time and thoughts, even the flamers.

 

 

bv

[jnel921]

Divorce is on hold. We're attempting to R. Husband knows about the EA. That's what the divorce was about.

 

 

bv

 

You are holding off on D because you say you are trying to R with your H, yet you are dying to spread them for this guy you have been texting, sexting and fantasizing over....

 

Hmmmm...... Call your D lawyer and do your H a favor and release him from your selfishness. He deserves better. Do yourself a favor... if you don't understand or want to be in a monogamous relationship then stay single and screw all the men you want.

 

You want to know when it gets better... When you come back to reality and realize that you are dealing with real people and real feelings. Start giving a care and maybe things will get better.

[Owl]

Does your current H know why your first marriage ended? Does he know about your multiple affairs during your first marriage? Does he know the FULL and COMPLETE EXTENT of the EA you've been engaged in during your marriage to him?

 

It's really rare when I agree with Realist...so when I do, that's a pretty good indicator of things.

 

He's right. Divorce is your best bet...for both you, and for your H.

 

You're not marriage material right now...may never be, but that's something you need to work on with therapy/counseling.

 

But right now...your H is a complete fool (or doesn't have all the information) for even considering trying to maintain a monogamous relationship with you. You're not good relationship material at this point. You need to spend more time figuring out why that is, and what (if anything) you want do do about that.

 

Tell H that divorce is best for everyone, and move on.

[jimmytwowheels]

OP - reading your posts is like gazing into the abyss. I have no problem with women that just want to have fun. Monogamy is honestly not for everyone (it's not even in our biological wiring.) But your attitude is pure cake eater. You're actually talking about the hurt that going NC is causing you. I feel bad for your husband. But it's partially his fault for not ACTUALLY realizing what you are, and failing to throw you out.

 

Honestly, just chills. So this is what real narcissism looks like.

 

Please, get out of the marriage. The time that it would take for an army of therapists to straighten you out would take up too much life time.

 

Be single, pick up dudes whenever you feel like. Just let this poor sucker go. It's the one moral thing that you could do to redeem yourself.

 

Also, other poster that said 'men can just turn their feelings off, women can't.' Please, not only is that misandry, it's a blatant lie. When my first common law wife left me, I was devestated, crushed. It took me over 5 years to begin turning it off.

[thummper]

I have a 3 yr old daughter from my first marriage. What do you mean I talk about affairs as if there's nothing too it.? I full well realize the seriousness of affairs and their far reaching consequences.

 

 

bv

And yet it sounds like you'd just LOVE to have another one! Just give you the right guy and the right circumstances and off you go again. Wow! As a wife, you really don't measure up.

[stillafool]

Divorce is on hold. We're attempting to R. Husband knows about the EA. That's what the divorce was about.

 

 

bv

 

Why????????